Am I the rebound

LegacyUser

I've been seeing a great guy for three months. Everything is great and I'm really happy when I'm with him. We're late thirties. I found out at the weekend that he only came out of a two year relationship two months before he met me. We didn't discuss it after that. He hasn't mentioned it before. I feel two months is not a long time and I'm worried that I may be the rebound girl! I know I should discuss it with him (or maybe not).

Has anybody any experience of getting together with somebody so soon after a longish relationship. Me, personally I don't think I could do that! I need at least six months to sort my head out between relationships and my last relationship was two years ago.

I met him in a pub one night and we hit it off. He's very kind to me, we have similar sense of humour and shared interests in hobbies etc.

I'm finding it unnerving to be honest that a) he hasn't mentioned it at all up until now. Also he lives with his parents so I've never stayed with him.....which I found strange for a man in his thirties but didn't want to press him on it because, I guess, we were only getting to know each other and all would be revealed eventually.

I suppose I should face the music and find out what the story is but how do I gently go about asking him how they broke up etc Do people think its important that I know or is it any of my business?

And do rebound relationships ever work?

Thanks guys

bigjohnny80

Course they work. Just take it easy and don't fret too much.

Katgurl

If you weren't worried otherwise I would not be concerned.

Two years isn't a hugely long time - they might not have been particularly close.

It might take you six months to get over a relationship but we are all different so he could be well over it. In fact, it might have been over before it was officially over.

However that still doesn't mean you're not entitled to ask him some questions around what he wants from a relationship etc.

I am a friend

Katgurl wrote: »

Two years isn't a hugely long time - they might not have been particularly close.

Well it is when you are in your late 30's... I would proceed with caution. He may be one of these guys who swaps one long term relationship for the next and never commits ot anyone (why is he living at home??)... You should just ask about his relaitonship history. No need to tip toe around him. Why is he actually livng at home? Were they living together and if not, are there financial loose ends tying himself and his ex which may have a future (if ye are together long term) affect on what you can plan for your life.

All out in the open and then you can make a choice about him and not waste your time. TBH, if I was just out of a 2 year relationship and seeing someone new, i would have thought the subject would have come up pretty early on...

brenda2

Run for the hills. Red flags everywhere.

I am a friend

Just saw it's 3 months - it should definitey have been talked about by now. Just ask but if it's like my ex he just goes from one to the next.

Peanut2011

IMO it would depend very much on how the last relationship ended. If they drifted apart long before they broke up that is one thing. If he broke it off that is another, however if she broke off with him out of the blue, that could be the problematic one.

Either way, the best way is to talk about it, but in most cases 2 months are a bit too soon for serious talk!

LegacyUser

OP here

Thanks for replies guys.

My gut instinct tells me to be very careful. I actually was awake for ages getting stressed about it last night......and then woke up to a really nice text from him this morning.

I'm really enjoying the relationship so I don't want to be too abrupt and just finish it.

However, I have a niggling feeling that he may have told me some white lies re why he is living at home etc. Because he originally told me he was renting but was re assessing the situation. I didn't press this because it came up in the second or third date!

Part of me says - fair enough - we were just getting to know each other and he didn't want to get into heavy conversations about exes and the past. I'd feel the same.

But the fact that it was only the end of the summer that they broke up is freaking me out.

I guess I'll have to ask him....for my own peace of mind.

ANyone any ideas how I should go about this? I don't want to seem confrontational or the conversation to get too uncomfortable.

I agree with Peanut though........if she suddenly broke it off.....I should probably get out of the relationship for my own sake...(even though I do really like him)

Is it fair enough to ask the following questions straight out after three months gently if possible?

Why did you break up?
Who broke up with who?
Are you still in contact?
How come you're still living with your parents?

How do I ask these questions without sounding too concerned and or putting too much pressure on him.

To be honest if he is genuinely into me, as he appears to be, I'm happy to stay with him.
I've met his friends and he introduced me to some of his family very early on (after a month, which took me by surprise).

I suppose I should add, that I am very insecure in relationships. In my last relationship And previous relationships unfortunately, all the warning signs that I was being constantly lied to were there, but I just kept hanging on. I've been really wary of relationships ever since the last one and I guess I don't want my paranoia taking over, when I could actually be on to a good thing.

Thanks for reading and commenting guys. Its great to hear some neutral voices....

G86

Katgurl wrote: »

In fact, it might have been over before it was officially over.

+1 to this. You won't know the in's and out's of it til you ask him though. Also, the living at home would ring alarm bells for me too. Of course it's your business, you're in a relationship with the guy, you're entitled to ask.

mood

You have a right to ask. In fact it would be foolish not to. If he ends the relationship with you because you asked about his recent ex or about his living situation then he has issues.

curlzy

Hey OP,

I didn't read all the posts so I'm sorry if this has already been covered. Anyway, my story: I was with a guy for 5 years, broke up, got with current boyfriend less than 2 months later. That was 4 and a half years ago. We're living together and planning a future together, marraige, kids etc. So yeah some people might call my bf a rebound but the truth is I love him more than anyone I've ever met, he's the best person in the world and I would literally kill for him. So yeah in my opinion rebound relationships can work. Maybe it worked for us because he's very confident in himself and never felt the need to ask much about the previous bf, so it never became an issue. Don't let your paranoia ruin this relationship, he's with you, because he wants to be.

EDIT: Sorry just read over the thread, yeah it's totally ok to ask for some clarifications, just don't let it snowball in your head until you asking yourself stupid questions like; did he like her more than me, is she better looking than me etc. Just ask the questions that matter, like the ones you listed above.

Loopsie

i know everyone is different in how they deal with break ups and relationships
I was with a guy for over 2 years, we broke up very horribly in jan last year and i met my current other half 3 weeks later at a party, there is no doubt in my mind that he is 'the one'
There was no rebound, he had only just broken up with someone also
Just goes to show

I am a friend

Its no harm to say 'so how come you are still single?'. Said in the right tone it could be taken as a compliment but you need to know and the longer you leave it, the more you will be bursting to know.

LegacyUser

OP here again!

Thanks so much everyone for all your advice and kind words. Loopsie and Curlzy ...its so wonderful that everything worked out for you guys. I take it though....that you told your boyfriends from the beginning about your previous relationships. I find it worrying that it took him three months to drop the bombshell.....but then again, like you've all said, I may need to calm down and stop worrying so much.

I'll have to talk to him when I see him next, which will probably be the weekend. I'm really dreading it though, as the more I think about it, the more I realise just how messed up I am in my own head. I bet all my insecurities are about to come flowing out, where as up until now I've been very good at giving the impression that I'm Miss Super Confident.

I guess if its meant to be he'll take me warts and all and I vice versa.

I'm just so fed up of my own anxiety creating a massive drama out of everything.......but at the same time I believe I've every reason to wonder what is going on.... and thanks for affirming that Mood, g86 and Curlzy. I know this might sound crazy but all day I've already convinced myself that he will reject me. How's that for self esteem? Funny, in every other aspect in life I'm very capable. But in relationships I'm so insecure and anxious.

I'm better off knowing where I stand now and making a decision from there. I don't want to spend another year of my life believing I'm in a healthy relationship, when its clear to everyone else but me, that I'm not !

Its good to hear everyones comments. I'll let you know how I get on. I was just thinking he asked me at the weekend could we meet more often ( and added that we both have high sex drives so it makes sense). I would love to see him more often, but my wariness of his unclear situation made me say 'lets just take it slowly'. So I wasn't being honest with him either about how I'm feeling.

Apologies. I know this is all the place.....guess i'm just trying to figure it all out myself. I'm a disaster, I know!!!

LegacyUser

Op again

Great idea I am a friend. I love the positive joky...but I'm serious at the same time....approach

Only thing is....if he asks me the same question...I'll have to explain how f***ed up I am!!! lol!

I am a friend

Rebound wrote: »

Op again

Great idea I am a friend. I love the positive joky...but I'm serious at the same time....approach

Only thing is....if he asks me the same question...I'll have to explain how f***ed up I am!!! lol!

Well you need to learn to control your 'issues' for your own sake more than anything. I think when you are not with the right person (sorry) the issues can be reinforced but if its a healthy relationship, there is no need for worry...