Boyfriend's family overstep the mark

LegacyUser

I'll explain this briefly but my boyfriends family reguarly turn up in the city we live in expecting us to just be there waiting for them they dont even tell us there coming until we get a phonecall that they are there,it's driving us mad.To make things worse if we are not at home when they arrive they get mad at us, i mean its not our fault how are we meant to know their coming. It's becoming a joke now, they live a good bit away from us its a good journey for them. Has anyone any advice we just want to be left alone?

sollar

Your boyfriend needs to talk to them and tell tham to give you notice if they are thinking on calling up.

astra2000

Hi sounds annoying especially if they do it on a regular basis.
Is it the same one or two members who do this or do you get lots of different members of his family showing up at different times?
The next time they just show up tell them you have plans that cant be changed and go out for the evening, let them fend for themselves. Better still if you are not home when they show up, when they call you tell them you are out of town and let them find alternative accomodation for the night or return home. Spend the night in a hotel or with friends if you have to. Keep an over night bag in your car just in case!
Now dont get me wrong, I do believe your bfs families should be made welcome, but they need to learn boundaries, its a bit irrational to be mad that ye arent home when they call if they havent let ye know they are coming. Has your bf tried to speak with them about showing up with out checking ye are home?

LegacyUser

astra2000 wrote: »

Hi sounds annoying especially if they do it on a regular basis.
Is it the same one or two members who do this or do you get lots of different members of his family showing up at different times?
The next time they just show up tell them you have plans that cant be changed and go out for the evening, let them fend for themselves. Better still if you are not home when they show up, when they call you tell them you are out of town and let them find alternative accomodation for the night or return home. Spend the night in a hotel or with friends if you have to. Keep an over night bag in your car just in case!
Now dont get me wrong, I do believe your bfs families should be made welcome, but they need to learn boundaries, its a bit irrational to be mad that ye arent home when they call if they havent let ye know they are coming. Has your bf tried to speak with them about showing up with out checking ye are home?

Thanks everyone for your replies,its atleast five members of his family that do this and i don't know why. We have been living on our own for over two years we have never asked them for help,i feel like they are checking up on us.

My boyfriend has spoken to them about it before on a few occasions but it all starts again.

astra2000

5 members, that is ridiculous. Your bf has spoken to them they have ignored how ye feel so it is time to put your foot down. Next time they call unannounced be unavailable, tell them if they had rang ye would have decided a day that was mutually suitable but ye have made plans that cannot be changed, continue doing this until they get the message. Be polite but firm, if they choose to argue about it dont get drawn in. If they come for a prearranged visit be welcoming. Also if they try and "solve" the problem of ye not been around by asking for a spare key say no.
Possibly they are checking up on ye, is your bf the youngest in his family?

LegacyUser

astra2000 wrote: »

5 members, that is ridiculous. Your bf has spoken to them they have ignored how ye feel so it is time to put your foot down. Next time they call unannounced be unavailable, tell them if they had rang ye would have decided a day that was mutually suitable but ye have made plans that cannot be changed, continue doing this until they get the message. Be polite but firm, if they choose to argue about it dont get drawn in. If they come for a prearranged visit be welcoming. Also if they try and "solve" the problem of ye not been around by asking for a spare key say no.
Possibly they are checking up on ye, is your bf the youngest in his family?

Yes he is but he's 24. I really am sick of it now my family never do that ever.

Taltos

OP - went through something similar with my in-laws.

Here is what we did.
1. My wife spoke to them. Made it crystal clear that there were to be NO surprise visits. Only visits where she had been called first and had time to "check" with me that we were around - invariable we were NOT around
2. Stopped answering our home phone - take calls on mobiles instead. Why? When you get the call oh we are five minutes away - response = sorry just popping into a movie see you next time, Oh if only you had called first.
3. Have similar events ready for when they call to the door. Last time they tried this - I think either she said we were popping out / refused to answer / answered the door in a bathrobe with the immortal line "jeez we were just getting to the good bit..."

Your OH here has to spell it out for them. There is no point you getting annoyed at them until he does so - and even then - let him have it... Make it worth his while (sanity) not to keep ruining your weekends...

whatdoicare

Had this problem with my husbands immediate family - his mam would just turn up out of the blue and expect to be fed and entertained, regardless if we had plans. She often came with her somewhat wild grandchildren too :eek:

Came to a head once when I got caught in heavy rain and was soaked through, got home and she was sitting in her car outside with two of her daughters and three grandchildren in tow waiting for me - no phonecall, no warning, no nothing. Husband was at work and not due back for another 3 hours!

I was just so angry, I just said "Look, I'm soaked, I've no food in the house as were going to dinner tonight, I have to finish my work for tomorrow and I have to take a shower and get ready - you're welcome to come in if you like but you'll be entertaining yourself as I just don't have time and your son won't be home until 8pm. You should ring next time, it's only common courtesy."

They actually came in and sat down - hoping to embarrass me into doing what they wanted, I went about my business and avoided the sitting room - the husband was fair angry when he came home to see them there too as all he wanted was to relax with a beer for an hour before we went out.

They still didn't take the hint as next day we were in town having a coffee and the husband had just ordered himself his fave breakfast - we had only just sat down when his mam called to say she was outside and where was he??
He just said "Were busy, won't be home, ring next time to avoid missing us - toodles!" then hung up.
A few times of this happening and they eventually copped on.

whatdoicare

whatdoicare wrote: »

Had this problem with my husbands immediate family - his mam would just turn up out of the blue and expect to be fed and entertained, regardless if we had plans. She often came with her somewhat wild grandchildren too :eek:

Came to a head once when I got caught in heavy rain and was soaked through, got home and she was sitting in her car outside with two of her daughters and three grandchildren in tow waiting for me - no phonecall, no warning, no nothing. Husband was at work and not due back for another 3 hours!

I was just so angry, I just said "Look, I'm soaked, I've no food in the house as were going to dinner tonight, I have to finish my work for tomorrow and I have to take a shower and get ready - you're welcome to come in if you like but you'll be entertaining yourself as I just don't have time and your son won't be home until 8pm. You should ring next time, it's only common courtesy."

They actually came in and sat down - hoping to embarrass me into doing what they wanted, I went about my business and avoided the sitting room - the husband was fair angry when he came home to see them there too as all he wanted was to relax with a beer for an hour before we went out.

They still didn't take the hint as next day we were in town having a coffee and the husband had just ordered himself his fave breakfast - we had only just sat down when his mam called to say she was outside and where was he??
He just said "Were busy, won't be home, ring next time to avoid missing us - toodles!" then hung up.
A few times of this happening and they eventually copped on.

They sat there on their own for over 3 hours? :eek::eek:

Reesy

I'd agree with the previous posters, they need to get the message. I'd just reiterate that you ensure the boyfriend handles the conflict with his folks, not you. Otherwise you risk them blaming you, to him.

Good luck.

whatdoicare

bluewolf wrote: »

They sat there on their own for over 3 hours? :eek::eek:

Yup, they also helped themselves to what was in my cupboards - jam, tea, pancakes I had bought for brekkie the next day (hence us having to go into town for food next day) and a cake I had baked for my brothers birthday the next night (so I had to fork out for a store bought one)

Those delightful grandchildren also stuck jam and chocolate all over my tv, remote control and couch and I found a hunk of the cake under the couch a week later.
The granny (or whatever daughter made tea) also split sugar and milk all over the kitchen counter and just left it there.

My own fault, leaving them by themselves but I honestly didn't think they'd stay and I really didn't have time to be entertaining them!!:eek:

JajaD

sick of it 11 wrote: »

I'll explain this briefly but my boyfriends family reguarly turn up in the city we live in expecting us to just be there waiting for them they dont even tell us there coming until we get a phonecall that they are there,it's driving us mad.To make things worse if we are not at home when they arrive they get mad at us, i mean its not our fault how are we meant to know their coming. It's becoming a joke now, they live a good bit away from us its a good journey for them. Has anyone any advice we just want to be left alone?

im from quite a rural area and it is the done thing to drop over to a family member unannounced. Aunts, cousins, brothers etc.. They might have the same ethic and just see it as a friendly visit. But, everyone is different, and because they are not telling you's before hand you should make sure that your not there a good few times, so after a while they will be afraid to chance calling over because the last few times you's didnt answer/were out. Also, maybe because he is only 24, they might be over protective of him which the same 'no answer/we're out' response should be applied

Good luck

Malari

whatdoicare wrote: »

Yup, they also helped themselves to what was in my cupboards - jam, tea, pancakes I had bought for brekkie the next day (hence us having to go into town for food next day) and a cake I had baked for my brothers birthday the next night (so I had to fork out for a store bought one)

Those delightful grandchildren also stuck jam and chocolate all over my tv, remote control and couch and I found a hunk of the cake under the couch a week later.
The granny (or whatever daughter made tea) also split sugar and milk all over the kitchen counter and just left it there.

My own fault, leaving them by themselves but I honestly didn't think they'd stay and I really didn't have time to be entertaining them!!:eek:

That is appalling!

I thought this was a kind of old-fashioned attitude. I remember my dad telling me that my parents once went on holiday before they got married and later discovered that my aunt and her husband had stayed in their flat while they were away. Uninvited! Another sibling gave them the key, which he had for emergencies. It was a sort of "sure, they're away and they won't mind, and they wouldn't want us to stay in a HOTEL in the big schmoke!!"

I know it's the OP's boyfriend's family, but it's her home too, and I don't think she should feel like it's totally up to him to put them right. She has a say who does or doesn't get to arrive on her doorstep unannounced.

username123

Be very clear with them - no surprise visits.

Dont answer the door if you are not expecting someone and dont answer the phone if one of them rings while at the door. Just totally ignore the doorbell and phone and later or the next day say you were busy and they should have called first. If you get accidently caught outside the house just tell them youre on your way elsewhere, or doing something and dont let them in, or let them in and leave them in the sitting room on their own until they sod off.

WindSock

Jesus, I am shocked there are people like this :eek: especially the family sitting in the car for 3 hours. What on earth do they want or expect? I'd love to leave a series of 'embarrassing' items around if anyone did this to me.

'Mammy, I'm stuck in these furry handcuffs. And what are these for?

'Ooooopssss. How did they get there?' :pac: