Not fit to be mother

LegacyUser

Hi,
I'm not really sure what to do. I have 2 kids, one aged 2.5 and the other 3 months. Ever since I got pregnant with number 2, I've found it hard controlling my temper around my first. I tend to loose it sometimes up to once a day, although sometimes I can go several days where I stay calm. I'm so afraid my child will grow up withdrawn or aggressive because of me.
Each time I loose it (ie shout at him), I feel so guilty and promise that I will never behave like that again.
I love my kids so much, but that's not enough to make me a good mother. I do hug and cuddle them and play with them too - lots, but I don't think that's enough to make up for when I'm bad. So far as the younger is a baby, he doesn't even know what his mother is really like - yet.
I tell my husband what I have done ( I have to, as I feel so guilty, I don't want him to think I'm perfect, and also as my 2.5 yr old hasn't his own voice yet) - as I have actually slapped the older boy several times at this stage since he turned two. Not enough to leave a mark - but still it's obviously wrong. He's not particularly difficult - just a typical hyper 2 year old.
My husband is very patient and a great dad (+ he helps me a lot - so not a support issue), he doesn't seem to believe I'm that bad - even if I loose it in front of him ( when I get mad I don't care who's around to see).
I'm telling him we should get someone else to mind the kids, or that I should leave and just visit them, giving him sole custody, but he thinks that's crazy.
I don't know how to get him to see what a bad mother I am, and if I do - I don't know how to move forward. I'm constantly trawling the net for anger management techniques, but none seem to work. I know it's up to me to change myself but I don't know how to keep a lid on it when I get mad. I've always been impatient/short tempered, and I don't know how to change it. I don't want my kids growing up miserable ( my own dad had a temper (never hit me), and it has had an effect on me), or hating me. I think seeing as I haven't improved after my latest attempt to stay calm ( I lasted around 8 days this time), that I need to save my kids from me, as my husband doesn't seem to see the big problem.
What should I do?
Sorry for the ramble, I'm just so upset now, it's just spilling out...

MiniSquish

Maybe instead of looking up anger management techniques you should look into anger management classes. My Dad used to go to them as he had a very short temper too. To me you dont sound like THAT bad of a mother. It just sounds like sometimes when it gets a bit too much for you you snap a bit. If you're not actually beating your kids then I wouldn't class you as an unfit mother. I was slapped as a child when I did something wrong and I don't resent my parents because of it. It sounds like you are very down on yourself, are you depressed too?

JuliusCaesar

If you really were an unfit mother, you wouldn't be having qualms about your behaviour. So you have to be a good mother!

It's difficult. Are you alone with the kids all day? Do you work? Do you have other people around? Are there playdates? Are your parents/parents-in-law/other relatives around? Do you have time to yourself? Do you and your husband go out socially?

It takes a village to raise a child, you know....it's not done alone.

LegacyUser

Hi,

Can I throw out a few things? If none of them make any sense to you, then that is ok. Its hard in front of a screen.
The little one who you get angry with, maybe they have some quality that you resent, or some characteristic that is opposite which makes you angry? Children have their own little personality. Now there are some people in life that we just do not get along with, for whatever reason. This is natural. Its not that there is anything wrong with either party, just form are as different as day and night. Just because the person might be a child, doesn't change the fact that two people separated by age, are like chalk, and cheese. This may be occurring, but you feel terrible you do not like your own child. So you never admit it, but it is still there. But please listen, this could be a pile of complete crap, and 100 miles off base. So please don't get offended. I'm Just looking for the answer to help you, as you did not mention emotional issues from the past.

Chuchoter

Don't be so hard on yourself. You've just had a new baby, you're probably wrecked, so that has probably brought things to a head. 2.5 year olds can be really frustrating creatures especially when you're tired and in a mindset where you think you are no good at this. You're not an unfit mother, if you were you wouldn't be here trying to fix it. I think that you should maybe ask your GP about postnatal depression before you start giving other people custody.

Taltos

I really don't know alot about these things - but if this is only since you have had the 2nd child I am just wondering if this is the result of your hormones being out of whack?

It might be worthwhile going to your GP - and stressing to them how serious you are about needing help here.

You are right to be scared for your child - for a number of reasons.
1) Someone may report you for abuse - you lose both children potentially and who knows about your marriage.
2) You really hurt your kid - can you live with that
3) Your kid learns that this is appropriate behaviour and goes on to repeat it later on... 1st sign might be them repeating it in the playground...

Don't kid yourself about your child not remembering - some of us have great memories for somethings - I clearly remember sleeping in a cot, being pushed in a buggy - my younger brother turning up when I was 2... I could go on. Not always clear memories but there none-the-less.

I think you are great though - great for realising you have a problem - now go and seek the help you really need before it is too late.

eddison

Hello,

Just a few points, but you are probably aware that guilt leads one to making a situation worse. The other point to note is you keep calling yourself an 'unfit mother'. Why are you doing this, as ok, you loose your temper, but that does not make you 'unfit'. Actually coming on this forum to discuss this, suggests you are a caring person, with a problem, you wish to sort out.
If you really were 'unfit', you would not bother to solve the problem.
Believe me, I have met 'unfit' mothers are you are not even 1% near that.
in my humble opinion, you need to find out why you are getting angry.
This is the most important thing for you to do. I think another poster recommended meditation, yes, that will help. For instance, listen to music, but completely clear your mind. Or learn a musical instrument, but again, keep your mind silent. Meditation can come in many forms- but all philosophic traditions Hindu, Christian, yoga, Judaism, Muslim agree on one thing- a silent mind. At first this is difficult, maybe a few minutes, then 10 minutes, and later hours. This is the meaning behind the words- My yoke is easy, and my burden is light. Of course you should seek professional help if you feel you need it.

Nevyn

You have two kids under 3 that is a lot of work and is very tiring, also you are dealing with the terrible twos which challenge every parent. I would suggest you look at doing some parenting courses, some anger management/counselling and that you make sure you get a break for yourself at least once a week, even an hour to go have a cup of coffee or go for a walk.

IF you were a bad parent you wouldn't be concerned about this and looking for help.
You can you know go to your local socail workers and ask for help, they don't just take kdis away and investigate families they have a range of services and supports for famlies and can put them in place for you.

Wompa1

My mother smacked the crap out of my brother and I as young kids...she was trying to give up cigarettes...but my father yelled at us a lot and that seemed to stick with me more. Hasn't made me a bad person, just looking back at the venom in his voice, he didn't show any compassion or understanding when growing up which was pretty lousy.

If you yell sometimes when they do something really bad I'd say that's fine...that way they know if they cross the line too much they are in for it. But for little things, that's not cool

ennis81

YOU ARE NOT A BAD MOTHER
I understand how you feel, the most DIFFICULT job in the world is being a mammy and we ALL lose it sometimes, and its very stressful with a new baby aswell, my child didn't sleep for the first two yrs of her life and I nearly cracked up....she was soooo hyper it was like she had super power batteries!!!

You have to learn to recognise when you feel like your gonna lose it, put the little one in his room and WALK AWAY for a few minutes, deep breaths and calm yourself down, its all a learning process and yes it is hard.

Please don't be so hard on yourself, like someone else said if you were a bad mother you wouldn't be posting here because you would'nt care.

If your really struggling maybe you should try the anger management classes as someone suggested.

Take care

cafecolour

I'd second making sure you get a break every so often (have the husband mind the kids, get a baby sitter) to relax a bit. Increased exhaustion and frazzled nerves will make you lose your temper quicker.

Also, make sure you actually HAVE a punishment strategy for the two year-old - for instance a 'time out' (my parents made us 'sit on the stairs' when we were bad. You could have a chair in the corner.). Perhaps you are yelling since you don't have another plan.

When you have a punishment, role play/practice saying it - in a firm, serious but not angry/mean - manner. I.E. "XXXXXX - to the chair, now. You know you weren't supposed to do that." If you have a timer there so he can see how long he has to sit there, and it resets if he tries to leave.

Obviously, that's extremely simplified from reality, but another danger with shouting is that he is going to start only taking you 'seriously' when you do shout (i.e. "Mommy isn't really mad, she hasn't shouted yet."

bubbaloo

I can totally relate to what you are saying as I went throught a similar situation when I had my little boy. With a 3 month old baby in the house, odds are you're not getting much sleep??
As my hubby used to say, sleep depravation used to be a form of torture!
It can mess with your mind, and once you add that to a massive drop in hormones, you've got yourself one exhausted and angry lady!
Don't blame yourself. You have come here looking for advice so that says you care about your actions and your children.
I would suggest talking to your doctor - just to get his opinion.
Good luck.

Nevyn

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LegacyUser

you can refer yourself to your community psychology service. they can give you help on parenting or any issues you are having yourself.

Miss Fluff

You've only had a baby recently, go easy on yourself. I think you should go and talk to your GP and tell them how you're feeling.

MissFlitworth

+1 for going to your GP. You are not an unfit or a bad mother, it definitely sounds like you need some help though. Try not to be so hard on yourself, you're going through a rough patch but you are aware that something isn't right and it will not last forever. Drop into your GP as soon as you can

LegacyUser

Hi, op here - thanks for the replies.
I'm feeling a little more positive today, although I know I'm a tickig time bomb. My general personality is that I am 'normal' for a while, and then get depressed/irritable for a day. I am determined to be a good mother to my kids.
I might try the anger management classes. My only fear is that I'd be in a roomfull of men and that I'd be judged - but of course for the sake of my kids I think I could just manage that! I will look them up.
As for the childcare itself - I know the theory - I've read so many books, and tried time out and taking deep breaths etc. The boy will sit on time out, and sometimes it gives me a chance to calm down a bit, but every now and then I do be rough dragging him to time out ( not enough to hurt him, but he would obviously get that mammy is not calm). I must use that more though, as I've kind of let it slip lately.
I am on maternity leave, and get out as much as I can to meet friends for playdates etc. The problem is that my mood can change very quick over something silly. Like bad weather, messy house and a pukey baby might have me a bit down, and then something the older boy does would tip me over the edge, and I take it out on him. I feel awful even saying it.
@ unknown friend: I do agree to an extent, that I think my personality clashes with the older boy. I can clash quite easily with people as I'm impatient, and he has a similar fiery spirit. Not liking him would be too much though. I do like him, and he has my imagination and he makes me laugh. Of course when he grates on me, I don't be feeling the love for him at that point in time.
@cafecolour: the role playing tip seems a good idea. I think I need to work on my tone of voice, as it seems the boy really only responds when you ask nicely, and not when you moan/shout whine. ( of cours who would blame him). The more I get angry, the more he acts up and test me, and the angrier I get. I feel like I am failing at the first hurdle kids throw at parents.
@bubbaloo. As I am breastfeeding, the baby wakes often and I don't sleep much at night. My husband again helps a lot - even at night, but I'm a demon without sleep. I wonder sometimes if I was right thinking I could cope with kids!
@eddison, thanks for your suggestion. I will try listening to my favourite music - as that does tend to relax calm me.

As I am still feeling guilty today from the other day I am being a 'model' mother. At least I am not loosing my temper. My real test will come when I get in a bad mood again. I just hope I can discipline him calmly when that day comes.

Thank you.

eddison

Hi

I'm not going to call you what you called yourself, as that is a disgraceful thing to call ones self- yes, I am giving out to you !
If you have taken the time to read books, then you are a good mother. If you keep referring to yourself as unfitblah blah etc etc. You will brainwash yourself into believing it. Why? because you mean it! Don't do this to yourself. You know what they say- be careful what you wish for, it might come true. There are bad wishes, and good wishes. Calling ones self a name is a form of wishing. You really do not want to go there, as you will become unfit purely by wishing it. Try calling yourself 'Good, kind, peaceful Mother' you never know, it just might work. 40 times at night, and 40 in the morning, and with conviction.

The other point is that society places huge pressure on you. Most of that pressure is on you being 'correct', and 'good' and 'calm'.
There is not much literature about your right to a peaceful life. One with children who are well behaved, and respectful towards their parents.
Now empower- You have sacrificed a truly phenomenal amount of your freedom, and life for your children.
I know you love them, but the fact still stand- you have made an enormous sacrifice. Also, you have given a spirit, the opportunity to live, and learn on this earth. This is literally priceless. so don't be down on yourself because you discipline you child in a somewhat irritated way- this is completely natural, considering what you have given up.

Please do not underestimate the power of gentle meditation exercises.
It would be quite easy to dismiss meditation, but it is much more powerful than you can possibly imagine.

foxinsox

Hi OP,

As others have suggested I also agree you should have a visit to your doctor and tell him/her how you are feeling.

As a 40yr + woman myself, I cannot emphasise enough the peril inflicted on women through hormone levels being a bit unbalanced.

Best of luck