Ripe poems for the reasonable soul

all2most

I caught the earth in the palm of my hand
On the day I wanted to steal the moon
I felt it there, moist like a damp sponge
Germinating fantastic clouds of steam
That sought to populate the universe

But, It was not the earth that I craved
It was the old deserted moon
That floated in space, I wanted.
And to steal the moon would have been my peace
But I caught the earth, instead of a blank canvas

jackthelad321

Hey all2most great to see a poetry post. I liked the beginning of it, but i didn't like the line 'that sought to populate the universe.' When I read the poem aloud the line sounded a little untidy... the metre didn't work. Perhaps the line needs rearranging. It leads in strong, with gusto, but that line-- for me-- took away from it. Plus I can't get my head around what it could mean.

The second verse again leads well, but again the last line for me was a let down. I liked how it begun in both verses, but when i read the last line i was hoping for some clarity each time, but i found myself more confused. The last line has me completley confused. Maybe the canvas word is aptly placed, or hints at something. But the criticism I have is that I wasn't involved in the peom to ponder over the potential meaning. And that may mean that you need to engage the reader (only me at this time).

I don't want to be solely negative, I guess I just didn't get the poem. It seemed too vague to understand. I know you are using imagery and it has some power, but i didn't get any meaning at all from the poem. I know, too, that it's your poem, and it clearly has a deep meaning to you, but I just can't get it. And i do think getting it is important. Writing is communication.

The poem does read well, i must say. It has a nice cadence to it. But again there are a few lines that don't really sit well within the overall structure. If you read it aloud to yourself, listening to the rhythym, i think it's easier to spot than reading in your head.

I should say that poetry isn't my favourite thing, and I am not trying to be mean or callous or unfair, I just felt that what I wrote was my honest reaction to it. Because I never engaged with it i never had the chance to give it enough time to have a meaning to me. I am also aware that it takes courage for anyone to put stuff up for public scrutiny. I also know being an adult male how hard it is for adults to take criticism, compared to younger children who readily accept it.

I eagerly await your response, perhaps if you tell me what you were going for I could have a eureka moment and see whare you were coming from.

JACK

all2most

jackthelad321 wrote: »

Hey all2most great to see a poetry post. I liked the beginning of it, but i didn't like the line 'that sought to populate the universe.' When I read the poem aloud the line sounded a little untidy... the metre didn't work. Perhaps the line needs rearranging. It leads in strong, with gusto, but that line-- for me-- took away from it. Plus I can't get my head around what it could mean.

The second verse again leads well, but again the last line for me was a let down. I liked how it begun in both verses, but when i read the last line i was hoping for some clarity each time, but i found myself more confused. The last line has me completley confused. Maybe the canvas word is aptly placed, or hints at something. But the criticism I have is that I wasn't involved in the peom to ponder over the potential meaning. And that may mean that you need to engage the reader (only me at this time).

I don't want to be solely negative, I guess I just didn't get the poem. It seemed too vague to understand. I know you are using imagery and it has some power, but i didn't get any meaning at all from the poem. I know, too, that it's your poem, and it clearly has a deep meaning to you, but I just can't get it. And i do think getting it is important. Writing is communication.

The poem does read well, i must say. It has a nice cadence to it. But again there are a few lines that don't really sit well within the overall structure. If you read it aloud to yourself, listening to the rhythym, i think it's easier to spot than reading in your head.

I should say that poetry isn't my favourite thing, and I am not trying to be mean or callous or unfair, I just felt that what I wrote was my honest reaction to it. Because I never engaged with it i never had the chance to give it enough time to have a meaning to me. I am also aware that it takes courage for anyone to put stuff up for public scrutiny. I also know being an adult male how hard it is for adults to take criticism, compared to younger children who readily accept it.

I eagerly await your response, perhaps if you tell me what you were going for I could have a eureka moment and see whare you were coming from.

JACK

Hey there

First of all, Thanks for your reply. It's nice when you receive a well thought out objective critique your poetry, don't ya think?
I'm glad that you have questions and you are interested, and I agree that the second verse could have been structured a little better.
I love to write, especially short poems and lyrics for my songs, anyway here it is, the best way I can explain.
The poem is about being born into preconceived notions about the world we live in. If you read it back you may just have a new canvas for your ideas about the poem. Thanks again. Hopefully talk again soon.:)