confusiion

LegacyUser

Ok I have a bit of a dilemma ! I am married for a number of years and am pretty happy ,being honest is a huge part of my life and was one of the reason I felt a great connection with my wife as she said the same .
So as relationships naturally start you get to know each other you talk and say things etc,we where very open with each other which was great, she made some comments that seemed to suggest a few sexual partners, grand no problems, so as we got more serious we had a proper talk which was instigated by my oh on previous partners etc so ,I felt this was important too as I think it important to be honest so I told her. she told me that she had just the 1 but going on previous comments I thought that was strange but just presumed that I had taken her previous comments wrongly ,so all was good .
Fast forward a couple of years and we are talking and something is said that suggest again that there was more than just the 1 partner so I confront/ ask again and she admits that there was 5 others ,I was gutted devastated and admittedly I didn’t take it well ,yeah I was annoyed, I hated the thought of other people with my oh but that’s just normal , but more so I was gutted that she wasn’t honest with me ,it tore me apart, now the thing is things still didn’t add up but she swore that was it. now to now and something else was said and I believe that she still wasn’t fully honest with me so what really is my problem is do I do ?do I ask again and finally put it to bed or just leave it ?

Taltos

Let me keep this short.
> This is all YOUR issue.
Leave her alone on this. No matter what she tells you now you will not believe it anymore. Jealousy has its arms wrapped all about you. Somehow you just need to let go of this - and instead be thankful that no matter what this wonderful woman has chosen to be with you and every day chooses to stay with you.

Keep on the jealousy road and you really risk destroying what is really a wonderful relationship. Is that what you really want?

greenprincess

Ya I agree you need to let it go. She may have lied about how many men she was with before. And it was probably to impress you! But after it was said she couldnt go back on it.

ManOfMystery

Just let it go man. We've all been there and felt that twinge you get when your partner is talking about exes and previous sexual history, but it does you no good.

You've been married for years now, and by your own admission you're pretty happy. At this stage, what does it matter if she had 1 partner before you or 50? She's with you, she's chosen you, that's all in the past - she's not with any of them.

IrishEyes19

I agree with others here. Ok she wasnt honest with you. But the number of sexual partners is often a tricky subject. If all else is sound in your marriage be happy for that. She married you after all. Not them!

seenitall

OP, it seems that all the posters on here are in agreement that you are over-reacting to the situation, so I just wanted to put in my 2 cents and tell you that I disagree with the majority here and I understand how you feel, although I can't really offer any more worthwhile advice than you have been given.

I would be absolutely livid and very hurt if I discovered that the person who I am supposed to be closest in the world to and trust implicitly in our intimate chats and everything else, had been lying to me on an issue like this. This is because I value trust and NOT LYING in a relationship so highly, that it is perhaps not very pragmatic or realistic to expect, I don't know. All I know is that the second I discover someone's been lying to me, a part of that relationship dies inside me. I don't get who I am supposed to trust if not an OH, I don't get what a relationship is for if I cannot trust what is coming out of their mouths. Perhaps this is also one of the reasons why I am single. Very likely I am "high maintenance". So I hope you don't follow my path!

I am sure you have been given the right advice to try and get over those little lies (in the greater scheme of things), just chalk up your discovery to getting to know your OH and accepting her for who she is. It would be worth it, wouldn't it?

Best wishes.

Peanut2011

OP, most apart from one have told you to leave it and just get on with your life.

I know I will be in the minority when I say that I disagree with them. This is very personal thing and I know if my partner told me something like that after telling me another, it would be all over.

One poster said, why does it matter if it was 1 or 50! Well it does matter very much so! Who said that the OP or anyone else would go this far in the relationship and marry her if they knew the real number??

If my OH told me (as the example was used) she was with one other before me and was a long term relationship I would not have a huge problem with that, however if she told me she was with 50 others I would run a mile!!! Again, i'm not judging her for her choices but that is not for me.

To me it is obvious this is very important to OP as he brought up the subject on more than one occasion. Furthermore if any relationship is built on trust than everything they say must be true. If anything, no matter how small or insignificant than came up to be a lie the whole relationship would be a lie. I would feel betrayed and hurt and there would be never anything else they could do to change that.

OP, I think you need to ask her, but you need to be ready to hear what you don't want to hear! You need to be sure what you want to do, no matter what the answer is!

Hopefully if you explain how hurt you are by her lying and that you absolutely must know the truth and how important it is to you, she might see what she did was wrong. I guess it would have been better if she refused to tell you anything.

Either way, I wish you all the best and hopefully it works out for you.

LegacyUser

Greenprincess I understand this and that’s what I thought the first time !I thought we sorted that and I don’t judge people all that harshly.
Seenitall has summed me up better than I could have expressed myself(I’m not great at getting this into words), It was like something was lost a lot more important and I did question everything about myself at the time but not our relationship , it did open my eyes a bit and I did take off the blinkers.I haven’t a real issue with no’s ,obviously if it was ridiculous that would be different but I normally don’t judge and that’s was some part of the above problem, I was presumed to be something I’m not ! I still have a bit of thinking

gerryk

bt123sa wrote: »

I hated the thought of other people with my oh but that’s just normal

I actually don't think it is. We all have sexual pasts, Some colourful, some very vanilla, some with numerous partners and some with just one, or none!
If you don't like the specifics, then don't ask questions. Her past is her past, but you are her present, don't forget that.

Some people can handle knowing the details of their SO's past, some can not. I am one who accepts my wife's past, as she does mine, but we don't labour over details such as who, when, what and how many. Down that road, IMO, is not for me, or her. Some get off on it, but not me, so we choose to leave it, for the most part, undiscussed.

Take my advice... get over it.

IrishEyes19

Good god. Id be upset if she had cheated on me, or had some terrible secret. But for god sake those partners could have been when she was young in her early twenties, or whenever. This is not an issue Id start a war with my OH over. Especially if my marriage was happy and no other issues were present.

As it is Im a very private person. And if my OH started discussing past partners, Id feel uncomfortable, Im sure some good body is going to come along now and say "trust is essential, you should feel you can tell your OH your deepest secrets." Well Im naturally private and have never liked discussing sexual matters with people regardless of who they are. Its not because I dont trust them.

I would leave this go, she obviously does not feel comfortable with the issue. Obviously if bigger issues were at stake like possibly STD's or paternity tests, It would be important, but Some people should learn that not everyone likes discussing who they had sex with in the past.

seenitall

IrishEyes19 wrote: »

"trust is essential",

Some people should learn that not everyone likes discussing who they had sex with in the past.

Good God indeed.

Trust is essential. Damn right. The woman lied.

The woman initiated the subject of past lovers, so it doesn't look like she was loath to discuss it, does it? No, she was quite eager to have a proper chat about it and lie through her teeth for a reason known only to herself. Respectful and trustworthy. The issue that she "doesn't feel comfortable with" is the issue of being caught out in her lies numerous times and of taking her husband for a fool.

Some people should learn that not everyone who lies through their teeth dislikes discussing who they had sex with in the past. Some just get off on their lies.

IrishEyes19

seenitall wrote: »

Good God indeed.

Trust is essential. Damn right. The woman lied.

The woman initiated the subject of past lovers, so it doesn't look like she was loath to discuss it, does it? No, she was quite eager to have a proper chat about it and lie through her teeth for a reason known only to herself. Respectful and trustworthy. The issue that she "doesn't feel comfortable with" is the issue of being caught out in her lies numerous times and of taking her husband for a fool.

Some people should learn that not everyone who lies through their teeth dislikes discussing who they had sex with in the past. Some just get off on their lies.

I hardly doubt the OP's wife is getting off on her lies. They are a married couple, not teenagers. Secondly, the OP never said she initiated the conversation, he said, her references made it sound like there were past lovers.

Also the OP never stated who brought the convo up and maybe she felt pressured when he possibly asked her, and so maybe she lied under pressure and couldnt cover her tracks the following time. Again its not a comfortable subject for everyone. Not everyone is the same.

Taltos

OP - at the end of the day most of us have done things in our past we are not particularly proud of, as a result many of us lie about these things to ourselves and to others.

Personally I dislike liars, but life is not always black and white. Whatever number she slept with was before your time. And being frank it really is none of your business if it was 1 or 100 provided in so doing she has not put your health at risk.

However the crux here is that she appears to have lied about the number. Well as above - the number is not your business. I am stressing that as I want to be sure that you are being honest with yourself that your confusion here is really from the lie itself and not from the fact that she slept with more than you thought...

OK - so back to the topic at hand. She lied about her past - not ideal - but for whatever reason she did so. Maybe she felt you would judge her, maybe she was genuinely embarrassed - or maybe she just does not know...
Now - you do know her - if this is the only incident of falsehood you have seen in your years together then there is something else driving you here (jealousy?); if however this is just yet another lie from her then you have a larger question to answer.

See I expect honesty from others, but it is naive of me to believe that every thing I am ever told is the truth. We as humans are designed to adapt the truth - "yes your bum looks small in that" - "of course I don't mind you lasting 30 seconds" - "if you look as good at 60 as your mum I will be happy". It is all about degree and the important things. Hiding a past you are not thrilled about for me is a smaller thing than that person telling me they love me while they go off shagging your best friend...

You started out saying this was a great relationship - let me go back to my first comment - this is all about YOU. Please don't your insecurities or high expectations of full disclosure spoil what could be a wonderful lifelong pairing.

ManOfMystery

Peanut2011 wrote: »

OP, most apart from one have told you to leave it and just get on with your life.

I know I will be in the minority when I say that I disagree with them. This is very personal thing and I know if my partner told me something like that after telling me another, it would be all over.

One poster said, why does it matter if it was 1 or 50! Well it does matter very much so! Who said that the OP or anyone else would go this far in the relationship and marry her if they knew the real number??

If my OH told me (as the example was used) she was with one other before me and was a long term relationship I would not have a huge problem with that, however if she told me she was with 50 others I would run a mile!!! Again, i'm not judging her for her choices but that is not for me.

Again, I say .................. at this stage, what does it matter if it was 1 or 50?

What exactly will change now that the OP knows a few more details of his partner's sexual history?

Does it make her a different person? No, she's still the same person who's been with him these last few years.
Will it make her start acting differently? Of course not - why would it? In her mind it all happened before she got with the OP.
Will it change any of the experiences and times they've shared together as a couple? Of course not, it's not as if she betrayed him or the like.

My point is ............. the only thing that this 'revelation' will change is the OP's opinion of his partner, and thus his attitude towards her. She's still the same person she was as the day before she told him this. Any issue which he suddenly has with all of this stuff (which happened before he came along) is in his mind.

No offence, but if your longterm partner suddenly disclosed details of their sexual history which you weren't aware of, and you ran a mile - that would be a pretty lousy thing to do. People who are emotionally mature enough to accept that we all have a past - some more colourful than others - don't run off at the first sign of something they're uncomfortable with, especially not if they've been with their partner for years.

If you want to pick and choose the people you have relationships with based solely on how many came before you (no pun intended!), that's your prerogative. And it's fine when establishing a new relationship. But this isn't a new relationship where there isn't much at stake, this is his longterm partner. She's done a bit more sexually than he thought - deal with it, move on, it has no bearing on their future together unless he lets it fester away in his mind.

seenitall

bt123sa wrote: »

Ok I have a bit of a dilemma ! I am married for a number of years and am pretty happy ,being honest is a huge part of my life and was one of the reason I felt a great connection with my wife as she said the same .
So as relationships naturally start you get to know each other you talk and say things etc,we where very open with each other which was great, she made some comments that seemed to suggest a few sexual partners, grand no problems, so as we got more serious we had a proper talk which was instigated by my oh on previous partners etc so ,I felt this was important too as I think it important to be honest so I told her. she told me that she had just the 1 but going on previous comments I thought that was strange but just presumed that I had taken her previous comments wrongly ,so all was good .
Fast forward a couple of years and we are talking and something is said that suggest again that there was more than just the 1 partner so I confront/ ask again and she admits that there was 5 others ,I was gutted devastated and admittedly I didn’t take it well ,yeah I was annoyed, I hated the thought of other people with my oh but that’s just normal , but more so I was gutted that she wasn’t honest with me ,it tore me apart, now the thing is things still didn’t add up but she swore that was it. now to now and something else was said and I believe that she still wasn’t fully honest with me so what really is my problem is do I do ?do I ask again and finally put it to bed or just leave it ?

Irish Eyes, I bolded several bits for you which I think are pertinent and very, very difficult to move past in what is supposed to be a relationship of trust and honesty, not least among them the woman's repeated lying, as well as the part which mentions she instigated the conversation on one occasion.

ManofMistery, I don't care two-whit about the number of partners someone's had, what I care about is when someone swears honesty, instigates "honest" conversations with their trusting partner, and then - lies to them. And lies again. And again. Damn right this "revelation" (as you say) would change the way I look at my partner. He may still be the same man as he was yesterday, but he's not the same man he was leading me to believe he was (i.e. honest with me!). Perhaps honesty is something you don't care too much about, ok. But some people do. I just wanted to let the OP know that I do, and that I fully understand how he is feeling. I think he is justified in feeling deceived, I myself would feel like I was played for a fool big time.

I also said that he would be well advised to try and put it all behind him as best he can in the name of the relationship he does have. For that to happen, he will have to adjust his expectations of the relationship; they cannot stay the same as they were when he believed his wife was honest with him.

Personally, I'd be hard pressed at this point to believe anything else this woman is saying. If she can lie about such an insignificant issue (in the greater scheme of things of married life etc), which was tackled by herself in the spirit of intimacy and honesty, well, draw your own conclusions.

IrishEyes19

seenitall wrote: »

Irish Eyes, I bolded several bits for you which I think are pertinent and very, very difficult to move past in what is supposed to be a relationship of trust and honesty, not least among them the woman's repeated lying, as well as the part which mentions she instigated the conversation on one occasion.

ManofMistery, I don't care two-whit about the number of partners someone's had, what I care about is when someone swears honesty, instigates "honest" conversations with their trusting partner, and then - lies to them. And lies again. And again. Damn right this "revelation" (as you say) would change the way I look at my partner. He may still be the same man as he was yesterday, but he's not the same man he was leading me to believe he was (i.e. honest with me!). Perhaps honesty is something you don't care too much about, ok. But some people do. I just wanted to let the OP know that I do, and that I fully understand how he is feeling. I think he is justified in feeling deceived, I myself would feel like I was played for a fool big time.

I also said that he would be well advised to try and put it all behind him as best he can in the name of the relationship he does have. For that to happen, he will have to adjust his expectations of the relationship; they cannot stay the same as they were when he believed his wife was honest with him.

Personally, I'd be hard pressed at this point to believe anything else this woman is saying. If she can lie about such an insignificant issue (in the greater scheme of things of married life etc), which was tackled by herself in the spirit of intimacy and honesty, well, draw your own conclusions.

My bad, I misread the original post, seenitall.

But I still argue a persons sexual past is their own business regardless unless there is medical issues or crime involved.

@OP, however if this clearly bothers you, I doubt it will go away. You are better off to sit down and say to her what you have said here.

Wagon

she lied. so you only have two options:

1. divorce her.

2. take her out back and shoot her. (you can get a gun in your local Spar)

Debthree

In my opinion, you are way too concerned with her past sex life. You want exact numbers by the sounds of it. I don't think that's healthy and, as the first response said, this is your problem, not hers. Have you given her an exact number of your previous sexual partners? And if you have was it a list of just those you had full intercourse with or do you include those you were initimate with but didn't have intercourse? See what I mean? A past sex life is just that, PAST.

I'm failing to see how exact numbers are important right now. She made a commitment to you and presumably she's been faithful since making that commitment. What more could you possibly expect from her?

I bet she is well aware of how much you hate hearing about her sexual past and that's why she hasn't been 100% upfront about it. Whilst I agree that nobody relishes the visual of their spouse in bed with someone else, most people do realise that it's normal, it's life, it's healthy even. I suspect you are over-sensitive about the issue.

Give her a break. If she hasn't done anything to cause you concern since you got married, then it's unfair to punish her retrospectively.

LegacyUser

Debthree wrote: »

I don't think that's healthy and, as the first response said, this is your problem, not hers.

I'm failing to see how exact numbers are important right now. She made a commitment to you and presumably she's been faithful since making that commitment. What more could you possibly expect from her?

Whilst I agree that nobody relishes the visual of their spouse in bed with someone else, most people do realise that it's normal, it's life, it's healthy even. I suspect you are over-sensitive about the issue.

Give her a break. If she hasn't done anything to cause you concern since you got married, then it's unfair to punish her retrospectively.

Sorry Debthree but you seem to be missing the point here. Yes, OP has the problem with her sexual past only cos she lied about it. If she never answered and he never asked there would have been no problem.

If that was you and you heard your spouse was a prostitute when she was younger, would you still have same opinion of her? Don't get me wrong I'm not saying she is just cos she had lot of partners but just hypothetically.

If she knew he had the problem with that and I'm sure that would have been evident from the start, she should have come clean at the beginning. This notion of she chose you and she is with you I don't buy.

In that theory cheating is just as justified. You can always say well, he / she comes back to you every night and they love you. What they have with another person is just physical! Would you say that is fine too?

For some people it is, for OP does not seem to be!