Wife's past abuse

LegacyUser

eddison wrote: »

Hit the jackpot? Sometimes, when you help a victim of sexual abuse, you hit a nerve- you did nothing wrong, but you get the rath of this person full on. They will strike you because they are hurt, and when they hear the truth, it is painful. They may then hurt you back.

Would be interested in you elaborating on this.

My wife was a victim of abuse years ago. We recently split up after 4 years for IMO no big reason. We had a few issues, none of which were deal breakers in my mind.

I've hardly even looked at another girl since I met her, and am completely trustworthy and loyal. I never went "out with the lads" on a night out since I met her, spent all my time with her, but she always accused me of not fancying her, wanting to get back with an ex, keeping secrets from her etc, none of which could be further from the truth. I wasn't doing anything that would make her think like that either.

She has huge trust issues, which obviuosly stem from her childhood. She only talks about the abuse when she is drunk, and even then, maybe only once a year - although she's been drunk more often than that, for sure ...

#justwonder??

Ickle Magoo

OP, I've given you your own thread and given eddison a heads up that it's here - so that the other thread is left for advice pertinent only to the person who started it.

All the best

LegacyUser

Cheers Ickle

booboo88

Abuse is something you can hide for years, but it always plays on your mind. You question everything and everyone. Its very hard to trust anyone.

Drink is a demon, as is abuse. Mix the two together you're asking for trouble.
From a person who knows, I feel physically sick any time I see this person.
But yet I have to pretend everything is normal.

You feel you are at fault, that you asked for it.

LegacyUser

booboo88 wrote: »

Abuse is something you can hide for years, but it always plays on your mind. You question everything and everyone. Its very hard to trust anyone.

Drink is a demon, as is abuse. Mix the two together you're asking for trouble.
From a person who knows, I feel physically sick any time I see this person.
But yet I have to pretend everything is normal.

You feel you are at fault, that you asked for it.

Sorry you went through this too.

My wife doesn't see this person, but someone else has taken him to court...my wife also had opportunity (via detectives who she contacted) to get involved but then didin't want to (I fully supported her in this (getting involved/or not if she wanted to) BTW).

Anyway, the point of the OP was that this is a huge factor in our break-up, irrespective of whether we overtly linked it or not at the time.

eddison

Hi OP,

Yes booboo88 knows how deep the hurt really goes.
Listen you know you have done nothing wrong, and actually, your wife has done nothing wrong.--- its the abuse.

For her to talk about this is painful, and alcohol helps to dull the pain. Think of it this way. Your wife has a knife stuck in her side. If she does not move too much, and stays where she is, it will not hurt her.
In other words, if she does not try to get it out. So thats why she does not want to talk about it- best (in her view) to just leave it where it is. But having a knife stuck in ones side makes you do strange things, like snap at people, and drink, and be alone so as not to move too much.

What needs to be done is the knife taken from her heart. But I would say, it has to be by a surgeon. What I really mean here is someone qualified. In other words, someone who has been there, and who understands what it is like. This kind of person will not judge her in any way, as they have the same thing, and therefore cannot judge. Also, a person who has suffered will fully understand what and how painful the knife is. Many hurt ones, refuse to seek professional help, as the professional has no experience of real pain, and real hurt. Like the feeling they might fall down a balck hole at any minute. Your wife probably craves stability? You are a rock it seems like to me. You are there for her, with you, she knows when she is alone at night by herself, she has you, when the devils close in. Rarely do professionals have this experience. I am not suggesting she does not seek professional help, merely how she may view this type of help.


This is why you may be waiting a while before she would tell you. although she has told you some already. She may feel you have experience in other areas.
Look, probably why she is with you, is exactly for that reason- you are undamaged, and 'clean' and pure. This is good as she needs this, but bad, as if you have not experienced abuse, she is at a loss to explain.

I am not sure about the current status of the relationship. Although she is a full grown Woman, the abuse tends to keep a part of one soul at the age it happened. In other words, don't be surprised if sometimes she is a little girl. This she needs. She needs you to be strong and kind, not for advice, or sharing.
somehow, she needs to talk about this to someone, on her level- even anonymous. Could she do voluntary work? this way she is bound to meet 'of like mind' and even if she does not talk, she will know she is with people who know where she is coming from. I have more to write, but your probably sick of reading all this, so I'll leave it with you.

elvisaintdead

eddison wrote: »

Hi OP,

Could she do voluntary work? this way she is bound to meet 'of like mind' and even if she does not talk, she will know she is with people who know where she is coming from. I have more to write, but your probably sick of reading all this, so I'll leave it with you.

Thanks for your replies, not sick of reading at all - appreciate it, (just registered so I can respond maybe a bit quicker I'm the OP).

She works with drug users already in a professional capacity but she aint going to open up with them?

eddison

Is she not? Why do drug users, use drugs? because of pain, to kill pain. May have been sexually abused. So why is your wife working there of all places?

They may be drug users, but they have suffered too. We are all equal, and would probably understand better than you or I ??

She needs to know she is special, treat her like a princess, but at the same time, let her go. Can you understand this? Build her up so much that she is confident enough to leave you. Now see if you can do that, as that is real love.
I keep editing the last post! God keeps suggesting more things, not because I am special, only because I listen. so thanks to Him.

elvisaintdead

eddison wrote: »

She needs to know she is special, treat her like a princess, but at the same time, let her go. Can you understand this? Build her up so much that she is confident enough to leave you. Now see if you can do that, as that is real love.

I appreciate your response.

What do you mean build her up to leave me? She already has?? Is that the "let them go and if they come back they're meant to be" cliche?

She wanted space so I've given her that, not that I wanted to, but that was what she wanted?

eddison

Hi elvisaintdead,

Sorry I am a little confused !! but I am trying to help. You are apart, and you still see her? You see her enough to help her? If you have split up, then why are you asking for advice?

Have both of you really split up, or is this 'time out' period? If it is time out period, then, if you get back together- yes this is what I mean. Love her so much that she is capable of leaving you. But if you do this, she will probably not want to ! as you have shown amazing strength.

eddison

"let them go and if they come back they're meant to be" cliche?

holy hell no!! don't deal in cliche. My last post may explain, but if you want I can explain further. Although it may not be relevant or focus on the problem. It depends on the status of your marriage.

elvisaintdead

We have split up, but yes it is also time out period! She's moved out.

We still talk regularly, I want us to get back together, but she "wants to get her head together - doesn't know what she wants"!

Yes, I'm still able to help her, and do, but I want to do that with her living with me, rather than on her own...

Thanks for your help, I appreciate it, gotta logoff now, check in tomorrow

booboo88

justwonder?? wrote: »

Sorry you went through this too.

My wife doesn't see this person, but someone else has taken him to court...my wife also had opportunity (via detectives who she contacted) to get involved but then didin't want to (I fully supported her in this (getting involved/or not if she wanted to) BTW).

Anyway, the point of the OP was that this is a huge factor in our break-up, irrespective of whether we overtly linked it or not at the time.

She could be in defense mode? Have ye recently had a spat?
I completely understand her not wanting to get involved in court case, draggin up whats shes done her very best to hide.

The only way you can find out why ye broke up is to ask her. she could be depressed, stuck in a rut. Its hard not let it get to you sometimes, and also paranoia is a major thing aswell.

booboo88

elvisaintdead wrote: »

We have split up, but yes it is also time out period! She's moved out.

We still talk regularly, I want us to get back together, but she "wants to get her head together - doesn't know what she wants"!

Yes, I'm still able to help her, and do, but I want to do that with her living with me, rather than on her own...

Thanks for your help, I appreciate it, gotta logoff now, check in tomorrow

She needs this time on her own, shes not rejecting you, shes afraid just not emotionally available.

elvisaintdead

booboo88 wrote: »

she could be depressed, stuck in a rut. Its hard not let it get to you sometimes, and also paranoia is a major thing aswell.

I'd say all of the above at different stages over the past few months and even years.

She's in much better shape now but still doesn't know what she wants to do about "us".

elvisaintdead

booboo88 wrote: »

She needs this time on her own, shes not rejecting you, shes afraid just not emotionally available.

Thats sounds about right booboo88.

I hadn't really thought about it like that.

Thanks for your replies