seems OH prefers....................

LegacyUser

Hi guys I would like both a male and female opinion on this please .
Recently my OH admitted he masterbates when he's in the shower , we don't make love much anymore , it seems he prefers to look after himself , says he is attracted to me , and if I make the first move all is fine if you know what I mean . ( I always seem to make the first move )

Last week I got really angry as we hadn't been physical in a long time say 3 or more weeks , and he admitted he had looked after himself , I told him this wasn't fair and he got really angry and told me to f...... saying "it's my body " , I don't know where to go from here, Are we over ?

Also guys , why do you think he is doing this ? Just to say I'm a fairly good looking girl and never had a problem with guys before

seamus

I wouldn't take it specifically as anything against you; it might be an habitual thing for him, or something he does when the mood takes him.

A man masturbating isn't bored or sex-starved, he's just a man. However the fact that you haven't had sex in a while and this doesn't seem to bother him should ring alarm bells. Is he on any drugs (legal or otherwise)?
If it's always been slow-going, sexwise, then he may just have a low sex drive, versus your higher sex drive. This is a mismatch which can rarely be resolved.

Ickle Magoo

You need to sit down and have an honest heart to heart. Masturbation within a relationship is completely normal - however it's also perfectly possible to indulge in both masturbation and have a healthy and frequent sex life. So, the real question is why your partner is only wishing to indulge in one.

There could be a multitude of reasons behind it and you have to ensure you aren't approaching this from a blaming perspective as it will just make your partner defensive. It might also be worth pointing out that self-satisfaction works both ways and as much as him masturbating is his body to do what he wants with, it's a shared relationship in which you too have expectations regarding physical intimacy and if he can't or won't at least meet you half-way, then you also have the right to do what you want - and that may include finding someone who shares your wish for regular intimacy with a partner.

Like anything in a relationship, I think if he won't compromise or won't discuss then yes, it is over. Having a partner that only looks out for their own needs and desires, whether sexual or no, is not a healthy relationship to be in.

All the best.

dub_3

Just to reiterate as a man, yes we masturbate, even when a relationship.

His activity in the shower could be either:-

A: a harmless activity, not relevant to your no sex problem
B: essential relief for him (due to your not having sex)
C: he's gotten so into the masturbation habit, he's not bothered with sex.

You say all is well when you make the move.
So are you saying you havn't made a move in 3 weeks?

Perhaps he prefers it when you make the move,
or that's just the habit you've gotten into,
or he thinks you're not into it when you're not making a move.

If it works when you make the first move, then just do it.
A 'he doesn't make the first move' problem is much less of an issue than 'we don't have sex anymore'

If you're making the move and he's regularly not responding, then it would be relevant to discuss his masturbation habits. To put it bluntly you need to have him fully loaded sometimes. If he can't / won't make the effort to fix this then a serious talk with him is needed.

An alternative strategy would be to ambush him in the shower, or jump on him first thing in the morning.

gerryk

I'm curious to know if he has always had a low sex-drive, or if this is a new development?
Also, are there any other possible exacerbating circumstances? Is he worries about something? Are you otherwise OK?

albeit

This would make me think what is he really thinking about while masturbating, if he is obviously not into having sex with you that much. I wouldn't trust him, there is something wrong...

LegacyUser

hey guys , thanks for the replies .
a few of you asked me some questions so instead of replying individually i'll try answer them all in this post !
Is this a new development ? no , we've been together 5 yrs now and the sex did slow down as with all relationships , but it seems to have eventually waned out now and as I said when I brought it up with him , weeks ago , I asked him was he mad for it as we hadn't done it in so long , he said he was, so I asked him does he masterbate and he said yes in the shower , fine , BUT he doesn't seem to show any interest in me sexually anymore .

A few weeks ago he was heading in to have a shower and I jokingly said ,"leave some for me tonight" and he laughed I will I promise , when he came out I asked him did he do it and he said yes , that's when I got angry as I knew there would be no sex .

What I don't get is I was there ,I had told him I would like us to be together later on but yet he went ahead himself , I'm lucky if it's once a month now , and that's with me making the first move , and a lot of times he would say he's too tired etc, lately he heads into bed really early , I always think this is so he doesn't have to be with me , It made me ask myself a lot of questions , thinking I was too ugly and stuff , but the amazing thing was , when I went out on a girlie night a lot of guys showed interest in me , this made me realise it's not that i'm not attractive , I told him some guys tried to hit on me just to see his reaction but he didn't even bat an eyelid !

I will try again to talk to him but when I ask him can we talk he rolls his eyes and says "not again ", but the only answers I do get from him are "yes i do love you ", and "yes I do wanna be with you " so I'm lost in this relationship at the mo .

sex is not crucial for me all the time , to me it lets me know that he loves me , I don't have a very high sex drive either , to me its just the intimacy of being with one another , we'll say even once a week id be happy with , thanks for all the advice guys and sorry for droning on but it's great to get some advice on this .

dub_3

Is there a reason he goes to bed early?
Does he work long hours?
Does he have to get up earlier than you?
How's his general fitness?
Drinking / Smoking too much?
He got problems?
Depressed?

Any of the above might provide some bit of explanation,
but from what you're saying it doesn't appear to be any of those.

If he does genuinely need to go to bed early, then you should go to bed early too if you want sex.

A few weeks ago he was heading in to have a shower and I jokingly said ,"leave some for me tonight" and he laughed I will I promise , when he came out I asked him did he do it and he said yes , that's when I got angry as I knew there would be no sex

That's a pretty big red flag

There comes a point, If he's not willing to try fixing the problem, you have to decide if he's the right guy for you.

If it's long term and you love him then maybe try counselling, otherwise simply put it to him his actions aren't compatible with being in a loving relationship.
Either he changes or he's out the door. (You're only torturing yourself otherwise)

albeit

Your other half seems either:

- addicted to masturbation, then he might need to see an addiction therapist.

and/or

- not interested in you anymore but afraid to break up.

Ickle Magoo

Two bits jumped out at me:

no satisfaction wrote: »

A few weeks ago he was heading in to have a shower and I jokingly said ,"leave some for me tonight" and he laughed I will I promise , when he came out I asked him did he do it and he said yes , that's when I got angry as I knew there would be no sex .

I think the lack of sex is the least of your issues; far more pressing is the lack of honesty/down-right lying, lack of respect, lack of thought, lack of caring...that said, having a **** in the am and sex at night shouldn't be an issue -again, why is he creating this issue?

no satisfaction wrote: »

I will try again to talk to him but when I ask him can we talk he rolls his eyes and says "not again ", but the only answers I do get from him are "yes i do love you ", and "yes I do wanna be with you " so I'm lost in this relationship at the mo .

For me, healthy relationships are based on three things; honesty, communication and compromise - your relationship appears to missing all three. I think it's time to get tough and if this is a deal breaker for you then you need to spell that out and make sure your partner knows fobbing you off with lies and rolly-eyes are going to earn him nothing but a single status.

All the best.