[short story] "Love" (working title)

antz182

The rain outside the car was heavy and unyielding. The sound of the rain hitting the windshield created a deafening drumbeat that was so contrasting with the unspoken words inside the car. He looked lovingly at her, she was so beautiful in his eyes, yet here he was, outside her house, after their first date, and they couldn’t even say goodnight to each other. Lights from passing cars cast an eerie glow on both of them, but every time the light hit her face, she looked more and more beautiful in his eyes. He decided to go for it and went in to kiss her…
He thought about that night for hours on end, seemingly sucked into a dark void in his heart, he knew she’d never be back, yet he pined for her so much it hurt. When he thought of her he felt like he was falling, not in love with her all over again, but falling down into a dark period of his life. It was such a contrast with how he felt about her from the first time they met, yet he could never get over her. He felt trapped and didn’t know where to turn, but yet he couldn’t help thinking about her….
The tension in the car was so palpable it could be cut with a knife. Words didn’t need to be spoken. He looked in her eyes; he knew she felt the same as he did. They were in love, they longed for each other. That first kiss sealed their fate; he thought they would love one another forever. Yet as each car passed, the darkness surrounded her and he thought he was losing her. This was all he was left with after a while, the memory of darkness breaking over her as he slowly began to forget her name and about her altogether…
The wave broke against the shore with a crash. He was alone on the beach, at their favourite spot. He stared out to see, hoping she would come up behind him and surprise him as she had done so often in the past when they agreed to meet in this spot. He started to cry when he realised she was never coming back. She had broken his heart and the pieces would never be recovered. He threw rocks into the ocean, making a wish with every one that skipped more than three times. “I need you so bad he whispered to himself”
He was falling again, but this time it felt good. He looked at the girl across from him at the table and prepared himself for what he was about to do. This time he was sure. After all the pain and suffering of past mistakes, this was the one. He bent down on one knee and asked her to marry him. She said yes and he knew that at last, he had fallen…..in love.

DublinWriter

How truthful do you like your criticism?

antz182

very truthful....but sugar coat it a little, its my first time trying this out :(

nervous_twitch

OP, I don't think your content is half bad, and I think you've got something quite interesting in both the falling and the darkness motifs. However, your writing needs a lot of work.

The language you use is ridden with cliche; phrases like cutting the tension with a knife, sealing one's fate, or looking 'lovingly' at somebody, make for tired reading because we've seen it all before. Try to articulate yourself in an original manner, as thats what keeps the reader interested. The language also seems to vary in register - sentences like 'he decided to go for it' don't sit too well with the rest of the text.

It was a bit difficult to follow. I initially thought it was two different car scenes you were talking about; 'he thought about that night for hours on end' threw me a bit, before we went back to the car. That might just be my tired head, though.

"I need you so bad," he whispered to himself. The emotions of the story didn't feel in any way authentic, who really says this kind of thing to themselves?

see = sea

I wasn't too fond of the ending, either. A bit conveniently wrapped up for my liking.

All that said, practice makes perfect, and I think you should keep working on it because I think there is promise here.

nervous_twitch

I hope you don't mind OP, but I had a go at re-working your story! Just for fun.

After criticising yours, I know I'm probably throwing myself to the wolves here, but would someone mind critiquing this? Its a tad dramatic, as a micro-story should be

***

The rain outside the car was heavy and unyielding. Hitting against the windshield, it created a deafening drumbeat that drowned out the silence inside. He couldn't stand it; how perfect she looked under the eerie glow of passing cars. It was almost too much. Say something. Her face was turned, gazing at the steady roll of precipitation over the passenger window. There wasn't anything awkward in her expression, he noted. There wasn't anything, really. No furrowed brow. No frantic searching for words. She seemed absent, but not uncomfortable. Say nothing. He decided she needed to be kissed.

Beating rhythms. Pink, cardiac muscle, pumping life around his body. Flushed tissue, happy heart. Shallow breath. This moment was branded on his brain and it struck him intermittently; his stomach would drop and the bile would rise before he could shift his train of thought. He had been falling since he met her. First it was love, and then it was nowhere in particular. The more distant she became, the further he fell from himself, until one day he realised that the person he had been was no longer visible. She stayed at the forefront, nevertheless, forever in focus.

It doesn't make much sense, looking back, but the cars became less frequent and eventually just stopped. The kiss had been short and difficult, but it had been reciprocated. They stared at one another in the growing darkness, still without speaking. This is something. His memories aren't exact, but he does recall how her features began to fade, until she was nothing but a slight silhouette against the storm. Impulsively, he took the soft skin of her hand in his own, wanting to make sure she didn't disappear entirely.

Their sand. Their waves. Their breeze, carrying its salty ocean scent. Her arm clutched tightly around his neck, contemplating the endless possibilities of such an expansive horizon. Half a world of open sea. Their sea. Their nothing. Faceless pedestrians lingered in the background, watching this sole figure at the shoreline, kicking rocks into the water. His foot struck them with an almost manic urgency, until he was just kicking up clumps of sand. A damp. He succumbed, allowing himself to drop into the shallows. A rot. Hot, unfamiliar tears. A poison.

He'd been falling since he met her.

____