rehashing the past

LegacyUser

Been broken up with my ex a good few months now and we seem to be moving towards a sorting things out and getting back together situation which I would like.

The ex can be a little insecure in regards other men. He has hinted at wanting to know details about what Ive been up to in that respect while we've been apart. He knows Ive been with a few people but I feel uncomfortable going into details, I tend to not want to discuss it and this makes him even more inquisitive. For my part I would rather not know anything about his possible escapades.

Is there any way to dissuade him from enquiring in this way? I dont see it as helpful or conducive to moving forward to go over our private lives with other people while we were apart.

astra2000

Ok your only moving towards getting back together and he is already making an issue of something that could just grow and grow and end up with ye splitting for good. Firstly ye need to reach somesort of agreement either ye put it behind ye and move on or you tell him all and put that behind ye (if he can) and move on. If you do decide to fill him in be honest, the past has a way of catching up with you.
What info does he want from you re the other people does he just want to know names and how many there were and how long did you see them for, or does he want all the finer details? I really dont see the point of rehashing all this would be imho it could do more harm than good.
Is getting back together definetly the right thing for ye?

Miss Fluff

Tell him that it's none of his business but also that he has nothing to worry about. End of. If you even give a hint of what you've been up to he will obsess over it and it will jeopardise it working out for you. Tell him to drop it.

IrishEyes19

The best way is to tell him straight, "look all Im going to say is I dated around t while we were broken up and thats all,"

if he attempts to tell you about his, just say you arent comfortable talking about past ex's and you'd prefer to move forward rather than looking backwards, that its nothing to do with him and you've nothing to hide, but theres nothing to be gained by re-surrecting the past.

Squiggler

I agree with sunflower27. If he can't just drop it and start over then you are probably better off walking away now.

Over time his need to know your every action will suffocate you, and having old boyfriends thrown up in your face every time he feels jealous or threatened will grow old very quickly.

kerryman12

Hi Op

TBH I would have to disagree with sunflower for a change;

He has no right to ask you that question

To be fair to the guy, there are certain question I would consider fair enough.

However,

The ex can be a little insecure in regards other men.

this would be sounding alarm bells in this context.

Now having said that if you feel like this,

I feel uncomfortable going into details, I tend to not want to discuss it

then really you should say that, after which he should back off and let it go.

Best of luck

Des Carter

Hi op,

If you want my opinion, and that is all it is, id advise you not to get back with your ex for the simple fact that its not going to work. Now I might be wrong but from reading between the lines it would seem like your ex is somewhat un confident and maybe a bit insecure. Now it would also be helpful to know the reason why ye broke up in the first place. I would be kind of similiar in that Id be a touch insecure in terms of relationships and if im honest if I was your ex I wouldnt get back with you for a number of reasons -
1. was it definately a break up in his eyes, or a break. even if it was a break-up id be thinking how did she get over me so fast to have gone dateing around .
2, maybe u broke up so that u could look for something better and you couldnt find anyone and decided you would have to settle for me (again this would completely depend on your relationship and break-up)
3. Maybe Im not as good or attractive as the other guys and you may want to date around again and
4. The conversation if you refuse to reveal any details it would make me suspicious and if you go into detail well then there will be obvious difficulties

Again Im not saying any of these are true and they would be my problems etc but these would definately be thoughts and I just wouldnt get back together so if your ex is the same id advise to just move on.

OR

I could be completely wrong and your ex isnt thinking like this at all in which case Iv no advice for you.

LegacyUser

OP here. Thanks for all the feedback.

To answer a few questions: I dont want to go into why we broke up but I will say it had nothing to do with third parties or jealosy or anything like that.

He was also with at least one person while we were apart and knowing about that is what makes me not want to know what else might have happened. Its in the past anyway and dwelling on it isnt going to do any good.

Thanks for the responces

whatsamsn

Miss Fluff wrote: »

Tell him that it's none of his business but also that he has nothing to worry about. End of.

sunflower27 wrote: »

He has no right to ask you that question and I hope you are strong enough to tell him it is categorically none of his business.

Its all about the context of that question.
Knowing he had a relationship with the op previously, its ok for him to ask if she has been romanticly or sexual involved with others. But at the same time its the op's right to not want to go into detail beyond the yes or no answer. Its a two way street. So its ok for him to ask that question, just not specfic details.

However he is asking details. Pushing past your boundaries. You stated you dont want to go into detail. So there is only one way forward. If he is not willing to drop it tell him you dont want to say (its the past etc) ... then its up to him. He'll either drop it or you got your answer to if the relationship could work again.

Permabear

This post has been deleted.

Wagon

dont bother getting back with him at all. you've already broken up once so this time around, one or both of you will **** it up again. save you and him the trouble.

LegacyUser

Wagon's advice might seem a wee bit harsh but he's generally spot on OP and I agree wtih him - I really don't see this working out.

Why? Well, been there done that....we broke up, I saw other ppl, I think he did, and when we tried to get back together he demanded details.

And THAT was the clincher - he can't and won't ever get past the jealousy...I think it's a pride thing and possibly a very male instinct - I might get trashed for this but OP, most guys see u as 'theirs' when you're their girlfriend....and teh fact that another guy 'had you' is a blow to his ego more than anything...crude and seems a bit far fetched but it's been my experience....and it goes both ways but slightly different reasoning behind it for women.

Even the fact he asks for details shows that he isn't ready or willing to put it behind him - he wants to know how badly you cheated on him...that's how he feels...that maybe if it was just a kiss, you're not so bad, or just a one night stand, then you're still worthy of being his girl....rubbish to all of it - that's probably what he's thinking, regardless if he can admit it to himself and it's a horrible truth.

Maybe he'll be ok once he hears the details - he can rationalise it...but do you want to feel that you were judged on what you got up to? I thought that maybe if I told him what he wanted to hear, the truth, we'd be ok....and down teh line I realised it wasn't ok for him to have asked about it, to want to know the gritty details because you know what - I don't have to answer to him...he made me feel dirty for having done what I did with other ppl - he made me feel ashamed and NOBODY should do that, knowingly or not...he should have realised that at teh start and not asked and respected me by not asking.

Maybe he has a right to know who you were with - but why, what purpose could it serve except to make him feel better/worse about how 'good' or 'bad' you behaved on the break up? do you want to be with someone who thinks that about you?

and regardless - jealousy manages to find a way in and tear up relationships and I firmly believe that after one person 'cheats' even on a break, the relationship rarely survives.

And whilst it's well and good to tell him to just forget about it and stop asking questions, deep down those questions will be there and he won't forget...I'd think long and hard about putting yourself through the coming weeks/months of fights, pain and eventual split...or trying desperately to salvage the relationship....sometimes it's better to just accept the end and find someone new to start over

Wagon

I'll put it as bluntly as possible why it will fúck up for the two of you. And im not being a bitter old man when i say this, its just my own experience.

I'd be like you're ex. I'd want to know details of what went on in the meantime. Why? Because I'll want to know if it was worth getting back together. Currently, I'm broken up with my ex for a few months. I haven't been with anyone since, I'm not ready and can't face it just yet. So if she came up me tomorrow and said she wanted to try again, I'd be asking the same questions such as other partners in the meantime. If she had a few, then it means that she wasn't as upset by it as me and therefore, wasn't as in love with me as much as i was with her.

It's simple logic in our minds. And I may get slated for this (go ahead lads, get your knives out) but it makes a lot of sense. I mean come on, if the two of you broke up and you could easily have sex with other people, you were hardly thinking of your ex too much were you? And for those that say it's none of his business, you have a point, but it IS his business who he decides to stay with. Nobody wants to be second choice.

So my advice is to get all this out of the water and just tell him. If he doesn't like it, then you won't get back with each other and you can just move on with your lives and avoid all the messy things that will more than likely happen if you don't.

If you think he's "pathetic" for this, then its time to wake up and realise that the world doesn't sing to your tune and that everyone is different. So you should be fair to him and leave him alone and let him find someone on the same wavelength. Down the line, you'll both be better off.

whatsamsn

Excellent post wagon.

Agree 100%.