Parent found out me+gf are having sex when theyre at work, possibly ruined everything

LegacyUser

The basics of it;

Been seeing my gf for like 6 months or so, very in love with each other. We both live at home so to get around to having sex we'd have to go back to the houses when our parents are at work. Recently we left a bit of "evidence" at hers, which her mother found and flipped.


I can understand her mother being angry, we snuck around behind her back etc. My gf and her mother are very close with certain things, sex being one of them, and because we snuck around behind her back she is saying we hurt her, that the relationship with her and her daughter was all a lie and she can never trust her again. She even broke down in tears several times about it and apparently myself and the gf have "destroyed the family" because of this.

We're two adults, both in our 20s and are in love with each other. I do get that her mother has a right to be angry, it's her house etc, but is she going over board? Like she threatened take my gf's house keys away and asked her to move out asap. I just feel terrible because I helped cause this, I feel responsible. It's upsetting my gf so so much, some of the things she was saying, I was genuinely worried for her lets put it that way (though that seems to of passed but she's still in bits about it, really depressed).

Can I do anything to help my gf or improve the situation?

wasper

Ohpleasehelp wrote: »

The basics of it;

Been seeing my gf for like 6 months or so, very in love with each other. We both live at home so to get around to having sex we'd have to go back to the houses when our parents are at work. Recently we left a bit of "evidence" at hers, which her mother found and flipped.


I can understand her mother being angry, we snuck around behind her back etc. My gf and her mother are very close with certain things, sex being one of them, and because we snuck around behind her back she is saying we hurt her, that the relationship with her and her daughter was all a lie and she can never trust her again. She even broke down in tears several times about it and apparently myself and the gf have "destroyed the family" because of this.

We're two adults, both in our 20s and are in love with each other. I do get that her mother has a right to be angry, it's her house etc, but is she going over board? Like she threatened take my gf's house keys away and asked her to move out asap. I just feel terrible because I helped cause this, I feel responsible. It's upsetting my gf so so much, some of the things she was saying, I was genuinely worried for her lets put it that way (though that seems to of passed but she's still in bits about it, really depressed).

Can I do anything to help my gf or improve the situation?

Your 'inlaw' is over reacting. Does she really expect people to hand persmission slips when ever they want to have sex? So it is her house, but it's her daughter & she she should realise that she is an adult & she can do whatever she wants.

cafecolour

Ohpleasehelp wrote: »

I can understand her mother being angry, we snuck around behind her back etc. My gf and her mother are very close with certain things, sex being one of them, and because we snuck around behind her back she is saying we hurt her, that the relationship with her and her daughter was all a lie and she can never trust her again. She even broke down in tears several times about it and apparently myself and the gf have "destroyed the family" because of this.

Wait, what? This reads not that the mother is angry her daughter was having sex, but angry that her daughter didn't tell her. ie we share everything, and she didn't tell me she was having sex.

If that's so, the mother is very emotionally manipulative, and unhealthily attached to her daughter (and probably needs to get some of her own friends!). It's like a 12 year old who gets upset because her 'bestie' told another friend a secret but not her.

Katgurl

Yeah agree with previous posters there is something not right about the mothers attitude to being left out. You're adults. The daughter lives there so it's not as if you went to house when she was out. The mother is over-involved if she thinks her daughter needs provide details of her sexual habits.

Tread carefully raising this with your girlfriend though, she won't see it like that.

It would be best if she did move out.

Bloody Nipples

That's just downright strange. I read your post expecting to find out ye were teenagers or something not in your 20s. It's a bizarre situation, what was she expecting ye would do? Sex is a personal thing that people have a right to privacy about.

greenprincess

I know it is in her house but unless your girlfriends mother said she didnt want ye having sex in her house I dont see that you did anything wrong! For most people still livin at home but in relationships its something that your parents know it goin on but its just not said!!

kerryman12

sounds to me like the mother is over reacting, but it could be very difficult to get her to see it like that.

Couple of things spring to mind;

you say you want to support your GF, then talk to her regularly, take her out of the house on a date - cinema, dinner what ever. I would also talk to her about calling around to her house every now and again. I know this may be hard but it will support her at home and get her folks used to the idea of you being around.
Do your parent know her's are ye living near by to each other. Would her parents call around to yours. you might want to think about heading that one off at the pass.

Her mother will eventually get used to the idea, do yourself a favour - make sure that when and if you meet her again you are polite and respectfull to her. Be firm if you need to be, but dont get into a argument with her.

best of luck

Cheap Thrills!

The Mother is obviously living in cloud Cuckoo land. The two of you are in your 20's -what the hell did she think?

Anyway, your GF needs to stand up to the Mother politely. Apologise for having sex in the house and leave it at that.

After that it's really none of her business. She will cool down with time.

tinkerbell

First of all, the mother is being really strange with saying that ye hurt her feelings / relationship with her and her daughter is all a lie / can never trust her again / destroyed the family - has she told her daughter / your girlfriend that you are not to be having sex under her roof?

Secondly, ye left "evidence" that ye were doing it. Come on, you two are both in your 20s and ye leave evidence that ye were having sex lying around? You should know better. That's just gross for her mother to find. Put yourself in her shoes. She finds stuff that ye have left lying around and then she has to deal with it, that's gross.

It is the mother's house - her rules. Move out, so you don't have to be treating your girlfriend's mother's house as some sort of hotel. Or else go check into a hotel for an evening. But seriously, have a bit more respect for her mother. Don't leave "evidence" lying around.

LegacyUser

Tinkerbell I do agree with you, we are old enough and should know better, it was a very spur of the moment decision to have sex as we only had a short period of time. You are right, we should of had more respect. Though the "evidence" wasn't like a used condom just lying around the place, was the box we left and forgot because it was fairly out of the line of sight.

It all happened a little under a month ago, and she hasn't calmed down yet, not in the slightest. I do understand how it must look in her eyes, she feels betrayed by it all. My gf and her mother have been through a lot and are close, they do talk about sex and they know a lot about each others "intimate details". A few months ago her mother asked were we having sex and my gf panicked and said no, honestly I probably would of done the same.

I've offered to go over and apologise to her mother, to sit there and let her rant at me, take some frustration out on me and give my gf a break, but my gf doesn't think it will help/won't let me. She does live far enough away (bus into town, bus out) so randomly calling over isn't really an option and would infuriate her mother, unannounced visit wouldn't be clever.

We were all set to meet up today, then obviously the topic came up again (or the mention of meeting me in town) and all of a sudden I got a text saying she couldn't go a few hours after we it was planned. She even appears to not be able to text me infront of her mother as she doesn't text as frequent any more. So I can't take her out to take her mind off it all, I've even gone to a couple of her lectures just to be there with her.

Her mother does seem to be over involved, and it infuriates me that she can hurt my gf constantly so much. If I ever do meet her mother again of course I'd be completely respectful and even over cautious about how I act.

Being told this destroyed your gfs life, the bust up, which in essence means meeting me ruined her life, honestly it really hurts.

Moving out isn't actually a viable option atm, financially, that and 3 days after she'd move out her mother would realise just how much she relies on my gf and how much she needs her. I did tell her, gently, that she needs to stand up to her, and realise that we didn't kill anybody.

limklad

Ohpleasehelp wrote: »

The basics of it;

Been seeing my gf for like 6 months or so, very in love with each other. We both live at home so to get around to having sex we'd have to go back to the houses when our parents are at work. Recently we left a bit of "evidence" at hers, which her mother found and flipped.


I can understand her mother being angry, we snuck around behind her back etc. My gf and her mother are very close with certain things, sex being one of them, and because we snuck around behind her back she is saying we hurt her, that the relationship with her and her daughter was all a lie and she can never trust her again. She even broke down in tears several times about it and apparently myself and the gf have "destroyed the family" because of this.

We're two adults, both in our 20s and are in love with each other. I do get that her mother has a right to be angry, it's her house etc, but is she going over board? Like she threatened take my gf's house keys away and asked her to move out asap. I just feel terrible because I helped cause this, I feel responsible. It's upsetting my gf so so much, some of the things she was saying, I was genuinely worried for her lets put it that way (though that seems to of passed but she's still in bits about it, really depressed).

Can I do anything to help my gf or improve the situation?

If she truly care for her Adult Daughter then she show respect her Daughter privacy and independent and for her to make her choices even if they are blunders and most of all to grow up after all she probably be a grandmother soon..

You both should should have been more considerate to both of your parents homes. The World is big enough to have sex in. To do in your parents roofs is the last place I would do it!!!:eek: The Last thing I want them to be busy nosey bodies and commenting about it.

Can you imagine them commenting about catching their kids in the act, I hear from various people all over the world commenting on it.

"Get it in there hard will you, I want Grandchildren!!" Said One Father in his attempt to embarrassed his daughter.

"Giddy up!!! said a mother to his son one night after he was caught in the Bathroom with a girl he just brought home.

An Australian Father who caught his daughter having sex in his barn. He says to his daughter caught in the act "I hope he shooting Blanks because me gun is not full of Blanks" holding a Shotgun in his hands.

LegacyUser

"limklad" that is incredibly insulting how dare you! Myself and my gf are, bare this one little mishap of leaving a box on the windowsill 95% blocked by curtains, very careful and always use protection and she is on the pill. We are not some stupid teenagers messing about taking huge risks.

It's not like her mother was in the other room or something. The place was COMPLETELY empty, just us there and no one else. We would leave over an hour before her mother was even off work and it didn't even happen that often.

Zaph

limklad, I suggest you read the forum charter, specifically the part about off-topic and unhelpful posts, before posting here again.

Firetrap

I don't know what you yourself can do to help the situation apart from offer your girlfriend moral support. It really is just up to the two of them to patch things up. I'm thinking that even though her mum is put out by you having sex in the house behind her back, perhaps the real reason behind it is jealousy? That you've come on the scene and in a way, are taking her daughter away from her. Or at least relegating her to no. 2 in the closest confidante stakes? Interestingly, seeing as your gf is still living at home, her mum hasn't carried out her threat to throw her out?

The worrying thing from your perspective is your girlfriend's not exactly making an effort to see you. Surely it can't be that difficult to meet up with you. I have to keep reminding myself that ye are in your 20s, not 15 year olds. The thing about not texting in front of her mum is mind-boggling-does her mum stand at her shoulder and read every text she sends? Or is your girlfriend hoping that if she cools things off with you, that all will be well again with her mum?

Mind44

Wow, what a prize manipulator the mother is. I couldn't believe when I got to the end of your post and I read that you're both in your 20s - I thought maybe you're 16 or something.

Her mother's attitude is pathetic. If I was your gf I'd take my mother up on the suggestion to move out. ASAP. You asked what you can do to help. Help her find a place to live.

Does your gf's mom tell her daughter when she's having sex herself? Give her all the details?? Sex is private. The mother's a lunatic.

muinteoir09

I have to agree, the mother sounds like a nutter.

And, to be honest, given how you're gf seems to have been reacting (reduction in texts, cancelling meeting you, etc...) you have to really think about where the relationship is going. At the end of the day, it sounds as though if push comes to shove she will pick her mother over you.

Be careful.

dub_3

OP_Here wrote: »

My gf and her mother have been through a lot and are close, they do talk about sex and they know a lot about each others "intimate details". A few months ago her mother asked were we having sex and my gf panicked and said no

OP just about all the replies on here are telling you that it's unreasonable for the mother to expect to know the details of her daughters sex life.

On the other hand, lying to your parent is also unacceptable and this is exactly what your girlfriend has done. (albeit because her controlling mother has backed her into a corner)

Whether it was appropriate or not, her mother thought she knew her daughters 'intimate details', so she feels hurt / betrayed now.

You say they both have 'been through a lot' without telling us what this is.
Would it be fair to say that this involved issues about trust, and assuming that that the mother could be seen as 'damaged goods' with regard to this.

Suppose the mother does indeed have trust issues and felt her daughter was the only person she could trust. This illusion would now be totally shattered and would explain her over the top reaction.

That's only a guess, but what I am saying is that there seems to be something wrong with the relationship between mother and daughter.

The key to solving your problem is in resolving that relationship.
Unfortunately you have nothing to do with it, it has to be sorted between them.

It could be as simple as the daughter admitting she panicked when asked the 'sex' question. Apologising for the (perfectly understandable) lie and for them to rebuild the trust going forward.

However It's most likely not as simple as that, maybe they need to do some counselling.

It's very hard to say how to help the mother without knowing what it is that has made her the way she is.

LegacyUser

dub_3 wrote: »

OP just about all the replies on here are telling you that it's unreasonable for the mother to expect to know the details of her daughters sex life.

On the other hand, lying to your parent is also unacceptable and this is exactly what your girlfriend has done. (albeit because her controlling mother has backed her into a corner)

Whether it was appropriate or not, her mother thought she knew her daughters 'intimate details', so she feels hurt / betrayed now.

You say they both have 'been through a lot' without telling us what this is.
Would it be fair to say that this involved issues about trust, and assuming that that the mother could be seen as 'damaged goods' with regard to this.

Suppose the mother does indeed have trust issues and felt her daughter was the only person she could trust. This illusion would now be totally shattered and would explain her over the top reaction.

That's only a guess, but what I am saying is that there seems to be something wrong with the relationship between mother and daughter.

The key to solving your problem is in resolving that relationship.
Unfortunately you have nothing to do with it, it has to be sorted between them.

It could be as simple as the daughter admitting she panicked when asked the 'sex' question. Apologising for the (perfectly understandable) lie and for them to rebuild the trust going forward.

However It's most likely not as simple as that, maybe they need to do some counselling.

It's very hard to say how to help the mother without knowing what it is that has made her the way she is.

This actually makes perfect sense dub_3, thank you honestly, I was having trouble truly understanding as to why her mother could be so hurt and I think your correct in what you say. Although I don't quite understand the "damaged goods" part.

I don't want to go too deep into exactly what it is they went through tbh, one because I actually don't know a lot of the details of it and two it's not really my place to know or comment on really. My gf is originally from England and a nasty divorce brought her and her mam back to Ireland, strange relationship with the family in general etc. They do all seem to be a tad mental honestly, and I say that knowing just how insane my family (seriously I could tell you some stories).

And I'm not kidding myself with regard to if push came to shove, of course she'd chose her mother who wouldn't? Like it would suck, I'd heartbroken for quite a while but I'd understand completely. I wouldn't be naive enough to think at our age that we're definitely going to end up together so I'd never ask her to abandon her family, I would never put her in such a horrible situation anyway. Plus she only cancelled the one time.

My gf only had one LTR before I met her, and her mother did not like the guy (with good reason, he was a totally prick and treated her disgracefully, physiologically abusive imo which resulted in a few fears sticking, but we've worked on a lot of them, ie if she forgot has a tutorial which means we have to change plans, which is no problem, and then get worried that I'm angry with her when I don't reply, it was REALLY early in the morning and I was still asleep). When I turned up I was like a hero apparently. We were only going out maybe 5 or 6 weeks when my gf ended up in A&E, suspected apendix but it turned out fine, her mother couldn't get off work and since my gf was terrified of hospitals I went and stayed with her from about 2pm till as long as public transport would let me, it's how I met her mother and I even stayed longer than she did (the fear ran in the family). Another time two (pricks who arn't really around any more thank god) "friends" pursuaded my gf to switch shift (lot of upheaval) and go out with them mid week. She was all set to leave when they txted and bailed, their way of punishing her or something, all very childish. So obviously my gf was upset, got changed into PJs and told her mother she wasn't going out. She txt me upset and annoyed and I thought "right well feck them, you went to the trouble of changing shifts etc so screw them we'll go to the cinema instead and not waste your night off", this apparently impressed her mother. We also seemed to get on when I went over there for dinner once.

I know she's annoyed at me aswell, of course she would be, so this might add to why she's so hurt.

I do feel though that obviously I owe her an apology, but not exactly sure how to go about it tbh. Like a passed on box of chocolates wouldn't really work now y'know.

Zebra3

After a month and the mother still hasn't calmed down, I think the only option your gf has is to move out.