I hate my father.

LegacyUser

To begin with, I'm 17 and I'm a girl. I'm still in school and in no position to move anywhere for a very long time. I have no friends with whom I can talk about anything with.

My problem is that although I have tried to deny it for quite a long time I have come to the conclusion that my father is not a nice person. He is selfish, nasty, self obsessed and cutting. He goes out drinking about 3 times a week, spending about 50 euro each time and then gives out to the rest of my family whenever we spend any money. When he comes home, it varies between shouting the house down or saying horrible things to my mother.

Even when he doesn't drink, he gets home from work and talks to his friends on the phone, turns up the volume on the TV when anyone else tries to say anything. If anybody does anything he doesn't like, they get screamed out of it. Nothing you do is ever good enough. You get an A in school, its who got a better A.

I am ****ing angry. I have made excuses for him. My mum does nothing but make excuses for him. I have blamed myself. Other people blame me. Basically most things work out to be my fault. He has been like this my whole life and at this stage the next time he has another tantrum I am going to smash every damn thing in this house. Help me.

Flashgordon197

My advice to you would be to talk to your class master in school. Most schools have some access to counselling or will put you in contact with one. You would not have to pay. You are under 18 so they are under some obligation to do something. They will keep what you say confidential so long as you are not under threat of physical abuse or sexual abuse.

From what I read neither applies. If you don't find your class-master/year head approachable then just approach any teacher you are comfortable with. You dont have to tell the teacher the exact details-that can be kept for the counsellor.

Nevyn

You are unfortunatly not the only child to have grown up and still being living in a household where a parent abuses alchol and is for all purposes a bully.

You can get get and support, there are groups for those who are dealing with this and learning how muddle through and less the damage.

http://www.al-anon-ireland.org/alanon.htm

What is Alateen?

Alateen is part of the Al-Anon fellowship and is for young people, aged 12 - 17 inclusive, who are affected by a problem drinker. Alateen members share their ideas and experience in order to gain a better understanding of alcoholism; they learn to accept it as an illness and so lessen its impact on their lives. By removing their preoccupation with the drinker's behaviour they are able to focus on their own development and sense of identity.

Alateen groups are sponsored by two adult Al-Anon members. (Alateen sponsors are screened and registered with the Al-Anon Family Groups UK & Eire General Service Office.)

The following twenty questions are to help you decide whether Alateen is for you.

1. Do you have a parent, close friend or relative whose drinking upsets you?
2. Do you cover up your real feelings by pretending you don't care?
3. Does it seem like every holiday is spoiled because of drinking?
4. Do you tell lies to cover up for someone else's drinking or what's happening in your home?
5. Do you stay out of the house as much as possible because you hate it there?
6. Are you afraid to upset someone for fear it will set off a drinking bout?
7. Do you feel nobody really loves or cares what happens to you?
8. Are you afraid or embarrassed to bring your friends home?
9. Do you think the drinker's behaviour is caused by you, other members of your family, friends, or rotten breaks in life?
10. Do you make threats such as, "If you don't stop drinking, fighting, etc., I'll run away"?
11. Do you make promises about behaviour such as, "I'll get better school marks, go to church or keep my room clean" in exchange for a promise that the drinking and fighting stop?
12. Do you feel that if your Mum or Dad loved you, she or he would stop drinking?
13. Do you ever threaten or actually hurt yourself to scare your parents into saying, "I'm sorry," or "I love you"?
14. Do you believe no one could possibly understand how you feel?
15. Do you have money problems because of someone else's drinking?
16. Are meal times frequently delayed because of the drinker?
17. Have you considered calling the police because of drinking behaviour?
18. Have you refused dates out of fear or anxiety?
19. Do you think that if the drinker stopped drinking, your other problems would be solved?
20. Do you ever treat people (teachers, school mates, team mates, etc.) unjustly because you are angry at someone else for drinking too much?

miec

Hi Op

It is a good thing that you are admitting to yourself that your father is a bully and a prick. That is a good start because you won't try deluding yourself that he is something he is not. Hold onto that (not hate or bitterness but a clear eyed view of the man he is). I would ask if you could stop blaming yourself, like you my father is a cruel twisted prick but I deluded myself until a year ago (I was 38) I wasted numerous years trying to win him over, be a 'better' person, there was nothing wrong with me in the first place. I do not know if it is practical for you to move out just yet, but I would suggest getting counseling in how to deal with him but always, always remind yourself that the fault/ issue lies with him not you. He should have more cop on, more maturity, etc but he doesn't sadly for you. It is one of the cruel factors of life. Try to get a sense of balance in that this is about him not you. As for your mum making excuses for him she is sadly trying to keep everyone happy but in essence keeping no one happy. She should have the balls / ovaries to sort him out but she doesn't, again there is nothing you can do about that except for not listen to her excuses.

eddison

Hi OP,

All the above are very good suggestions, and it would be good to follow them up, even if you think they won't help. Thing is, in looking those solutions up, you will probably find the right path anyway. So doing something is good, writing here for help is also very good- keep writing!

This problem is one of control. Your Father obviously likes to control others, but why? you need to find this out.
My guess is that he is very insecure, he has no self respect, and actually does not like himself very much either. I'd guess that he thinks if he were a nice good person, no one would really like him. This is probably true. So he is using a cloak of 'treat em mean, keep em keen' kind of mentality to hide deep insecurity.
Actually I would say he needs his family far far more than he needs his friends, and acting the way he does is the only way he knows, to keep his family. Listen, all this could be wrong, you have to look at this, and make your own mind up. Its easy to say 'move out' but I assume this is not practical for you at the moment. But you have got to stop him controlling you. How does he do that? by making you angry of course! The more a person makes you angry, the more they control you, keeping you down, and frustrated. Your Father is not very strong if he cannot love so much you become a confident independent person- or you just might leave..

If he is horrible, let him be horrible, but don't let him affect you. I know this sounds difficult, but its not impossible. And if you keep practising, you will get better and better at not letting him make you angry. Now concentrate on yourself. You are a special person, a good person, a kind person. Build up your confidence- every day, day in day out. Let your Father go, and keep your focus on yourself, and all the good qualities you have. Can you name any?