go out with her? (friend's ex)

LegacyUser

as above, I have a slight issue at the moment

Some background:

I am about one month out of a 1.5 yr relationship (she broke it off at end of December). We moved in together 8 months in (in retrospect v fast but we were happy) but the relationship steadily declined. Possibly due to being too settled, not going out as much (saving) and me not moving fast enough for her (engagement etc.). Anyway the 2 months before we broke up we were more like housemates. The physical end of the relationship wasn't happening for a few months as post op etc for her so wasn't possible. Anyway cue me making all the effort with her. At Christmas, we agreed I'd spend the main days with my family across the country and she broke up with me when I got back as in her words, she didn't love me enough. (she had time to think and didn't miss me over Xmas).

So I had been in a bit of a state for a couple of weeks after, though surprisingly, the worst passed quite quickly,I mostly think of the 1st half of the relationship and trips abroad etc when I think of good times, didn't have many good times when we moved in. Add to that how stale it was at the end (possibly her trying to freeze me out so I'd do the dirty work), it was probably a good thing she broke it off, we don't talk as she doesn't want to, but I would happily stay friends.

Anyway to now, for a few months I've been in vicinity of this girl I know previously. I am friends with her ex-boyfriend (initially when I met her a few years ago,I was attracted, and she introduced me to him as they were going out at the time, I remained friends with both him and her, but he would be in my core group of friends). It did not end well with them and he is happily in a relationship with 2 yrs+ with someone else.

She has been sending me messages saying people think we're a good match etc and we should go for a drink.

So, I'm worried :

a) that it's too soon for me and she's a rebound and it's my male pride talking - although I made it clear I wasn't looking for anything and was done with relationships for a while to her - her response was it's just a drink....

b) my friend of course - I'm not sure how he would react - I've talked about it with two other friends who don't know either of them and one says go for it, and the other says that it's back-stabbing. I am supposed to meet him at the weekend with some other friends so don't know if I should approach him about this? keep quiet and take her out anyway, and see what happens? or ask if he minds? I wouldn't expect to go on a double date with his currently gf and him (nightmare lol)

There is definitely massive attraction there on both sides and for me now, it would just be a pleasant distraction, nothing serious. what should I do?

(btw I googled looking for similar qs and nothing came up..)

thanks

Wompa1

ideas_pls wrote: »

as above, I have a slight issue at the moment

Some background:

I am about one month out of a 1.5 yr relationship (she broke it off at end of December). We moved in together 8 months in (in retrospect v fast but we were happy) but the relationship steadily declined. Possibly due to being too settled, not going out as much (saving) and me not moving fast enough for her (engagement etc.). Anyway the 2 months before we broke up we were more like housemates. The physical end of the relationship wasn't happening for a few months as post op etc for her so wasn't possible. Anyway cue me making all the effort with her. At Christmas, we agreed I'd spend the main days with my family across the country and she broke up with me when I got back as in her words, she didn't love me enough. (she had time to think and didn't miss me over Xmas).

So I had been in a bit of a state for a couple of weeks after, though surprisingly, the worst passed quite quickly,I mostly think of the 1st half of the relationship and trips abroad etc when I think of good times, didn't have many good times when we moved in. Add to that how stale it was at the end (possibly her trying to freeze me out so I'd do the dirty work), it was probably a good thing she broke it off, we don't talk as she doesn't want to, but I would happily stay friends.

Anyway to now, for a few months I've been in vicinity of this girl I know previously. I am friends with her ex-boyfriend (initially when I met her a few years ago,I was attracted, and she introduced me to him as they were going out at the time, I remained friends with both him and her, but he would be in my core group of friends). It did not end well with them and he is happily in a relationship with 2 yrs+ with someone else.

She has been sending me messages saying people think we're a good match etc and we should go for a drink.

So, I'm worried :

a) that it's too soon for me and she's a rebound and it's my male pride talking - although I made it clear I wasn't looking for anything and was done with relationships for a while to her - her response was it's just a drink....

b) my friend of course - I'm not sure how he would react - I've talked about it with two other friends who don't know either of them and one says go for it, and the other says that it's back-stabbing. I am supposed to meet him at the weekend with some other friends so don't know if I should approach him about this? keep quiet and take her out anyway, and see what happens? or ask if he minds? I wouldn't expect to go on a double date with his currently gf and him (nightmare lol)

There is definitely massive attraction there on both sides and for me now, it would just be a pleasant distraction, nothing serious. what should I do?

(btw I googled looking for similar qs and nothing came up..)

thanks

Ask him, he'll probably say yes just to safe face as though why would that upset him.....

when it actually will but at least you'll have got his blessing to fall back on if he does start to get narky.

If he says no then just forget about it....you think maybe it's a powerplay by her? Trying to piss the ex off....because it should have crossed her mind as well as maybe being something inconsiderate..

omega666

ideas_pls wrote: »

as above, I have a slight issue at the moment

Some background:

I am about one month out of a 1.5 yr relationship (she broke it off at end of December). We moved in together 8 months in (in retrospect v fast but we were happy) but the relationship steadily declined. Possibly due to being too settled, not going out as much (saving) and me not moving fast enough for her (engagement etc.). Anyway the 2 months before we broke up we were more like housemates. The physical end of the relationship wasn't happening for a few months as post op etc for her so wasn't possible. Anyway cue me making all the effort with her. At Christmas, we agreed I'd spend the main days with my family across the country and she broke up with me when I got back as in her words, she didn't love me enough. (she had time to think and didn't miss me over Xmas).

So I had been in a bit of a state for a couple of weeks after, though surprisingly, the worst passed quite quickly,I mostly think of the 1st half of the relationship and trips abroad etc when I think of good times, didn't have many good times when we moved in. Add to that how stale it was at the end (possibly her trying to freeze me out so I'd do the dirty work), it was probably a good thing she broke it off, we don't talk as she doesn't want to, but I would happily stay friends.

Anyway to now, for a few months I've been in vicinity of this girl I know previously. I am friends with her ex-boyfriend (initially when I met her a few years ago,I was attracted, and she introduced me to him as they were going out at the time, I remained friends with both him and her, but he would be in my core group of friends). It did not end well with them and he is happily in a relationship with 2 yrs+ with someone else.

She has been sending me messages saying people think we're a good match etc and we should go for a drink.

So, I'm worried :

a) that it's too soon for me and she's a rebound and it's my male pride talking - although I made it clear I wasn't looking for anything and was done with relationships for a while to her - her response was it's just a drink....

b) my friend of course - I'm not sure how he would react - I've talked about it with two other friends who don't know either of them and one says go for it, and the other says that it's back-stabbing. I am supposed to meet him at the weekend with some other friends so don't know if I should approach him about this? keep quiet and take her out anyway, and see what happens? or ask if he minds? I wouldn't expect to go on a double date with his currently gf and him (nightmare lol)

There is definitely massive attraction there on both sides and for me now, it would just be a pleasant distraction, nothing serious. what should I do?

(btw I googled looking for similar qs and nothing came up..)

thanks

i woulndt keep it quiet from your friend. he is going to obviously find out
and could take it badly espically if they ended badly.

tbh i would stay clear of any of my friends ex's out of respect for them, things can turn badly very quickly. theres plently of other girls to choose from!

but if your going to go ahead at least say it to him first and gauge his reaction.

neveah

I am in a somewhat similar situation at the moment, except I'm the girl in your story. I fancy this guy and he is friends with my ex, they are not bosom buddies or anything but they know each other and they have a lot of mutual friends. I was with my ex for years and we might bump into this guy every now and then but he wouldn't have been hanging around with my ex all the time if you know what I mean. I would never consider going out with any of my ex's closest friends but where do you draw the line? Not go out with anybody your ex knows?? To be honest my ex treated me so badly I couldn't give a flying f**k, he deserves nothing from me but I just want to be clear I don't fancy this other guy just so I can annoy my ex or anything, I actually genuinely like him and think we have loads in common.

It's further complicated by the fact that I also know his ex, just to say hello to and have polite conversation with. So I'm thinking this situation could get really awkward but I don't think we should miss out on something to keep them happy because his ex did the dirt on him and my ex treated me so bad. Who cares about them, right??:P

Now we have only kissed and nothing really has happened since, I don't want to push it. I don't know what he's thinking but I presume he feels attracted to me as well because he kissed me. Obviously things are at the very early stage so the next few meetings/conversations are going to either go one way or another.

Personally I would love to hang out with him and just see how things go. If he tells me that he needs to get 'permission' from my ex first then I am going to tell him not to bother because I don't want to take things any further. The reason I would take this stance is because things ended very badly between my ex and I (btw my ex is in a serious relationship with someone else) My ex treated me very poorly and the very last thing I want is to get his 'blessing' to see anyone else. It would infuriate me to be honest. I would personally prefer this guy to want to see me because he wants to, not because some guy has given him permission to see me.

Sorry for the long post, I suppose I just identify with your problem. I suppose I would advise that you meet up with her, don't say anything yet and see how it goes first. It could all fizzle out after two weeks and then all this permission seeking from her ex would be pointless. If you meet up with her then see how things go and if you think things are going to go further or you want to keep seeing her for a longer period then you can tell her ex. It would be better coming from you rather than him hearing that you are seeing her from someone else. Are you prepared to lose his friendship if he really takes the news badly? I suppose you have to prepare yourself for that and make a decision as to which is more important - his friendship or a possible relationship with her.

Taltos

There will usually be some reason not to go out with someone - and one of the most common is due to a link to a friend.

As per another thread though - life is short, if you allow your perception of others reactions or a fear of what others will say to control your choices then you have to live with limited options.

Personally I would prefer to go through life knowing that I had the guts to try a relationship instead of being 20 yrs down the track wondering if that person could have been the one.

I am not saying disregard your friends - far from it - but you need to balance their reaction against your own potential happiness. A true friend may not be thrilled but they should still be a friend and if they let your choices decide for them that the friendship is not worth it - well it's their choice...

ziedth

Couple of things jump out at me here OP:

How long were they going out?

Were they serious?

How are they now?

Personally, if they were only going out for a couple of months/weeks it wouldn't bother me trying it. If how ever they used to live together or were serious then I would stay well clear. you'll know the answer to this yourself but i'd be leaning towards chancing it.

Good Luck.

Pyr0

Just simply ask him about it and get his opinion on the matter.

LegacyUser

OP here, thanks for all the helpful posts, I did actually tell him him today - he took it well and said sure why would I care (as wompa1 predicted).

I told him I wasn't really sure what I'd do but going to put her off for a month anyway to try and get my head straight as to what I want.

It's not a powerplay as they're over with a couple of years - they were serious though.
Neveah sorry to hear you're going through the same, it's no fun.

Thanks for all the advice guys

greenprincess

it sounds like your friend doesnt mind. so if you are both just looking for something un complicated go for it!!