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Honest advice wanted from real animal lovers
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22-01-2011 1:21pm#1
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ConfusedOwner wrote: »Hi guys, I'm a regular poster here in animal&pet issues but I decided to go unreg for this one for some honest advice.
Apologies for long post.
Let me start by saying that I've come across some really amazing people on here who really love their animals and its mainly those people I want opinions from- true animal lovers!
- I'm sorry you felt you had to go anonymous for this one.
I have two dogs at the moment, mother and son, both excellently behaved, toilet trained, but completely spoiled I admit. They've always been indoor dogs and I treat them like my family.
- Tbh, this sounds like the problem.
Thing is my partner is having issues with the responsibility of owning dogs, (in some way I am too but I can cope with it). Were a young couple, engaged,have our own (rented) house. We have been living together three years and got our first dog last year. Since then we haven't really had a trip away, no holidays, not many nights out if I'm honest. We leave the dogs for 5 hours max at a time. They come almost everywhere with us during the day, they love the car! Anyway I'll try make this short as possible he says that being dog owners is stopping us from doing a lot of things in life, like going away for weekends, staying at our parents/friends houses, travelling abroad, living in apartments etc. He says it coming between us as a couple and he is tired of having to organise his life around them. Don't get me wrong, he absolutely adores them and would be heartbroken to think of anything bad happening to them, but he just thinks its too much responsibility. It really affected our Christmas this year as we had to bring them to my parents house for the two days we went home for. Made things very awkward I will admit. I just dont see any solutions to this problem though.
-How much of the bold there did you actually do before you had the dogs, and how much of it are you likely to do if suddenly you don't have them? It looks to me that there is a little more to it than what you have said.
I know myself that having them restricts me but its a sacrifice I'm willing to make to have two beautiful loyal smart dogs in my life. We've had relatives look after them from time to time and we've tried boarding but it never works out.
I don't really know what I'm looking for here just honest advice I think, I know I would be devastated if we have to get rid of them. Am I being selfish on my partner? Should I find good homes for them and live a life of freedom that he desires?
Very confused guys.
Thanks for reading x
You haven't said if you are male or female and I think possibly female but it makes no real difference. It sounds like your partner is the one with the issues here, how does this fit in to the bigger picture here? Two dogs are too much responsibility for your OH, - do you have differing views on having children in the future? It's completely normal for most people to feel over-whelmed at some point in their life, it's almost a right of passage
. Sometimes it's a matter of some-one having to step up to the plate and sometimes it genuinely is too much. Personally I have the tendancy to suck it up and I have continued down paths in the past for the sake of proving a point to myself and look back on it now and see it was completely detrimental to do so, it is in my personality though so I have no doubt I will continue to do this :rolleyes:. I'm waffleing now so I will try to go back to the point.
You have said yourself that you have had a tendancy to spoil these two dogs, it could really be as simple as changeing one little thing at a time, 2 dogs should be able to cope fine with being left a little longer especially as they have each other for company. Look around for a decent boarding kennell and start off by dropping the dogs there once a week and spending the day with your OH, this can progress to an overnight stay, then the occasional weekend away and soon enough you'll get your holiday. I really think compromise is the key here and it may materialise that the dogs are not the real issue. Relax a little and loosen the apron strings a little at a time. Men (and women!) often become jealous of their own kids as they feel neglected of the attention they get from their OH, sometimes this is a sign that perhaps they themselves were a little too spoiled when they were the only focus, or maybe some growing up is required.
Hope I've been of some help to you OP and this doesn't read like a load of rubbish as I suspect it might! :rolleyes:0 -
adrenalinjunkie wrote: »You haven't said if you are male or female and I think possibly female but it makes no real difference. It sounds like your partner is the one with the issues here, how does this fit in to the bigger picture here? Two dogs are too much responsibility for your OH, - do you have differing views on having children in the future? It's completely normal for most people to feel over-whelmed at some point in their life, it's almost a right of passage. Sometimes it's a matter of some-one having to step up to the plate and sometimes it genuinely is too much. Personally I have the tendancy to suck it up and I have continued down paths in the past for the sake of proving a point to myself and look back on it now and see it was completely detrimental to do so, it is in my personality though so I have no doubt I will continue to do this :rolleyes:. I'm waffleing now so I will try to go back to the point.
You have said yourself that you have had a tendancy to spoil these two dogs, it could really be as simple as changeing one little thing at a time, 2 dogs should be able to cope fine with being left a little longer especially as they have each other for company. Look around for a decent boarding kennell and start off by dropping the dogs there once a week and spending the day with your OH, this can progress to an overnight stay, then the occasional weekend away and soon enough you'll get your holiday. I really think compromise is the key here and it may materialise that the dogs are not the real issue. Relax a little and loosen the apron strings a little at a time. Men (and women!) often become jealous of their own kids as they feel neglected of the attention they get from their OH, sometimes this is a sign that perhaps they themselves were a little too spoiled when they were the only focus, or maybe some growing up is required.
Hope I've been of some help to you OP and this doesn't read like a load of rubbish as I suspect it might! :rolleyes:
Great reply adrenalinejunkie, its definitely is of help :-)
To answer some of yours questions, I'm female, We done quite a bit of weekend holidaying, staying at friends etc. Maybe twice a month. If I'm honest, if the dogs were out of the picture, we'd probably go back to doing this. I fully admit they are spoiled in some respects- they love to sit on our laps, sleep by the fire, have a lot of human interaction. In other ways though I'm strict with them, they sleep in the kitchen, are only allowed in two rooms of the house. Only get fed, walked at certain times. You mentioned about having kids in the future, we have both decided that kids arent for us and have taken precautions to see to this so there'll be no kids in our future. I suppose in some ways I see the dogs as our family. I just know that deep down I know what he says is true, we have both lost our jobs and don't get me wrong, our dogs are well looked after but boarding on a weekly basis etc would push the budget. I feel like im stuck between a rock and a hard place.
Pros and cons of finding new homes for the dogs.
Pros-
- Less pressure on my partner, won't feel as tied down.
-Will be able to travel further and visit family etc abroad.
-If it comes to it will be able to move abroad for work.
-Will not have to worry about what to do with the dogs if going away for weekend/in hospital/staying overnight in hometown etc.
Cons-
-I love them both to pieces and would be heartbroken without them.
-I never feel alone or lonely when they're around.
-I enjoy doing activities with them and they keep me smiling :-)
I don't know. It's such a tough one. I don't know what I expect anyone to say to me but I guess I just need to share my thoughts with ye guys x0 -
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OP, in all honesty I'm getting a little confused now, you have both just lost your jobs so it sounds like you are both getting a little cabin fever. I don't understand how you could possibly afford to do much of that, you say can't affoard boarding kennels - the cost of this per night is €12 in most places, would that even buy you 2 drinks? If you are both now unemployed you will have no end of time to spend together.
Pros and cons of finding new homes for the dogs.
Pros-
- Less pressure on my partner, won't feel as tied down.
Sounds like the real issue is that he is annoyed because he has lost his job and is trying to find an outlet to vent.
-Will be able to travel further and visit family etc abroad.
You can't affoard this, the cost of kennels would be one of the smaller expenses.
-If it comes to it will be able to move abroad for work.
If?
When this becomes a definate you might be able to consider it as a point, but there is absolutely no reason why they can't go with you.
-Will not have to worry about what to do with the dogs if going away for weekend/in hospital/staying overnight in hometown etc.
Again the cost of kennells for 2 nights is €24. Are you planning on getting sick?
I am probably not the best person to be advising you as I live on €188 a week of which most goes on my horses, €35 a week goes on agility training for my dog, I have to feed myself and what little is left pays the bills. I don't mean any offence here but you have very high expectations here of what social welfare will do for you. If you go back into employment none of your arguements are valid. Tbh it's starting to sound like you are looking for someone to tell you to give up the dogs. Either that or you are in a very controling relationship and you are trying to rationalise the arguments of an irrational person.
I'm going to be blunt here, you haven't even tried to make it work, you want it all and you want it immediately, I have to tell you, you are in for a huge shock if you think you can live this idealistic lifestyle with no money.0 -
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this is quite sad to read
I too am a total dog lover and since we got our goldie our lives too have changed but we knew and accepted that before we got him ...
so its not as easy to just up and leave the house or to go on a last minute holiday or weekend away ....
but in fairness if you have children in the future its a similiar commitment and it wont be possible to decide after a length of time that you are too tied down and need your freedom back
My dog is part of the family and really like a child in the house ... we still go out for nights out cos once he is walked, fed he is happy to sleep while we are out ..
when we go away we put him in boarding kennels and he is grand ...
you need to relax on the issue of leaving them for a night out and research some options for going away ... i tried 2 boarding kennels and settled on the 2nd one even though it was further to travel but i felt my fella would settle in better and he did ... he has spent a week there and was happy as larry and we got emails daily as to how he was
sounds to me that you have 2 very happy dogs so why make them unhappy for the sake of some freedom ...
there are too many dogs straying the roads and in shelters ...your too are warm, safe and well fed - best not to change that
and in fairness if you aint working you may appreciate the company of the doggies 0 -
I haven't had a holiday in over 10 years, weekends away are a no go etc. But I don't see it as a sacrifice on the contrary. Love me, love my animals - true love is not conditional IMHO.
However, if I want to go out for an evening then I will and the house still stands when I come home
. Also, I've got friends who will look after my animals, and trust me OP I got A LOT more animals than you, feed them, exercise them etc.
I have from the beginning insisted that all my animals are easily handled by other people. I do not want my animals to be dependent on me in case I have to go into hospital etc. It is important to me that they are all comfortable around other people and wont stop eating etc if I am not around.0 -
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I think it is NOTHING to be ashamed of OP. I started a thread in the RB group about how your dog effects your social life. For us it's a lot. Like you OP, my husband has more of an issue with it than I do, him being a social soul, and me being happiest in the company of animals.
When we got our pup, I would not leave him alone, then we found our kennels and it was great, it was like getting our life back. A night out a week, woo hoo.
We live far from our friends, and so if the dog is not kennelled, on a night out with friends we either have to stay, or one of us stay sober to drive back. A happy medium we came to is one of us will have one or two earlier in the night, then be fit to drive home early in the morning. Meaning the dog is alone max 8-9 hours overnight, as he would be when we have a lie in anyway.
Now we have another little fella and for now he will not be left for any longer than 3-4 hours. He cannot be kennelled for various reasons, but any night out we have planned for the forseeable future, I have someone booked to spend the night with him.
We plan our hols around the dog when we can, we camp a lot during the summer, and have been places we would not have bothered with was it not for the dog. We spend a lot of time walking in the most gorgeous places, we would not have found was it not for the dog. Like here
Foreign hols, yes we have to factor in the cost of kennels, but it is all part and parcel. If we can't afford kennels, we can't afford the holiday.
I have my cats 10 years, my husband, I met at about the same time. He once tried to pull "me or the cats" and I offered to pack for him. Not just for those cats, but for the whole principle of it. How could I be with a man who expected me to shirk my responsibilities because I had to "sacrifice" a night out occasionally. He is now a proud owner of 2 cats, one dog and the carer of another dog. He takes pride in his little pack and I have to say I admire him for turning his feelings of being "trapped" by the two cats, into something positive and life affirming.
As others have said, pets are a part of your family, a responsibility taken on in full knowledge of what was being done. Does it bode well if your fiancée can get fed up of his responsibilities and walk away from them?
OP I do understand, I really do, but you not only need to decide the fate of these dogs, but also what ramifications being forced to make such a decision will have on the rest of your life.0 -
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When we got our rescue dog and then kept two of the pups she had, my personal situation was that I was at home caring for my grandmother so I didn't get out much. If at all. So I was home with the dogs a lot and as a result, I am, I fully realise, super attached to them. I love coming home to them. I hate the thoughts of going away because I won't be with them.
But here's the thing: that's my issues. Because I have gone away, on guide camp, to a few family functions and to day events, and they have been fine. More than fine actually. We sent them to a very reputable dog minder last year when we had to go to America for a wedding and they were there a week and a half. They weren't a year old at that point and they were fine. I missed them more than they missed me!
My point is that our dogs are more adaptable than we sometimes realise. We perceive them to have more limitations than are actually there. Granted, some dogs just don't react well to strangers but most are fine without their owners for a short period. While it's lovely to include the dogs on outings and walks and trips because they're part of the family, it's also nice for you and for them to have a time out from us. Makes them appreciate you more!0 -
While I do empathise with your situation OP, but I think you are giving up on your dogs a bit to easily.
My OH and I have two pups...we love them to bits.I feel that being a pet owner isn't all fluffy cuddles and long-walks in the woods. It's a huge responsibility. I always say it would have been easier to have kids...people will always volunteer to mind kids but it's harder to get someone to look after dogs. But I wouldn't give my dogs up for all the holidays or nights out in the world.
My OH has been in hospital for two weeks since we got the dogs. He was admitted following a routine test, so we weren't at all prepared. It was a real wake up call for me... I had to organise people to help out with feeding and walking if i was visiting him or had to work late. At the click of a finger, I went from having 50% of the responsibility to 100%.
It was difficult, but I got through it and the dogs aren't any worse off for it. Next time, I probably will put them into kennels for a night or two to take the pressure off me and to make sure they're being well looked after. He is going to require more hospitalisation over the next few years, but I have never once thought I'll get rid of the dogs because my life is a little bit more difficult for these few days. The companionship, company and love they show to me particularly at these times more than makes up for it.
You say your partner is having issues with the responsibility...Was it not a joint decision to get the dogs? Did your fiancee not realise that having two dogs would impinge on the ability to just throw things in an overnight bag and head away?
You say you would only leave them for 5 hours max...that's a great night out for us! As it happens we're heading out tonight, my two are walked, fed and are currently toileting...I know they will be fine for a few hours on their own. Even if we were here, they would just be flaked out on the floor. And I look forward to coming home to their little wagging tails We've even had a couple of house parties, where the dogs have been the least of our worries. We've had to scold guests for allowing the dogs to climb all over them or get up on the furniture, and watch them carefully as they leave to make sure they don't bring one home.
Sorry for the long post, but I just want you to see that you can make the dogs part of your life, that your dogs don't have to become your life.
You said you were based in the south...there was a thread here a couple of weeks ago about a boarding kennel in cork that people were raving about. You should have a look at the thread.
Good luck making your decision.0 -
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The OP has just reminded me why I am single. You both got the dogs & presumably agreed as to how you wanted to keep them. Has something changed ?. Does your partner agree with the way that you relate to the dogs ?. Does he relate in the same way ?.ConfusedOwner wrote: »He says it coming between us as a couple and he is tired of having to organise his life around them. Don't get me wrong, he absolutely adores them and would be heartbroken to think of anything bad happening to them, but he just thinks its too much responsibility.
Too much responsibility ?. Is he being serious ?. If so then why did he agree to get them ?. It really sounds as if he fancied the idea of dogs but is now happy to get rid, providing nothing bad happens. I hope that he doesn't get the same idea with children. You both made a long term commitment that may of meant something to you but clearly didn't to him. Yes you may of over spoilt them but only in the sense of not getting them used to being left & kennelled once in a while. But it is perfectly understandable.
I find your comments that "he absolutely adores them" & "thinks it too much responsibility" as incompatible. Yes there are ways that you could try & compromise but is that going to work if he really no longer wants the dogs ?. Is he always going to think of what he could be doing or what he could of done if you & your dogs had not stopped him.
I once looked on a dating site, out of pure curiosity, for animal lovers as I think that it's a very good idea. You wont be surprised that there were no members in Ireland. I could only live with a woman who related to dogs as I do - especially with three of them in a small house !. She would have to be happy ( & not a pretend to put up with type of happy) for me to have dogs on my lap, two walks every day & goodnight kisses.
After all if I could treat the dogs this well then she is never going to be short of affection. Now form a orderly queue girls. 0 -
The OP has just reminded me why I am single. You both got the dogs & presumably agreed as to how you wanted to keep them. Has something changed ?. Does your partner agree with the way that you relate to the dogs ?. Does he relate in the same way ?.
Too much responsibility ?. Is he being serious ?. If so then why did he agree to get them ?. It really sounds as if he fancied the idea of dogs but is now happy to get rid, providing nothing bad happens. I hope that he doesn't get the same idea with children. You both made a long term commitment that may of meant something to you but clearly didn't to him. Yes you may of over spoilt them but only in the sense of not getting them used to being left & kennelled once in a while. But it is perfectly understandable.
I find your comments that "he absolutely adores them" & "thinks it too much responsibility" as incompatible. Yes there are ways that you could try & compromise but is that going to work if he really no longer wants the dogs ?. Is he always going to think of what he could be doing or what he could of done if you & your dogs had not stopped him.
I once looked on a dating site, out of pure curiosity, for animal lovers as I think that it's a very good idea. You wont be surprised that there were no members in Ireland. I could only live with a woman who related to dogs as I do - especially with three of them in a small house !. She would have to be happy ( & not a pretend to put up with type of happy) for me to have dogs on my lap, two walks every day & goodnight kisses.
After all if I could treat the dogs this well then she is never going to be short of affection. Now form a orderly queue girls.
ROFL :rolleyes:0 -
The OP has just reminded me why I am single. You both got the dogs & presumably agreed as to how you wanted to keep them. Has something changed ?. Does your partner agree with the way that you relate to the dogs ?. Does he relate in the same way ?.
Too much responsibility ?. Is he being serious ?. If so then why did he agree to get them ?. It really sounds as if he fancied the idea of dogs but is now happy to get rid, providing nothing bad happens. I hope that he doesn't get the same idea with children. You both made a long term commitment that may of meant something to you but clearly didn't to him. Yes you may of over spoilt them but only in the sense of not getting them used to being left & kennelled once in a while. But it is perfectly understandable.
I find your comments that "he absolutely adores them" & "thinks it too much responsibility" as incompatible. Yes there are ways that you could try & compromise but is that going to work if he really no longer wants the dogs ?. Is he always going to think of what he could be doing or what he could of done if you & your dogs had not stopped him.
I once looked on a dating site, out of pure curiosity, for animal lovers as I think that it's a very good idea. You wont be surprised that there were no members in Ireland. I could only live with a woman who related to dogs as I do - especially with three of them in a small house !. She would have to be happy ( & not a pretend to put up with type of happy) for me to have dogs on my lap, two walks every day & goodnight kisses.
After all if I could treat the dogs this well then she is never going to be short of affection. Now form a orderly queue girls.
Dammit, and me like a fool getting married to someone else recently.
:pac:0 -
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while i understand where you are coming from "feeling tied" down etc.. iam really surprised that your stressing soo much about it... are you considering rehoming your fdogs as they restrict your movements?? if so... i am very shocked by this.. i would never consider rehoming my dog for any reason let alone one soo trivial
We have a six year old cocker... and yes he is very much part of our family etc... and yes we are restricted in certain ways etc... ie we have to take him into consideration when making decisons etc.. but he a brillant dog, fabulous friend and he deserves to be happy as we all do...and why wouldnt i take him into consideration.. i have to take my hubby into consideration when making decisions.. so it wouldnt be any different with the dog...
On the going out thing... i am a little confused... why do you not want to go out?? we still go out every weekend.... we just make sure our guy is well walked and excercised etc and he just sleeps when we're out...
Booking weekends away... you need to find kennels your are happy with.. we found a lady thats minds our guy in her house (not a kennel set up) and he adores her... so we book him in..... we're happy and he's happy...
A dog is a brillant addition to any household.. and yes their needs have to be taken into condideration ... and so they should be.... but as for restricing your life to the level that you mentioned is madness...
i think you may need to relook at how your treating your dogs... my guy i would consider spolit... but not to the level; where im unhappy avbout having him or to the level that i cant leave him for a night out...
its all about striking a balance... a balance when your dogs are happy and you are happy being a dog owner..0 -
The grass isnt always greener on the other sides. dont give up on your dogs, trust me you will feel very lonely if you. do my wife would be the dog lover of our relationship, and yes we also have had this issue in the past. but to be honest I fell in love with her cause she is who she is therefore accept her ways, I see it as a quality rather than a hinderance and Im sure deep down also does your OH. we had a French Mastiff that we had to rehome as we had to move to house in the town my wife still misses him and sheds a tear from time to time, we live back in countryside again but its too late now. the people who have him are very kind and loving to him as I am friends on FB with them but my wife cant even look at there page as it breaks her heart if she does just please take this into account and dont make any hasty decissions kk 0
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The OP has just reminded me why I am single. You both got the dogs & presumably agreed as to how you wanted to keep them. Has something changed ?. Does your partner agree with the way that you relate to the dogs ?. Does he relate in the same way ?.
Too much responsibility ?. Is he being serious ?. If so then why did he agree to get them ?. It really sounds as if he fancied the idea of dogs but is now happy to get rid, providing nothing bad happens. I hope that he doesn't get the same idea with children. You both made a long term commitment that may of meant something to you but clearly didn't to him. Yes you may of over spoilt them but only in the sense of not getting them used to being left & kennelled once in a while. But it is perfectly understandable.
I find your comments that "he absolutely adores them" & "thinks it too much responsibility" as incompatible. Yes there are ways that you could try & compromise but is that going to work if he really no longer wants the dogs ?. Is he always going to think of what he could be doing or what he could of done if you & your dogs had not stopped him.
I once looked on a dating site, out of pure curiosity, for animal lovers as I think that it's a very good idea. You wont be surprised that there were no members in Ireland. I could only live with a woman who related to dogs as I do - especially with three of them in a small house !. She would have to be happy ( & not a pretend to put up with type of happy) for me to have dogs on my lap, two walks every day & goodnight kisses.
After all if I could treat the dogs this well then she is never going to be short of affection. Now form a orderly queue girls.
Wow, you should really meet my sister. Match made in heaven!0 -
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