What to do?

Stab*City

I have just found my son who was put up for adoption by my ex and her family when i was 16. I didnt go looking as i was told dont bother they will never tell you where he is. So i just waited to see if he would contact me. I havent seen him since he was two weeks old. He turns 18 next month. I tried to fight a custody battle but had to give up as i was only a minor myself and not at the best place in my life those days. I always wanted my son and it was not my decision to give him up. His mother is deceased (she took her own life not long after the adoption). The other night i was approached by someone who supplied me with some photos and info on how to find one of my sons social networking profiles.

What do i do? Contact him or dont? I really really dont want to cause him anymore pain.. but i feel like i have to do something.

kathy finn

hi, why don,t u try writing him a letter telling him just what u said in ur post, include ur address and telephone number and give him time to come to terms with the fact that his birthdad is looking to reunite with him.
i would not try to contact him in person or over any social networking site, give him time after u send the letter, the rest will be up to him.
good luck...kathy

Stab*City

His page on the social networking site is my only avenue of contact.

kathy finn

with a bit of digging im sure u can get an address for him, try the telephone directory on line, u will have his hometown and name from the social networking site....kathy

Stab*City

kathy finn wrote: »

with a bit of digging im sure u can get an address for him, try the telephone directory on line, u will have his hometown and name from the social networking site....kathy

Thanks Kathy, only problem is he wont have an entry in the phonebook unless he has a landline.

Ickle Magoo

What would you like to do? If you want to make contact and tell him your side and ask to be a part of his life then you should do that - you have no way of knowing what will cause pain, not getting in touch or getting in touch until you do it, unfortunately. As a personal aside, I think it should be his choice to make, so I think you should at least let him know who you are and that you are there if they wish to pursue contact.

My friend found her daughter via facebook and they are now in regular contact so it can work out.

All the best

Stab*City

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

What would you like to do? If you want to make contact and tell him your side and ask to be a part of his life then you should do that - you have no way of knowing what will cause pain, not getting in touch or getting in touch until you do it, unfortunately. As a personal aside, I think it should be his choice to make, so I think you should at least let him know who you are and that you are there if they wish to pursue contact.

My friend found her daughter via facebook and they are now in regular contact so it can work out.

All the best

I just added him as a friend so now i wait and see if he accepts.

MaryMagdalene

Good luck - do let us know how this goes for you.

runway16

You can also send him a message on facebook without being friends.. instead of the letter that was suggested above, just write it all in the message.

I was given up for adoption in Limerick without the consent of my birth father also, so I went straight to this thread when I saw it.... but im in my thirties so no such happy discovery! ;-)

Hope it all works out for you - and if you want my take on the matter, I would definitely prefer if my birth father got in touch - at least then I could make a choice. Whether its by letter or facebook, it really wouldnt matter to me.

OS119

any chance of anyone considering the best interests of the adoptee in all this?

do you know if he knows he's adopted?

do you know if he knows the circumstances of his adoption?

do you know if he knows his birth mother is dead - and under what circumstances she died?

do you know if he has any interest in finding out about/contacting his birth family?

do you have any understanding of his present family arrangements and state of mind?

cancel this friend request (he may see it and think he's being chatted up by a dirty old man - is that how you wish to meet your 'son'? - go and see an experienced adoption case worker to get advice on how to proceed and councelling to decide whether you should - then leave the contacting the hands of people who know what they are doing and who will act in the best interests of both parties.

to undertake such a massive upheaval through facebook is crass in the extreme - you risk causing your 'son' appalling damage if he is not absolutely ready, informed and willing to contact you. you are supposed to be the adult, the parent - put your own selfish needs aside and act in the best interests of the adoptee. deep breath, and grow up.

The_Conductor

Personally- I think that contacting someone via Facebook (or similar) is tasteless- however I don't think there is anything inherently wrong with it. If I were in your position- I'd go into gather mode- try to get as much information as possible, and then approach the person in the traditional manner- with a simple card or letter (see the trace guides for examples).

If you have enough information to find the person on Facebook- you certainly have enough information to track them down 'in the real world'.

runway16

OS119 wrote: »

any chance of anyone considering the best interests of the adoptee in all this?

do you know if he knows he's adopted?

do you know if he knows the circumstances of his adoption?

do you know if he knows his birth mother is dead - and under what circumstances she died?

do you know if he has any interest in finding out about/contacting his birth family?

do you have any understanding of his present family arrangements and state of mind?

cancel this friend request (he may see it and think he's being chatted up by a dirty old man - is that how you wish to meet your 'son'? - go and see an experienced adoption case worker to get advice on how to proceed and councelling to decide whether you should - then leave the contacting the hands of people who know what they are doing and who will act in the best interests of both parties.

to undertake such a massive upheaval through facebook is crass in the extreme - you risk causing your 'son' appalling damage if he is not absolutely ready, informed and willing to contact you. you are supposed to be the adult, the parent - put your own selfish needs aside and act in the best interests of the adoptee. deep breath, and grow up.

OS,

I respectfully suggest you wind your neck in and dismount from the horseback.

I am an adoptee, and I expressed the wish that i'd like my father to contact by whatever means.

Thanks for your concern for my welfare, but I can speak for myself!

Fathers tend to be the forgotten part of the adoption equation, which may put many of them off from attempting a search by the normal means.