What do do during counselling?

LegacyUser

So having finally committed to going to a counsellor as a result of being sexually abused by my brother as a young child, I am actually looking forward to my next session.

I have spent many years thinking I suffered with depression - have been on and off anti-depressants during my 20s (im 33) and it was only last year when a new GP at my surgery said to me that I don't have a diagnosis of depression persay, I just had a sh!t life (she actually said this!), that I finally decided to go to a counsellor and deal with it.

So the sessions themselves are me crying for an hour and getting so much off my chest. But I find I'm a bit lost about two days later...so while I feel that I'm doing the right thing here I had hoped that my whole life would change even in small measures. But I still have all the same bad habits - all the things I want to change about myself are still there (I'm very messy as an example)...

So for those of you who have been through counselling and are out the other side, what did you do for those days during your sessions...I had hoped my counsellor might give me 'goals' or 'excercises' to complete before the next session...just to kick start me even..but apparently, thats something I have to do myself. I had hoped the counsellor might work like a personal trainer - checking on my progress etc, but it appears that's not what its about at all and even the topic I discuss each week, is entirely up to me...

so my question is really what do I do while I wait for my next session each week...how do I kick start making those changes that I so want to happen in my life???

Noodleworm

I haven't been through an any intense counselling like this but generally you just think about it, try to define how you feel about it and sort your thoughts out in order to get it all off your chest for your next session.
Often we repress thing and it leaves underlying problems, letting stuff out hurts but afterwards its kind of a relief and can help you feel more in control. You learn to put everything in perspective, understand its not your fault or anything, accept it and move on.

dan_d

Are you going to a counsellor or psychologist?? Counsellors tend to give you coping skills while psychologists tend to analyse. Either way OP, it's going to take a while for you to get everything out, for a counsellor to think you're ready to take a few pointers.

Why don't you ask them that?? Can you give me anything to do, that I can work on between sessions? You're paying them at the end of the day.

Bear in mind that this stuff has been building in your head for - what - 20 to 25 years?? That's a long, long time for things to be in you.It's not going to be fixed straight away. Or even in a short time.It will take a while, but it will come....you'll find yourself mulling over things you've said or realised, and seeing things in a different way. Give it time. But if you feel you need to get more from the sessions, tell your counsellor. You're the one who's giving the directions. I don't know how long you've been going, but maybe this is now a sign that you've done a lot of your talking and are ready to start seeing some changes in your life.

LegacyUser

Thank you for the replies.

I'm seeing a counsellor through an organisation that deals with child sexual abuse specifically.

yes, I guess it has been in my head for many years but I'm hopeful it won't take many years to feel 'better' about it. I disucssed the actually abuse for the first time only last week - previously I had always referred to it as 'that thing that happened' (i'd tried counselling a few times, but it never really worked in the past) so even that, in itself is a huge step for me. A very hard, but very huge step.

I find myself though getting very low during the week after/before the next session - I want to focus my mind on something to improve my life and as i said, I was hoping the counsellor might be like a personal trainer, checking on how I'm doing with my 'goals' etc.

Was I wrong? is that not what counsellors should do?

Plek Trum

Firstly, well done to you for taking this step and making a committment to getting this issue sorted and your life back on track - first and probably the hardest step done so be proud of that!

Your story is familiar and I spent roughly 13months in counselling altogether (one session a wk) and the results and changes are worth every every step.

Ask your counsellor first what they would recommend for you inbetween sessions. Its early days for you just yet, so maybe they havent structured any 'work' for you in case you become a bit overwhelmed with it all.

I found a notebook handy for thoughts, ramblings and exploring issues that may have arisen during the sessions - but your counsellor will let you know if you need to do this just yet. Approach these few early sessions as a 'getting to know you' process and they will guide you from there. It might however give you an idea of where you want your next session to go to, so could be worth a shot.

Its very normal to be a bit drained, low or lost for a few days after a session. This is big baggage you are opening up to - I used to feel slightly empty or 'stoned'.. and I dont even smoke :rolleyes:

The best advice I was given was to be kind and gentle in your thoughts to yourself and treat yourself to things when you get down. Not huge gestures, but small things that make you feel comfortable, cosy and safe. It could be a bath, magazine and chocolate or just bringing your duvet down in front of the tv and getting a DVD. Whatever it is that makes you feel good and cared for.


You have a good attitude and postitive approach towards it, try not to be in too much of a hurry to see or feel results just yet. They will all happen, but be patient, your journey will carry you and not the other way around. The postitive changes will happen for you when you are ready so dont put pressure on yourself to change everything around immediately.

Huge respect to you for starting on your path to your new more peaceful life. It will be worth it, I am proof of that.
Do you have anyone to share your sessions with or someone looking out for you during this? If not, PM me if you ever want to chat.

Best of luck x

neuro-praxis

Your current counsellor is following a particular method of counselling. It works very well for some people but maybe not for you.

However there are lots and lots of counsellors out there who do what you are looking for - try finding a cognitive behavioural therapist near you. And feel NO GUILT about switching counsellors. This one's methods are not fulfilling your needs right now.

curlzy

Hey OP,

The best councellor I ever went to didn't just give me a list of things to do, I had to ring him after I'd done them and tell him how it went! I'm surprised your counselor doesn't want to help with this. If I were you I would ask your counselor again to help you to work out a list of things you want to accomplish and help you figure out how to go about it. If you feel this isn't the best counselor for you could you ask to try a different one? It could be that the counselor wants to address the abuse before going onto life improvements? I would have a clear conversation with the counselor about how the therapy will progress and what issues you will address.

LegacyUser

This week will be my 6th session - I had mentioned support/advocacy groups that are running within the organisation but she said that they prefer to get some one-on-one time with each person first, before referring me onto the support group, which made sense to me.

As I said, last week was the first time I had ever been able to speak about the actual abuse. I've always known it was 'there', somewhere in my mind...I am amazed at how much of it I remember. Whilst trying to get me to remember my age around the time of the abuse, I realised that I have very little memory of my childhood...I remember very little of the detail. The best I could figure out was that it happened before my communion as my only memory of my communion was being terrified that if my brother saw me looking 'pretty', he would come and get me...Quite sad I know, but quite an achievement for me to even remember that much detail...

Cognitive therapy is something i've looked into but Im going to stick with this counsellor for now - she seems to be subtly getting things out of me - in some ways I think it might be going a bit slow, but actually I'm begining to realise that it's going at the pace I'm ready for. The stuff I'd tried in the past, I always tried to rush along and always packed it in after a few sessions...

Thank you for your post Plek Trum - I don't have much support outside of the counselling - I do have a friend who has told me she's there for me to chat to after each session, but when I try to bring stuff up, she gets very uncomfortable about things, as she knows my brother quite well....thanks again, Im unregistered here but do use boards so will keep in mind the pm invite...your post was lovely, thanks.

dubbie82

I know how hard this days between can be. I was there too once. Especially after the first sesions I felt drained and cried a lot until I felt sick. I felt like a dog chasing his own tail as so much went on in my head.
My councillor just told me to be gentle on myself. I don't think I fully understood what she meant then but now I do and this is the only advise I can give you.
Be gentle and good to yourself. You go through a lot and these sessions are hard work so do something nice for yourself. Have a special treat.
Sentenced candles did it for me, would light them and have a bubble bath and music and locked the world out for an hour or two.
I started painting too...nothing fancy but it was something that took my mind off these things for a while.

Have you someone you trust and knows that you are going to see a councillor or is aware about the abuse you had to suffer? It's good to someone there, a shoulder to cry on but someone who will be able to pull you back too.

I am sure your therapist can help you, mention how you feel between the sessions and you two can find a solution. Take care.

eddison

Let me say very well done going to a councillor! That is very difficult. Now look at Oprah Winfrey. Its my understanding that she was abused as a child. Many people find they just cannot get past the abuse, but Oprah did. Is she special? is she better than other people who have suffered with sexual abuse? The answer is no.
So why has she seemed to make a success of her life? why does it not seem to affect her? The answer is, she does not let it affect her. Sexual abuse is in the mind. The body has long forgotten the abuse, but the mind has not. so there is where the problem is. The problem in the mind is one of thoughts, if you never thought about this again, would it hurt you? i don't think so.
Here is an example. You are depressed, and fed up. Nothing will cheer you up. Now someone takes you up in a plane, and you parachute to earth. Do you think you would be depressed as you fall? It is unlikely. But why were you not depressed? because as you fell to earth, you were living in the present.
The past is poison to you my friend.
Only go there if you enjoy suffering

LegacyUser

eddison wrote: »

Let me say very well done going to a councillor! That is very difficult. Now look at Oprah Winfrey. Its my understanding that she was abused as a child. Many people find they just cannot get past the abuse, but Oprah did. Is she special? is she better than other people who have suffered with sexual abuse? The answer is no.
So why has she seemed to make a success of her life? why does it not seem to affect her? The answer is, she does not let it affect her. Sexual abuse is in the mind. The body has long forgotten the abuse, but the mind has not. so there is where the problem is. The problem in the mind is one of thoughts, if you never thought about this again, would it hurt you? i don't think so.
Here is an example. You are depressed, and fed up. Nothing will cheer you up. Now someone takes you up in a plane, and you parachute to earth. Do you think you would be depressed as you fall? It is unlikely. But why were you not depressed? because as you fell to earth, you were living in the present.
The past is poison to you my friend.
Only go there if you enjoy suffering

Op here.

Oprah has been through years of counselling.

To 'say sexual abuse is in the mind' is to undermine what happened to me.

I get what you're saying - but I need to work through it, get it out of my mind for me to recover from the affects it had on me.

I am quite offended by your post to be honest, but anyway, everyones entitled to their opinion.

dubbie82

Eddison, your post is not really helpful and to be honest a bit offensive

The OP didn't ask for for opinions about pro and cons of counselling either.

eddison

unregistered wrote: »

Op here.

Oprah has been through years of counselling.

To 'say sexual abuse is in the mind' is to undermine what happened to me.

I get what you're saying - but I need to work through it, get it out of my mind for me to recover from the affects it had on me.

I am quite offended by your post to be honest, but anyway, everyones entitled to their opinion.

Hi,
I apologise if I have offended you. It is sincerely meant, and an attempt to help, not hurt. What I am trying to get across is to contain the issue. If you believe it is bigger than you, is this a good thing?
No, you are bigger than the problem.
I am not saying 'it is all in your head' and therefore imaginary- what happened to you was real. You see it is difficult to express emotions using letters on a screen.
What I meant was, that issues are in deep, and buried in our minds, and subconscious. The scars that won't heal cannot be seen. These scars are in our minds. It is the mind, and our thought- misgivings about ourselves, which must be dealt with. Oprah is a confident person, with good self esteem. That is because she purposely decided to have self belief, and let the hurt go. Anyway i will not respond your post again.

LegacyUser

Op here.

Oprah, as I have said already, went through YEARS of counselling. Years of it.
She didn't get where she is today by waking up one day and deciding not to think about her abuse. If only it was as simple as that.

JuliusCaesar

From your first post, it looks as if you were expecting CBT (cognitive behavioural psychotherapy) - those are all elements of CBT. Your counsellor may be humanist or some other orientation.

annapolska

Op, well done for taking these steps to help yourself. Sexual abuse is major trauma, one of the worst things that could happen to a child, really, and I'm sure that you've experienced tremendous suffering because of it. I'm so sorry this happened to you.

I am also familiar with those strange days after a session (I spent a long time in counselling dealing with childhood abuse issues). It's almost like an emotional hangover. I used to think of that haze-like state as a form of healing, like when you break a bone it sometimes aches as its mending itself back together. It wouldn't hurt to ask your counsellor for more direction if you feel you need it, but I wonder if it would be a distraction to have set tasks in place during those off days. It could be that you need that time to recover a little.

I think the most important thing between sessions is to just take care of yourself. I know it's not everyone's cup of tea, but learning to meditate really helped me. There's something about being still and quiet and just breathing deeply, I always felt that it helped me to release things I had been carrying for ages, and it was very calming. Going for long walks also helped me, and having a little notebook handy sounds like a good suggestion, too.

It's only been 6 weeks, so try not to put too much pressure on yourself. We all have little flaws in ourselves that we'd like to fix (like being messy) but maybe your counsellor is focusing on the big stuff right now.

if you need some support or have any questions, you're welcome to pm me.

LegacyUser

I think I believed I needed some direction during my sessions. I am always quick to finish stuff - in work, give me a task and I want it done now, in my day to day live, I like to finish most tasks with speed. Approaching this counselling, I felt I wanted it all over in about ten weeks - that was the time limit I set myself here. And I thought things would move quicker between sessions...each session feels almost like the first session sometimes...I travel on the bus to each session, and on that journey, I practice that the session will be a continuation of the previous one...but somehow, each one becomes a completely different subject.

But as I'm moving through them....I am learning that this problem has been in my psyche for over twenty years, and it won't be cured in ten hours...

thank you all for your advice here....I said earlier that I had hoped to be part of the support groups the organisation have going on and this is what I mean by it...I want to hear other peoples experiences of counselling, just to help me understand that what Im experiencing is quite normal..having spent such a long period of my life feeling like I was the only 'mad' person I knew...

Plek Trum

i can assure you that you are not the only 'mad' person you know! After my sessions and friends knowing about it more than half enquired about the process and could do with a visit to a counsellor themselves

While I feel Eddison means well, take all that with a huge pinch of salt and stay well away from such thoughts. By thinking that it was 'all in the mind' for years I used to put huge pessure upon myself to excel at everything, achieve everything, stand out from the crowd always. In reality, I was doing everything I could NOT to have to face it and to appear perfect, Works for a while but gosh, its no way to live a life and the calmness and strength I have now having faced it all was well worth the journey.

Its exactly through avoiding the mind and the pain that the damage is done.

As before, you are welcome to PM anytime if you want to go through anything with someone other than your friend and best of luck to you. Patience, strength and believe in yourself, x