Friend hinting at being bridesmaid

LegacyUser

Hi all

I am 28 and i am getting married this December, I have everything pretty much sorted. I am having 2 bridesmaids my sister and my best friend. However one of my friends keeps hiting to be a bridesmaid and TBH shes pissing me off.

She got married 2 years ago, 2 days before the wedding she rings me crying and says her sister broke both her legs and cant be a bridesmaid. She asked me to be seen as i was the same size dress as the sister, and I didnt want to let her down so I said yes.So i was her bridesmaid for her.

So roll on 2 years later after being engaged for 7 years my fiance says we should set our date.So we did. I have everything sorted as I am a very organised person. I got the bridesmaids dresses sorted just before Christmas. I got them in a sale and they both fitted my bridesmaids perfect (they are both size 10s and have been that all their lives so wont have to worry about them putting on weight )

But basicaly the friend i was a bridesmaid for seems very put out about not being a bridesmaid. Whenever im sorting wedding stuff she says "You should have 3 bridesmaids not 2", or "The colour of the bridesmaid dresses really suit my skin tone. Now not trying to be funny but why does she thnk she should be my bridesmaid? I was only hers because she rang crying and begging me to help her, which i did.

My fiance just says "Just let her be it to shut her up" , and it had entered my head. The bridesmaid dresses i got go to a size 12 in the biggest, and she is a big girl, she is a size 26 in a jeans. So if i was to make her a bridesmaid i would have to get all new dresses and i will be out of pocket. And i know she wont lose weight to get into a dress because she bought a size 18 wedding dress for her wedding and said she would slim into it, and a month before the wedding she ended up having to go biy another dress 2 sizes bigger because she hadnt slimmed into the other one.

I just dont know what to do here

u_c_thesecond

b_maid wrote: »

The bridesmaid dresses i got go to a size 12 in the biggest, and she is a big girl, she is a size 26 in a jeans. So if i was to make her a bridesmaid i would have to get all new dresses and i will be out of pocket.

the dresses dont all have to match

b_maid wrote: »

And i know she wont lose weight to get into a dress because she bought a size 18 wedding dress for her wedding and said she would slim into it, and a month before the wedding she ended up having to go biy another dress 2 sizes bigger because she hadnt slimmed into the other one.

so you dont want her to be your bridesmaid because shes a "Big girl"? Thats unfair

Larianne

You want two bridesmaids at your wedding. That's what you want.

Tell her this. Or make up an excuse that two bridesmaids is all you can afford if you wish.

If she keeps going on about it, ignore her.

astra2000

Maybe you could ask her to do a reading/prayer of the faithful so she will be involved. It doesnt make sense to go and buy 3 new dresses and presumably get another groomsman too.

Penn

Surely if you add another bridesmaid, your fiancé will have to add another groomsman?

I'd just leave it to be honest. Let her keep hinting if she wants. She'll soon get the message. The fact that you've already selected 2 bridesmaids and didn't ask her should be enough to show her that she isn't going to be a bridesmaid.

It's your day. Changing the bridesmaids dresses or buying new ones is ridiculous just to please one friend. Someone will always be left out. You were almost left out of hers only for the accident to happen, and she's going to be left out of yours. It's her problem to deal with.

LegacyUser

u_c_thesecond wrote: »

the dresses dont all have to match

To me they do. i dont want mismatched dresses at my wedding, i have seen it done before and its awful



so you dont want her to be your bridesmaid because shes a "Big girl"? Thats unfair [/QUOTE]

WHAT? did you even read my post. i said IF she was going to be my bridesmaid i would have to change the dresses because the ones i got dont come in her size

Cathmandooo

You have to tell her out straight or she'll never leave you alone. Tell her you have your 2 bridesmaids and wont be having any more, decision is final.

She may throw a strop (probably) but sure she's annoying you anyway so she doesn't sound like any loss if she is annoyed at you for a while.

I really wouldn't go changing your plans to suit her, she sounds awful cheeky.

Squiggler

YOU get to choose your bridesmaids, they do not get to choose themselves.

Maybe stop discussing the wedding with this girl. If she is not involved in the wedding she does not need to know the details, assuming she is an invited guest she will find out on the day and if she is not a guest she'll see the photos

Weddings are a very stressful time. I broke off an engagement (and relationship) a few years ago just 6 months before the wedding. Like you I had a friend who had decided that she was going to be a bridesmaid, she nearly drove me insane about dress colours and patterns. There were also several others like her who felt that they knew best how things should be done. All this and no support from the prospective groom.

Years later, planning with my now husband, I knew better. We made the plans, kept them to ourselves, told the family and friends invited where to be and when and everyone had a very relaxed and enjoyable time.

Best of luck with everything. When all is said and done it is just one day out of your life, but you definitely shouldn't let anyone make it miserable or stressful for you.

reprazant

u_c_thesecond wrote: »

so you dont want her to be your bridesmaid because shes a "Big girl"? Thats unfair

Eh, thats not what she said at all.

She said that if she wanted to include her as a bridesmaid, since she already has hers chosen, she would need3 new dresses.

Stop projecting.

Pebbles68

I just don't get it.

So you were not her original choice? But now she expects to ber your original choice. Politely tell her you can only afford 2 bridesmaids, they are chosen but if anything happens either of them she is next in line, just as you were.

ziedth

^ this is great advice and exactly what I would do in a male version of this.

Cathmandooo

I'd be very careful about saying that you can only 'afford' 2, she might end up volunteering to pay for her items and extras :eek:

u_c_thesecond

reprazant wrote: »

Eh, thats not what she said at all.

She said that if she wanted to include her as a bridesmaid, since she already has hers chosen, she would need3 new dresses.

Stop projecting.

what you mean projecting?

all the threads about is weight

what size her bridesmaids are
The fact that they wont put up weight
That the dressed dont go beyond a size 12
the fact her friends a size 26(which is irrivelant) sp
that her friend didnt lose weight for her own wedding

The only reason she wont have her is because of her weight, if she was a size 10 this wouldnt be an issue

dub_3

Are there other friends that you're closer to, or other family members that are better potential candidates for extra bridesmaids (if you'd wanted more than 2).

If so tell he that she can't be No 3. cos <other_friends_name> would be offended she wasn't included. Especially as you've already told her that you would have used her as a bridesmaid but you can't afford more than 2, or the groom thinks 2 is enough and you want to keep him happy.

Remind her she didn't choose you for a bridesmaid at her wedding.


P.S. Isn't it about time you apologized for breaking her sisters legs, I know you just fancied the dress, but really that was a bit extreme.

P.P.S Keep a close eye on your two bridesmaids, if anything happens to them ,you know who will be expecting the last minute callup.

tenchi-fan

I'll make it easy for you

If you decided to pick a third bridesmaid, before all her hints, would it have been her? Or would you have had a better friend or family member in mind?

If you would have picked someone else over her you definitely should not change your plans.

RedRoseMafia

u_c_thesecond wrote: »

what you mean projecting?

all the threads about is weight

what size her bridesmaids are
The fact that they wont put up weight
That the dressed dont go beyond a size 12
the fact her friends a size 26(which is irrivelant) sp
that her friend didnt lose weight for her own wedding

The only reason she wont have her is because of her weight, if she was a size 10 this wouldnt be an issue

You really need to re-read the original post, you're making this out to be something it's not. The OP obviously doesn't want this friend to be a bridesmaid because she and her fiance have already sorted the wedding party out and they've chosen the people they wanted. This girl is trying to be inlcuded and the OP is giving reasons why she doesn't want her, including the fact that the girl will not fit the bridesmaids dresses already purchased (they only go up to size 12) so the OP will have to buy three new dresses if she wants them all identical, which means she'll be out of pocket. It was the financial aspect she was focusing on, not the weight issue itself. And the whole thread is NOT about weight, just the last paragraph. Again, read the whole post and, as the other poster said, stop projecting.

OP, you obviously do not want this girl to be a part of your wedding party, so just tell her that your wedding party has already been chosen and you and your fiance want to keep it small. You don't owe her anything, in fact you did HER a huge favor when you agreed to be her bridesmaid on short notice. Not many people would jump in like that and save the day!

So don't worry about it.

Chinafoot

u_c_thesecond wrote: »

what you mean projecting?

all the threads about is weight

what size her bridesmaids are
The fact that they wont put up weight
That the dressed dont go beyond a size 12
the fact her friends a size 26(which is irrivelant) sp
that her friend didnt lose weight for her own wedding

The only reason she wont have her is because of her weight, if she was a size 10 this wouldnt be an issue

Are you actually reading the same thread as the rest of us?

This girl's weight is not "the only reason she won't have her". She asked her sister and her best friend as she is presumably a lot closer to both of those than she is to this girl. Christ, the girl in question didn't even want to the OP as her bridesmaid to begin with.

Her weight is relevant if it means the dresses the OP has chosen and paid for can't be used. The OP didn't make the bridesmaid selection based on the girl's weight and is instead mentioning the girls size and inability to lose weight as a valid explanation as to why it's not as easy as just buying another dress and letting this girl be her bridesmaid. Weddings are an expensive business and the OP is merely thinking of the money she'd lose if she had to buy 3 new dresses. Thats entirely reasonable.

If the OP hadn't mentioned weight at all would you still say she was being mean for not asking her to be bridesmaid? Or is the weight issue all you can focus on, thus completely missing the entire point of the thread?

OP, I agree that saying you can't afford it could be dodgy ground given how persistant she's been already. She sounds like she could very well decide to pay for it herself. Personally I'd tell her that you're not planning on any other bridesmaids and your fiance isn't planning on any other groomsmen but, as another poster brilliantly said, she'll be first in line should anything happen just like you were for her.

wylo

OP , just keep letting her hint away, but dont give her any indication that you are considering 3 bridesmaids , its her problem not yours. Now I have to be honest and say that if you were her first choice at her wedding things might be a little different, but you werent so you are guilt free.

u_c_thesecond

Chinafoot wrote: »

Her weight is relevant if it means the dresses the OP has chosen and paid for can't be used..

she didnt have to point out the girl was a size 26, that was irrelevant

Chinafoot wrote: »

mentioning the girls size and inability to lose weight as a valid explanation as to why it's not as easy as just buying another dress and letting this girl be her bridesmaid...

As i said in an earlier post which the OP ignored, the dresses dont all have to match, so its only one dress she has to buy, and isint it worth it to keep a friendship

Chinafoot wrote: »

If the OP hadn't mentioned weight at all would you still say she was being mean for not asking her to be bridesmaid? Or is the weight issue all you can focus on, thus completely missing the entire point of the thread?..

size and weight are mentioned 6 times in the thread its hard to see anything else

spinandscribble

u_c_thesecond wrote: »

what you mean projecting?

all the threads about is weight

what size her bridesmaids are
The fact that they wont put up weight
That the dressed dont go beyond a size 12
the fact her friends a size 26(which is irrivelant) sp
that her friend didnt lose weight for her own wedding

The only reason she wont have her is because of her weight, if she was a size 10 this wouldnt be an issue

Yes, what of it? It'll be added expense to have a extra girl she doesn't want on top of it and she'll either need to get someone to make this girl a dress to match or leave her as the only one in a non matching dress or buy 3 new ones?

And why should she? so the friend can get what she wants? its all silly business. the op was the sub anyway. Can't get over the check of the friend tbh.

the size was mentioned to make it clear how big she is so a dress would have to be made or a new set of three purchased. Like it or not thats the reality. she only mentioned her friends weight for her own wedding because its clear slimming not a option (nor should it be, being asked to slim down for a wedding by a bride must be the most horrible thing anyway).

tenchi-fan

u_c_thesecond wrote: »

she didnt have to point out the girl was a size 26, that was irrelevant

She said the friend's weight fluctuates and she could end up not fitting into the dress.

u_c_thesecond wrote: »

As i said in an earlier post which the OP ignored, the dresses dont all have to match, so its only one dress she has to buy, and isint it worth it to keep a friendship

Isnt it worth being bullied into something just to keep a friendship? Of course it isn't!
And while you say all dresses don't have to match, it's nicer when they do.

u_c_thesecond wrote: »

size and weight are mentioned 6 times in the thread its hard to see anything else

Time to get over it... either way, the op decided not to have this girl as bridesmaid. It seems the op is trying to validate this decision by focusing on the girl's weight. But if you read between the lines, the op already had made her decision. I'd imagine getting ready for the wedding is stressful enough without the fat friend making things awkward for the op.

Chinafoot

u_c_thesecond wrote: »

she didnt have to point out the girl was a size 26, that was irrelevant

We can agree to disagree there. If thats the size the girl is, thats the size she is. The dress the OP wants for her bridesmaids isn't available in her size. Simple as that.

u_c_thesecond wrote: »

As i said in an earlier post which the OP ignored, the dresses dont all have to match, so its only one dress she has to buy, and isint it worth it to keep a friendship

Why should the OP have a 3rd bridesmaid in a different dress? She doesn't want this girl to be her bridesmaid. This girl didn't want the OP to be her bridesmaid, a point you have chosen to ignore. Anyone who would put that kind of pressure on someone who is trying to organise their wedding is't much of a friend. Its selfish and presumptuous of her to assume she can be bridesmaid. The OP has chosen people close to her. She has made her decision and shouldn't be forced into adding a third. You might think its because this girl is overweight, but chances are you're on your own there.

u_c_thesecond wrote: »

size and weight are mentioned 6 times in the thread its hard to see anything else

Its hard to see anything else when thats what you're choosing to focus on.

And yet again, they were mentioned by way of explanation perhaps as a preemptive response to posters like yourself who think that the OP should just give in and let someone else make demands on what is her and her fiance's day.

You didn't answer my question. If the OP hadn't mentioned weight would you still be telling her to just let this girl be her bridesmaid?

ongarboy

u_c_thesecond wrote: »

she didnt have to point out the girl was a size 26, that was irrelevant



As i said in an earlier post which the OP ignored, the dresses dont all have to match, so its only one dress she has to buy, and isint it worth it to keep a friendship




size and weight are mentioned 6 times in the thread its hard to see anything else

I don't think I have ever read such a flawed argument as this. Re your "just to keep friends" point, if 7 of her "size 10" friends dropped hints to be bridesmaids, would she oblige all of them just to maintain friendship??? Of course she wouldn't. Choosing bridesmaids and groomsmen is a personal choice. OP and her fiance decided already who they wanted and the numbers. A bride or groom should not have to add more just to keep a selfish friend content.

OP made a number of valid reasons to justify her dilemma before she brought up the size issue (she needn't have had to bring size up in fairness as there were many other justifiable reasons why she shouldn't choose this girl). But OP brought it up in the context of her being forced to change her chosen style/pattern to fit the size of this pushy friend, This was the issue, and not "I don't want an obese monstrosity spoiling my wedding party photos" as you seem to be projecting. I notice you have already posted on a "slagging fat people" thread today so you seem to have an issue when the words like large/overweight are mentioned and completely take them out of context. I suggest you try to be more objective.

CathyMoran

Just a point, she would be a matron of honor not a bridesmaid as she is married. Weddings are always going to be things where you can not please everyone.

RedRoseMafia

CathyMoran wrote: »

Just a point, she would be a matron of honor not a bridesmaid as she is married. Weddings are always going to be things where you can not please everyone.

Not necessarily, I had a married bridesmaid at my wedding. The maid or matron of honour is usually someone very close to the bride and it's considered a special honour to be asked, so I doubt that the friend would expect that.

RedRoseMafia

u_c_thesecond wrote: »

As i said in an earlier post which the OP ignored, the dresses dont all have to match, so its only one dress she has to buy, and isint it worth it to keep a friendship


size and weight are mentioned 6 times in the thread its hard to see anything else

Maybe the OP wants all the dresses to be identical? If you like the idea of multi-coloured dresses, then have them at your wedding, but don't assume that, just because you like the idea, others will feel the same way.

If you feel the need to count how many times size and weight are mentioned in a post, then maybe you're the one with the issue here and not the poster. As you might have realised by now, you're the only one who is making a big deal about it....

Silverfish

Based on an IP check, I'm closing this thread.