can't do one nighters

LegacyUser

hey guys,
I am a 30's gay guy and need some advice. For years, like many people I didn't accept being gay. I really shut myself down and ignored it.

Now I am a lot more confident and laid back and totally accept who I am except for sex.
For some reason I cannot let myself relax and a lot of times I simply do not get excited enough to have sex.

I have been to doctors and I know it's psychological. I feel this is the last hurdle but it feels like such a huge one.

Almost all of my early sexual experiences were bad(early 20's), possibly because of my own issues. Now when I have sex it always feels rubbish. Everyone seems to be happy with one nighters or rushing into bed but for me I like to get to know someone. Even after a couple of dates if I hop into bed I get so down about it afterwards and today is one of those days.
Life is good, I am happy except for this thing. I wish I could just play around and have some fun.

Sex is not my number one priority in a relationship but it is important. Are there people out there who are at least a little bit more interested than a quick shag.???

Does anyone have any advice that can make me feel better. Am I doomed to a life of ungratifying sex or can I overcome this problem.

Thanks all. : )

cgcsb

Gay_don't know what to do? wrote: »

hey guys,
I am a 30's gay guy and need some advice. For years, like many people I didn't accept being gay. I really shut myself down and ignored it.

Now I am a lot more confident and laid back and totally accept who I am except for sex.
For some reason I cannot let myself relax and a lot of times I simply do not get excited enough to have sex.

I have been to doctors and I know it's psychological. I feel this is the last hurdle but it feels like such a huge one.

Almost all of my early sexual experiences were bad(early 20's), possibly because of my own issues. Now when I have sex it always feels rubbish. Everyone seems to be happy with one nighters or rushing into bed but for me I like to get to know someone. Even after a couple of dates if I hop into bed I get so down about it afterwards and today is one of those days.
Life is good, I am happy except for this thing. I wish I could just play around and have some fun.

Sex is not my number one priority in a relationship but it is important. Are there people out there who are at least a little bit more interested than a quick shag.???

Does anyone have any advice that can make me feel better. Am I doomed to a life of ungratifying sex or can I overcome this problem.

Thanks all. : )

so are you asking advice on how you can enjoy one night stands more? or are you looking on advice to find yourself a partner?

to be honest, one night stands are not for everyone, infact I dare say, they're not for most people. Some guys are too sensitive to handle them, that is perfectly ok. If you need more time to get to know and like someone, then that's your choice. A one night stand can only offer you temporary satisfaction, it scratches an itch, but it won't cure your rash.

If they're not for you then forcing yourself to have them won't do you any good.

Beruthiel

Gay_don't know what to do? wrote: »

Sex is not my number one priority in a relationship but it is important. Are there people out there who are at least a little bit more interested than a quick shag.???

Of course there are!
Some people love anonymous sex. Some cannot stand it and prefer to know the person a little first so that the connection is stronger.
IMO, sex is so much better with someone you really care about. You're the same, nothing wrong with that you know.

baby and crumble

I'm not one for one-nighters either. I get that for some people they are really great, but not for me. Part of the joy of sex for me is giving pleasure to another person, and how great it is to let yourself feel free and stuff, and I can only do that with someone I trust.

Don't beat yourself up about it. I always berated myself in college for not being able to go out and score girls, and tbh I'm really glad now that I didn't. I'm so much happier with sex that means something, even if sometimes all it means is "I like you, you made me tea when I had a snotty nose the other day, let's bump uglies!!!" (Ah, how the romance fades after 7 years...)

stephen_n

Gay_don't know what to do? wrote: »

hey guys,
I am a 30's gay guy and need some advice. For years, like many people I didn't accept being gay. I really shut myself down and ignored it.

Now I am a lot more confident and laid back and totally accept who I am except for sex.
For some reason I cannot let myself relax and a lot of times I simply do not get excited enough to have sex.

I have been to doctors and I know it's psychological. I feel this is the last hurdle but it feels like such a huge one.

Almost all of my early sexual experiences were bad(early 20's), possibly because of my own issues. Now when I have sex it always feels rubbish. Everyone seems to be happy with one nighters or rushing into bed but for me I like to get to know someone. Even after a couple of dates if I hop into bed I get so down about it afterwards and today is one of those days.
Life is good, I am happy except for this thing. I wish I could just play around and have some fun.

Sex is not my number one priority in a relationship but it is important. Are there people out there who are at least a little bit more interested than a quick shag.???

Does anyone have any advice that can make me feel better. Am I doomed to a life of ungratifying sex or can I overcome this problem.

Thanks all. : )

Is that a guilt thing? Do you feel you let yourself down by doing it or is it the act itself that is getting you down. You may have some lingering issues, maybe try a couple os sessions with a counselor and see what happens?

Endymion

Beruthiel wrote: »

Of course there are!
Some people love anonymous sex. Some cannot stand it and prefer to know the person a little first so that the connection is stronger.
IMO, sex is so much better with someone you really care about. You're the same, nothing wrong with that you know.

I'd add to that and say sex is so much better when you're ready and they're ready. It sounds like you view sex as this thing you have to do, that as a gay man you need to be oversexed. I don't think I'd personally be able to have sex with someone without first forming a solid connection to them.

No one really enjoys one night stands.

Spark Boy

i would agree that this is due to your state of mind. i think there are three issues at play

1. your bad past experiences (you should attempt to dislodge them as much as possible).

2. acceptance of being gay and that there is nothing wrong with gay sex, you appear to have figured that out.

3. your own morals, look eveyone is different, in your head you think everybody is having infinite one night stands, not true.. but even if people were its whatever you are happy with, whatever you believe to be right for you..i think also you might need to trust a person before you feel totally free, and in that case you might be best suited to being in a relationship, which lots of guys are. best of luck.

cgcsb

Endymion wrote: »

No one really enjoys one night stands.

:eek: are you the all knowing representitive of all humans that ever lived?

Endymion

Pretty much . Excluding people with mental disorders, humans are by and large social creatures. We crave companionship, links and bonds with other humans. I've never encountered someone who viewed exclusively casual sexual encounters as what they wanted in the long term and I honestly do feel that's down to human nature.

Norderburse

Also a gay guy in his 30's here, and while it might seem like everybody is great at one night stands and that's all they're looking for, it's really not the case.
Same as you, I've never found them easy and they have in no way compared to sleeping with someone you know a little better.
As others have said, it takes all sorts to make the world - just wanted to throw my 2c in and say that you're definitely not alone in how you feel OP!

cgcsb

Endymion wrote: »

Excluding people with mental disorders,

I'm sorry, but I do not have a mental disorder and I have gotten pleaseure out of one night stands.

Endymion wrote: »

I've never encountered someone who viewed exclusively casual sexual encounters as what they wanted in the long term

Widening the goal posts here is not going to work. Your statement was:

Endymion wrote: »

No one really enjoys one night stands.

nothing about exclusively casual sex or long term. Even if that were your original statement, you'd still be flat out wrong, there are plenty of people out there who do not want a relationship, and are of sound mind. You should take, from this experience, that blanket statements about humanity on public fora are not a good idea.

Endymion

I might make a statement that no one enjoys being kicked in the balls, but sure enough there are people out there who enjoy it. Whatever floats your boat.