Boyfriend and Puppy

gagiteebo

Hi guys,
My boyfriend and I got a Golden Retriever puppy back in November and everything was going well up until recently. We had a few problems with toilet training but managed to sort them thanks to some advice on here and he is great now.

Only thing is he is afraid of my boyfriend. He used to stick to him like glue and follow him everywhere but now he won't come inside unless I call him, he runs away from my boyfriend and sometimes yelps as well even though nobody has touched him and even poops and pees when my boyfriend talks to him or tries to pet him, ...anything. My boyfriend is finding this to be very upsetting and it's really getting to him as. He is trying everything to bond with the dog again but it's not working. He plays with him, brings him for walks etc when we're watching tv the puppy will come over to my boyfriend and put his head on his lap and everything will be ok for a minute and things will change.

Our puppy looks so sad and depressed and it is breaking our hearts. I feel that if this continues we will have to give him away because we can't have him being unhappy. We love him so much. Why is this happening and what can we do about it? My boyfriend would have been the one to scold him when he peed inside at the beginning maybe that's an issue, but how do we work on getting the trust back?

I'm really at the end of my rope with this, we don't know what to do.

Thank you.

seamus

Is he a new pup or a rescue? Did your boyfriend hit the dog (even a tap one the nose or whatever) when he was "scolding" him for peeing inside?

Has the puppy displayed the same behaviour with anyone else?

scudzilla

We sort of had a similar situation wit our Boxer.

I work night shifts and my wife is home most of the time with the dog.

When we first got her (9wks old) i was home for 2 weeks and she stuck to me like glue, wouldn't leave my sight.

When i went back to work things started changing, now she is all about my wife, she's like her shadow, yeah she'll come to me and play wit me but as my wife spends most of the time with her it's her she's attached too.

When we sit watching tv she won't come near me but will try and climb on top of my wife!

Is your BF out at work a lot and you spend most of the time wit the dog?

I wouldn't worry about it too much.

magentas

how did he scold him for peeing?
If there was any kind of physical reprimanding this may be where it's stemmed from.

Or it could be something as simple as your boyfriend not been around as much and the pup just feels safer/closer to you.

Either way, he is still only a pup and ANY issue can be worked on and sorted out quiet easily. Please don't even consider giving him away at this very early stage

gagiteebo

seamus wrote: »

Is he a new pup or a rescue? Did your boyfriend hit the dog (even a tap one the nose or whatever) when he was "scolding" him for peeing inside?

Has the puppy displayed the same behaviour with anyone else?

He would have tapped him on the nose and brought him outside but that's about it. He is a new pup. It is only in the last couple of weeks that this has happened. Before that as I said the dog would have gone to my boyfriend and followed him around etc. We're both with him the same amount of time I'd say. It's just very upsetting for us all.

gagiteebo

magentas wrote: »

how did he scold him for peeing?
If there was any kind of physical reprimanding this may be where it's stemmed from.

Or it could be something as simple as your boyfriend not been around as much and the pup just feels safer/closer to you.

Either way, he is still only a pup and ANY issue can be worked on and sorted out quiet easily. Please don't even consider giving him away at this very early stage

Thank you, like I said when he peed he would have tapped him on the nose and brought him outside....I can only think of this as the reason for it but how do we go about building the trust again, what can we do or what can my boyfriend do? My boyfriend really is upset over this.

andreac

Theres your problem then, he hit him, so now the poor pup is scared of him.

There is no need to hit or tap the dog on the nose at all for anything.

Training is possible without any physical violence towards the dog and it should always be done by positive reinforcement and reward.
Puppies will pee/poo in the house, its normal, but your boyfriend has now hurt the dog and he is scared of him so you need to work very hard now to regain his trust again.

wildefalcon

Play with the pup, feed him treats, introduce the BF again whilst this is going on - and get him to treat feed the dog - I find cut up pieces of cooked ham are good, but to kick off try tiny balls of raw mince - only pea sized. The better smelling the better.

I know they say don't play tug of war with a dog, but pups love it!

gagiteebo

andreac wrote: »

Theres your problem then, he hit him, so now the poor pup is scared of him.

There is no need to hit or tap the dog on the nose at all for anything.

Training is possible without any physical violence towards the dog and it should always be done by positive reinforcement and reward.
Puppies will pee/poo in the house, its normal, but your boyfriend has now hurt the dog and he is scared of him so you need to work very hard now to regain his trust again.

I understand and appreciate your answer but we are looking for some advice and help with this issue. I have already asked what we need to do to regain trust.

seamus

gagiteebo wrote: »

Thank you, like I said when he peed he would have tapped him on the nose and brought him outside....I can only think of this as the reason for it but how do we go about building the trust again, what can we do or what can my boyfriend do? My boyfriend really is upset over this.

My suspicion here is that there's a polarisation in your roles somewhat? Perhaps you're the person who ordinarily sees the dog first thing, feeds him and gives him a cuddle, and then your boyfriend (initially at least) came in, tapped the dog on the nose and threw him outside.
So the dog will naturally fear your boyfriend because he doesn't associate him with anything good.

Building the trust means first off getting the dog to associate your boyfriend with good things - like being fed, having a walk and playing. You're already doing this, so it will come back but it takes time - maybe make a conscious effort to ensure that your boyfriend does the majority of the feeding and holds the lead on walks for a few weeks at least.
It will also help if the dog sees your boyfriend as his leader. Now is a good time to start on reward-based training, take him to puppy training classes if you're not familiar with the techniques.

He should stop scolding the dog physically, immediately. Otherwise he will be reinforcing the dog's fear. If the dog pees, quietly put him outside as soon as it happens and clean it up. If the dog has peed while you're out, then putting him outside is pointless as the dog will not associate it with having peed 20 minutes ago. Just stick the dog in his bed and quietly clean it up.

Taltos

Absolutely agree with the above.

You and your BF need to realise and accept that if the puppy toilets in the house - it is NOT the dogs fault. It is your / his for not keeping an eye out for the signs.

It is a slow process but much better than the old fashioned alternatives.

1. If you see the puppy circling or doing whatever it is your puppy does immediately remove them outside.
2. If you are slow and catch the puppy mid stream - firm NO - not a yell - and carry the dog outside - yes it will leave a trail...
3. If you find it after the fact - just clean it up. It is already too late and the dog will have no clue why they are being given out to.

One thing to consider - by giving out to the dog you are teaching them to hide their toilet.

so - could go behind a couch / refuse to poo in front of you - so how do you clean up / start to eat their own crap to not get in trouble...

Maybe consider going to puppy training classes. We all need them now and again.

Your BF will just have to be patient - and instead of scold reward the dog for everything - including going to the toilet now outside...

koneko

Your boyfriend could go to training classes with the pup, I think that could make a big difference.

For now you could teach him something like a command for touching. Eg have your boyfriend sit down, relaxed, have some food in his hand (and rub the smell on his hand) and in a happy voice say "touch!" to the pup, and when he comes up and sniffs his hand give him a treat.

I really wouldn't consider giving him away at such an early stage, there is an awful lot you can do to try and improve the bond between them.

koneko

Oh yeah, and definitely no more scolding for going toilet, teaching that is more about showing where pup should do its business and then praising like mad, instead of the old "rubbing the nose in it" or giving out when he does something wrong.

caseyann

wildefalcon wrote: »

Play with the pup, feed him treats, introduce the BF again whilst this is going on - and get him to treat feed the dog - I find cut up pieces of cooked ham are good, but to kick off try tiny balls of raw mince - only pea sized. The better smelling the better.

I know they say don't play tug of war with a dog, but pups love it!

Except for the bolded part, i agree with the rest,also with your bf go for walks and let him hold the lead.

LucyBliss

I'd definitely have the dog associate him with walks and nice positive talks. You don't need to touch the dog to praise it, a light tone of voice will do the trick. While I was training my three, I was so peppy and positive you would have thought I was high! It was also exhausting!

Perhaps they could just hang out together while he watches TV with your boyfriend sitting on the floor with some treats that he doesn't offer but leaves loosely in his hand. It'll probably take some time and if the dog comes over, just let him take the treat. You can work up a real bond with a dog by sitting quietly with it, as well as doing all the training and walks, because the dog will also associate you with peace and quiet where it can sleep safely.

Best of luck and I'm sure things will be sorted out. I wouldn't give the pup away, this is something that can be easily remedied with a few small changes.

falabo

yes your boyfriend should go to doggie classes with the puppy, they will get closer and bond together ...

sionnaic

Completely agree with most of the posters above. While I'm sure he didn't intend to freak out your new pup, your boyfriend unfortunately is reaping what he sowed - he needs to stop any sort of physical or verbal reprimanding for anything. A pup that young is just a baby and you (hopefully!!!) wouldn't ever slap or yell at a baby?

Anyway tell your BF he needs to get in touch with his feminine side and start using a high-pitched happy-happy voice when interacting with the pup Think baby talk - high, light, soothing and non-threatening.

Don't force interaction with the pup - if he's afraid of your BF then having the "scary man" loom over him is just terrifying for the pup (symptoms: cowering, nervous peeing, tail tucked in hard). Your BF might just be trying to reassure the poor pup and give him a gentle pat or rub, trying to show him there's nothing to be scared of - but to the pup it's terrifying. Dog's don't think like humans!

You should have a nice comfy bed area set up for the pup in each room he's allowed in (i.e. kitchen, living room). even put it under something like table so he has a little den he can retreat to. This is his safe area, your BF should not encroach on this area, BUT anytime your BF walks by he should gently (no sudden movement) toss / lob a little treat to the pup (little cube of cooked chicken or a puppy treat). If the pup looks at or comes over to your BF he should drop / gently lob a little treat at the pup's feet while otherwise pretty much ignoring him - don't try to get him to eat out of his hand yet. Basically you need to get your pup to associate your BF with "nice things for pups" and non-threatening behaviour. It's important not to push it and to take the interaction at the pup's pace, don't force it.

Gradually over time the pup will hopefully warm up to your BF - wagging his tail when he sees him etc. but your BF is going to have to be careful not to shout, use a loud deep voice, make sudden gestures or movements, loom over the dog, try to grab the dog etc until the pup is completely ok with him again. Dogs do tend to be more fearful of men than women for some reason.

You also need to share equally the other "nice things" - e.g take turns putting down the food bowl rather than just you doing it. He needs to see you both as his humans not just you.

btw you should never give ham / bacon to a dog - too much salt. Plain cooked chicken is best, especially for a pup (easy to digest)

A puppy class would be an excellent idea, and you both should go with him. If you're in my area I can recommend a good one!

The Sweeper

OP, with all due respect, while physically reprimanding a dog is unnecessary and gains you nothing, at the same time a 'tap' (and I mean a 'tap') on the nose a few times when the pup toileted in the house wouldn't prompt this severe fear response in your dog. If your dog is literally losing control of its bladder and bowels in the presence of your boyfriend, it's scared out of its wits of him.

Puppies regularly hurt each other in play - minor hurts, one yelps and withdraws, it's the reason we recommend that if the pup is play mouthing you and hurts you, you yourself yelp and withdraw. It helps set the boundaries of what's acceptable and what's not. A 'tap' on the nose, if you literally mean your boyfriend used two fingers and tapped the dog on the nose in a gesture where no part of the arm moved apart from his hand from the wrist down - that's a tap, and it wouldn't have hurt any more than puppies would hurt each other if it was just a tap, especially not on a robust pup like a golden retriever.

That leaves me with three options:

• The pup has had a very severe reaction to a fear period and you need to involve a behaviourist
• Something else happened between your boyfriend and the pup, most likely that he leathered the bejesus out of the puppy at some point when you weren't home
• Your boyfriend stalks about the place with a booming voice and unapproachable stance and is overly dominant with the puppy, who's now terrified of him

A couple of 'taps' on the nose wouldn't prompt this fear response (they're pointless because they DO have an effect on the dog, mainly making it wary of you and leaving you having to escalate your corrections because you've used an overexaggerated correction).

Honestly, OP, offensive as this may be to you, I think you need to get to the bottom of what happened with your partner and the dog, because I think he's after losing his temper and really hurting the pup at some point when you weren't around.

RoastBeefDinner

Kinda agree with the above post.
The part I do not get is you said in your original post the following

the puppy will come over to my boyfriend and put his head on his lap and everything will be ok for a minute and things will change

Perhaps he needs to go to the toilet and this triggers the fear of an event that may have happened with the bf.
Hope you work it out.

gagiteebo

The Sweeper wrote: »

OP, with all due respect, while physically reprimanding a dog is unnecessary and gains you nothing, at the same time a 'tap' (and I mean a 'tap') on the nose a few times when the pup toileted in the house wouldn't prompt this severe fear response in your dog. If your dog is literally losing control of its bladder and bowels in the presence of your boyfriend, it's scared out of its wits of him.

Puppies regularly hurt each other in play - minor hurts, one yelps and withdraws, it's the reason we recommend that if the pup is play mouthing you and hurts you, you yourself yelp and withdraw. It helps set the boundaries of what's acceptable and what's not. A 'tap' on the nose, if you literally mean your boyfriend used two fingers and tapped the dog on the nose in a gesture where no part of the arm moved apart from his hand from the wrist down - that's a tap, and it wouldn't have hurt any more than puppies would hurt each other if it was just a tap, especially not on a robust pup like a golden retriever.

That leaves me with three options:

• The pup has had a very severe reaction to a fear period and you need to involve a behaviourist
• Something else happened between your boyfriend and the pup, most likely that he leathered the bejesus out of the puppy at some point when you weren't home
• Your boyfriend stalks about the place with a booming voice and unapproachable stance and is overly dominant with the puppy, who's now terrified of him

A couple of 'taps' on the nose wouldn't prompt this fear response (they're pointless because they DO have an effect on the dog, mainly making it wary of you and leaving you having to escalate your corrections because you've used an overexaggerated correction).

Honestly, OP, offensive as this may be to you, I think you need to get to the bottom of what happened with your partner and the dog, because I think he's after losing his temper and really hurting the pup at some point when you weren't around.

No it's not offensive and I understand your viewpoint but I would certainly not put my puppy and myself in the company of someone who 'leathered the bejaysus' out of him. I would not stand for this at all. The pup was just over 3 months old when we got him and has been a nervous/anxious dog from then but improved. We have put every effort and spare minute we have recently into fixing this and since I posted this there has been a noticeable improvement. The pup is wagging his tail when my boyfriend comes into the room and he climbed up on his knee and slept last night. Hopefully with our efforts this will continue.

Thank you to everyone for the helpful advice.

ISDW

How do you respond when he's looking 'scared and depressed'? A big mistake dog owners can make (I know, I made it myself with my first two dogs) is to try and reassure the dog that they have no need to feel like that. Unfortunately, the dog doesn't understand the words, just hears the tone.

Your dog goes to you looking scared, so you pet him and tell him its alright, nobody's going to hurt him. All the dog is getting from that is that by doing what he's doing, you're petting him and talking to him nicely, you could be telling him he's the best dog in the world and is behaving brilliantly for all the dog knows, he doesn't understand the words.

As tough as it is, when he is like that, ignore him, don't shout at him, or tell him off, just ignore him and carry on with what you're doing. Hopefully, if your boyfriend also walks him, works with him on obedience etc, and the dog doesn't get attention for acting like that, he'll soon learn.:D

The Sweeper

gagiteebo wrote: »

The pup was just over 3 months old when we got him and has been a nervous/anxious dog from then but improved.

Where did you get your pup from?

Bog Bunny

Maybe you don't feel comfortable answering these question, OP, then don't; but perhaps you can think about them.
How would you describe your BF's behaviour towards you, his voice, his actions, his general demeanour in the house? Often the behaviour of a dog reflects or mirrors the dynamics in the household more than you think or want to believe. They are much more sensitive to under currents than we give them credit for.
It is evident that this slightly insecure pup has bonded more with you than with him. That's alright and acceptable. There are dogs who love everybody and are the in-your-face boisterous variety, and then there are dogs who develop a special bond with just one person and only tolerate others. He may be one of those.

gagiteebo

The Sweeper wrote: »

Where did you get your pup from?

We got him from a golden retriever breeder. Our pup was the last one there, he was on his own (without other pups) for most of the time since he was born. He has been quiet and anxious since the day we brought him home.

Wolfe Tone

A "tap" wouldn't have done this at all. Dog in all probability would have forgotton about it a few mins later.


My friends dog was terrified of his mother for ages because she dropped and smashed a plate in front of the puppy(it was really loud) and he was terrified of her for ages.

gagiteebo

Bog Bunny wrote: »

Maybe you don't feel comfortable answering these question, OP, then don't; but perhaps you can think about them.
How would you describe your BF's behaviour towards you, his voice, his actions, his general demeanour in the house? Often the behaviour of a dog reflects or mirrors the dynamics in the household more than you think or want to believe. They are much more sensitive to under currents than we give them credit for.
It is evident that this slightly insecure pup has bonded more with you than with him. That's alright and acceptable. There are dogs who love everybody and are the in-your-face boisterous variety, and then there are dogs who develop a special bond with just one person and only tolerate others. He may be one of those.

No I've no problem answering those questions. My boyfriend is very loving and attentive, a very tactile man so he's always hugging us etc and likes to pet the pup a lot etc To be honest I'm the 'louder' one and he's more chilled out and relaxed than I am. I've grown up around dogs as has my boyfriend and neither of us have experienced this before. The pup gets regular exercise, we play with him, gets lots of attention so he's in no way neglected. As I said since I posted this and we've made it a priority the pups behaviour has changed dramatically and they are starting to bond again.

Again thanks to everyone with their helpful advice that we've taken on board and it is working and not just jumping to the conclusion that my boyfriend is a dog beater which was upsetting to us when we were already upset about our puppy.

Bog Bunny

gagiteebo wrote: »

No I've no problem answering those questions. My boyfriend is very loving and attentive, a very tactile man so he's always hugging us etc and likes to pet the pup a lot etc To be honest I'm the 'louder' one and he's more chilled out and relaxed than I am. I've grown up around dogs as has my boyfriend and neither of us have experienced this before. The pup gets regular exercise, we play with him, gets lots of attention so he's in no way neglected. As I said since I posted this and we've made it a priority the pups behaviour has changed dramatically and they are starting to bond again.

Again thanks to everyone with their helpful advice that we've taken on board and it is working and not just jumping to the conclusion that my boyfriend is a dog beater which was upsetting to us when we were already upset about our puppy.

That's so good to hear! Hopefully the issue will resolve quickly and may have just been a growing-up glitch. Most of these 'problems' are developmental phases and if you don't make huge big fundamental mistakes during that time they will blow oever.
Good luck and a happy togetherness for the three of you :-)

The Sweeper

gagiteebo wrote: »

Again thanks to everyone with their helpful advice that we've taken on board and it is working and not just jumping to the conclusion that my boyfriend is a dog beater which was upsetting to us when we were already upset about our puppy.

I accept completely that it wasn't your boyfriend beating the dog. However, please do try and find out what the trigger was for the dog's terror, because you're heading into the second developmental fear period of the pup's adolescence and this could well raise its head again in that period.

Perhaps look back to the breeder. No puppy should be 'mostly on its own' from the time it was born. The pup should have been with it's mother, being raised at the breeder's home and exposed to all the sights and sounds of a normal household when you got it. At 12 weeks the absolute longest it should have been without its siblings is four weeks given they would have been rehomed at 8 weeks at the very earliest.

If you can pinpoint what it was that frightened the pup, you can work with the guidance of a behaviouralist to cure the fear. If you don't try to pinpoint it, what could happen is the fear could be unintentionally triggered by the same event while you're working through this fragile period of building trust with the dog.