Battered emotionally by wife

LegacyUser

just venting here as I have no one to talk to about this. tired of constantly being put down by the missus, told that I am an idiot etc...this happens on a daily basis. If I have not done something to her satisfaction or if I say the wrong thing then she lets loose. her moods can switch like a light switch. after a little while she is calm again and acts as if nothing has happened. We have a young girl together and I think that is the only reason I hang around.
I dont thinik that its post natal depression or anything like that. She was like this before we got married but it seems to have gotten a lot worse over the years.

I do love my wife but I feel that I am walking on egg shells the whole time, watching everything I say. I sometimes speak before I think and that sometimes leads to trouble. most of the time I just take the critism because if I try to stand up for myself she gets more aggressive. I cant rememeber the last time that she has apologised for the put downs / name calling. Am I being too sensitive about this? sometimes I think that I am and that I must have deserved the abuse, other times I just feel tired emotionally and I cant do this anymore.
Most people look forward to the weekend not me, I dread it. by the time sunday night comes along the tension in the house could be cut with a carving knife!
how do I approach a conversation about how she treats me at times, I dont know. I think that she'd cut into me for having a go.
has anyone else been through this and how did you get through it.
apologies for rambling and I hope it makes sense
thanks for reading.

Ickle Magoo

You need to sit her down and explain you are at breaking point and ask she attends couple counselling with you before you have no relationship left worth salvaging.

Some people take out their stresses and disappointments on their nearest and dearest and without proper boundaries and consequences in place can make their partner and family/friends lives a misery but emotional abuse and bullying is just that, regardless of gender/relationship and it is not an acceptable way to treat other people in your life.

You need to learn to insist your boundaries are respected and your wife needs to learn to both respect you and deal with her stress/anger management issues and it may be easier to do that with the help of a neutral third party.

All the best.

Sinfonia

Sounds awful, OP.

You'll probably get some better advice below (Edit: and above! Posted simultaneously..), but just to advise on one approach:

You pretty much have to bite the bullet and tell her you need to sit down with her and talk about it. Don't do it when she's angry about something, and I would also say don't do it if she seems in a particularly good mood either, try to keep all emotions as neutral as possible.
You need to tell her that you can't possibly stay in a relationship that makes you feel the way you do, and that you want the relationship to work, if for no other reason than the sake of your child, but to feel emotionally exhausted and uncomfortable in your own home is damaging to your mental health and your self-respect. Try to avoid using words that might provoke her, such as 'battered'/'assaulted' or anything like that.

Hope that's of some help

Taltos

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

You need to sit her down and explain you are at breaking point and ask she attends couple counselling with you before you have no relationship left worth salvaging.

Some people take out their stresses and disappointments on their nearest and dearest and without proper boundaries and consequences in place can make their partner and family/friends lives a misery but emotional abuse and bullying is just that, regardless of gender/relationship and it is not an acceptable way to treat other people in your life.

You need to learn to insist your boundaries are respected and your wife needs to learn to both respect you and deal with her stress/anger management issues and it may be easier to do that with the help of a neutral third party.

All the best.

+1 - definitely if there is something there worth saving.
Me - I might just have to pack a bag and leave but it all depends on really how much more you can take...

FYI - if you do give an ultimatum around counselling then make sure you damn well follow-through - otherwise it will just get worse for you.

LegacyUser

this kind of emotional abuse in the home may be a detriment to your child growing up in this environment. maybe counselling?

Cheap Thrills!

I agree with the poster above. This is emotional abuse. She is intimidating you with her anger.

I would also insist on counselling OP.

You shouldn't have to be bullied in your own home and your daughter is probably getting a terrible example from this carry on.

I'm not sure if amen deal with emotional bullying but their website is www.amen.ie

Please don't let this fester, for your own sake and the sake of your daughter.

Angeles

For the love of all things, do not use the excuse of 'must stay with her because of the kids'
Believe me i am from that type of family and I'm now 30 and have had my share of therapy because of it, you do 5 times more damage to your kids being in a destructive relationship, then a split up happy one.

With that in mind, stand up for yourself and throw your cards on the table, sooner then later before your emotions cause you to pop and hurt someone.

Organize a weekend for just the 2 of you, send your daughter to her grandparents or other family for the time and sort this out with your wife which the knowledge from the previous posters.

Talk it over, shout it over, compromise and follow up with lots of sex!

LegacyUser

For the love of God, do something now.

I grew up in a household where my parents behaved exactly like this. My father just took it, stood by and let her at it. It is the reason I have endless problems today and have to spend a fortune on counselling. I've picked up on many of my mother's bad habits and have little respect for my father for not stopping her behaviour.

Sort it now.

JajaD

guest1234 wrote: »

just venting here as I have no one to talk to about this. tired of constantly being put down by the missus, told that I am an idiot etc...this happens on a daily basis. If I have not done something to her satisfaction or if I say the wrong thing then she lets loose. her moods can switch like a light switch. after a little while she is calm again and acts as if nothing has happened. We have a young girl together and I think that is the only reason I hang around.
I dont thinik that its post natal depression or anything like that. She was like this before we got married but it seems to have gotten a lot worse over the years.



I do love my wife but I feel that I am walking on egg shells the whole time, watching everything I say. I sometimes speak before I think and that sometimes leads to trouble. most of the time I just take the critism because if I try to stand up for myself she gets more aggressive. I cant rememeber the last time that she has apologised for the put downs / name calling. Am I being too sensitive about this? sometimes I think that I am and that I must have deserved the abuse, other times I just feel tired emotionally and I cant do this anymore.
Most people look forward to the weekend not me, I dread it. by the time sunday night comes along the tension in the house could be cut with a carving knife!
how do I approach a conversation about how she treats me at times, I dont know. I think that she'd cut into me for having a go.
has anyone else been through this and how did you get through it.
apologies for rambling and I hope it makes sense
thanks for reading.

Oh i dont think your being too sensitive at all. Your wife seems to have underlying issues that she is taking out on you. Perhaps she also feels trapped in the relationship but that is no excuse for her to be mentally abusive. Abuse doesnt have to be physical it can be mental abuse too which oftens leads to depression, low self-esteem and many other problems. I would like to add that im currently in my last year of my degree course and studying 'Gender' which has given me so much insight into relationships as we have been reading lots of research done on this particular subject amongst many others. You would be surprised at how low the rate of male mental abuse from women is, this is because of the social stigma put on men to be 'manly' therefore unable to come forward and talk about these issues. The reason why the rate is so low is because few men come forward. But talking here is a great step. It is clear that in the larger scheme she is probably not a bad person, and you probably love each other but you must sort out what problem she has with you. Sit her down, grab a cup of tea, talk calmly and just tell her that you find it so demoralizing and that you dont deserve it. Tell her that you love her and that your there for her if ever she wants to talk. Tell her that her calling you names etc is not to continue. Give her a chance, if she ****s up well then threaten that you are going to leave if it continues, if it happens again well tell her there and then that she has broken her promise, that you have been so compromising and fair and that if she wants to be with you she should show it. tell her if it happens again you are gone. If she thinks anything of you she will feel so bad when u first talk to her, if she shows no remorse/embarrasment when u first sit her down well then she must not think anything of you. I think the fact that you came on here shows that you really care and I am sure she might only be in a period of her life where she is feeling down and just taking it out on the one she is closest to. Either way, confront her. Be patient and calm.

Hope it works out.

LegacyUser

sunflower27 wrote: »

Hi OP

Hope you are OK. Have you spoke with your wife yet?

Fromthe sounds of it, her attitude to you has just become learned behaviour and I really dont think at this stage a calm chat will change anything.

The fact you have just taken it means she sees you as weak. She doesnt think you are going anywhere and I dont think a chat will help. She'll probably just lose the rag and question who the hell you are to pull her up.

I think you need to suggest counselling. If she refuses then I'd be inclined to leave. She is making your life a misery. She knows she is doing it but has too little respect for you to change her stinking attitude. I thinks she sounds really sad though as most people dont go around feeling the need to put down other people - and certainly not their partner.

You have one shot at this life.... don't waste it OP. You don't want to look back in 5 years and feel regret for not thinking of yourself and your happiness.

Good luck.

This post is well meaning but absolutely full of assumptions. he has barely attempted to fix this problem and you already have him out the door. presumably leaving his child behind him. who will protect the child from a potentially emotionally abusive relationship?

although growing up in this environment might not be good for them, as mentioned by a poster who came from a similar family, would the child fare better if dad bails?

Beruthiel

guest1234 wrote: »

how do I approach a conversation about how she treats me at times, I dont know. I think that she'd cut into me for having a go.

You could start by sending her a link to this thread, or at least telling her the contents of the OP.
She seems to have lost respect for you. Or, at the very least, forgotten why she married you.
I would say there is something going on in her head and you're getting the brunt of it.

Our partners always have something that annoys us, but if we care for them we let those little things slide. Certainly, the atmosphere in the house shouldn't be affected by it and only when something is bothering us do we see this stuff and take our bad moods out on them.

You could also be pro active in dealing with it.
If my hubby treated me like that then it would come to a stage where I would tell him I've had enough. That I'm taking no more of his bullsh!t.
That he either cop the fuk on or I'm walking.
Perhaps that will be enough for her to tell you what's on her mind.
If not, suggest seeing a professional together.
Best of luck.

wildlifeman

you need to grow a set of balls, tell the bitch to shut the **** up or you are walking. tell her you cant live with her constant naggy bitch attitude and you dont need it. i cant belieive you even apologised for posting this..c'mon you even come across as a walkover in your post. so i can only imagine what you are like behind closed doors. someday you will explode with pent up frustration and go postal if you let this continue. seriously though i would walk, it doesnt sound like she is going to change. everyone will say sit down and discuss this like adults but you know full well how that will end up..another ear bashing for ye..walk away.

JajaD

wildlifeman wrote: »

you need to grow a set of balls, tell the bitch to shut the **** up or you are walking. tell her you cant live with her constant naggy bitch attitude and you dont need it. i cant belieive you even apologised for posting this..c'mon you even come across as a walkover in your post. so i can only imagine what you are like behind closed doors. someday you will explode with pent up frustration and go postal if you let this continue. seriously though i would walk, it doesnt sound like she is going to change. everyone will say sit down and discuss this like adults but you know full well how that will end up..another ear bashing for ye..walk away.

But you cant just walk away from a marriage and your kid. Its not that easy. Its simple, tell her your not taking it anymore, tell her that your giving her one more chance and if she blows that chance THEN walk away. You need to give her an ultimatum. As suggested above, it would be a good idea to show her this post, and show her that your opinions are backed by everyone here. Hope it goes well.

Ickle Magoo

wildlifeman warned for being unnecessarily aggressive.

Please keep replies on topic and helpful to the OP and reply to threads in a civil and well phrased manner.

If you haven't already done so, please take the time to read the forum rules in the charter.

Many thanks.
Ickle

Taltos

user666 wrote: »

he has barely attempted to fix this problem and you already have him out the door.

How do you know? Op himself tells us she has apologised in the past.

user666 wrote: »

presumably leaving his child behind him. who will protect the child from a potentially emotionally abusive relationship?

Another assumption - though probably fair enough with the courts views on parental rights. Walking might be the only thing the OP can do to protect the child - I see the follow options just out of the bat
1. Takes the child with him and provides stable environment
2. Leaves child - but since OP is gone - hopefully the trigger is gone and the mother might cop on.
3. If 2 proves false then the OP needs to contact child services or seek legal rights to protect the child.

OP - really hope you got in touch with a support group on this.
Failing that can I suggest that you figure out what you want from all of this?
> Do you just want respect?
> Or a divorce
> Or guardianship of your child?
Once you know what you want - I know what you can accept - then seek legal advice on how to achieve this. This does NOT preclude you also attending marriage counselling - you can even just go alone - you might be surprised how it helps. Just keep the solicitor to yourself for the moment.
It is imperative that you know your rights backwards & forwards here.

Do not kid yourself that by putting up with this it will get better - it won't. Chances are high it will get worse & on top of that your child will be scarred for life and may think that all relationships are this toxic.

1. Figure out your choices
2. Seek legal aid
3. Seek counselling
4. Follow your path - whatever triggers you decide on - once they are hit move forwards and don't look back.

Life & marriage are not meant to be a chore - that is what work is for...

LegacyUser

Hey OP,
I could have posted the exact same thing a few months ago, my situation was so similar.
I've just split from my ex, left my little girl behind (the hardest thing I've ever done) as well as everything I/we had in the house.
I had been with my partner for approx 8 years, she always had serious anger issues, never apologised for anything (in fact I would apologise just to keep the peace) however I stuck at it, hoping and praying that one day we could sort things out and have a normal relationship.
She would take out her stress on not only me but our daughter too, the only reason I stayed for so long was for the child. I was constantly being put down despite doing more than my fair share of housework, paying more than half the bills, never once even thinking about betraying her. I felt like utter s**t most of the time. She completely refused to go to relationship counselling.

Anyway, I just walked one day and now four months later I'm 100% sure I made the right decision. I'm broke, I still miss her in funny ways and I don't see my daughter as much but generally speaking I'm HAPPY!!!
Things have calmed down, I have my daughter about half the week and I'm looking forward to life again.

My advice: try the counselling route, I don't think it would've helped us but it could help you and your wife. If things haven't improved then get out, you'll be happier, your wife will be happier but most importantly your child will have a chance of growing up normally.

Best of luck!!!!