Is it over?

LegacyUser

Hey Guys,

My girlfriend of two years just asked me for a break today. I don't believe breaks work. She says she does not intend to be with other people it is just time for her to think about what she wants. We have been fighting a lot lately and I actually broke up with her a couple of months back due to feeling that she had become distant.

We didn't spend much proper time together, she usually just watched her tv shows and left me to stew. Sex was a non-runner. She had a low sex drive throughout the relationship but there was around a 6 month period where she didn't want sex at all. I have been repeatidly rejected by her. Even little acts of affection were gone. I started to lose motivation, no longer tried to be affectionate or try to initiate sex. But after a few months of that I had enough.

Anyway that break up lasted all of a few hours because she pleaded with me to give her a chance. She would work on it and try to make more of an effort. She did try but would also complain that she was under unfair pressure to try and please me. I told her if things didn't improve we'd have to re-think things in the new year.

I tried things myself, like going to counselling and working on my own problems as our fights were largely instigated by me and my hang ups about our relationship. I think these were due to frustration on my part but anyway One night we were driving into town late she asked if I wanted to eat, she decided we should go to this place but it was about to close so I said we might as well try somewhere else but all of the places were closing and anything else was bad food that she shouldn't be eating because she's on a diet (which she takes seriously) So I said we should forget it but then we started arguing because she said we should eat something bad. I thought it would be unfair for her to spoil her diet.

Anyway she became very upset over this fight, she explained she wanted a sit down meal in which we could talk so it would be nice. The next day it triggered in my mind that because she got so upset she did really care about making an effort and wasn't just plodding along.

So after that the last 2 weeks in my opinion went very well. She was much more affectionate than the previous months. Cuddling, kissing etc. We talked a bit more, had dinner together, watched movies together etc. We had what I thought were minor argument, I was trying to help her with some college work and she went out a couple of nights while I did her work. I just said I couldn't do her work for her anymore because it felt like she was using me as she didn't work as hard.

Anyway to the point, this week she got very upset. We talked for hours and it ended up that because of our fighting she felt it was too much for a 2 year relationship and we should still be in the honeymoon period. She feels nothing she tries is good enough for me and things we have too many issues to get over. She loves me and wants me in her life but things she needs to take a break to figure out if our relationship can be saved.

Sorry for the long post

But you guys are good with advise on here. Do you think in a few weeks she will want to get back together? Or is this her easing into a break up? Is she right? Is fighting after 2 years too much?

Thanks Guys

Katgurl

I'm sorry op but there's something about your post that isn't sitting right with me. It sounds like you are dictating the terms of relationship - how affectionate your gf should be, how high her sex drive should be, how she shouldn't break her diet, how hard she should work at college.

Now I know there is a case for why you'd care about these things; her sex drive affects you directly, you are supporting her on a diet, you are helping her with her work.

I can't really explain it but it's the tone of your post that makes me uncomfortable. It reminds me of an ex I had. I always felt he had a blueprint of how a girlfriend should behave and I should adjust accordingly.

Sorry if I'm being unfair but what is leaping out at me is that you need to listen to your girlfriend. If she is calling a break then she isn't happy. You seem concerned purely with what the outcome will be ie if she's coming back. I really think you should be wondering why she felt the need to leave.

LegacyUser

Katgurl wrote: »

I'm sorry op but there's something about your post that isn't sitting right with me. It sounds like you are dictating the terms of relationship - how affectionate your gf should be, how high her sex drive should be, how she shouldn't break her diet, how hard she should work at college.

Now I know there is a case for why you'd care about these things; her sex drive affects you directly, you are supporting her on a diet, you are helping her with her work.

I can't really explain it but it's the tone of your post that makes me uncomfortable. It reminds me of an ex I had. I always felt he had a blueprint of how a girlfriend should behave and I should adjust accordingly.

Sorry if I'm being unfair but what is leaping out at me is that you need to listen to your girlfriend. If she is calling a break then she isn't happy. You seem concerned purely with what the outcome will be ie if she's coming back. I really think you should be wondering why she felt the need to leave.

It's ok, I can take the criticism. I didn't have any issue with her weight or her diet but if she spoiled it she would moan about it. We were on a plane sitting across from a lady who struggled to fit in her seat and she started to cry because she didn't want to end up like her. She would ask what I'd want for dinner a lot of days and I couldn't really give my input because she was on a diet so felt I couldn't really pick so there'd be a back and forth for an hour until she decided.

Her work, I helped with a few months ago and had no problem with it. I did it off my own back because I wanted to help. This last time I only offered because she started freaking out that she didn't have enough time to get it done. The work in question over all of what I did was at least 40 hours of my time devoted to it.

My only real blueprint of a girlfriend is that we can communicate and are open with one another. She says she finds it too difficult to talk about serious issues. Talking about the break was one of the few times we did talk openly about our feelings. I told her I was willing to work on things and have been. There are a lot of things she brought up over the 2 years that I have worked on or at least tried to work on.

She set a premise very early on in our relationship. I told a white lie, then it came up in conversation and I owned up and admitted it wasn't true she became very upset and said she didn't know if she could be with me because I lied. I promised I'd never lie to her again and I didn't. Unfortunately over the 2 years I have found out she has been lying/deceiving me over the course of the relationship. Nothing big but I feel a bit betrayed.

I have asked her why she left. She has said she doesn't know. Just that there's a lot of small things, she doesn't think we should be having these problems after 2 years. Honeymoon period and all that. I don't know, maybe she's better off and I'm better off...

LegacyUser

I think that she sounds like really hard work and that you have been putting in a lot of effort and the more that you do the harder work she becomes.

No sex for 6 months unless for specific medical reasons to me means that she doesn't fancy you. If you're in a relationship with no affection well then you're just friends, add constant rowing to that and you're not even friends that get on.

I know that I've only heard the one side to this story but from that I'd take the break enthusiastically, maybe insist on counselling before getting back together after it...

Best of luck with it

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies. Re-reading I don't like the way I sound. I sound very petty and a moaned. She is hard work but is worth it. She has said Feb 15th she'll have an answer she is going for some counselling herself. You are only hearing one side I am no walk in the park. I'm insecure about her sexual past. I have been getting drunk and bringing things up and refusing to not talk about it drunk, I've used some nasty words too. Due to me discovering her lies or deceptions over the two years my trust in her would not have been there for months at a time. Some of the things she has done is kiss a girl, hide that she smokes from me and tell lies.

I have curtailed drinking, I didn't drink often anyway. The Nast words I used was when angry after finding out she had deceived me, no excuse I just got angry. She has never called me names so I was out of line.

I'm very confused. I want to safe the relationship but part of me is saying it's time to move on..breaks don't work. I don't want to go through a break up all over again! Because that's how I see it and that's how it feels

Wompa1

Give it a week and see how you feel. Then it should be more clear.

houndsoflove

In my opinion, I think your gf sounds stressed out.

I also think there is a lot of other issues going on with your gf that she needs to sort out. Like obsessing about her weight etc

The counselling should help her out hopefully