OH clubbing

LegacyUser

I'm 27, my long term partner has just turned 30. I had a very tough childhood with sexual abuse and have a lot of problems trusting people. My OH understands me better than anyone and has stood by me when no one else could. I've had years of counselling but still have problems.

We have a wonderful relationship apart from one regular issue. Every week he joins his bunch of single 30 year old friends and they all go nightclubbing.

I have no problems with him going to pubs with his friends anytime but I have an issue with nightclubs, particularly this particular club that is a single man's heaven. I've seen it first hand and found it quite disturbing.

I grew out of nightclubs years ago and have no interest or understanding of why they go.

My OH is from a different part of the country and returns home every weekend. I go with him from time to time and he almost never goes to this nightclub when I am there as he knows I hate it though I'm willing to go for his sake.

I understand all of his single friends going there but it bothers me to think that he is there while I sit on my own stressing about it. I try to keep busy but my mind wanders. His two ex girlfriends attend the same club also every week and one is still in love with him (she told him so, he and I have no secrets), I know he'd never do anything about this but I find it stressful to think she's chatting up the love of my life.

It costs my OH and his friends a fortune in taxis to travel to this club and they never make it back home until 5 or 6 am, I find myself worrying about him going home every week.

I thought he would grow out of this routine about 5 years ago but no such luck. I trust him completely in day to day life, but I just can't seem to have full trust knowing every Saturday night he goes to this same sleazy club with his single friends surrounded by slutty women drunk out of his mind. I guess I'm just boring and old fashioned, but it upsets me. I've talked to him about this loads and he always says "oh we're not going clubbing this weekend", then he'll text at 4 or 5 am to say he's trying to get a taxi home from club, and say "well all the lads were going so I did too". One of the other guys is also in a relationship but it's long distance and my OH openly admits his friend is on the prowl for someone more local.

Great.

I know I need to learn to live with this, but I want to know if there are any other girls out there who would find it hard to deal with this. Is this a normal issue for girls or is it my peresonal insecurities which are the issue here? Do I have any right to find this annoying/hard or am I overreacting?

I know he's always been very well mannered when I've been in the club with him on a few rare occasions. And he always stays in touch with me, makes contact to let me know he got home okay, etc. But it still stresses me out that he goes in the first place, as illogical as it may be. I see nightclubs as somewhere single men go for one night stands. I know in my heart he would never cheat or hurt me, he tells me this all the time but still, it gets to me.

I love him so much and fear that he will tell me one week that he kissed someone else at the club, that will destroy our relationship.

Is it normal for men of that age who are in a relationship to regularly attend nightclubs?



And I know everyone is going to eat me for apparently not having trust in him but I'd prefer if we can focus on the nightclubs issue rather than my insecurity. Thanks.

Distorted

He goes home every weekend??? I can see why you would find this annoying! So if you don't go with him, your'e left alone every weekend? And a sleazy nightclub til 5 or 6am, costing a fortune in taxis to get to - what a boring way to spend his life! He sounds a bit of a sheep, who is scared to break away from his friends and make his own way in life. Honestly, I couldn't put up with this in a boyfriend. I don't actually know anyone who behaves like this!

dixiefly

I would have to agree with Distorted......spending most weekends away from you is not in keeping with what long term partners would normally do.

I think you do need some level of contact at weekends...at least every second weekend. I know he has stuck by you in the past but that is no excuse for abandoning you every weekend even if he has good reasons to do so.

Cheap Thrills!

I just wouldn't have that.

He's either in a relationship or he isn't.

You are being way too soft, you don't have to break his balls about it but sit him down and tell him it's not appropriate and it makes you uncomfortable.

In a relationship you need to compromise yes, but this is a step too far.

He's putting himself in temptations way and leaving you alone every weekend.

My arse would I entertain that rubbish.

booboo88

I dont see why you have a problem if you "know in your heart" he wont cheat. He could be trying to keep his youth, wats so bad about his ex being there if hes open with u?
is it not ur choice to not go with him?

LegacyUser

I'm a 22 year old male and have outgrown nightclubs. Sounds like your bf and his friends are all having a midlife crisis. They're definitely long past nightclub age. I can imagine I will go occasionally over the next few years if it's a sibling's birthday or such but that's the only good reason to do so. I have no idea why a man in a relationship would go there. Seems like he's throwing himself into the arms of temptation unnecessarily. Very odd.

LegacyUser

I'm wtfing pretty hard at the first 3 replies above.

I'm sorry, but he is perfectly entitled to go clubbing if he so wishes. He's not cheating or doing anything wrong. He's having some craic with his mates. Lots of people find nightclubs fun without it having anything to do with scoring.

Now if you have an issue with him abandoning you on the weekend too often, then you need to talk to him and compromise, but that's a separate issue to you being jealous of him going to a club and being paranoid that he's going to score someone else. The fact you fear that he will do this shows some mistrust of him on your part.

tinkerbell

I don't think it's a problem that he's going out with the lads every now and again but EVERY SINGLE Saturday night? That's a bit much in my opinion to be going clubbing to a cattle mart .... he's in a long term relationship, and that's not the thing you do every Saturday night in a long term relationship.

LegacyUser

You know everyone here makes valid points and reading back what I wrote, it hits me that this just isn't the relationship for me. I shouldn't have to put up with him going home every weekend while I'm left alone. Normal couples go for Sunday drives rather than me waiting on him to wake up from his hangover and call me to let me know what he's up to with the lads for his Sunday afternoon.

We've discussed it before endlessly and he's not willing to give up his routine, the compromise is I can join him if I want. Never that he can join me instead of going home.

I'm past the point of trying to deal with this further. I think it's time I end this relationship and find someone who's willing to free up some of their weekends for me.

Thanks for your replies. Time to have a very frank chat with him tonight and start onto my future.

LegacyUser

Annabella666 wrote: »

My OH is from a different part of the country and returns home every weekend.

Frankly, I find it strange that he doesn't have friends where the two of you live. He runs home to his friends every weekend, friends who like to go to 'cattle marts'. He sounds very immature for a thirty year old man. Such immaturity wouldn't sit well with me in the first place, regardless of whether he's cheating or not.

tenchi-fan

Now the girls had their say, it's my turn...

ONE NIGHT A WEEK!

He meets his mates one night a week, goes for pints, and at 2 in the morning the pub is closing, the night is going well, and it seems like a good idea to go clubbing. A few more drinks, some music and some craic.

You assumed he would grow out of it, this was your mistaken assumption. It seems to be a tradition for him and possibly the only time he sees his friends all week. If the night costs his €80-100, yea it's a lot of money but so what, it's his money.

As you said, he knows you don't like the club and doesn't drag you to it when you go out with him.

I think it is a very selfish to try to take his night out with his mates away from him. Why not have a few of your female friends around to watch sex and the city, drink red wine and eat maltesers (or whatever girls do) rather than sit at home in your pajamas staring at the clock and feeling insecure?

tenchi-fan

Cheap Thrills! wrote: »

You are being way too soft, you don't have to break his balls about it but sit him down and tell him it's not appropriate and it makes you uncomfortable.

In a relationship you need to compromise yes, but this is a step too far.

He's putting himself in temptations way and leaving you alone every weekend.

My arse would I entertain that rubbish.

There are 7 nights in a week. This is just one of them. If he went out 2-3 times a week I could understand what you're saying about compromise.

Distorted

usernaaaaaame wrote: »

I'm wtfing pretty hard at the first 3 replies above.

I'm sorry, but he is perfectly entitled to go clubbing if he so wishes. He's not cheating or doing anything wrong. He's having some craic with his mates. Lots of people find nightclubs fun without it having anything to do with scoring.

Now if you have an issue with him abandoning you on the weekend too often, then you need to talk to him and compromise, but that's a separate issue to you being jealous of him going to a club and being paranoid that he's going to score someone else. The fact you fear that he will do this shows some mistrust of him on your part.

Oh, agreed that he is indeed entitled to go out clubbing as much as he wants. Whether or not he can keep a nice girl as his long term girlfriend while doing so is the question.

tenchi-fan

Distorted wrote: »

Oh, agreed that he is indeed entitled to go out clubbing as much as he wants. Whether or not he can keep a nice girl as his long term girlfriend while doing so is the question.

A nice girl who keeps him away from his friends ? Nothing nice about that imo.

LegacyUser

Let me clear some facts up here. I never, ever ever keep him away from his friends, ever. He sees his friends Friday night, they all go drinking together without nightclubbing and I'm fine with that, he spends all day Saturday with them, they play sport, go to the pub then clubbing, they spend all day Sunday together, every single weekend. He sees his friends more than any other man I know. The compromise for me to see him is that I go hang out with his friends too, something I'm not interested in doing every single weekend.

I have no problem with him being with his friends and never have kicked up a fuss about this, the only issue I've always had is the nightclubbing. I have no issue with him staying out with his friends all weekend, etc, it's the nightclubbing and the refusal to compromise on this fact that has been my problem all along.

We are currently paying for a mortgage and I just find it a bit annoying that he's spending so much money on this same routine every week (often up to 200 euro on a saturday night where they buy huge rounds for up to 20 lads and very expensive taxis), then he and his friends discuss how rubbish it was afterwards.

technifan, I find your opinion of women highly insulting.

I think he is very lucky that I've never kicked up a fuss about him spending so much time with his friends. Just occasionally I would like to be taken out to dinner or have him spend some time with my friends and I on a weekend but obviously in a male opinion, this is too much to expect. It's all about bros before hoes and all of that stuff I guess. I can live without those perks, I am not happy about the nightclubs.

Anyway, I know there's no compromise and I will be discussing where I'm at with him this evening.

But to say I keep him away from his friends is utter bull****.

dub_3

Of course her boyfriend shouldn't abandon his friends just because he's in a relationship.

But there has to be a fair balance, he abandons her every weekend to meet his mates in a different part of the country.

Thats crap and she shouldn't have to put up with it.

Clearly he prefers to spend a fortune getting drunk with his mates, rather than spend quality time with his girlfriend (and probably save money).

The fact that he frequents a meat market is the icing on the cake, yes he's probably not going there to score. All his mates are going there and it's probably the only place to get a late drink.

But if he prefers late drinking with his buddies to time with his girlfriend, then I suggest she needs a new boyfriend.

LegacyUser

tenchi-fan wrote: »

There are 7 nights in a week. This is just one of them. If he went out 2-3 times a week I could understand what you're saying about compromise.

There are four weekends in a month. He goes home every weekend. She goes with him "from time to time".

tenchi-fan

Op, sorry if you find my opinion insulting. But I went purely by your original post which neglected to mention you have a mortgage and that he spent Fridays and sundays with his friends too.

if that's the case, you should compromise after all.. one night with you, one night with his mates.

Zen65

Annabella666 wrote: »

We have a wonderful relationship apart from one regular issue. Every week he joins his bunch of single 30 year old friends and they all go nightclubbing.

I have no problems with him going to pubs with his friends anytime but I have an issue with nightclubs, particularly this particular club that is a single man's heaven. I've seen it first hand and found it quite disturbing.

I know you want to focus on the nightclubs rather than your insecurities, but the two issues are connected and separating them does you no good at all.

I would say that any man who goes home to his mates every weekend (leaving his LTR girlfriend behind) has a bit of growing up to do. He needs to invest time in your locality to build a life there for himself if he has any plans to stay long-term, so he should be using his weekends to help you both integrate into your locality. I suspect however that if he were to agree to go home only one weekend a month it would not resolve the issue you have with him going to these clubs. What confuses me is that you have not mentioned his family. Is his trip home to see any of them too? That would be somewhat more reasonable, though again every weekend is quite an extreme habit.

You mention a sport, but surely there are not games to be played every weekend? I can understand him not wanting to let the team down, but it does not sound like his mates are playing major league sports, and he should be able to balance the sport with his life.... and especially with you.

As for the nightclubs, well the fact that his mates remain single is an indication that they are not scoring at these dances. Indeed at 30 years of age they may well stand out as being a bit old for many of the women there anyway. Perhaps they simply like going there to "ogle" the talent, but doing so at his age seems unbecoming.

It sounds as though he has issues with his mates; is he perhaps afraid of their disapproval should he opt not to accompany them? Again, a man of 30 years should be able to steel himself for such banter and do what he knows he should be doing.

In summary, you are painting a picture of an immature 30-year old man. And yet this is the man who has stood by you, and who seems to understand you and support you better than anyone else. So he has the character within to be the sort of man that you need him to be.

A compromise then, but perhaps not one you will find easy to live with. If he reduces the number of trips home by (say) 50%, and goes nightclubbing no more than once a month, both to conserve monies and show you that he is capable of spending his time with you, would this be enough for you? In time he may wake up and realise that his attempts to re-live his youth at these venues is futile and fairly pathetic, and wouldn't it be sad if he lost you before that dawned on him?

Be at peace,

Z

Cheap Thrills!

tenchi-fan wrote: »

There are 7 nights in a week. This is just one of them. If he went out 2-3 times a week I could understand what you're saying about compromise.

It's SATURDAY night, every week. (Subseqently it turns out to be most of the weekend actually)

When you're in a LTR, Saturday and Friday nights are the nights couples can kick back together and have a laugh whether with friends or alone.

The rest of the week people are up early for work.

So the pattern here is she maybe sees him during the week on boring schoolnights when they can't drink etc and come the weekend he's off leaving her on her own.

Your propsal that she comforts herself with the stereotypical cliche of chocolate and girly retard tv is really insulting.

What woman wants to spend her life being a martyr to her boyfriend. She'd be an utter doormat if she enjoyed or tolerated a life like that. What's in it for her?

Your view of women is quite one dimensional. I hate SATC and most women with a brain do too. OP, if he won't compromise dump him and get someone much more fun.

A grown up relationship is about companionship and enjoyment not this childish crap.

Fluorescence

I think you're being a bit too hard on him by considering this a dumpable offence OP. If that's really the only issue between ye, then it's worth sticking around and seeking different compromises. The earlier suggestion of cutting down on visits home (say 1 or 2 a month) would be a great start.

LegacyUser

I agree that it's not a dumpable offence, he's doing this every weekend because you're letting him away with it. If you have children would he still do the same thing? I doubt it, but I question how much he values you. Think back to the start of the relationship, did he travel home every weekend back then or was he your constant companion? If this is a more recent scenario then it could be a sign that the fun has gone out of your relationship and a weekend clubbing with the lads is more appealing that a cozy weekend sitting in with you.

He needs to grow up a little and realise that if he doesn't invest time in you then his time in the relationship is running out. I don't think you're possessive to ask him not to travel as much at weekends. If he decides to go home once a month but go clubbing when he does then that would be fine, but every weekend.....it's a bit too much and appears as if he's taking you for granted! Living together as a couple it doesn't look like healthy relationship behaviour to be off like that. However, I agree with many of the posters, you can't ban him from clubbing, but he could be more reasonable in the amount of weekends he goes away!

LegacyUser

Mods please close this thread thanks.

Ickle Magoo

Closed at the OP's request.