arguing with other half after moving in together!

juzzy

Heys guys

Just moved in with other half two months ago. We lived together 2 years ago for college and had the usual bickering when we lived together.

We both moved home for last two years and now moved into together again

Been arguing more so over household stuff and I don’t know were we just used to doing our thing when we lived at home.

He’s working long hours with his job so he’s wrecked and takes me asking him again and again to do stuff etc like household chores, DIY etc and I end up doing way more as I get fed up and it can’t wait. I understand he's busy etc but so am I and we pay equal rent, bills etc.

He also can go to bed anytime between 9 & midnight. I on the other hand have flexi hours and don’t usually start work til bit later in the morning so I tend to be up til 1am.I creep into bedroom with light out so am considerate.

The question is am I being unreasonable asking him the nights he spur of the moment decides to go to bed at 9.30 to sleep in the spare room?

He has a desk in spare room for any work he does from home and has his suits in there for the morning and extra clothes etc so harder for me to sleep in there

Just easier for him as tonight for eg I was planning on having a shower and getting my work stuff together round 10 ish as was at gym and just back after having dinner, but at 9.30 he said right I’m off to bed

So I had to move my mirror, pjs, hairdryer, hairbrush etc etc all to spare room which is considerably smaller and try and get ready after shower there which is hard as he has all his clothes all over the bed.

What do ye think is a fair solution? Take turns in spare room? He won’t sleep in there.Also he snores!!!Just driving me crazy

MissFlitworth

If you both work full time and you have the cash would you consider getting a cleaner a couple of hours a week to do the big stuff so neither of you have to worry about it? It's not expensive to do and it can save a lot of heartache when one person is more into cleanliness than their partner

I do think you'd be out of order to ask him to sleep in the spare room because he goes to bed early (especially cos you say he works long hours - that would really piss me off if someone tried it with me), I just have a 'person who goes to bed later has the responsibility to keep it quiet' mindframe though so maybe other people would disagree. You have more freedom with your time if you work flexitime so it definitely seems unfair to me to ask him to sleep in the spare room if he needs to be up early. Why don't you move some of your work stuff in there and move his suits back into the main bedroom so that you can get ready in the mornings handily enough?

It does get less ****e after a little while

LegacyUser

You don't have to answer this here, but think about it to yourself if you wish:
What's your sex life like? I could be wrong, but just from reading what you wrote it seems like you are both always working at the same time, and the only time you two get together in the evenings he is going to bed alone. A lot of the time you are not even sleeping in the same bed so when is your chance to be together? Sometimes a lack of sex in a relationship can make things very tense between people, and make them likely to argue over the littlest of things.

9:30pm does seem very early for going to bed, especially if you haven't seen him all day. What time does he have to be up in the morning for?
I don't think it's fair that you are always made go sleep in the spare room, and that he point blank refuses to. It is your bedroom too, and you are not the person who insists on going to bed at an unusually early time.
Neither of you should be sleeping in spare room imo. If he needs to go to bed early then fair enough, but that doesn't give him the right to bite the head of you and call you inconsiderate when you try to join him quietly even entering in the dark so as not to disturb him! I don't understand why ye don't use a little bit of that time to have some fun in the bed, it will even make him sleep better afterwards and is stress reducing too.

Regarding the DIY and other chores. You are both going to need to set up some sort of a rota or routine that is doable. Sit down together, make a list of all the chores that need to be done, and compromise about who logically and fairly has the time and ability to do each one. When you've got a plan together, be strict and stick to it.

tenchi-fan

i think you need your own separate rooms. I personally need to wear earplugs when I am sharing a room and just because you're in a relationship doesn't mean you need to share a bed between the hours of 1am and 7am (and tip-toe around each other in the morning and night for fear of incurring each other's wrath!)

He should get a decent wardrobe for the "spare" room and move all his stuff into it, and any junk that doesn't belong to him move it into more suitable storage. And just keep all your stuff in the other bedroom.

Or if you want to make a concession, maybe you should take the spare room instead, leaving him with the larger room (seeing as he also has a desk)

I think taking it in turns is a ludicrous idea.

As for all the household chores, etc.. He should probably pull his weight as much as possible. If he doesn't have time to iron his own shirts, he can get them washed and ironed for a few euro each & it would probably be worth it! I think you're probably exaggerating how much DIY needs to be done, however very simple, if he doesn't have time to do it he can pay someone to do it for him. Also consider paying a cleaner to come in once a week or even once every 2 weeks to give the place a good going over, and just clean as you go along until the cleaner comes (sweep the floor rather than mop, use bleach wipes to clean the bathroom knowing the cleaner will do a proper job when she calls).

If clutter is a problem, throw out some junk and get proper shelving and storage to reduce the amount of junk on floors and surfaces.. it is much easier to clean when there isn't junk lying around.

LegacyUser

I think your relationship sounds as though it has some pretty serious problems. I think you're being a bit OTT and need to evaluate some of your behaviour. Maybe living apart would suit the two of you better? This read like an 'annoying housemate' thread, not a couple living together thread.

juzzy

hey guys thanks for the replies!!

Think I was overtired etc when I wrote my original post. On top of it he snores so i already wear ear plugs and an eyemask

He doesn't want a cleaner, says if we spend some time over the weekend between us we can get it done... but that usually drags on and there are daily stuff, like dishwasher, washing, etc that i end up doing.

I guess we have to sit down and talk about it and it will get easier. I guess he's taken on a lot with work and we barely get time together and we seem to be arguing then. sex life is good but down to probably once a week as we don't see as much of each other.we never go to bed at same time and get up at same time!
He's not up til 8.30 on days he's working in office

He's away a bit with work aswell so he's always wrecked when he gets back and just wants to sleep. .I guess i thought those nights he could head to spare room where his desk and work suits etc is anyway- saving me moving mine out to spare room before he goes to bed and then if i'm sleeping there have to go back to main bedroom in the morn if he is doing some work from home!

He doesn't see any prob at the moment. He wants me to sleep with him in main bedroom!

tenchi-fan

Op, you said you have flexitime. Do you use the flexitime to beat the traffic, or is it a case that you just stay up too late and don't want to get up early in the morning?

You might be able to use flexi to sync your routine a bit better to your boyfriend's.

Memnoch

Get the cleaner OP, it will make a big difference. We had the same issue with both of us being very busy etc. And it would just drag on and on. Initially, I wasn't keen on getting one as I felt we should really be cleaning up after ourselves, sadly the place just got messy and we had unnecessary arguments about pointless little things.

When I finally relented, the few extra bob were well worth it and relieved a lot of pointless stress. I'm sure your OH will feel the same once he sees what a difference it can make.