I hate my husbands friend

LegacyUser

I know it's not a major problem, but I can see it causing issues. I really can't stand one of my husbands friends. When he's not drunk he's fine, and has even been good to me. But with one or two drinks he changes into a smug, arrogant know it all. He insults everyone in a "funny way" and says and does things to be at the centre of attention all the time.

For as long as I know my husband I've tried my best with this friend, the insinuations that my oh was out looking for other women when not with me, the suggestion that if the friend didn't want him to marry me he wouldn't, the "what do you mean you want to go home, f**k sake, she telling you what to do again" at 4 or 5 am after a party. I just let it all go, but after so many years, it's wearing thin.

Lately though, something else happened, not a major deal, and I'd rather not go into detail, but it appears to be the straw that broke the camels back. I feel like crying at the thought of seeing him, I feel my stomach turn even looking at pics of him. I feel uncomfortable with my husband going out with him, because I know friend will come back with some made up story to try upset me; of course in the guise of joking, and it's just gone beyond a joke now. He's arrogant, agressive, smug and knows everything about everything. We had a major row lately in my house. He was drunk I wasn't.

My husband on this one; useless. I've tried to speak to him about it and am told he's joking, or reminded that he was good to me once when husband was away. I'm told nobody else has a problem so it's obviously me. Even the row in the house that time, husband claimed he didn't know what was happening, even though I did from another room. He even tried to find ways to justify what the friend had done. I feel totally let down by my husband on that one. As far as I'm concerned he had a responsibility to our house and the way we have decided together to do things. And he just ignored it. It is very hard to explain, I can't say the full story as it will ID me if husband reads, but it involves friend taking it upon himself to change the way we do something in our house, despite him trying before and me explaining clearly that it's not on.


I'm stuck with this person in my life. We all hang out with the same group of friends so it's not like I can get away from him and I would not expect my husband to end a friendship, although I am tempted to ask husband not to have friend in the house if he can't respect it and me. So I'm looking for advice on getting over my feelings toward this guy and being able to relax when he's around, instead of waiting for the next put down - sorry the next "joke".

I can see why people like him - he is fun, he's witty and there is always a party when he's around. But I can't get past the rest of it. Any advice?

tenchi-fan

When you make comments like "I feel my stomach turn even looking at pics of him" it sounds like you have a vendetta against the guy. You also claim "He was drunk I wasn't"... but had you been drinking?

There is a culture in Ireland of slagging people off and getting a rise out of them, and especially when alcohol is involved it can go too far sometimes. But the old "you're under the thumb" chestnut really is harmless fun and a great way to make a friend stay out longer then they intended to.. It's not personal against you, in fact if you husband was having a good time at 5am but you were tired, you should have gone to bed and left your husband to it. You had all the following day to leave him in the dog house.

From the tone of your post you're using phrases like "I feel uncomfortable", "I feel totally let down", "he did this in my house, he changed the way we do things in my house, I am tempted to ask husband not to have friend in the house if he can't respect it and me... etc etc" and all these phrases that make you sound like the victim.

I think step one is to stop feeling sorry for yourself. As men get older they generally have fewer friends, and this guy is obviously a good friend of your husbands. When your husband is hanging around with him, why not just be happy that your husband is enjoying himself. Stop taking everything the guy says so personally. Even if this guy is generally good-natured he is probably picking up on your aggression and sending it back with interest. The only difference is he is not letting you get under his skin.

Maybe you should get a few more friends yourself instead of obsessing over this one guy you don't like because he occasionally draws your husband's attention away from you.

Nevyn

Sounds like your partners friend is a bitch.
The same smart biting remarks which are funny put downs to get his own way are often assocated with women but men do it too. People who are good at this know well what they are doing and manage it in such away that the target feels isolated and other people can't see the subtle underhanded manner in which they are constantly put down and undermind.

You have three choices as I see it withdraw, don't spend time in is company at all.
Let your partner keep his friendship but have nothing to do with the friend.

Go on the offensive and give back as good as you get.

or you can explain to your partner that you don't like the comments. If the friend starts making them and people start laughing then leave, walk away and then explain afterwards that you feel hurt and disrespected. You dont' have to put up with that behaviour.

Kimia

Tenchi, I have to say that your post is one of the worst piles of crap I have ever read, and terrible advice for the OP. I normally agree with a lot you say but this time you are so so wrong. 'Harmless fun', and the 'slagging culture' in Ireland means that the OP can't be upset when some dude is a dick to her? Please.

OP, this guy sounds like a tool. I would have nothing to do with him either. How dare he make these little comments and disrespect you in your own home. I would be furious.

However, the problem lies with (as you've suspected) your husband. The only reason the friend treats you like this is because your husband allows him to. I have to say, if one of my friends insulted my OH the way he insults you, I would tell them to shut up and to stop being so rude, and if they continued, a serious chat would be had.

So what really has transpired is that your husband doesn't have a lot of respect for you, and is perhaps a bit in awe of this 'funny' guy. Your husband (sorry) sounds weak and spineless and totally under the thumb of this dude (not yours funnily enough!). AND this guy knows it very well - the comment about your husband not marrying you unless this guy gave his ok? Maybe an extreme example to use but I would say this guy knows how much his opinion and word hold sway with your OH.

As we've established that your husband doesn't give a ****e about what this guy says to you - that has negated any loyalty you have to your husband about what you can say to this guy. And so the next time he makes a smart comment, call him on it. If he says something insulting about your relationship, say to him 'I don't appreciate you commenting on our relationship and I would prefer if you could tone it down please'. Keep calm and don't get into a screaming match, just be dismissive and contemptuous.

This is only a short term solution however. And I think you know this. You have to speak with your husband. You are supposed to be a team and at the moment the team consists of your husband and this guy, not your husband and you.

sbsquarepants

I know exactly what you mean, but from the other side. My girlfriend hates a friend of mine for more or less the same reasons, the jokes about chasing women, smart comments and so on, to be honest he can be a bit of an ass when he's drunk, but that's another issue.
I think you're probably going to have to put up and shut up for want of a better phrase, the fact that my girfriend doesn't like this guy, doesn't make me like him any less. I can see her point absolutely, but he's still my friend and is likely to remain so. I think your husband may well resent it if you try telling him who his friends can and can't be. I know i would.
But that being said, if he's in your house he should respect you and if he doesn't you should throw him out plain and simple. Simply tell him that you live here, he doesn't and therefore you make the rules, i can't see how your husband could have any problem with that. Changing how anything is done in your home is completely oversteping the mark!

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies.

@techni - That evening, I had had 2 glasses of lager, went home to bed at approx 1am, this was 7am that husband and friend came home, so no, I would safely say that nothing from my side was drink related.

Your comment that I should just go home to bed - woman know thy place? We live far from everyone and so have to travel to and from parties, meaning we often stay in the place we are drinking negating the "you should go home" part of that sentence. You're automatically assuming that I ask him to leave, and if that was the case then yes friend would have a point, but even if husband wants to go and says so friend starts - in fact, husband has on occasion asked me to pick him up, and I'd get there at agreed time, go in to say hello to people and STILL get the same comments from friend. And why would I have my husband in the doghouse for staying out with friends? So long as I can leave when I want, it makes no difference to me how long he stays out for? I learned many years ago that a night out with husband is a night out, rarely finishing before dawn.

Your comment "draws your husbands attention away from you" is misguided. We both have very active social lives, together and seperately, this guy I'm apparently obsessing about, has for a good 15 years been a bit of a pain, but lately (since we got married) I feel like he's trying to upset me, not just get a rise out of me, to the point of pointing out women to my husband and telling him they would be more suited to him than me. Sending messages like "you should be out tonight - the sluts here are unreal" at 3am and trying to set him up with his new gf's friend is something else he regularly does.

@ theadydal I have so far tried to withdraw from his company, sending hubby off for a good night out "enjoy yourself, call me if you want to be picked up" etc but it's starting to isolate me from a group of friends. So I don't really want to do that much longer.

I've explained to my husband why I have an issue and he has said that he can see where I'm coming from. I don't want to ruin a friendship by making an issue of it by walking out, or complaining about the friend. I'm hoping that now I've explained to husband, he might actually see it. We can all be a bit blind sometimes, so me pointing it out, might make him realise what's happening and maybe "joke" back. I feel like if I had the support of him in the situations, I'd be less of a target.

For the record he does seem to target the girls in the group, one of the men has stopped meeting up with us, I recently was speaking to his girlfriend and she said it's because she feels like the friend doesn't like her and basicially said she didn't want anything to do with him, bf agreed and has now cut himself off from the group; not something I would like to see my husband do at all.

@Kimia; you hit the nail on the head with the husband being in awe! It's like this friend can do no wrong. My husband is like this anyway, he sees the best in people and it's a trait I really love about him, but with the good comes the bad haha, so it seems the downside of this lovely trait is not seeing when someone is being hurt by someone else. The comment about us being a team is very accurate. When we are together at home he's fantastic, he supports me in everything I do, he's caring and funny and does his best to make me happy. When we're out with the group and friend is not there, it's the same, but when friend is there, it's like I'm not anymore. You have to understand how small these comments are. To get annoyed over one alone would look ridiculous, it's a combination of years of small niggly comments. So it's very hard to explain to husband properly.

@sb I think you're right about me just having to put up with it. How would you like to see your gf deal with your friend? And does the fact he knowingly upsets her not make you feel anything about him? Not because your gf dislike him, but because he is an ass to her.

I'd never try to tell my husband who he can and can't speak to, and if I did he'd rightly tell me where to go. I think me asking husband not to have friend in house when he's drunk is reasonable though, as the issue is one which has come up a few times.

Distorted

Are you passive or do you tell him he's in the wrong when he comes out with these comments? How often is he round at your house? If its a lot, I agree its a real problem, because you must feel uncomfortable in your own house. If he is that obnoxious, are there any other people in the friendship group who agree with you and who could maybe be persuaded to have a word in your husband's ear? Does the obnoxious friend have a girlfriend or wife himself (I'm guessing not)?

I know how you feel as my boyfriend had a friend I couldn't stand. He was an alcoholic and had a daughter, with his girlfriend, a friend of both mine and my boyfriend's. He wasn't as obnoxious as your husband's though, and he didn't come round to my house often, so I was able to deal with it by avoiding him and expressing my doubts over him to my boyfriend gradually (he didn't agree with me but generally he comes round to my way of thinking in most things, given time). My boyfriend went off him when he let him down a few times but in the end my "problem" was solved when he turned out to have another girlfriend in another part of the country and my friend threw him out of her house for the last time. I almost feel quite bad now because I was never very nice to him (although not rude) and he tried to be nice to me sometimes, but he just wasn't my type of person and I hated the way he lived his life and the influence re drinking, bad behaviour, etc he had on my boyfriend.

I agree with the comments above that you either stand up to him and tell him its unacceptable, or bail out when he's there, or attempt to stop him coming round (though that might be hard if your husband isn't backing you up).

Taltos

OP - I am finding it quite difficult to give balanced advice here as most of your arguments are around either feelings / emotions without the facts for us to look at.

Irrespective of that though one thing you said did strike me - about respecting you in your own home.

You can take this up with your husband - and definitely tell him - that if anyone (and I mean anyone) disrespects you (your family/husband) in your home either he had better immediately deal with it or you will. And when I say that I mean it - give one warning - but next time you get any crap ask that person to immediately leave - stay calm - but be clear - "leave my home immediately you are no longer welcome here"

I know you cannot go into more for fear of identifying yourself - but have one last chat with your husband - set out clearly
> what your boundaries are
> what you expect him to do
> what you WILL do if he fails to act
> FOLLOW THRU
It might cause a stinking row the first time but if you are consistent and FAIR then your husband will soon learn that he is better off stepping up and assuming the role of the "protector" (hate that) before you step in and take on the mantle of the "destroyer ( )

In your home - you are more than entitled to be happy and safe - and if this guy is making you unhappy then with your husband you can deal with it.

Kimia

Just to add to my earlier comment, to give reasons for the 'friends' behaviour. I believe that he loves the attention he gets from your husband - he has a loyal and obedient wingman that does whatever he wants when he wants, who looks up to him and who makes him feel great about himself.

Now you are married and he is threatened that you are going to take his mate away from him - he will go to any lengths to protect this onesided friendship because he gets worshipped. But not in a normal way. He's just annoyed because he can't control the friend as much as he could because you're watching from the wings. So he starts to undermine and criticise you - in front of his loyal obedient henchman but just enough so that it's a 'joke' and you're obviously an unfunny harridan because you can't take this hilarious jokes.

Your husband may have already sensed this but as he has no balls and worships this friend he cannot tell him to back off or he'll lose face. So he'll blame you - by saying that it's you who wants to go home early, and it's you who won't go out tonight etc. It's so he doesn't have to step up and stand up to this guy - he can just blame you and then have a moan with his sympathetic friend about his evil hag of a wife.

It'll all end in tears I suspect. Yourself and your husband need a very serious chat and this guy needs to back off.

LegacyUser

@ distorted, I am passive, I've only once said something and friend got annoyed saying how he was only joking and that I'm "dry" (even in apologising he's insulting). He made a huge deal about me quietly saying "please don't make comments to me like that" and I felt embarassed at having caused a scene out of something "so small".

@ Taltos, I've recently done that, I explained exactly what the problem was and what I will and will not accept in future. It's hard though, you go on a night out to enjoy yourself, and I just dread this one guy being there. I really worry about what type of mood he will be in when he arrives, to the point my stomach lurches.

A few weeks ago he came with us to visit people in the small town I'm from. I asked husband to please keep an eye on him. By the end of the night out he had been so rude to a bar girl that my whole family heard back about it and I've been told to never bring him back to that bar again by the manager!!

I've decided to say what happened the day of the argument. If husband reads he might understand a bit better.

I have a nephew who comes to stay with me occasionally, he's 7. I love having him come to visit as does my husband. Friend has 2 younger brothers as well as nephews. He fancies himself as a "child" expert.

The friend is over maybe once or twice a week. So they have met many times.

The friend subtly corrects him, like if we're having dinner and the kid asks for ketchup, even if the child was asking me for it, friend will say "when you say please", or if kid comes in from the garden and friend is there, friend will tell him to wipe his feet. Even though the child barely seems to notice, he is there in my care and it is my place to say something to him if it's needed. I have asked friend not to do it.

On the night in question, we had been out with a group of family and friends at a function, kid was there and wanted to spend the night in my house. Sister agreed, so I left early to bring him home. He stayed in the spare room and obviously woke up when he heard husband and friend come in early in the morning. He went down to them, I didn't hear. What I did hear was friend telling kid to go back to bed, that it was too early to be up. I got up, to make kid brekkie, and as I was coming down the stairs, friend was leading child to the bottom of the stairs to send him back up. Now I have to be very clear. The child knows him, and he was not hurting him, but it was not his place to act like that. It is not something I or my husband would do. When I said "I've asked you not to do that" he started getting annoyed and saying things like "someone needs to teach him manners".

Husband in fairness was practically asleep on the couch so may not have had time to react by the time I came down, but since has said things like "he thinks he was helping" and "he doesn't realise that it annoyed you so much". It might be a woman thing but surely my husband should assume a protector role in his own house towards someone in our care. Instead of making excuses for friend. He is very placid like that through everything in life. Not just with this friend so I do know it might be hard for him to step out of *peacekeeper* mode.

I don't want the thread to be about that one incident, as I had a problem with the friend anyway, if it was just that one incident, I could let it go. But as I said, it's the straw that broke the camels back.

I have to say it's a relief that people know what I mean about subtle putdowns and "jokes".

prinz

hate to hate wrote: »

He insults everyone in a "funny way" and says and does things to be at the centre of attention all the time.

hate to hate wrote: »

So I'm looking for advice on getting over my feelings toward this guy and being able to relax when he's around, instead of waiting for the next put down - sorry the next "joke"..

He doesn't single you out though? As above his 'jokes' are applied across the board it seems.

hate to hate wrote: »

I can see why people like him - he is fun, he's witty and there is always a party when he's around. But I can't get past the rest of it. Any advice?

So even with his joking "insults" aimed at everyone, they all seem to like the guy? Do any of them feel put down by what he says or is there more give and take? Have you talked to other people from this 'same group of friends' for their opinions? Maybe ask one of them to have a word? As tenchi-fan alluded to earlier you seem to be investing a lot more effort into resenting this guy than he is in you. As you said his insulting jokes, while tasteless, are applied to everyone, and apparently everyone else can see the funny side and brush them off. It's usual with someone with that streak in them that if you seem to take his insults/jokes to heart he will actually continue and try harder and harder to get a rise. If you paid no heed or told him to stick it you know where, it's possible he'd back off.

He should be respecting your wishes when in your house but tbh it seems more a case of a personality clash than a malicious attempt at wearing you down in particular. Hence the references to his arrogance and smugness.

It seems this friend is a bit of an insecure, immature jack-the-lad and is probably jealous more than anything of what your husband has in you.

Time to talk to your husband, clearly and calmly. Explain the situation and ask him just to have a word with his friend if he gets out of line.

Peanut2011

OP, you don't say how long this friendship has been going on, between you and the OH friend so it's slightly hard to judge.

Regardless of the time, I think the friend needs to be set straight, especially when he is at your own house. IMO your husband is "spineless" in this case. He should be the one to stand up and tell his friend certain things are not ok and that they are hurtful to you.

I'd say especially since you tried to talk to him about it.

The only advice I can give you is to sit your husband down and explain. Tell him to just listen, not talk, till you are finished. Explain al, the hurtful things as you see them and ask him to talk to his friend.

Give him the time line! And if he has not done so, tell him you will speak to his friend directly (when neither of you have had a drink).

It is not grounds for good relationship if friends have way too big influence in your personal life and also if one party has to exclude themselves from the group.

Failing any action from your OH, you speak to the friend and tell him what the problem is. Not confront but speak.

Really hope you have this resolved quickly as this is not a good place to be in.

P.S.

Just cos all the others in the group like the guy does not mean you have to as well. We all have different tolerance levels and others need to respect them. If they all jumped off the building, would you do it too??

moco

Have you actually spoken to your husband’s friend about his comments?

I know you think he says these things to you deliberately, and he probably does, but I think if you take him aside and tell him how much he upsets you, you just might embarrass him into stopping. Say it as in ‘I know you mustn’t realise you upset me with your comments, but they do hurt me.’

Then if he continues he can’t really do it in a sneaky way and act like he doesn’t realise what he’s doing.

Taltos

Wow - well that puts a whole new spin on it.
Not only is he disrespecting you - but he is interfering with children under your care. To be honest - if I heard that a child of mine (I have none) had a "stranger" trying to lead them back to bed - I would make sure my kid was never on sleep over with you again.

OK - so good you have had the chat now with the husband.
Time to put it into practice - as some of the others have noted very well above you can understand his motivations - but to be honest - with the damage he is doing to your rep at home this guy needs to be cut loose.

Remember stay calm - call him on whatever he has said and then either instruct him to leave or you leave if you are not at home.
This might very well be a telling point on the state of your marriage - but better you deal with it now instead of letting it fester and pull you apart from your husband.
Why not print out this thread - bring it home and show it to him - your OH has to be made to see that his lack of support is driving a wedge between you both - maybe not his intent - but he cannot have it both ways.

LegacyUser

Moco, I did not speak to friend beyond asking him not to check my nephew. I will do that, you're right. And I don't know why I didn't think of it myself.

Prinz, all the men in the group like him. The women tolerate him. I've been with my husband for 15 years and I'm only 30, so we met very young. When we first got together I was accused of "breaking up" the group because my oh was spending time with me. Typical childish stuff that means nothing really. Some of the other blokes said it too when we were younger, we've all moved on and I now have some great friends in the group. But it seems to have set the tone with this particular friend. That of me "taking away" his friend. kimia once again nail on head!

His jokes are not really applied across the board, but not just to me either. He can be a right ass to my husband and two other men in the group; fat jokes, failure jokes are two of his fav. But I would not comment on that, it's their friendship and if my husband is happy with how his friend acts towards him that's his business. His jokes have caused 2 friends to distance themselves from the group. His jokes caused him to get punched by a friend of a friend at a festival last year. So they have caused him problems.

Peanut, you're right about the tolerance levels. There is a core group of men who know each other since school, and us gf's go drinking with them too. Most of the gf's, all bar 1, have been around for a year or so. So while it is a bit annoying for them, it's 15 years of it for me. 15 years of putdowns, however meant, can wear you out.

When I go out with my own friends I feel totally different. I feel fun, I get involved in conversations and get out dancing. When out with the other group, it's gotten to the stage where I feel safer sitting somewhere away from him and not drawing attention to myself in case he says something.

He's recently met a new girl. I had not met her yet but had heard she's really nice. He was visiting our house and I said, "Oh I heard xxx is really nice" and he said "yes and she's prettier than you too hahaha". I don't see how someone can think that's funny. Where is the wit?

I don't want to cause problems between my husband and this friend. I would hate to put him in a horrible position, but me keeping quiet and not trying to cause trouble, I'm in a situation that I really dislike. Shouldn't a friend care enough to want to avoid such a situation too?

I think I will speak to the friend next tim he is over and he's not drinking. Maybe I'll say it in a way suggested by moco "I know you're not trying to upset me, but sometimes you do".

LegacyUser

Taltos, that is why I do not want him in the house anymore. It truely was the last straw.

Thank you all for your help. I know what I am going to do. I need to stop taking it too personally, but at the same time make sure both husband and friend know how I feel. I will stay calm and adult and see where that gets me

Mod if you would like to close this thread please help yourselves. I have gotten the advice I need.

Thank you

Taltos wrote: »

Wow - well that puts a whole new spin on it.
Not only is he disrespecting you - but he is interfering with children under your care. To be honest - if I heard that a child of mine (I have none) had a "stranger" trying to lead them back to bed - I would make sure my kid was never on sleep over with you again.

OK - so good you have had the chat now with the husband.
Time to put it into practice - as some of the others have noted very well above you can understand his motivations - but to be honest - with the damage he is doing to your rep at home this guy needs to be cut loose.

Remember stay calm - call him on whatever he has said and then either instruct him to leave or you leave if you are not at home.
This might very well be a telling point on the state of your marriage - but better you deal with it now instead of letting it fester and pull you apart from your husband.
Why not print out this thread - bring it home and show it to him - your OH has to be made to see that his lack of support is driving a wedge between you both - maybe not his intent - but he cannot have it both ways.

moco

If I were you I'd have a talk with him and tell him he upsets you. Then every time he says or does something else, pull him up on it in a nice way - as in try not to be angry. Just like 'why would you say that?' 'That's not very nice' etc. I think he'll get bored of explaining himself and stop.

Pebbles68

Just a couple of observations/questions
1. Does your nephews father know what happened and how this bully has taken it upon himself to "teach him manners"? I know what would happen if my nephews father heard about what is going on in your home.
2. In your shoes the next time he puts you or your relationship down in front of people I'd say something like "listen, you asked me out, I said no. I married >>>hubby's name>>> now get over it. (does it matter if it's true? I don't think so but it might help)

tenchi-fan

hate to hate wrote: »

The friend subtly corrects him, like if we're having dinner and the kid asks for ketchup, even if the child was asking me for it, friend will say "when you say please", or if kid comes in from the garden and friend is there, friend will tell him to wipe his feet.

My god? This is serious stuff. So disrespectful, what a monster.

hate to hate wrote: »

What I did hear was friend telling kid to go back to bed, that it was too early to be up.
SNIP
When I said "I've asked you not to do that" he started getting annoyed.

Yes, you were right to confront him. He really went too far. What a hateful and obnoxious human being. The guy obviously thinks he is an authority but obvious he is a control freak.

I'm outraged. I was playing devils advocate in my original reply but obviously this guy has gone too far.