Boyfriend's issues re sex

LegacyUser

I am having nearly enough the same situation at the moment, in fact we are in the middle of an arguement involving it.

I am going out with this guy just over 1 year, we didnt sleep together for 2months and I thought this was really sweet and respectable of him not applying any pressure..
When we did begin sex it was great same about 4/5 months, nearly everytime we would be together his house / my house ( we both live with our parents) something physical would happen.... Then I really noticed on holidays in the summer we went with his family and out of 5days in our own hotel room we slept together 3times.. I approached the subject and he said he didnt realise he was slacking and it would change..Since then it will be 80% me instigating anything between us?? And I have had to raise the subject again twice ( the last time being this weekend ) fully explaining how rejected and unattractive i feel etc. I well maintain myself, work out and keep in shape so on the front of it all I know I am attractive and would be / should be desired after....

I took him to a hotel on Saturday night for his birthday and we went for lunch, then dinner that night, I had champayne for the room and something nice to wear, he didnt as much as give me a decent kiss ( Bearing in mind on fri morning I told him I had gotten a show of my period and it was very strange because I had finished it 3days ago so was surprised it was back and I said it may be gone by this afternoon and I didnt mention anymore of it but in fact the period did stop that afternoon ) But in the hotel he didnt as much as ask what my situation was? or even try it on with me? Most times if I happen to be unable to do anything he knows I will sort him out i.e Oral sex...

The heal of the hunt is yesterday when I confronted him he said he thought I was still on my period so didnt try anything and going back over the months he doesnt see a problem, I told him I am fully 100% behind him working out this problem that I want to work through this and develop the standard sex life a couple have at our age / stage should have... He is completely in denial that he may have a low sex drive and said maybe he is just lazy in the bedroom - that he ''fancies the arse of me'' and that it is justified I feel the way I do but thats him and he's not going to change?? He wont meet up with me because he said he has said everything he has to say on the subject....

I'm absolutely heart broken and dont know where to go from here? I really and truly love him
He has no financial worries, he's a great saver and lives at home. and his family life is pretty cosy so he wouldnt have any extra pressures?

Ickle Magoo

Hi there,

Given you your own thread so replies in the other thread are pertinent only to the person who started it. /mod hat

Perhaps you just have very different libidos? It happens that one partner is completely out of kilter with the other and the longer the relationship becomes the more obvious and pronounced the difference is. The bottom line is; if you feel unsatisfied and that there is an issue then he has to at least acknowledge you feel that way and explore why or your relationship is on a hiding to nothing.

All the best

Permabear

This post has been deleted.

Taltos

Maybe I am being dense OP - but what is his issue with you having your period?
Is he just making excuses or something?
I mean I know in the dark ages this was all taboo but surely by now we have all gotten in touch with reality and realised that the period is just another bodily function and not an excuse to make a pariah out of women...

Maybe he just has a lower sex drive - though he might not want to admit it. But hopefully if he realises that his silence is pushing you away he will own up to whatever it is.

Also - I wonder if he is under any stress in work. When I get really tired and majorly stressed out the last thing on my mind is sex - despite it being a great way to "relieve" the pressure. Finally - could he be feeling low about how he looks? Just throwing some ideas out there - he might fancy the pants off you but there could be so many things just not clicking in his head - all the while he starts feeling worse about whatever it was in the meantime. The best way out for him is to open up and talk - but don't over-pressure him - just let him know you are there for him...

Canluum

Googlegirl86 wrote: »

going back over the months he doesnt see a problem, I told him I am fully 100% behind him working out this problem that I want to work through this and develop the standard sex life a couple have

I said similar in the other thread to the girl who was having a similar problem to you. You're making this his problem, when it's not about him at all, he is happy enough, physically satisfied and has zero complaints. So when you try to point out he has a problem, he's like "Wuh? Meh... no I don't".

Actually it is your problem, and I don't mean that in an unkind way. I mean it in a constructive way so you can hopefully find a way to make it better. Your needs are not being satisfied. You are the one who is unhappy and frustrated, feeling rejected.

You shouldn't be focusing your attention on trying to fix his problem, but asking him to fix yours!

Turn the tables, instead of blaming and accusing him of things (to which he will merely argue and counter), ask that he might try to support your needs. A relationship requires compromise.

I hope you don't mind I quote myself from the other thread:

Canluum wrote: »

the best way (not start an argument and get your point across) is to use "I" statements. He can't argue with a feeling you have. DON'T make it about him "You have this problem ... you need to get it fixed" is the worst way possible to approach it. Don't go around trying to change him... you can't, only he can. Make it about yourself "I need you to be intimate with me on a regular basis, I want this to work. When we are not intimate I feel rejected, hurt, unloved. I need you to do something about it.". Look here for more information: http://www.compassioncoach.com/how_and_when_to_use_i_statements