Marriage Rites - Do you have a choice in what you say or are they mandatory

Bootcamper

Hi everyone,

Does anyone know about the marriage rites when you're getting married in a Catholic church? I was at a wedding this weekend and one of the rites that the couple had to say "I Do" to, was bringing up the children that God bless you with as Catholics. It was one of three rites you needed to reply "I Do" to. I might be dopey but I didn't know you had to say this and it has got me thinking.

I'm not pushed about getting married in a church but my other half wants to so I'm happy enough to go along with it for him. The church is booked. I feel very strongly that I'd like any future children (blessed or not!) to have the freedom to choose their religion. Well and good if they want to be Catholic or not.

Does anyone know if you need to promise this or are there rites you can choose from? Is there any way you can get around this, or is the only option to marry in a civil ceremony if you don't want to say this?

Thanks for any info you might be able to give.

BC

There are a few different options on the wording for the rite of marriage, details here: http://gettingmarried.ie/pages/index.php?nd=33

All of them mention children although I have been to one wedding where this wasn't said - in that case it was because the couple were older and "past" the children stage. Also as part of completing your pre-nuptual enquiry you will be asked (among other things) about raising children as catholics. You can see a copy of the form here: http://www.gettingmarried.ie/documents/prenuptial_enquiry.pdf

If you feel very strongly then you should discuss with the priest who is marrying you. Whether you can go ahead with the (catholic) marriage really depends on the priest.

Bootcamper

Thanks BC, I really appreciate it.

BC

No worries.

tatli_lokma

part of getting married in a Catholic church is to agree to raise your children as catholic.
Like you, I wasn't really into a religious wedding as I'm not very religious in a traditional way and hubby is Muslim, but initially getting married in a church meant a lot to my dad, so I looked into it as an option.
We actually only wanted a blessing, but the priest in our parish wouldn't go for that, pointing out that technically there are no such things as 'blessings' as far as the RC church are concerned and we were either getting married and accepting the sacriment or we weren't - there was no in between!
A big thing for them was that the children would be raised catholic. I pointed out that hubby is Muslim, so of course there would be an influence there, and the priest went mad! god he nearly had a seizure! basically I could marry my muslim hubby, no problem, he wouldn't have to convert, but he would have to accept the catholic sacriment of marriage and agree to raise our kids catholic.

That was the deal breaker for me. When we explained it to my dad, even he agreed that it was not feasible. I suppose I could have lied like a lot of people do and said, ok we'll raise them catholic and then only bring them to church for communion and confirmation, but that's not my style.

so it really does depend on the priest who is marrying you, as to what concessions they will agree to. If he is a by the book sort of guy he probably will insist on it. That being the case, you might want to really have a serious think about whether that is something you are comfortable doing.

Bootcamper

Wow! That is definitely food for thought, thanks so much. I contacted Accord and they said to ask the priest, my mother has said the same thing. But the bottom line is that you have to say it. Two of my friends say the priest will probably be annoyed and it's the local parish priest so I don't want to make things uncomfortable for my family (small town and all that). I don't even have the excuse of having a Muslim partner - it's my own feeling that I don't want to impose a religion on children if I have them. I'm feeling more and more like this a real deal breaker for me getting married in a church. Can't believe the priest's reaction to you given that your partner is Muslim!

Thanks a million again.

BC

I would ask the priest.
When i was filling out my pre nup the priest told me it wasn't a problem if i felt strongly on any of the items, that we could discuss and try to find a solution. It really does depend on the priest though.

seamus

The "agree to raise your children as Catholic" is usually the sticking point for most people. In my experience, most priests will not allow you to omit it unless they're particularly liberal.

In reality, you're making those 3 vows to the church. If you personally disregard the Church's authority, then you should have no difficulty lying to the church for the sake of your partner. But plenty of people aren't comfortable with lying on their wedding day.

If you feel strongly enough about it and the priest isn't fluid on it, then a civil or unitarian ceremony is your alternative.

Bootcamper

Thanks very much BC and Seamus. Glad to see that other people have been in the same boat...
Really wish I'd known about all this before I agreed to a church wedding though! I'm really torn between not wanting to lie at the altar about this but also wanting to be fair to what my other half wants.

Thanks again!

tatli_lokma

Bootcamper wrote: »

Thanks very much BC and Seamus. Glad to see that other people have been in the same boat...
Really wish I'd known about all this before I agreed to a church wedding though! I'm really torn between not wanting to lie at the altar about this but also wanting to be fair to what my other half wants.

Thanks again!

I know you want to be fair to what your other half wants, but they also need to be fair to what you want - its a two way street.
Does your partner want a church wedding because they are particularly religious, or is it they just like the idea of it, or that they think civil ceremonies are all registry offices, in and out in five minutes?

It might be worth taking the time to research alternatives to a church wedding and then present them to him/her and see if there is anything in there that you can compromise on. As mentioned, unitarian churches are more flexible, although they are still a religious service and can be done in a unitarian church. Or a civil ceremony can be done in literally hundreds of locations that are quite spectacular, giving the day that sense of occasion. You can add your own vows, music etc etc - the ceremony can be just as you want it, although no religious references are allowed. Ourselves, we got married in a castle/stately home in a civil ceremony, and I still walked up the 'aisle', said vows, had readings and music etc. Often people think that a civil wedding lacks something a church does just because of the venue, but with some careful planning this need not be the case.

There are many locations that are absolutely 'WOW' factor - such as city hall, the royal college of surgeons etc, various castles and stately homes.

Other options are find a liberal priest who will agree to a 'blessing' rather than a full wedding sacriment. Then go and do the legal part in the registry office the day before, and then have the blessing with the full works for the wedding - that way your beliefs aren't compromised, but there is still a religious element and the church.

As I say, perhaps do some research and have options available and then present them and see what the reaction is?