married/friendship boundries

LegacyUser

Married man who dearly loves his wife and would never think about cheating, works with a married woman, who would also never cheat. Really good friends and tell each other a lot of personal stuff like marriage issues "inlaws annoying you,slight relationship problems and some sexual issues"
Thing is how far is too far when mentioning stuff like these. I have been slightly uncomfortable when she mentions very private stuff but I really want to show her that I am there as a friend and confidante to her.
I also get the feeling that she feels the same.
Anyone ever been in this situation before and managed to keep the friendship

astra2000

Des your wife know how much you confide in this lady or she in you? I would be really annoyed if my husband was confiding marriage problems, and sexual issues to anyone else let alone a female friend, and equally as annoyed if she was confiding in him! I would caution you to consider your wifes feelings in all of this and wheather or not she would be upset if she was aware of the content of some of the confidences ye share. Your friends feelings should come second to your wifes.

LegacyUser

hi op again,
you have answered my question with a response that is probably what my wife would say, this is not negative and I will take it under consideration.
But to be honest I talk to my best mates about our problems too. I reckon that should these scenarios arise again I am just going to tell her I am not comfortable talking about it and maybe she should ask her closer friends.

Zen65

global8 wrote: »

Anyone ever been in this situation before and managed to keep the friendship

I have many female friends through work and other activities. Some of them I would consider as close friends. I certainly share stories of my home life, but never anything of an "intimate" nature. That works both ways. In that regard, I do not distinguish between male and female friends, though I would concede that female friends are more likely to want to discuss their personal issues.

On the rare occasion when a female friend would discuss something of a slightly "intimate" nature I listen but do not respond by disclosing any "intimate" issues of my own. It never causes any grief among my friends that I retain such matters for the intimate relationship to which those matters rightly belong.


Be at peace,

Z

Wurly

astra2000 wrote: »

Your friends feelings should come second to your wifes.

+1. This is an absolute must in any relationship.

ElleEm

astra2000 wrote: »

I would be really annoyed if my husband was confiding marriage problems, and sexual issues to anyone else let alone a female friend.

Do you never speak to your friends about your husband when he's wrecking your head?
I don't disclose anything about bedroom stuff to my friends but often ask advice or use them for ranting if my boyfriend is driving me nuts. I don't distinguish between my male and female friends.
I know that my boyfriend speaks to his best friend if we are disagreeing on something. People need to vent sometimes. I also think that if my boyfriend spoke with his female friends after we've had a row, they may be able to gove their perspective on things... which may work in my favour

OP, you should be open with your friend and even make a little joke if she's going too far with her disclosures, for example "too much information" . It'll make you more comfortable with her and will put you both on an even keel. If she values your friendship as you seem to value hers, she'll be happy you've been honest about your comfort levels.

astra2000

ElleEm wrote: »

Do you never speak to your friends about your husband when he's wrecking your head?
I don't disclose anything about bedroom stuff to my friends but often ask advice or use them for ranting if my boyfriend is driving me nuts. I don't distinguish between my male and female friends.
I know that my boyfriend speaks to his best friend if we are disagreeing on something. People need to vent sometimes. I also think that if my boyfriend spoke with his female friends after we've had a row, they may be able to gove their perspective on things... which may work in my favour

OP, you should be open with your friend and even make a little joke if she's going too far with her disclosures, for example "too much information" . It'll make you more comfortable with her and will put you both on an even keel. If she values your friendship as you seem to value hers, she'll be happy you've been honest about your comfort levels.

No I dont tbh, if he was wrecking my head in a non serious way I may make an off hand comment if I was speaking to my friends at that time. But I wouldnt say anything to anyone else that may lead them to think less of him or that he would not like me to say. However I presume that if we were to go through severe marriage difficulties and could see no way of sorting them I would turn to my sisters and best friends for advice.
Op it sounds as though You are uncomfortable with things that are been confided in you by this particular friend and it seems the reason for that is she is female and you consider it to be inappropriate, cant say I blame you. I think ellem has given good advice as how to deflect those disclosures.

LegacyUser

The very fact that you're posting on her querying this, confirms the fact that somewhere deep down you know there's something "off" (or "on", depending on your interpretation) about these conversations. Listen to that gut instinct, it's there for a reason& will save you a lot of trouble down the road.
A marriage is about an emotional& a physical connection, ok you're not physically "cheating", but emotionally you're treading the waters.
You don't need to prove to this girl what a great friend/confidante you are, she will have female friends/relatives she can confide in. Or a councellor. IE: people where the boundaries will not be blurred, and it'll be blatantly clear that it is advice& not innuendo that is being offered.
You know what the right thing to do here is. Don't let a massaged ego get in the way of that.