Hit by Partner...what to do now..

LegacyUser

Okay, I've been on the boards for a while now, but I felt more comfortable going unregistered for this post.
I'm in my mid twenties, engaged to a mid twenties guy, things were going well and normal etc etc. We've been together for a few years.
Anyway, he came home after a night out, he was in a good mood, Our flatmate and I helped him in the door (he was the most wasted we've ever seen him!) and I put him to bed.
Later on I went to bed and he was still awake, mumbling and talking silly like drunk people do. Then from nowhere, he started complaining about our financial situation (i'm currently and recently unemployed and not able to add much to our finances/savings). So I avoided this and said we'll discuss it in the morning as he might remember the conversation then!

I thought this was the end of it, but no. He started freaking out and saying I was depending on him, its hard for him, why didn't I want to talk about this, maybe I should leave the country (I'm not from here), and starts saying really nasty things. He'd never been nasty before. I didn't want an argument with a drunk person so I ignored this..then he got frustrated and slapped me across the face, then continued to argue, then mumble and eventually fell asleep. I just sat there, dumbfounded. I tried to talk to him then, but he was so drunk he was heavily asleep.

A few days later I brought up the above event in conversation as I wanted an explanation or apology or something. (I found it too difficult to bring it up sooner.) He was genuinely shocked, he didn't remember hitting me, which is believable as he never remembers anything from a night of drinking anyway. Anyway, I said that's no excuse, and I would leave unless this is resolved. However, he just cried and said he couldn't believe he was that type of person and just didn't meet my eyes and continued crying until I eventually could take no more, I left the room.
Later I returned to finish the conversation, but he didn't apologise and and refuses to talk about it at all.

He's never hit me before, and has never even been mean in any way shape or form. Was this a once off? I didn't hit him or verbally fight back or even instigate any of this.

I am faced with a dilemma, turn away from this relationship which is going through a rough patch,
OR
do what society says is the right thing, and just walk away forever - i.e. people say once a hitter always a hitter. I am not sure if this applies to this situation.

But also, If I get him to talk maybe this can be resolved?

I thought I was a very strong minded person, but I am at a loss as to what to do. I need some advice, as I'm thoroughly annoyed about all of it.
Thank you to people in advance, for any advice.
I shall update you on my decision/actions when this is resolved.

ElleEm

You are the only one who know's your situation, OP.
How did he respond when you reminded him he hit you? Did you discuss the arguement and ask him how he really feels about your current financial situation? People say that drink makes the truth come out!
Domestic abuse is rarely only about violence. Sometimes someone can be in a domestically abusive situation for years without their partner ever physically lashing out. It is about power and control. Does this sound like your fiance?
Women's Aid are a great organisation, ring their helpline and you will have an experienced ear to listen to your concerns.

1800 341 900

Good luck.

liah

If he's drinking to the point of not remembering his actions at all, you seriously need to talk to him about it; what's worse is that you said he usually can't remember what happens when he's drunk. That's not normal, nevermind the fact that he slapped you!

He sounds unsettled by it, so I suggest taking now as an opportunity to maybe talk to him about how much he drinks when he goes out, or at least why he was so plastered that night. Obviously with this goes explaining to him that if he ever lays a finger on you in that way again you're gone.

Due to the other things he said while drunk I'd wager he has a lot of stuff in the back of his mind, might be worth touching on those issues while you're at it, OP, like the financial situation.

Then again, you've said he's refusing to talk about it. If this keeps up, tell him he can talk to you when he's willing to take responsibility for his actions and discuss what happened like an adult. Try staying at a friends' place for a night or two, if your relationship is otherwise solid he should come around in a day or two and you can talk it out properly.

kerryman12

HI op

Reading through your post its clear that there is a lot of stuff going on with him right now. He probably is feeling under a lot of pressure, having to support the two of ye etc. I am guess that based on the rest of you post, otherwise things are going well in the relationship.

For me there is no and can be no excuse for laying your hand on a woman - its that simple. Maybe this was a once off and will never happen again, maybe in five years time when he is wasted again, if ye are still together he will hit you again over whatever is going on in his head at that time. This will always be in your head and no amount of talking will ever change that.

Dont put yourself in a situation where you can be subject to physcial violance.

Best of luck

dub_3

If he cannot control his behaviour after X number of drinks, then quite simply he shouldn't be drinking that much.

To sort this maybe he just needs to cut down a bit, or maybe he has a serious problem and needs professional help.

In any case the minimum required is he accepts there is a problem and it taking steps to deal with it.

If there are problems in your relationship, then you both need to sit down sober and deal with them.

If he won't sit down and rationally discuss both of the above, then maybe you need to get yourself to a safe place until he realises what's required of him for your relationship to continue.

If he doesn't then take steps to resolve the problems, than it's time to leave him.

LegacyUser

First of all, drinking to forget is not a good sign. Is he always wasted like that if he goes out for a drink? I would not stay with a man who drinks so much he can't remember what happened the next day.

Secondly, if my boyfriend hit me in the way you described (ie out of character), I would be devastated. Devastated because I thought I could trust him. It would take a long time to rebuild the trust. I would've done exactly what you've done and spoken to him. His repsonse to what happened leaves a lot to be desired though. He started crying and hasn't even apologised. Basically he was just worried he'd lose you (hence the crying) and hasn't even stopped to think what the slap has done to change you and the way you look at him.

Looking at the whole scenario, it doesn't look good. If I were in your situation, I would move out for some space to think. It would also give him space to realise what's important to him-he seems to have forgotten that you should be top priority in his life. I'm sure he's top priority in your life.

good luck with whatever you decide

hatz7

Its over. move on, if you think that it will never happen again you are deluding yourself.

Monkey Allen

hatz7 wrote: »

Its over. move on, if you think that it will never happen again you are deluding yourself.

Or perhaps share more information with us before taking the above advice.

Professional Griefer

hatz7 wrote: »

Its over. move on, if you think that it will never happen again you are deluding yourself.

I'm sorry, and I don't mean to cause offense, but this is complete rubbish.

People can sometimes do stupid stuff when they're drunk, and the OP did say he was never like that before, but lets assume I got drunk tonight and broke my window, does that mean I'll do it every night? No.

I'm not trying to defend the op's OH, I think that they need to have a serious conversation about it, tell him to cut down on the drinking, since he can't remember what happened, and especially if ye are in a financial situation.

OP, your OH may have just been really upset and angry at the time, which it sounds like, as well as being drunk, and anything can happen then.

Before you make a choice to stay with him, or leave. Sit him down and have a proper conversation and talk everything out, all the things he said to you that night.

I wish you the best, and I hope everything works out for you.

albeit

You could try and ring a domestic violence helpline or shelter in your own country, these sort of things are sometimes easier to talk about in your first language.

wildlifeman

firstly english is the ops first language and secondly no she doesnt need to ring an abused womens shelter. she needs to talk this out in the cold light of day. i dont think because he slapped you means he will turn into a wife beater.

albeit

wildlifeman wrote: »

firstly english is the ops first language and secondly no she doesnt need to ring an abused womens shelter. she needs to talk this out in the cold light of day. i dont think because he slapped you means he will turn into a wife beater.

Oh ok, English may be her first language but I thought she mentioned that she was from a different country, so there is a chance it's not. Even though her boyfriend will not turn into a "wife beater", it can be useful for her to talk someone as she has been verbally and physically abused. She may just need to talk to someone and express how she feels, it doesn't mean she will have to hide in a shelter and get a barring order. Talking with him is obviously unhelpful as he claims he cannot remember the incident, and does not want to talk about it. If you do decide to talk to someone in women's aid about it, OP, they will let you remain anonymous, and they can give advice on how to handle it if it happens again if you decide to stay, as you seem worried that it may.

LegacyUser

OP I've been debating with myself over whether to answer your post or not as I'm not comfortable talking about my past so have gone unreg.

I was married to a man who was sweetness and light and then one night when he was drunk i got a punch in the face. Much crying and apologies the next day. It would never happen again. He hated himself etc. etc. He meant it and I believed him. Went months but it did happen again. Again the sincerest of apologies. Again i believed him and didn't ever tell anyone as didn't want them thinking he was a bad guy etc.
This continued for years with the violence getting worse (and happening without drink) and the apologies getting scarce.
Fighting back made it worse.
I went from loving him to being afraid of him to despising him. It did stop - he attacked me one night and I told him quite bluntly what I would do to him the next time he fell asleep. I meant it. I couldn't take anymore.
One of my biggest mistakes was covering up for him. To everyone outside the relationship he was still sweetness and light and when I eventually left I was the bad guy.

So OP what you have to ask yourself is do YOU think it will happen again? Are you going to live in fear of saying or doing the wrong thing?

If you believe it won't happen again and you do not feel at all intimidated then go with that but if it happens again walk away.

hatz7

Always better to move on. I'm reading alot of posts that imply sitting down and talking is a good way forward. Its not, leave him. Blaming alcohol, had a bad day, or whatever other excuse is just a losers way out. Maybe so many women stay with abusive partners is because they get the same type of crap advice that alot of people in the thread have offered. Never ever stay with a man who hits you. never, ever, whats the point?

mimi7365

Walk away now and don't look back.

Distorted

Theres so much going on here that would alarm me other than the hitting. Theres the getting drunk to the point of oblivion and losing the ability to look after yourself, the obsession with mamon, the self pitying crying, theres the verbal abuse and "get back to your own country type stuff", theres the failure to volunteer a heartfelt and meaningful apology.

I guess I'm not used to and not prepared to put up with men who use drink as an excuse for awful behaviour. Its not the sort of thing personally I'm used to and would never allow myself to get used to. I can't think of anything more depressing. I cannot see why being single and getting away from this person before your lives get more emeshed and it happens again. Ugh. How can you find this man desireable OP? Who in their right mind could possibly want to be with a drunken, verbally and physically abusive man? Surely he has not already innured you to such awful behaviour in the time you have been with him?

And no, I could never agree with using drink as an excuse for this behaviour, as if its some kind of "confession makes everything all right again". The drink is part of the behaviour, not an excuse for it.

LegacyUser

hi everyone, thanks for the advice on my situation.
Here's an update of what happened.
After a few days from first posting here, I talked to my partner (while he was sober) about how he treated me and how this is completely unacceptable behaviour. He agreed that his actions were not right etc.
He has said this relationship is very important to him and other issues (finances etc.) have got him down and that's why he blew up at me.
After around 20 mins of talking, he apologised, and it was a begrudging apology at that. I basically forced the words 'i'm sorry' out of him!
Now, needless to say I was not satisfied by this but decided to take a few days to let myself think about my next few steps. I was very distant and cold during these days but I think we both needed to step back and assess our situations.
A few days passed and he happened to be out two night at parties/events which had been arranged weeks ago, anyway he came home both night rather sober, he had a few drinks but wasn't drunk.
This intrigued me. I mentioned something like, hey you're sober after a night with the guys etc... and he stated that he has no intention of being the type of man he's been recently and he'd very much like to remember coming home every night rather than forgetting and acting like an idiot. (i'm paraphrasing but its basically what he said.)

I never asked him to stop drinking so much or hinted at it, i just said he was a horrible mean person to me when drunk and so on.
Well, since he's decided to correct his own wrongs, i'm not going to leave just yet. If i'm disappointed by him, I'll leave, if i'm not disappointed by him, then great.
But i need to know whether this will work or else I could regret leaving now and not knowing what could have happened. I may regret my decision to stay if he turns out to be a horrible person in the end, but I'd rather know it than guess at what may have been.
Anyway, lets hope everything works out, the pair of us have a long road ahead.
thank you all for your advice. i'm still keeping it in mind.

kerryman12

best of luck op