Paranoid in relationship..

LegacyUser · 24-01-2011 9:27pm #1

Hi People..

So I met this girl before christmas, we've been getting on pretty well with dates etc. I even went to visit her across the country recently. All in all, been together just a little over a month now..

Everything goes fine but from time to time, last week or so.. when she txts me she is very blunt and sends shorts texts and doesn't include any smilies, she also doesn't even bother to answer all my questions... usually her texts are long and thoughtful and with lots of smilies.

My problem is that I haven't really been in a serious relationship before, and when this happens I just freak out. Thinking she has lost interest in the relationship.. Sometimes I get paranoid and even ask her, she says things are fine.. In fairness, the last time we met up she said she wouldn't be sitting next to me if she had lost interest.

I know she is entitled to be preoccupied when I text her and not give 100% I just can't help but think things are cooling off..

I'm really going to try and keep this to myself from now on as i'm sure it would freak her out.. Also, out of interest, how often is ok for texting since we only see each other at weekends. 1-2 sessions per mon-fri or more?

Any advice on how to handle these issues would be great as I really like this girl..i'd be devistated if things ended so soon.

Thanks.

Gunslinger92 · 24-01-2011 10:30pm

Sounds quite like me, my first and current relationship was long distance at first, texting was our main form of contact.

I got paranoid about this too. And there was never any need for it. She could just be busy or having a bad day, or in some cases, maybe something is bothering her, something small, like school/college work or something.

I do it myself sometimes, send short texts lacking in smilies, but it doesn't mean anything at all

Don't worry

And people will probably think this is mad, my friends thought so anyway, but my boyfriend and I text 24/7 when we were long distance

LegacyUser · 24-01-2011 10:49pm

Yea, I suppose there's nothing to worry about.. just annoys the way I overanalyse everything.

We txt'd briefly this evening.. i'm going to refrain from txting her for the rest of the week and wait for her to text me. I don't usually do this and it seems ridiculously childish but I think it will be a good way to gauge interest as things are still in the "giving it a go" stage.

If I don't get anything by the weekend then is this grounds for alarm and should I air my concerns?

Thanks.

LegacyUser · 25-01-2011 4:49am

Op i'm gona give a womans perspective here, i don't mean to be harsh but if i was seeing a guy for a month and he was STILL only texting me and hadn't bothered to pick up the phone and ring me, then i'd be cooling off on the texting too to be honest! I'd be thinking that you weren't really into me if you couldn't even have a conversation over the phone with me, you cannot have a proper conversation by text. If you want to keep the relationship going you're gona have progress a lot on the communication front, pick up the phone and call the poor girl. Also i can almost guarentee you that if you stop texting her you won't hear from her again, you're making no effort to communicate properly with her as it is (Texting is so lazy and non commital) that if you do she'll just assume you've completely lost interest in her altogether!!

TommyKnocker · 25-01-2011 8:45am

paranoid123 wrote: »

Yea, I suppose there's nothing to worry about.. just annoys the way I overanalyse everything.

We txt'd briefly this evening.. i'm going to refrain from txting her for the rest of the week and wait for her to text me. I don't usually do this and it seems ridiculously childish but I think it will be a good way to gauge interest as things are still in the "giving it a go" stage.

If I don't get anything by the weekend then is this grounds for alarm and should I air my concerns?

Thanks.

Honestly IMO this is just game playing and would not be a route I would advise going dowm tbh.

You give no indication of your ages or whether you GF is in school/college/work etc and worrying over short texts, missing x's and smilies is just crazy, but leads me to believe that you may be teenagers?

Maybe your GF is replying with short texts to avoid leaving long periods between replies and doesn't have the time to write long texts or maybe she is busy/under pressure etc.

Makes you wonder how folks managed in the days before mobile phones and SMS messaging

Package · 25-01-2011 11:29am

you sound to me to be a bit pushy and a bit eager.

if i was with a girl only one month and only see her at weekend, yet she kept asking me was i still interested and whats wrong and why dont you put smiles in your texts and why why why whyh why

i have to say, i would be a little bit put off too. just relax, play it cool, dont stand on her toes and see how it goes

LegacyUser · 25-01-2011 12:49pm

Op i'm gona give a womans perspective here, i don't mean to be harsh but if i was seeing a guy for a month and he was STILL only texting me and hadn't bothered to pick up the phone and ring me, then i'd be cooling off on the texting too to be honest! I'd be thinking that you weren't really into me if you couldn't even have a conversation over the phone with me, you cannot have a proper conversation by text. If you want to keep the relationship going you're gona have progress a lot on the communication front, pick up the phone and call the poor girl. Also i can almost guarentee you that if you stop texting her you won't hear from her again, you're making no effort to communicate properly with her as it is (Texting is so lazy and non commital) that if you do she'll just assume you've completely lost interest in her altogether!!

I couldn't agree with you more.. I was thinking the same thing before. I said that the next time we were txting and she seemed in a good mood I was gonna suggest calling her on the phone because I was tired of texting..

Honestly IMO this is just game playing and would not be a route I would advise going dowm tbh.

You give no indication of your ages or whether you GF is in school/college/work etc and worrying over short texts, missing x's and smilies is just crazy, but leads me to believe that you may be teenagers?

Maybe your GF is replying with short texts to avoid leaving long periods between replies and doesn't have the time to write long texts or maybe she is busy/under pressure etc.

Makes you wonder how folks managed in the days before mobile phones and SMS messaging

I don't intend on playing games. I hate that crap tbh. I just don't want to over txt her and come across as clingy/annoying.

We are both in out early 20's.. She is acting her age but i'm being a little childish about the whole thing. Mainly because I haven't been in a serious relationship before and i'm just freaking out that this one will end before it gets serious.

I agree, this has happened twice (over the last few days) but she has said it's because she was busy/tired etc.. Not that I asked straight up.. I just said suggesteted that she didn't seem herself, which was true.

you sound to me to be a bit pushy and a bit eager.

if i was with a girl only one month and only see her at weekend, yet she kept asking me was i still interested and whats wrong and why dont you put smiles in your texts and why why why whyh why

i have to say, i would be a little bit put off too. just relax, play it cool, dont stand on her toes and see how it goes

I probably seem a little eager/pushy tbh.. I just really like her and want her to know that.. I haven't kep asking her why why why etc.. I just asked her were things ok on two seperate ocassions, mainly because things had taken a slight change and I was beginning to freak out, again.. I know very childish!! :-(

I am trying my hardest not to stand on her toes. And I think not texting until she does is a good idea.. maybe i'll txt her on thursday or something if I don't hear from her.

I suppose my biggest problem is that I want to keep things alive 24/7 and i'm constantly overanalysing everything. I feel that if things die down for a couple of days then it's the end of everything.. I have to take into consideration that she is quite busy in college at the moment and i'm just idle at home for another week or so anyway!

I would usually seek advice here but I suppose it's simple really.. Just chill the f*** out. Things will go the way they go. If the relationship is fading (she's losing interest) then that's whats happening, if not then that's fine. No point in my trying to intervene and save something that might not even be dead as this complete lack of confidence is surely a major turn off for her.

What do you guys/gals think?

Thanks.

Oh and thanks for the replies so far, really helping me :-)

Sinfonia · 25-01-2011 1:48pm

paranoid123 wrote: »

I am trying my hardest not to stand on her toes. And I think not texting until she does is a good idea.. maybe i'll txt her on thursday or something if I don't hear from her.

Don't purposely refrain from texting her. Just text her when you've actually got something worth saying, and don't worry if she doesn't get back to you straight away etc. Don't place too much importance on the text: if you were actually talking, the conversation would move a lot quicker and you wouldn't notice/be able to analyse individual sentences like you might with texting.

I suppose my biggest problem is that I want to keep things alive 24/7 and i'm constantly overanalysing everything. I feel that if things die down for a couple of days then it's the end of everything.. I have to take into consideration that she is quite busy in college at the moment and i'm just idle at home for another week or so anyway!

This is the main problem I think. An hour seems like forever to you because you're doing nothing, while it might fly by for her because she's busy. It would be helpful for you to find something to keep you busy and distract your attention.

I would usually seek advice here but I suppose it's simple really.. Just chill the f*** out. Things will go the way they go. If the relationship is fading (she's losing interest) then that's whats happening, if not then that's fine. No point in my trying to intervene and save something that might not even be dead as this complete lack of confidence is surely a major turn off for her.

Exactly. It can be hard to do though (I've been there). Eventually you'll chill out about it naturally, but in the meantime just try your best!

pencilsharp · 25-01-2011 7:13pm

paranoid123 wrote: »

Yea, I suppose there's nothing to worry about.. just annoys the way I overanalyse everything.

We txt'd briefly this evening.. i'm going to refrain from txting her for the rest of the week and wait for her to text me. I don't usually do this and it seems ridiculously childish but I think it will be a good way to gauge interest as things are still in the "giving it a go" stage.

If I don't get anything by the weekend then is this grounds for alarm and should I air my concerns?

Thanks.

I had a similar problem with the guy i've started seeing and was getting paranoid too. I was texting and was only getting short texts back or infrequent texts. Eventually I got so paranoid about it that I had to ask him! I lay all my cards on the table and he admitted he simply doesn't like texting, that he finds it impersonal maybe this is your girlfriends problem too! You should just come out and ask her because my relationship has gotten better. My paranoia is gone and instead of texting we ring each other and send the odd text every now and then-its really strenghtened our relationship!

LegacyUser · 26-01-2011 12:06am

Don't purposely refrain from texting her. Just text her when you've actually got something worth saying, and don't worry if she doesn't get back to you straight away etc. Don't place too much importance on the text: if you were actually talking, the conversation would move a lot quicker and you wouldn't notice/be able to analyse individual sentences like you might with texting.

Well it's not that I want to refrain from txting, I just want to give her space if she's busy and don't want to seem clingy.. I suppose that if we txt too much maybe it will get monotonous and conversations will always have the same content.

I had a similar problem with the guy i've started seeing and was getting paranoid too. I was texting and was only getting short texts back or infrequent texts. Eventually I got so paranoid about it that I had to ask him! I lay all my cards on the table and he admitted he simply doesn't like texting, that he finds it impersonal maybe this is your girlfriends problem too! You should just come out and ask her because my relationship has gotten better. My paranoia is gone and instead of texting we ring each other and send the odd text every now and then-its really strenghtened our relationship!

I'm actually the one who finds it impersonal but it's ok in the early stages of the relationship. I agree that we need to move on and pick up the phone! I also know she doesn't mind txting because she has free txts and has said she just txts all the time..

I've been also freaking out over the fact that she has been on facebook the same time as me over the past while..i've seen her online when I go on but she disappears shortly after. She's obviously still online because I can see her commenting stuff posting msgs etc..

I have no reason to feel like this because the last time we met up she was all upbeat etc.. I just feel that she's blowing hot and cold.. also, I have an inkling that it might be her time in the month.. sorry to be crude and I know this sounds awful childish of me but, does this have an effect on some girls.. like do I need to give extra space etc or what?

She seems kinda weird with me but I see her having the craic with other guys over fb..this kind of bothers me to be honest! Should it?

I suppose at this stage i've gotten my advice.. It just helps for me to write about it. I suppose the main reason for this paranoia is that I really want this relationship to work..I think it's about time to start getting serious because if things don't get moving in the next few years I feel i'll be left behind and end up on my own..that's my biggest worry really as I have been burned by my "childhood friends circle" and feel alone these past few years..

Ok, rant over.. thanks so much for reading!!

LegacyUser · 26-01-2011 5:25pm

Hey Guys,

I'm just going to finish off this post and get the final bit of upset off my chest!

So, it turns out I was correct about my worries over the past few days! I got a txt earlier from said girl and she told me it wasn't working out for her.. we just spoke on the phone and it's now well and truely over..

I must say I am gutted to say the least.. She said she had realised over the past few days that she didn't want anything serious right now.. I don't really believe this as she is a relationship type girl. I am pretty sure its down to me and the way I was when I spent some time with her recently.. I feel that I came across as being a little bit awkward etc..

I'm absolutely gutted that I am the reason this has ended. The exact same thing happened with my last relationship and now I fear that I won't every be able to connect with somebody and for a strong relationship.

I'm going to meet this girl over the next few days as she has to return something to me. I really feel like I should try and patch things up. I also feel like telling her the reason I have an "emotional guard" up around people and it's the reason I am a bit strange sometimes. Maybe I should just keep all that to myself..and save myself the hassle as this is over now..

Also, the last time we met I told the girl about incidents in my past that involved the guards etc and other things that happened when I was drunk. Do you guys think I should've kept these things to myself..?? Do you think this would give a girl the wrong impression of me in general and possible send her running the other direction?

I know that knowbody has replied since I last wrote here.. I'd really appreciate if people could reply with something and at least acknowledge my posts.

I feel extremely low now and i'm going to find it hard to distract myself for the evening as there is nobody else around that I can talk to about this..

Thanks in advance everybody, this form is great.

LegacyUser · 26-01-2011 7:08pm

Hi OP,

I also recently started seeing a girl that I really like. Since we first started going out she has moved to another city so we go two weeks at a time without seeing each other.

Up until recently I was going through the exact same turmoil as yourself. I found that I was instigating all of the e-mailing and texting and would then read far too much into her replies. In my case she told me that she didn't like talking on the phone so this was my only way of communicating with her.

If I sent her an e-mail I'd be stressing out until I received a reply and then if it was too short I'd start letting my imagination run riot. However whenever I met up with her things were always amazing. Since we can talk about anything, I brought up my paranoia and doubts and she simply said that she doesn't really like e-mailing and texting and would prefer to see me in person more often.

That conversation completely killed my paranoia and now I'm totally ok with not communicating with her for a few days.

Don't listen to the monsters in your head OP. If you're solid when you meet up then I think that's the most important thing.

thefeatheredcat · 26-01-2011 8:25pm

Sorry to hear that OP

paranoid123 wrote: »

I am pretty sure its down to me and the way I was when I spent some time with her recently.. I feel that I came across as being a little bit awkward etc..
I'm absolutely gutted that I am the reason this has ended. The exact same thing happened with my last relationship and now I fear that I won't every be able to connect with somebody and for a strong relationship.

don't be so hard on yourself - don't blame yourself, and even if you did come across awkward, she didn't stick around long enough to get to know you better and if anything she should be kicking herself as she's missing out! In any case, you can't possibly know if anything you said or did is the reason, but don't start analysing that and making yourself feel worse.

paranoid123 wrote: »

I feel extremely low now and i'm going to find it hard to distract myself for the evening as there is nobody else around that I can talk to about this..

Have you anyone that you can call to talk or communicate with how you're feeling?

Be kind to yourself and love yourself and care for yourself - this is what matters right now for you. Don't waste valuable energy with her, but do get the emotions out of you while they're still raw, you'll feel better.

Just keep thinking: Onwards and upwards. For all you know, while it may not seem like it, there might just be something better waiting for you.

LegacyUser · 27-01-2011 1:22pm

hey thefeatheredcat,

Thanks for the kind reply.. I've woken again today feeling worse than I did yesterday. I've been thinking things through and it's becoming more and more obvious that it was my fault..when I met her friends I was quite shy etc.. this is down to bad experiences with people in the past. I tend to be quite shy and keep to myself around people I don't know. This seems to send out a weird vibe and people can pick up on my feelings..as a result this girls friends obviously didn't give positive feedback. I've heard from a mutual friend that this girl does really care about what her friends think. She even told me that I impressed the most important person of all..her best friend.

I obviously didn't do well in the next round though as things went cold straight after that.. also, the next day of meeting her (i stayed overnight) I was getting the cold vibe from her so then I began to shutdown (emotionally) with her and started getting paranoid..she picked up on this also..

I'm going to have to meet up with this girl this weekend or next to get something from her.. it's going to be so painful for me.. I really want to explain the reasons for the way I am and that I am a nice guy if people get to know me.. I have such a deep desire to try and patch request she gives things another go.. But I know I probably shouldn't as this will make me look pathetic and desperate.

Yesterday evening I spent the evening on facebook and chatted to one or two people I told one of them about the situation but didn't really express how I was really feeling.. I was having councilling sessions before and I have organised another visit for next week. I hope this session will help me clear my head and get her out of my system..

I've been trying to do stuff this morning to keep busy but every so often I just kind of break down a little and cry for a few minutes. I think this is mainly because I'm worried I can't get serious with somebody and hold down a serious relationship.. I fear now that I could end up alone through my best years. Obviously I miss this girl too like crazy but that will pass.. it's the bigger picture i'm worried about, me, that is!!

I'm just so miserable today but i'll try and get through it.

Thanks for the advice and thoughts..

thefeatheredcat · 27-01-2011 7:29pm

OP you're welcome

Firstly, no matter what you think it's not your fault. It's fair to claim responsibility but there's two people in this equation, one of them being you.

People perceive things differently... to one person a shy person may seem stand offish or quiet, which can be perceived negatively; however to others it can be perceived as a good thing, in not needing to be the centre of attention (and therefore secure in themselves) and even mysterious and alluring. It really depends on a person's individual perception.

It's both a good thing and bad thing that she took on board what her friends think, it's good if its positive, but its an issue if what her friends think is more important than what she herself thinks. Ok they may know her, put everyone has their own instincts and feelings as well as experience and wisdom to call upon when judging a situation for themselves. The difference between each situation is one's own wisdom and confidence in themselves.

paranoid123 wrote: »

I obviously didn't do well in the next round though as things went cold straight after that.. also, the next day of meeting her (i stayed overnight) I was getting the cold vibe from her so then I began to shutdown (emotionally) with her and started getting paranoid..she picked up on this also..

was there any communication on this particular issue between ye? That's something worth talking about where probing and understanding can be useful tools imo.

As for meeting her.... use reverse psychology in putting up a positive front. You don't owe her an explanation to the person that you are or why you are the way you are... she could have found this out naturally by getting to know you better.

I can't advise on giving things another go - that could go either way, but I would advice use your instincts to decide on that at the time.

Do what you can to heal yourself; Talk it out and do what you must to be at peace again and to being happy again. Worry about yourself for now and that is what is most important is you right now. Put yourself first in everything that you do.

paranoid123 wrote: »

I've been trying to do stuff this morning to keep busy but every so often I just kind of break down a little and cry for a few minutes.

This is natural, so don't be worried about feeling this way, regardless for the cause. And yes these feelings will pass, in time.

Rather than focusing on worrying about being alone, focus on fulfilling your potential and what you want out of life. Think positively and get yourself feeling good and happy again, because it's truly worth it.

LegacyUser · 27-01-2011 8:07pm

was there any communication on this particular issue between ye?

Well, there was before the second round. She told me I impressed her best friend.

After I met her college mates/roomies.. there was nothing really. But i've been told (someone else) she would care a lot about their opinions. She also did say to me that if I couldn't get on with her friends then she would begin to wonder about things because they're good judges of character etc..

This is what is really hurting me.. the fact that a third party(ies) has put these doubts in her head. Right before I visited her she was all chirpy right up to when she got alone time with the girls.. then after things went downhill..and fast!

I feel cheated here and that I was rushed to meet her friends... I feel that the two of us as a couple were doing great!! So upset it's over now..

Also, sorry I didn't mention this yet but there was also an issue of things being too physical etc.. By that I mean sex etc.. After being too physical early on in the relationship she wanted to slow things down and get rid of the physical aspect for a while..I liked the idea of it too as I wanted things to be special and not for the fun of it!!

Saying all of this, I did find it hard to adapt to no physical stuff and maybe I was a little pushy in discussing the area.. I wasn't really sure what was off limits and what wasn't..

This is something I worry had cause her to be uncomfortable as she might've thought all I wanted was sex from her..
--

When I meet her next i'm just going to explain the way I am and about the few concerns I mentioned above. I really don't want to but when i'm sitting next to her I know full well that i'm going to request giving things another go.. I also know she won't want this.

The pain is going to be delayed until I meet her again and then possibly a few days after. Hopefully i'll get over it then..

Fingers crossed..

Thanks for all the help and kind advice on looking after myself.. i'll try my best to put myself first and keep things positive. I know it's hard but i'll try to keep distracted and hopefully i'll be ok..

THANKS!!

thefeatheredcat · 27-01-2011 9:48pm

paranoid123 wrote: »

After I met her college mates/roomies.. there was nothing really. But i've been told (someone else) she would care a lot about their opinions. She also did say to me that if I couldn't get on with her friends then she would begin to wonder about things because they're good judges of character etc..

It would only be relevant (imo) if they have spent equal time with you in the way she did, but I would imagine she would have given some details to her friends to advise and guide. Some people do rely on their friends to make the call rather than investing a bit of energy themselves to find out if it can work and if indeed the feelings run deep enough. It's easy for a person to be on the outside of a situation and judge it as they see it, and sometimes that's what's needed to get a different perspective.

There's no harm in slowing down the more intimate side of things, that can be a good thing, just make sure in future you know where the boundaries are.

Gauge the situation when you meet up to get the item returned to you and see what is possible. It may be better for your own peace of mind and healing to know for sure.

Best of luck whatever happens...and no matter what happens, stay positive and keep thinking positive things, especially about yourself.

Paranoid in relationship..

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