OH insists on emigrating

LegacyUser

Unreg for this.
Short version - both of us are only part-time these days and cash is tight. I have a kid by a previous relationship and am stuck in Ireland until they're finished school in a couple of years time.
OH was applying for jobs abroad to see what sort of demand was out there, and they've been offered one.
I'm gutted. OH says we can have a long-distance relationship for a couple of years. Should I just accept this, or should I move on? I feel very betrayed. I thought we were in this together and I can't see how the odd weekend every few months is a relationship.

IamtheWalrus

I would move on. Long distance relationships rarely work. If he loved you he wouldn't want to leave. You can do better.

Penn

Are you married? How long have you been together?

It is quite selfish of him to want to emigrate knowing that you can't. You could try it for a while, but depending on where he goes, it could be very difficult and near impossible.

If money is tight, are there any ways you can reduce your bills? Maybe getting and older car or moving to a smaller place? Not ideal, but it could help

seamus

Hard to say on the small amount of information you've given tbh. Long-distance relationships can and do work provided that everyone understands what the future plans are and you maintain regular and frank communication. Does he expect you to join him in a few years or do you expect him to come home? Would you be prepared to join him?

Does he seem to be taking the decision to move lightly, or has he exhausted all other options and decided if this is long or short term? I certainly wouldn't just accept a foreign job and up and move unless I'd considered all of the options and made a firm plan about the future.

Pebbles68

IamtheWalrus wrote: »

I would move on. Long distance relationships rarely work. If he loved you he wouldn't want to leave. You can do better.

The other side of that coin is that unfortunately with the economy as it is in Ireland some people simply have to look overseas. I'm one of them. Myself and my OH have spoken about it and he understands, if there is no work here and his hours are cut we need to make ends meet. Ideally I'd look to get back most weekends depending on where I'm based but we have agreed that for a year we both have to bite the bullet and make the most of whatever opportunity comes up. It doesn't have to mean the end of the relationship.

Sanjuro

When my folks were first married, my mam spent a year working out of Lebannon. Now, I'm sure it wasn't easy. And I'm a believer that long-distance relationships do eventually fall apart. But it can work, if the effort is put in and maintained.

ztoical

With the limited information offered it's hard to say. How developed a relationship are we taking and also what type of job offer? My cousin has just gone to the middle east on a contract for several months and left his GF behind [not married = no go for her to come with]. It's good money and a very good career development op for him and they know it's a contract that won't be extended.

I don't agree with the earlier post that if he loved he would stay, thats nonesense people like to throw around. You can't live on love alone, do you want them to stay and become depressed and maybe a little resentful if your money situation doesn't improve. If you have both exhausted options here and they have been offered a job then you need to sit down and be frank about were your both going. I had a good friend split with her boyfriend when she had to move across the US [so odd 4000+ miles] for grad school, he didn't want to move so they parted. They both still loved each other but it was a case that they wanted different things at that moment in time. Some people can do long distance, others can't. If know you can't and you need more then you need to say that and go from there.

Azureus

Yeah I think there is much more I'd need to know about the situation before an accurate opinion but my two cents would be: long-term long distance relationships on the whole do not work. Anybody I know who has been in them has sworn never again. That said, if it is just a case of working over there for x amount of time with an end goal then I think it is do-able and I wouldnt write it off straight away.

Id talk long and hard about it, and if it really is just a case of needing work and emigration being the only option then I wouldnt run quite yet.

tenchi-fan

Your OH recognises there are no suitable job opportunities in Ireland. He's possibly at the age where now is the time to get a few foundations in place.. namely savings and a career.

LegacyUser

Some people wanted more info. I don't want OH reading about our problems on line so forgive if I'm a bit vague. Still in shock really.
Job offer is permanent abroad. OH changed careers a few years back and this is first proper full-time job offer. OH feels it's now or never career wise.
I think we can still make ends meet here, at least for a few years yet and that there'll be opportunities in a couple of years when I could go with. There is bits and pieces here, but OH wants to get on the career ladder. Feels like career's being chosen ahead of me.

R.D. aka MR.D

Do you really want to hold him back?

From experience that only leads to resentment op. If this is for his career then he should go for it or he might regret it.

If he regrets it he will look at you as the person who is making him miserable.

Making ends meet for a few years doesn't exactly sound fun. Also the older you get the harder it is to get these opportunities.

If I were you I would say to give the long distance a go and if it doesn't work out then part ways.

tenchi-fan

srsly unhappy wrote: »

OH changed careers a few years back and this is first proper full-time job offer. OH feels it's now or never career wise.

I have a feeling your OH is right. It's difficult to break into a new career and it's all about experience. If your OH gains experience abroad it really will stand to him when job vacancies open up in Ireland. But anything less than 1-2 years experience is rarely worth talking about

srsly unhappy wrote: »

I think we can still make ends meet here, at least for a few years yet and that there'll be opportunities in a couple of years when I could go with. There is bits and pieces here, but OH wants to get on the career ladder. Feels like career's being chosen ahead of me.

There won't be any opportunities in Ireland for a long time. Any which do arise will be given to the person with experience.

What good is making ends meet on part-time jobs? That isn't living. Your OH is thinking about the long-term. Namely job security and retirement planning.

I hate to break it to you, but if the op accepts this job he will be the "breadwinner"... perhaps you should consider emigrating with him. You could get a job abroad, and your child could start a new school.

LegacyUser

Hi srsly unhappy, I did a double take when I read your post as I am in exactly same situation..child not finished school and OH taking job abroad.
I too think he could have stuck it out here but he is so down and unhappy at the minute.
He is trained for a career that is not on offer in Ireland so he is stuck on low pay if he stays.

We have argued it back and forth, but the bottom line he needs to do this and I can't hold him back.
He wants me to go too further down the line when it I can move with kid...not sure how the long distance thing will work as TBH I will miss him.
But I know I don't want anyone else, if I had 1000 men I would pick him so I am going to stick the long distance because I know I have to try to make it work.
He is so down and depressed at the minute I know he would resent me if I held him back.

ztoical

tenchi-fan wrote: »

There won't be any opportunities in Ireland for a long time. Any which do arise will be given to the person with experience.

What good is making ends meet on part-time jobs? That isn't living. Your OH is thinking about the long-term. Namely job security and retirement planning.

I hate to break it to you, but if the op accepts this job he will be the "breadwinner"... perhaps you should consider emigrating with him. You could get a job abroad, and your child could start a new school.

I would assume the childs other parent would not allow them to be taken overseas otherwise the OP would have considered it already.

OP making ends meet and getting by isn't a great sell to someone whose been offered a chance to develop their career. It's not a case of picking one over the other, people have to be realistic about their lives and where they see it going and use both head and heart. Your going to need to sit down with your OH and lay it all out. Don't agree to a long distance relationship if you know it's not what you want. It might be a case that you both care about each other but just aren't in the same place right now and will have to part.

LegacyUser

Sorry, it's hard to get online. OH uses computer a lot.
Bit of an update - OH says they're definitely taking the job. Won't consider any other options. Keeps saying that if they don't take this job, they'll be on the dole for years, training wasted, and won't get into that career ever.
Tbh, it sounds to me like the decision's made, even if we won the lotto this weekend or if a job came up round the corner from the house. This is the PERFECT job apparently (though the pay's pretty crappy) so they have to take it or the sky will fall in.

Told the kid today, and she's destroyed about this, as am I. Worst thing is, I got some extra hours so we're not as stuck for cash as we were and aren't crying out for the money.
But now I'm going to have to move house when they move out, which will cost a bomb, and I love where we live. OH says they'll fly back all the time, but on the pissy wages I can't see that happening.

Am I basically just being dumped here? I feel a bit stupid and used, as if I should have seen this coming. OH won't contemplate turning the job down under any circumstances. Totally gutting.

seamus

I'm assuming by your last post that he has a child. This changes the game somewhat.

You understand that he has to look out for the child, number one, above everyone and everything else. It may be that he feels he has no other choice to provide a future for his child except to go.

In terms of whether the relationship is over, that's something you can only figure out between the two of you. If it was just the two of you I'd say that upping and leaving without consultation was a sure sign of the end, but the existence of his child changes everything.

LegacyUser

No, the child is mine. OH has no kids.

bazcam

OP if you insist on your OH staying at home and passing on their dream job, they will build huge resentment towards you. Long term unemployment is one of the most depressing, soul sucking experiences there is. Long distance relationships can work, especially if there is a definitive end date in mind.

spinandscribble

I think you've assumed you can't go because of the kid. I think when I was a teen I would have jumped at the chance to leave Ireland. Have you discussed this option or assumed?

What is your chance of getting a job where he's moving?

*edit* realised after posting the child may have to stay behind because of her father if he's still on the scene.

LegacyUser

Thanks for everyone who's replied.
Yeh, can't go because the child's in school in an exam year and it's not possible due to legal agreements. Different story in a couple of years time when she's an adult herself, but not now.
OH's new job is permanent. No end date in sight. There wouldn't be much work for me there in what I do, but more than that, it's a place I'd hate to be for any length of time.
I always said I'd move anywhere when the kid was old enough for me to leave, which I think is not so long now given how long we've been together. OH always knew I couldn't emigrate until schooling was complete and agreed with that.
Suddenly everything's changed since xmas. This job is the be all and end all. There will never be another chance or another job anywhere else, ever. All that sort of thing.
I think after so many years together I deserve better than this. I don't think the odd weekend every few months is a relationship, not for me anyway. Just think OH is either being totally pessimistic about their chances of working here or working abroad in a couple of years time.
Either that or they want out and don't have the courage to say so???

OS119

i know its grim - but sadly i think this is the horrible grinding noise of two 'rights' crashing head on.

your OH is correct - i'm assuming that neither of you are in your early twenties, so, yes - either he jumps on the career bandwagon now, or he waits 5 years for a new economy in Ireland and then finds out he's missed the opportunity and spends the next 30 years of his working life pushing trollys around Tesco, or flipping burgers.

you are also right, he is choosing this career over you and your daughter.

you are focused on the period from now until your daughter leaves school, he is focussed on the period from now until he dies. both of you are 'right'.

the silver lining in this is that he does want you to go with him, and, if you can't, he wants to continue the relationship as best you can.

up for anything

Look at it from his point of view. He feels like it is the perfect job for him and it's a chance of getting out of this miserable country and starting on making a proper life for him and possibly you, and yet you are trying to discourage him based on what he probably perceives as selfish reasons. If you have been together for so many years I can't see why you couldn't manage a long distance relationship for a year or two. Maybe he is down to zero on self-worth and really, really needs this for himself.

Back in the 80s when I left for the UK there was a completely mixed bag of people leaving at the same time as me. Early school leavers up to 60 year old men with families. It was hardest on the older men with families but they got on with it hoping that it wouldn't be forever.

Have you considered making a sacrifice of your own for your partner by leaving your child with it's father to complete his/her exam year. It would be difficult on both you and the child but if you really want to hold onto your relationship it might be an option. After all I am sure he has made sacrifices for your child in his time with you.

Inasmuch as he seems to be digging his heels in on this, so maybe are you. Someone has got to give a little or a lot.

Swampy

Personally, I would never leave my OH to work abroad. I would rather struggle to make ends meet with her, than live well without her.

OS119

Swampy wrote: »

Personally, I would never leave my OH to work abroad. I would rather struggle to make ends meet with her, than live well without her.

easy to say - what if you felt that you couldn't make ends meet?