Need advice on very personal situation

LegacyUser

hey regular boardsie going unreg

basically met a guy a couple of years ago... became really close friends and had an amazing friendship that was so positive and rewarding and best friendship I'd had in years.

Guy calls quits on friendship for no reason, knew he had been suffering from depression and OCD and had some personal issues in his life.

That was July 2010 when he told me to **** off (literally) out of his life but have done nothing to deserve it. After much heartache and upset have tried to rebuild friendship because i genuinely care about him and have been left completely worried about him. All attempts to communicate with him have been met with stone cold silence. Am seriously worried about him.

Genuinely care and want to be there for him regardless of situation. Guy won't respond to any communication whatsoever, completely worried about him, has made me so sad, really saddened me that has depressed me so much that he would do this. Have cried every day and night since July on this situation.

Any suggestions on what to do? Any comments/feedback welcome

Outkast_IRE

tough one really , but if the guy is determined to act like this there seems to be nothing you can do to change his mind , all you can do really is let him know you will be there if he realises his mistake and then leave it at that .
By forcing the issue with him you will prob just make it worse.

LegacyUser

Hi I feel your pain and I know how hurtful and confusing this is for you. Two of my husbands sisters have done this type of thing, the reason why is they both have a heridetery illness and one of the side effects is depression. They have cut family members and life long friends out of their lives for no reason. It is so hard to understand and come to terms with when you are on the receiving end and there is no rationalising with them.
My first bit of advice is do not take it personal it is his illness causing him to behave like that, and you havent done anything to deserve. I would advise you not to bombard him with texts calls etc, but maybe once in a while maybe once every one or two months, send a text or a card saying you are thinking of him and will always be there should he need you. Keep it short and simple. In the mean time accept what has happened and that it is out of your control, please dont go spoiling your life worrying and stressing about the situation, that would be pointless and could put your own well been at risk. I hope this works out for you op.

Reesy

Is there a mutual friend who could ask why he dumped you as a friend?

LegacyUser

thanks for your replies and kind words - i'll be taking the advice on board.

sadly there used to be a mutual friend, and I did ask some months ago for their help in finding things out, but he was most unhelpful and unsympathetic and refused to help me out (would not offer comfort to the situation, just put me down about it) and well, that's a whole other can of worms, but short version is that he was jealous of the two of us, which this mutual friend actually confessed.

I feel like I need closure but happy closure on the whole sad situation. I care deeply for this guy and still wish to be friends, with a clean slate. I just really just want to understand what happened from his point of view and talk things out, which is what I've asked since it happened. It's got to the point where some very important aspects of my life can't move forward and I feel that the situation has cut through my ability to trust especially as in getting to know this guy resulted in me tearing down some barriers that I had up for years.

I feel that some sort of positive contact and closure with rebuilding the friendship would mend the lack of trust I now have because the situation has been resolved.

LegacyUser

jackdanielsapolocolapse wrote: »

thanks for your replies and kind words - i'll be taking the advice on board.

sadly there used to be a mutual friend, and I did ask some months ago for their help in finding things out, but he was most unhelpful and unsympathetic and refused to help me out (would not offer comfort to the situation, just put me down about it) and well, that's a whole other can of worms, but short version is that he was jealous of the two of us, which this mutual friend actually confessed.

I feel like I need closure but happy closure on the whole sad situation. I care deeply for this guy and still wish to be friends, with a clean slate. I just really just want to understand what happened from his point of view and talk things out, which is what I've asked since it happened. It's got to the point where some very important aspects of my life can't move forward and I feel that the situation has cut through my ability to trust especially as in getting to know this guy resulted in me tearing down some barriers that I had up for years.

I feel that some sort of positive contact and closure with rebuilding the friendship would mend the lack of trust I now have because the situation has been resolved.

I've been the guy in a similar scenario.
The reason I broke off the friendship was because of unrequited love for the girl in question.

I just could not cope with being in love with her and knowing that she would never feel the same way about me.

Time passed (about 18 months), and I got over it. We're back in contact again.
Give your friend some time, and hopefully he will get over it too, if the situation is the same as mine.

Wagon

jackdanielsapolocolapse wrote: »

thanks for your replies and kind words - i'll be taking the advice on board.

sadly there used to be a mutual friend, and I did ask some months ago for their help in finding things out, but he was most unhelpful and unsympathetic and refused to help me out (would not offer comfort to the situation, just put me down about it) and well, that's a whole other can of worms, but short version is that he was jealous of the two of us, which this mutual friend actually confessed.

I feel like I need closure but happy closure on the whole sad situation. I care deeply for this guy and still wish to be friends, with a clean slate. I just really just want to understand what happened from his point of view and talk things out, which is what I've asked since it happened. It's got to the point where some very important aspects of my life can't move forward and I feel that the situation has cut through my ability to trust especially as in getting to know this guy resulted in me tearing down some barriers that I had up for years.

I feel that some sort of positive contact and closure with rebuilding the friendship would mend the lack of trust I now have because the situation has been resolved.

I hate to break this to you but nobody just gets rid of their best mate for no reason. Something bloody big would want to have happened. Did you ever, for a second, consider that this lad might be in love with you and you didn't have the feelings in return? Yet you used him as an emotional crutch? Because in my experience and observation, this is a pretty common reason for what just happened to you.

Also, he's suffering from fairly serious mental health troubles. He might just be trying to get his life sorted and the best you can do for him is to leave him alone and let him do it. One of my best mates did that, disappeared for 2 solid years, then came back one day. We're all going out to get locked tonight yet again and it's like nothing has changed.

Try to bear in mind that you don't need this guy. You have to be able to look after yourself.

LegacyUser

Wagon wrote: »

I hate to break this to you but nobody just gets rid of their best mate for no reason. Something bloody big would want to have happened. Did you ever, for a second, consider that this lad might be in love with you and you didn't have the feelings in return?

but that's just it..... there were certainly deeper feelings than friendship on both sides and he knew how I felt and he's had a green light. and it was even him who said there was something between us and said that i ticked all the boxes. He always knew where he stood with me and what I felt. We acted like a couple, spent time as a couple, but it was never formalised. And yet there was a very deep friendship there too.

if anything i care for him deeper than a friend, miss him and his company more than anything, would only be too happy if we talked. but with feelings it got confusing a lot of hot and cold from his side, everything indicated he very much liked me, but he would say he didn't have feelings.

And Wagon, I'm happy for you that your friend came back.. I only hope that maybe some day the same will happen for me, but at this stage... I would very much like that gift.

LegacyUser

And again, thank you for your replies....

but putting any romantic feelings aside, I'm deeply concerned for him and care deeply for him as a person, first and foremost. I found a really beautiful person in him with characteristics such as selfless humanity that really impressed me to the point that I know, deep down inside, if there was never romantic love between us, I would always still love him for the person that he is.

I only hope that someday he will put himself in contact with me again, in the meantime I just hope I can still have faith that day will come, patience to last, ears to listen, wisdom to understand and compassion to give him positive energy and kindness.

Firetrap

I don't think there's anything you can do really. The ball's in his court and he knows where to find you. I think for this guy the most important thing is that he gets help for his problems. I also detect - maybe I'm wrong here - that perhaps your friendship was a bit too full-on and intense for him and that he needed more space?

LegacyUser

Firetrap wrote: »

I also detect - maybe I'm wrong here - that perhaps your friendship was a bit too full-on and intense for him and that he needed more space?

I have considered that yes. I can admit that I do have a major flaw in sometimes being too passionate and intense (which he also could be too) but that is easily reeled in should it ever be an issue. Easily addressed when necessary and when made aware of, although it was never expressed (unless the marching orders were to be considered so?).

Perhaps I did over step something on that side yet unaware of it, it is possible and when that outburst came, I did ask, yet nothing was confirmed.

SparkyTech

Hi OP

All you can do is let him know your there for him. People break off contact for a variety of reasons and it may not nessesarily be you personaly - Mental health issues can affect us far deeper then we think, and you never really know whats going on in someones life behind closed doors. Make it clear to him you care about his welfare and want to help him out, maybe voice your concerns on the quiet to his folks or friends he's stll in contact with aswell? He needs to go to his GP/Councliier and get professional help. Thats all you can really do on your end if he's unwilling to reciprocate the friendship at the moment.

I agree with Firetrap that for whateer reason on either side of the friendship feelings or views held about the other person might have run a little intense. You have enough burden to bear yourself without taking on other persons aliments too. I think you need to take some time out for yourself. I don't mean switch off compleatly from it - but take some time out to clear your own head and get a level perspective

Best of luck

LegacyUser

I just want to give you all a heartfelt thanks for the advice on this and for being able to relate. It's good to get perspective from another side and know that I'm not alone on this.

I think I kept this issue bottled up too long inside of me only because I felt nobody would understand, or would belittle me, as the ex-mutual friend in the situation did when I looked to him for help and forced me to deal with it alone.

I know I have more work to do on myself to let out the sadness and get perspective, for truly losing someone that became an extra component to the person that I am and made all the pieces come together has left me sad that they're not here to enjoy what they encouraged to blossom.

He has my support 100% whether he knows it or not, I only hope that some day he realises it.

Just to also say, apologies if this has come across emotional, but it's good to finally get this out of me as it has weighed on me for too long and wasn't expecting such positive and kind words.

Thanks again!

SparkyTech

Grieving over a friend you once loved is the same as grieving over a lost pet or close relative, its no less emotional or heartbreaking.

I always think out of sight, out of mind is a good option in situations like these. Throw yourself into hobbies, sports, friends, tv, walks and a good book to help keep your mind busy and occupied

kerryman12

Hi OP

Its clear to me from your posts that you really do care deeply about this person. It must be very very hard to have this person push you away like that.

You mentioned in your posts that ye both have feeling for each other, I get the feeling that this was probably somthing that ye both skirted around rather than discussed openly. Maybe its possible that he feels pretty sure how you feel about him but isnt 100% sure, and is afraid to act. The result is he is hard on himself, factor in his issues and in his head hes very hard on himself.
ITs very hard to reach out to someone who dosent want your help. Maybe less is more in this case.
WE dont always get to choose in life how things end, I guess that is what people call baggage - but it seems to me you are doing what you can in this case.

Best of luck

Kyman12

LegacyUser

Thanks again for the input and advice... I certainly will be taking it all on board.

And yes it's true kerryman12, I can't even imagine what state he's in, or how hard he's being on himself, but I do honestly hope he's being kind to himself and that he can find a way to heal himself... I just wouldn't want him to be under strain and anguish unnecessarily as he certainly doesn't deserve to feel that way.

Thanks all for your kindness

sporina

Hi OP, at the end of the day - you cannot force friendship on him - and you have you look after yourself. Sure you are worried about him - but are you missing him more than worried about him? Ask yourself that. In a way, you have to respect his decision. I know it is hard but it seems that he has issues that he needs to sort out - and they are probably no reflection of you - but perhaps your and or your friendship was a symptom of the problem.
Or perhaps he did not feel the same for you?
As long as he knows that you are there for him - as a friend - should he ever decide to get back in touch with you then i think you can move on.
But you do have to move on - god knows what is going on in his head. Depression has be terrible - and really play with peoples minds.
I say move on - you cannot change people.

LegacyUser

The worry is real and is more important than missing him. It's more important to me to know that he is ok and have a response related to that, not even to reassure me but just to know, than it is to have him reciprocate any emotional feelings or sentiment to me. And I do worry because I do know where depression and its trails can lead to, as I have known people in my life that because of depression have done destructive harm to themselves and lived, and those that ended their lives because of it. I only hope that neither of those apply in this case.

Again, thanks for the food for thought, everyone that has contributed has helped a lot and certainly will be taking all perspectives and advice given on board.

I think that this is as resolved as things can be for now and I certainly appreciate people taking the time to respond and help as you've all been great.

Mods I'd be happy for this thread to be locked so that energies of boardsies can be put to positive use for others and nobody would feel the need to post.