Me, Anne and Barry

LegacyUser

Myself and my GF broke up 3 months ago, mutual thing, we fell out of love, still friends and all that stuff, we are definitely finished and I’m happy with that. Barry and his GF broke up 5 or so months ago, not too sure if they are finished, and there’s talk of them getting back together. Myself and Barry are good friends, and Barry has a friend named Anne who I’ve always noticed and liked. I never really talked to her, but I always say hello and be nice to her. I was with my GF while id be around her, and I try not to talk to other girls that I don’t really know encase it comes across like I’m flirting or something.

Barry and Anne are old friends, the kind of friends that you would have expected to be a couple at some point, but they haven’t ever been that way. Last week I was hanging out with Barry and I was talking about Anne a little, nothing too obvious that I was interested in her. Regular conversation, I’m not the type of bloke to make my business known, and I’m far from a ladies’ man... I try to be subtle with girls and I’d never say to the lads I was interested in someone or anything.

So a friend came back from oz and there was a big group out over the weekend, as a welcome home type thing. Barry and Anne were there too, I got talking to Anne and really enjoyed her company for the brief period of time that Barry was in the toilets and getting a drink at the bar. Allot of eye contact and laughing, I’m not saying there were flirtations, but it was a very pleasant experience for me, more than the usual, and I’m sure she was on the same wave length. Anne had to go early and Barry took her out to a cab. When he got back he said to me that Anne mentioned me and that I was a nice guy and that she usually finds it hard to talk to people etc... This obviously made me really happy and gave me some hope for asking her out. A few drinks later however myself and Barry were yapping away and out of nowhere he says he’s interested in Anne.

My heart sank.

Obviously I can’t do anything now. Just wondering what other people would do in this situation and what their views are on it.

Wompa1

ahhhwelll wrote: »

Myself and my GF broke up 3 months ago, mutual thing, we fell out of love, still friends and all that stuff, we are definitely finished and I’m happy with that. Barry and his GF broke up 5 or so months ago, not too sure if they are finished, and there’s talk of them getting back together. Myself and Barry are good friends, and Barry has a friend named Anne who I’ve always noticed and liked. I never really talked to her, but I always say hello and be nice to her. I was with my GF while id be around her, and I try not to talk to other girls that I don’t really know encase it comes across like I’m flirting or something.

Barry and Anne are old friends, the kind of friends that you would have expected to be a couple at some point, but they haven’t ever been that way. Last week I was hanging out with Barry and I was talking about Anne a little, nothing too obvious that I was interested in her. Regular conversation, I’m not the type of bloke to make my business known, and I’m far from a ladies’ man... I try to be subtle with girls and I’d never say to the lads I was interested in someone or anything.

So a friend came back from oz and there was a big group out over the weekend, as a welcome home type thing. Barry and Anne were there too, I got talking to Anne and really enjoyed her company for the brief period of time that Barry was in the toilets and getting a drink at the bar. Allot of eye contact and laughing, I’m not saying there were flirtations, but it was a very pleasant experience for me, more than the usual, and I’m sure she was on the same wave length. Anne had to go early and Barry took her out to a cab. When he got back he said to me that Anne mentioned me and that I was a nice guy and that she usually finds it hard to talk to people etc... This obviously made me really happy and gave me some hope for asking her out. A few drinks later however myself and Barry were yapping away and out of nowhere he says he’s interested in Anne.

My heart sank.

Obviously I can’t do anything now. Just wondering what other people would do in this situation and what their views are on it.

If you value your friendship you'd best step aside, it sounds like maybe he's been laying the ground work. Which sounds crudge but that's what he was doing, dishonest to his girlfriend really but there ya go.

LegacyUser

it sounds to me like once she showed an interest in you, he decided he wanted her.

LegacyUser

Tricky one, but having been in a similar situation before I wouldn't be surprised if your mate is cock-blocking you. He's hung around with her for years, had every opportunity to make his move and do something and yet somehow he never has. In fact, he's never even mentioned that he's interested in her in anything other than friendship until you make it clear that you fancy her and she reciprocates.

But he's your mate, so fair dues, what I'd do it give him a time-frame. He knows you're interested in her and he claims he is too, but will he actually do anything about it, or is he just trying to keep you away from her. In you're situation, I'd say to him - fair enough we both like her, so I'll step aside. Until the end of February. If he hasn't made his move by then, then in my book she's fair game. He knows he's way too deep in the friendzone to ever have any chance of getting out, he won't do anything other than mope over her and prevent you and her from what could be something good.

Distorted

OP - I too think your friend Barry is only showing an interest in Ann because the two of you got on well together. He might have real interest in her but I think the deadline thing is a good thing to say to him because I don't think you're bound not to make a move on her, except out of politeness. Ann seems to be interested in you too, and also I would get any declerations as to interest or lack thereof in you straight from the horse's mouth...

Leapdog wrote: »

having been in a similar situation before I wouldn't be surprised if your mate is cock-blocking you.

Just wanted to say this is a great expression! Sometimes people can't control their jealousy related issues and don't want others to get together if they can possibly avoid it. I had a guy in my life (who turned out to have been gay all along but was very much in the closet) who would feign great interest in me only when other men were seriously interested, and basically do his best to put them off. (not suggesting there is anything like that here but what with Anne and Barry being such long term friends, he might feel quite possessive over her).

Bottle_of_Smoke

She's his friend, he's probably wary that if you got together everything would change between her and him and you and him. And he's right.

I'd just write this one off. I don't think this is a good starting position for a relationship. Perhaps when he gets a new girlfriend he won't feel jealous but pursuing her now could lead to disaster.

dub_3

Next time you see him ask him if he has asked Anne out.
If not ask if he's gonna do it soon.
Tell him if he's not interested, then you'd like to ask her out, But obviously you don't want to step on his toes.

Now he's been warned, he should either make his move, or say it's ok for you to go for it.

If he doesn't give you the all clear then wait a few weeks and say the exact same things to him again.

If necessary repeat again.

After that just ask her out, you've been more that helpful to him in giving advance warnings.

I would also suggest you try to engineer it so you can sell him the story that Anne asked you out, rather than it being the other way round.

Walls

Why doesn't Anne get a say? Who she goes out with just might be something she has an opinion on rather than being decided on by the pair of ye.

Taltos

I have to say I find your thinking very old fashioned and slightly insulting towards the woman in question here.

I am fairly certain she has the intelligence to be able to choose who she wants to see - or in this case who not.

This - I have dibs crap is just more than out-dated, next we are going to see guys offering a handkerchief as a token of interest...
<sigh>

Lormcd

If you value your friendship you'd best step aside, it sounds like maybe he's been laying the ground work. Which sounds crudge but that's what he was doing, dishonest to his girlfriend really but there ya go.

I agree with Wompa1. Maybe you should talk to Barry about it, and find out why he didn't mention this before? Has he always had these feelings? If so it it might be best to step aside.

discus

Taltos wrote: »

This - I have dibs crap is just more than out-dated, next we are going to see guys offering a handkerchief as a token of interest...
<sigh>

Dibs, bagsie, whatever you want to call it, it's about making it clear to a friend that you have intentions of asking her out. A sort of pre-emptive argument. Better to clear the air beforehand rather than trying to sort it out after the event.

LegacyUser

I think if Anne wanted Barry it would of happened by now. Try let Anne know you like her without it being obvious to Barry (if at all possible). She might ask you out. Do not chose Barry over Anne. I have done this twice for mates who I no longer have contact with and regret it. Its been more than twice but every time, I lost out.

curlzy

Eh hello this is a person we're talking about not a bloody car!!! What the hell?!?!?!? I think both of you should ask her out and see who she wants. Personally I hope she knocks you both back and gets with a man, not a boy :rolleyes:

LegacyUser

This - I have dibs crap is just more than out-dated, next we are going to see guys offering a handkerchief as a token of interest...

The dilemma is not about whether or not the OP should go out with the lady in question, its about whether he would offend his friend if he were to ask her out. There is a difference. If Anne in the meantime asked one of the two guys out, then fine - decision made. Alternatively, if Anne preferred to wait for one of the guys to approach her, I am quite sure she would decline whatever person she did not have interest in.

Eh hello this is a person we're talking about not a bloody car!!! What the hell?!?!?!? I think both of you should ask her out and see who she wants.

Yes, but unless they both ask her together, someone has to go first.

Personally, I agree with the posts above. Give your mate a chance first. Anne knows of your interest. If Anne is interested in you in return, she will decline and you will have your chance. If your mate succeeds, then that was her preference.

Ickle Magoo

curlzy wrote: »

Eh hello this is a person we're talking about not a bloody car!!! What the hell?!?!?!? I think both of you should ask her out and see who she wants. Personally I hope she knocks you both back and gets with a man, not a boy :rolleyes:

This thread is for offering the OP advice, not insulting them - if you have nothing constructive to add to the thread then kindly refrain from posting.

Taltos

quickresponseq wrote: »

Give your mate a chance first. Anne knows of your interest. If Anne is interested in you in return, she will decline and you will have your chance. If your mate succeeds, then that was her preference.

Totally disagree - just because they flirted does not mean she is interested. Also more telling the longer the OP waits the more convinced Anne will be that he is just not into her that way... Thus leaving the path open for his "mate" to make a move.
Seriously OP - life is not like the movies - if you like this girl - tell her - also tell Barry. If he is a mate he will understand - if not - well then maybe you are better off not knowing him.

I do think though you may need to look at behaviour here though - you are standing a great chance of blowing a potential relationship out of the water over outdated ideas (and a delay in acting). Not saying you should not be applauded for putting your mate first - but at the end of the day life is short and we have to take a chance sometime. The longer you leave it the worse it will be...

LegacyUser

Wompa1 wrote: »

If you value your friendship you'd best step aside, it sounds like maybe he's been laying the ground work.

It definitly looks that way. I didnt see it from that perspective because I've always seen them as friends even when Barry was with his last girlfriend.

user666 wrote: »

it sounds to me like once she showed an interest in you, he decided he wanted her.

Barry's a nice guy, while I don’t know how he thinks, I’m not sure that’s the case. But you've planted a seed in my head now which I will have to ignore. Thank you for your view on this. (No sarcasm).

Leapdog wrote: »

Tricky one, but having been in a similar situation before I wouldn't be surprised if your mate is cock-blocking you. He's hung around with her for years, had every opportunity to make his move and do something and yet somehow he never has. In fact, he's never even mentioned that he's interested in her in anything other than friendship until you make it clear that you fancy her and she reciprocates.

But he's your mate, so fair dues, what I'd do it give him a time-frame. He knows you're interested in her and he claims he is too, but will he actually do anything about it, or is he just trying to keep you away from her. In you're situation, I'd say to him - fair enough we both like her, so I'll step aside. Until the end of February. If he hasn't made his move by then, then in my book she's fair game. He knows he's way too deep in the friendzone to ever have any chance of getting out, he won't do anything other than mope over her and prevent you and her from what could be something good.

Barry had a girlfriend for those years they hung around with each other. Maybe I didn’t notice his interest in her due to my own ignorance and what was then current relationship status. I wouldn’t have it in me to give him a "deadline" to do something. To be honest I wouldn’t be the type of guy to ask a girl outright without having spent some time with her to build a basis to see if we are compatible. While I can let her know I’m interested in her, I wouldn’t be so upfront about it.

Distorted wrote: »

OP - I too think your friend Barry is only showing an interest in Ann because the two of you got on well together. He might have real interest in her but I think the deadline thing is a good thing to say to him because I don't think you're bound not to make a move on her, except out of politeness. Ann seems to be interested in you too, and also I would get any declerations as to interest or lack thereof in you straight from the horse's mouth...

That’s a risky move. I really feel I should hold off until I can get a better grasp on the situation.

Bottle_of_Smoke wrote: »

She's his friend, he's probably wary that if you got together everything would change between her and him and you and him. And he's right.

I'd just write this one off. I don't think this is a good starting position for a relationship. Perhaps when he gets a new girlfriend he won't feel jealous but pursuing her now could lead to disaster.

Very good point, something that’s worrying me because I really value his friendship. I’m leaning towards the latter part of your reply, but this is eating me up. I don’t really meet many people who I’d be that interested in, it’s a shame it has to come to be like this.

Walls wrote: »

Why doesn't Anne get a say? Who she goes out with just might be something she has an opinion on rather than being decided on by the pair of ye.

I don’t appreciate this reply, and in my books you're throwing the cat amongst the pigeons. A comment like that leads people off topic and starts a sexism thing which this has absolutely nothing to do with. If you took the time to read my post you would see that Anne is more or less oblivious to the fact that I like her and so is Barry (at least I hope so). This is about me asking advice regarding a girl that I like, and if it would be wise in showing her due to a risk of hurting a very good friend. Thank you, but you've been no help to anyone, and you're veering this off topic.

Taltos wrote: »

I have to say I find your thinking very old fashioned and slightly insulting towards the woman in question here.
I am fairly certain she has the intelligence to be able to choose who she wants to see - or in this case who not.
This - I have dibs crap is just more than out-dated, next we are going to see guys offering a handkerchief as a token of interest...
<sigh>

You've been no help what so ever.

Lormcd wrote: »

I agree with Wompa1. Maybe you should talk to Barry about it, and find out why he didn't mention this before? Has he always had these feelings? If so it it might be best to step aside.

I don’t think I can bring it up in conversation. Jesus, how would you? I always knew he thought the world of her, I just didn’t realise he liked her like that. I just thought they were great friends that’s all. It’s all a bit confusing.

discus wrote: »

Dibs, bagsie, whatever you want to call it, it's about making it clear to a friend that you have intentions of asking her out. A sort of pre-emptive argument. Better to clear the air beforehand rather than trying to sort it out after the event.

While I appreciate your responses I don’t think that it would clear the air as much as it would make things a little awkward, which is the worst part of all.

assddfff wrote: »

I think if Anne wanted Barry it would of happened by now. Try let Anne know you like her without it being obvious to Barry (if at all possible). She might ask you out. Do not chose Barry over Anne. I have done this twice for mates who I no longer have contact with and regret it. Its been more than twice but every time, I lost out.

I will try letting her know I like her, but I can only do so much with the situation the way it is right now. I can’t disrespect Barry though at the same time, as I said, he’s a great guy and a good friend.

curlzy wrote: »

Eh hello this is a person we're talking about not a bloody car!!! What the hell?!?!?!? I think both of you should ask her out and see who she wants. Personally I hope she knocks you both back and gets with a man, not a boy :rolleyes:

Personally I think you should get off this feminist high tower you have perched yourself on and take the time to read the post, and then comment on it accordingly. I am a man, not only that I am a gentleman who has nothing but respect for the opposite sex and his surrounding friends. My dilemma isn’t even known by the other two parties yet somehow you and a few others have managed to fashion this topic into an argument between two cavemen, over the club they get to bash over a females head. You aren’t helping, this isn’t Jerry Springer, these are my feelings you're making fun of. "rolleyes"

quickresponseq wrote: »

The dilemma is not about whether or not the OP should go out with the lady in question, its about whether he would offend his friend if he were to ask her out. There is a difference. If Anne in the meantime asked one of the two guys out, then fine - decision made. Alternatively, if Anne preferred to wait for one of the guys to approach her, I am quite sure she would decline whatever person she did not have interest in.

Thank you! I was beginning to second guess my post for a minute.
If Anne asked him out I would have my mind at rest.
Good point, would it not be rubbing salt in a wound waiting for that to happen if I did ask her out after that happening (with a given buffer timescale).

quickresponseq wrote: »

Personally, I agree with the posts above. Give your mate a chance first. Anne knows of your interest. If Anne is interested in you in return, she will decline and you will have your chance. If your mate succeeds, then that was her preference.

Thanks, that seems like sound advice. I would only worry that she was interested in me thinking that I might not be into her as I probably should have asked her out, you know, if she moves on.

Zaph

OP, while you may not like some of the replies, there's no need to be rude to those who responded. We expect civility from all posters on this forum.

muboop1

Id say your man could quite easily be in the dreaded "friend zone"...

To little to late?

Walls

ahhhwelll wrote: »

I don’t appreciate this reply, and in my books you're throwing the cat amongst the pigeons. A comment like that leads people off topic and starts a sexism thing which this has absolutely nothing to do with. If you took the time to read my post you would see that Anne is more or less oblivious to the fact that I like her and so is Barry (at least I hope so). This is about me asking advice regarding a girl that I like, and if it would be wise in showing her due to a risk of hurting a very good friend. Thank you, but you've been no help to anyone, and you're veering this off topic.

It was nothing to do with sexism, I could see two girls having the exact same conversation. I was pointing out that Anne's conduct seems to suggest you're her choice, she's complementing you to your face and to Barry. The relationship is almost formed as far as I could see. The rest of your response to me and other opinions was a bit rude, but I'll leave that side of things to the mods.

fungun

How good a friend is Barry? I think the deadline concept sounds difficult to put in place but may be the right one if approached correctly.

If it were me and he was a good friend id talk to him and say sth like "Listen Barry, I was a bit taken aback when you said you liked Anne, cos, well, I like her and thought since you had known her so long that nothing was gonna happen there between you. In fact, I was about to ask her out for a drink the other night. Dont want this to be a problem between us though, so Ill step back for a couple of weeks to let you figure out is anything going to happen there before I ask her out"

Replace couple of weeks to month or whatever you think is appropriate. That way, it comes across as friendly, you being nice to him yet putting a marker down that you will ask her out if he hasnt got anywhere....but doesnt come across that ay!

LegacyUser

Taltos wrote: »

Totally disagree - just because they flirted does not mean she is interested. Also more telling the longer the OP waits the more convinced Anne will be that he is just not into her that way... Thus leaving the path open for his "mate" to make a move.
Seriously OP - life is not like the movies - if you like this girl - tell her - also tell Barry. If he is a mate he will understand - if not - well then maybe you are better off not knowing him.

That’s where I fall down in this sort of thing. I’m not good at reading girls interest. It’s a good point, I know life’s not like the movies, but I haven’t really spent that much with the girl, and I think I need to build a little bit more of a foundation before I could do anything.

Taltos wrote: »

I do think though you may need to look at behaviour here though - you are standing a great chance of blowing a potential relationship out of the water over outdated ideas (and a delay in acting). Not saying you should not be applauded for putting your mate first - but at the end of the day life is short and we have to take a chance sometime. The longer you leave it the worse it will be...

Duely noted.

Zaph wrote: »

OP, while you may not like some of the replies, there's no need to be rude to those who responded. We expect civility from all posters on this forum.

I’m sorry. In the past I have created and made replies to topics, where my point gets twisted into something which I didn’t say and this to me was one of those situations. I fail to see where I led those people off the topic. I didn’t just write this post wily nily, it was a thought out post at which I did my best to give all the information I could, none of which got referenced in the responses.

muboop1 wrote: »

Id say your man could quite easily be in the dreaded "friend zone"...

To little to late?

I’m really feeling this is the case.

Walls wrote: »

It was nothing to do with sexism, I could see two girls having the exact same conversation. I was pointing out that Anne's conduct seems to suggest you're her choice, she's complementing you to your face and to Barry. The relationship is almost formed as far as I could see. The rest of your response to me and other opinions was a bit rude, but I'll leave that side of things to the mods.

You said that Anne should have a say. Anne, as far as my topic went, isn’t part of the equation because this isn’t about her, it’s about my friendship with another. If he wasn’t interested this whole topic wouldn’t be formed and I would have peace of mind. I do appreciate your latest response however, and with that being put forward I apologise for being so sharp.

fungun wrote: »

How good a friend is Barry? I think the deadline concept sounds difficult to put in place but may be the right one if approached correctly.

If it were me and he was a good friend id talk to him and say sth like "Listen Barry, I was a bit taken aback when you said you liked Anne, cos, well, I like her and thought since you had known her so long that nothing was gonna happen there between you. In fact, I was about to ask her out for a drink the other night. Dont want this to be a problem between us though, so Ill step back for a couple of weeks to let you figure out is anything going to happen there before I ask her out"

Replace couple of weeks to month or whatever you think is appropriate. That way, it comes across as friendly, you being nice to him yet putting a marker down that you will ask her out if he hasnt got anywhere....but doesnt come across that ay!

Barry’s a good friend. He’s not the type of guy to mess a girl around.

While allot of people are for the 'deadline' idea, I couldn’t bring myself to do it.