Monday 'Uns

MonkieSocks

I was invited to a Barbecue yesterday.

Imagine my surprise when I found myself waiting for a haircut.
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I was in a pub today and this bloke threw some potassium permanganate and some sodium hydroxide on me, I just didn't know how to react....!!
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Ever notice that 'Innocent' fruit smoothies are available in every colour except black?
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Peter Andre has applied for a job in a Chilean coal mine.

He's got four years experience of humping slag and lifting a heavy spade.
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David Cameron has announced he intends to make it more difficult to claim benefits.

From next week the forms will only be printed in English.
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Kate goes to the Queen and says

"Every time I suck William's knob I get acid indigestion".

The Queen replies "Have you tried Andrews?"
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Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and stopped breathing. I thought she was dead until I saw the red dot on her forehead and realised she was on standby!!
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Got stopped by a woman with a clipboard.

She asked sir, what grooming products you use?

"Should have seen her face when I said "haribo."
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Susan Boyle has dressed up as choir boy today,,, its the only way she will lose her virginity
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Paddy got arrested in B & Qtoday for punching an African woman at the till.

He claims it wasn't his fault as his father had told him to go in and get a Black and Decker