headwrecked

LegacyUser

Ok here it goes!! Met a guy awhile ago, I'm 27, he's 31. We get on well, I feel very relaxed around him, which is unusual for me cos usually when I first meet someone I can be a bit uptight and shy. He treats me well, seems interested in what I have to say etc and we seem to have a good bit in common. First time we went out we went for drinks and just kissed and held hands and that. Second time though we went back to his and went further, I didn't wan't sex and he was fine with that.

Usually its me who texts first and he always texts or else rings me back but it might be a few hours later (I know he has a busy job). Last few times we planned to go out hes rang a few hours before and says hes held up at work and it'll be after nine before hes out (even though hes busy it does seem a bit unrealistic to me as he has an office job although works to deadlines) so can we just meet in his or mine instead, we usually get dvds or bottle of wine when that happens, that was fine once or twice but now I feel like we should go out. We're not a couple, hes made that clear, and thats fine by me although eventually I would like more, he says he just wants to see how things span out and that it may progress, but I feel like if we're only dating then maybe we should be going out and not sitting in like an old married couple-am I being realistic or a spoilt brat?

I'm not saying I want to be wined and dined- I always pay my own way! But it seems like since I've moved further in the sex line that I may have become a bootie call. What do you think?I don't want to bring it up cos I don't want to seem possessive or teritorial but toight he has really p!ssed me off. We had arranged to go cinema earlier but he had said all along that he might not get out for 9 cos of work. He text at lunch to say he wouldn't make it and I was disappointed but understood. But then ten minutes ago he text locked saying he worked till 8 but then went to pub, so he would have made cinema!! If he had of just told me all along he was going for drinks that would have been fine I realise I'm not the only person in his life!

Another thing, we've only ever gone out once at weekends. He's from Galway but when we first met he told me he only goes home once in the summer for a few weeks and then for few weeks at xmas. So fair enough he went home at xmas, but the two weekends since xmas he says hes gone home and now the same this weekend! Am I just a midweek bootie call?

I did call him on the bootie call a few nights ago and thats when he said he didn't know where this was going but that I certainly wasn't a bootie call!

Much help needed, I can't stand the thought of being hurt again, I'd prefer if he was just straight with me!

IrishEyes19

Personally OP, I dont like the fact that he cant give you an answer.
I know now the guy has said he isn't sure where it is going. But truthfully that isnt a fair answer in my opinion either, especially if you have been seeing him for a while, and the fact that he was late and went to a bar rather than stick to the plans he made with you, doesnt sound too good either.

Perhaps wait and see a little more if this routine continues, however I feel this man doesnt want a relationship to be honest and you sound like a girl who does.It sounds harsh but no man or woman, is ever going to admit to the person they are seeing that they are a booty call and risk losing that person. it seems to me you may have to weigh up the pro's and cons about this guy. I really do believe no new relationship with any person should have you worrying to this extent and that goes for all relationship kinds. It's supposed to be the honeymoon phase at this stage and it sounds like you're stuck in a rut. I would advise to move on and find someone new.

curlzy

Hey OP,

To be honest he sounds like a bit of a game player and head wrecker. It also sounds like he doesn't welcome you saying what you want. That's not good. Personally if I sleep with someone I expect that we're going out and that it's a monogomous relationship but I understand that not everyone is like that. I'm 28 and I've only ever slept with 2 people, both of whom I was/is in a long term relationship with, maybe I'm old fashioned in that regard. But to me it sounds kind of hurtful to be sleeping with someone but not be intimate enough to tell him what you want? Like you've been sleeping with him for weeks but he's not sure where it's going and blew off the cinema to go to the pub and also all you ever do is watch dvds and shag instead of going out. I don't want to hurt your feelings but I really think he sees you as a bootie call. I doubt you're happy with that at all and it doesn't sound as if he's mature enough to be honest about wanting a fckbuddy situation so I really would call it a day if I were you, you deserve alot more than what he's offering. I wouldn't bother even talking it out with him, he doesn't sound the most up front and honest of people, that alone would make me call it a day, I can't stand games and miscommunication but it's really up to you. Best of luck whatever you decide.

P.s I just wanted to add that there absolutely nothing wrong with expecting a bit of romance!

Fittle

There's nothing 'wrong' in what he's doing OP. He has been honest with you, saying he didn't want a relationship - this is the line I detest, because straight away, when you decide to accept this 'status' it is very difficult to move on and develop whatever is happening, into a relationship.

Anyway, he doesn't want a relationship.
You do.

Decide if you're willing to continue this arrangement, because he will continue with it, as long as you are prepared to go along with it.

I am also guessing that he could have another woman in the mix somewhere - but I could be wrong.

Best of luck OP - we all deserve a proper 'relationship' btw, remember that;)

Peanut2011

OP, i could not agree more with what curlzy stated!

I know I am pretty old fashioned when it comes to this and a lot more is accepted these days, however my feeling is that you are just a booty call.

There might not be anyone else, but he just does not want a relationship. After all, why would he when you have so far given in to all he wanted!

dublingal80

Hi OP

firstly have to say, you remind me of myself SO much. Always putting the guy first, always thinkin of him, making the effort, when they let ya down ALWAYS sayin its ok and giving him excuses for how they act -- i understand about work, friends etc. And never getting the affection you deserve

Im not into playing games when it comes to a relationship, so I know what im saying is a bit contradictive, but, why do you always text him first? Do you think if you didnt contact him first, that you wouldnt actually hear from him all day? If the answer is that you dont think you would hear from him, is that someone you want to be with?

Are you not a small bit peed off that the last few times you have had plans that he has had to cancel them because of work? Is he making any effort?, ie suggesting, "well since we couldnt go to the cinema tonight, how about we go on tomorrow instead" or does he just let it slide?

Why dont you suggest to him that you guys should go out for dinner/drinks/see a film, and if he does it again ask him to reschedule. Let him make the effort of picking a date and a time that suits him. And if he ends up cancelling again op you seriously need to have chats with him. You dont wanna be wasting your time

You need to be able to talk to him. You need to be honest and if things are already this muddled and if you are afraid to say anything to him, will you ever be able to just tell him now you feel? You deserve to be romanced, and i dont mean him bringing you out for dinner, paying for drinks, paying for cinema etc. You just deserve to go out in public with him. Nothing better than getting proper dressed up, making the effort and having fun together


Sit back OP and think about what you deserve. You deserve to be with a guy who knows how special you are, who wants to be with you. Who WILL actually text you first so you know they are thinkin of you, someone who if they cancel plans with you one night, he is already making plans for the next night because he cant wait to be with you.

You are special op. You only deserve the best. And if he isnt making you happy, why be with him?

IrishEyes19

I completely agree with what everyone is saying here, furthermore,OP, you need to make it clear to him, if its good enough for him to want to sleep with you, occasionally go out with you, then your good enough to take things further and have a relationship.

Why get the milk for free type of scenario here, he's getting the benefits of a girlfriend without having the commitment or title attached to it. I personally dont think thats good enough especially if you want some clarity. I would recomend sitting him down telling him what you would like to see happen and if his answer isn't good enough, walk away. At his age anyway there should be more structure to this in my opinion. I'm well understanding of young men in their early twenties not knowing or wanting serious relationships, but if this man cant match up to your expectations and what you would like to have, you're flogging a dead horse and I could see a "its not you, its me. I just dont want a serious relationship" line coming your way. So I would get out before that happens.

midlandsmissus

I've been there.

It's easy for women to end up in this kind of scenario because when you really like some-one,you end up thinking "he's not ready for something serious right now, maybe it will develop into something serious when he's ready".

THIS NEVER WORKS.

Once a guy sets it as casual and you accept it, that's what it is - casual.

You need to cut it off honey. Tell him you don't do casual and you expect more. Then cut off contact.

This will work one of two ways: it will give him a chance to miss you and he will come back to you, or he will move on and you will know what he thought of you in the first place.

Never get into a casual relationship with some-one you like. Let them know you deserve more.

I cut of my casual relationship and the guy was shocked, he couldn't believe it . Feel so much stronger already.

Sending you love.

45772

midlandsmissus wrote: »

I've been there.


Never get into a casual relationship with some-one you like. Let them know you deserve more.


Midlandmissus that is so true what u said and sound advice to the OP..she does deserve more...we all do!:rolleyes:

LegacyUser

sun_sea_sand wrote: »

Much help needed, I can't stand the thought of being hurt again, I'd prefer if he was just straight with me!

Do the following and you should be fine :


1. Ring him up, tell him that he's messing you around and you don't want to see him anymore. Say 'Take care' etc, and sign off.

2. Forget about him once you've put the phone down.

3. Then go out this weekend with your friends and enjoy yourself.


The start of a (possible) relationship really shouldn't be as hard as this guy is making it!

Miss Fluff

I have a feeling you might end up getting hurt here OP unless you decide to take some control.

There are usually a few give-aways when you know whether a guy wants to move it into the relationship zone.

• Is he a man of his word or does he often break promises?
• Does he call you every time he tells you he will?
• When you set up a date does he always do anything within his power to keep the date or does he sometimes reschedule?
• When he says he'd do something for you, does he stick to his promise and follows up on his proposal or does he act as if he has forgotten?

The way a man treats his promises to the woman in his life is a VERY CLEAR
indication how serious he is about her tbh. What are his priorities? Do you always come first, or do you come last? When he is making plans
for a weekend, does he invariably keep you dangling in case nothing better comes along? Or does he inquire about your plans for a weekend to make sure he gets to see you every time, or does he inquire about it in case he has nothing else to do?

If he isn't putting you first just yet, he isn't ready to move your relationship to the next level of commitment. Does he often talk about the future
of the two of you? A bloke who is serious about you and your relationship, and who sees your relationship (or potential relationship) as something
long-term will ALWAYS talk about the future! As you are just starting out, it doesn't actually have to be a conversation about where you are going to spend your honeymoon or what you are going to name your future children, but a man who sees you in his future will always talk about it with you to get the feel whether you are on the same page with him. It could be a very near future, such as spending a weekend together going down the country, or going to a concert in the O2 in a few months or a rugby match in a few months time. If a man tells you about what he wants you two do in the future, he is definitely seeing you in it at least for the time frame that he is referring to.

Tbh the biggest alarm bells for me (besides from him being honest and telling you he doesn't actually want a relationship - men often do what they say on the tin so its not like he's made wild promises here!!) stem from the fact he cancels/reschedules at the last minute. I think it shows a lack of respect and that he is not putting you first. I've been there and while someone can be delayed once or even twice at a push, not being "available" unless its totally on his terms shows you're pretty low on his list of priorities.

If you want my honest opinion I'd be inclined to call it quits. And for God's sake don't sleep with him again.

Firetrap

Yeah, got to agree with the others I'm afraid. He has told you that you're not a couple and doesn't seem all that pushed about whether things progress on the relationship front. Sure enough, things haven't.

Sometimes actions speak louder than words and this is the case here. Naturally he's not going to tell you that you're a bootie call if that's the way he sees you. Perhaps you mean a bit more to him than that but not enough for him to call you his girlfriend.

You sound really nice and like someone who wants to be in a relationship. Unfortunately, it looks very like this guy isn't it. I know it's not going to be easy to cut the cord on this one because you like him but honestly, I can't see him changing his tune at this stage.

LegacyUser

Thanks so much for all the replies and the advice!

Heres an update!

He text and rang about 2 o'clock fri morning, he must have been drunk- I decided not to answer! Fri morning I didnt' answer his texts and then about one o'clock in the day - I get a text asking if I'm annoyed about him going for drinks the night before when we were supposed to cinema, decided to leave him hanging and about 4 he rang and I answered!

He seemed quite concerned about why I didn't answer and quite p!ssed off and I said to him-now you know how I feel. He played dumb saying he had he had no idea it bothered me that much and that I should have spoken up- I reminded him I had but he said he never got indication that I felt like that from what I said.

He wanted to meet last night, but it was my brothers 21st party and I told him I couldn't, so he asked would I go to his after for a 'chat' and we could discuss where this was heading! Foolishly I did although I did get some answers. As soon as he opened the door to me he tried kissing and touching etc. I told him I needed to talk first.

I explained exactly how I felt, he said he was shocked, that he didn't think it was possible to have such strong feelings so early on. He explained to me he'd rushed into relationships before and gotten hurt. I asked him him did he really think I was the kind of girl who'd hurt him, he said you can never tell. i told him he had to make a decision what he wanted and until he did things wouldn't be going any further again.

He seemed ok with that and I left. This afternoon he text and said he was sorry I felt used that that was never his intention, but that he couldn't commit yet, he needed to go out a few more times first and see what happens but that he was happy to go back to no sex untilhe'd decided.

Hes at a work function tonight, was supposed to bring a plus one don't know if he did, but if he did it wasn't me! He suggested meeting tomorrow for walk in Howth and lunch which seems like it'll be innocent enough, but just waiting to see if it actually happens, with his track record it might not!

What do people think of this update, do you still have the same opinion of him as previously? My head is wrecked!!

IrishEyes19

How long have you being seeing him, OP, if its been longer than 3 months, Id put a time limit on his decision process and wanting a few more dates to decide. Personally after two months I know when I want to commit or not.

LegacyUser

IrishEyes19 wrote: »

How long have you being seeing him, OP, if its been longer than 3 months, Id put a time limit on his decision process and wanting a few more dates to decide. Personally after two months I know when I want to commit or not.

No hasn't been three months been about 7 dates over the space of about 3 and a half weeks so we have seen each other a good bit!

IrishEyes19

Sun_sea_sand wrote: »

No hasn't been three months been about 7 dates over the space of about 3 and a half weeks so we have seen each other a good bit!

oh, OP, I dont think thats a hell of a lot to be honest. Im changing my tune now because I thought it was a matter of months. I wouldnt be asking about the future until 2 months in at least. He might be a bit freaked to be honest. Its very early.

Chucky the tree

3 and half weeks and your breaking his balls for a relationship already? I'm not surprised he's unsure.

Miss Fluff

To be fair OP you probably should have said at the start of your post that you are only actually seeing the chap a few weeks, that changes things somewhat and it is way way too early to be putting a gun to his head to commit

LegacyUser

Hi OP,
I can relate to this guy alot....to be honest, it sounds alot like me and the last 'thing' I had with a girl. Allow me to try explain my situation and hopefully it'll help you understand where this guy's head is...

I hooked up one night with a female aquaintance...it developed into hanging out maybe once a week.....bottle of wine at her place type thing on a Friday night...not dating so much in public in the first couple of weeks...."Perfect" I thought... I thought this girl was great, sound, beautiful, cool, interesting etc...I just didn't see it to be longterm, that's all - The reason probably because I have been badly burned by past girls so I didn't want to commit myself at all...once bitten twice shy and all that craic - I felt it was a real shame, because this current girl ticked all my boxes, but I just had a thing in my head about girls since the last time.

Like your situation...I rarely initiated contact, but I didn't want the girl to think I was in for the long haul, but when we hung out it was fantastic...and no it wasn't all about sex..was just great chatting and having a laugh - messed up, eh! Maybe you can relate your situation to this.

Anyway..eventually...I got the 'what the hell's going on' thing from her - totally expected, because of how I was acting, and I had to say 'sorry I don't want to go out with anyone' - and that was that! what a waste eh? Guess us guys need to sort our own heads out before we go messing with others'!

If I was to say anything, I'd say give the guy a break - it's easy for other girls on here to go - " You deserve someone who will put you number one, and treat you like a princess etc" - I can see where they're coming from, but sometimes it aint that easy.
Decent normal people always get pi$$ed on by idiots...and believe it or not, that has an affect on the normal person - I know it has definitely affected my opinion of women, and maybe your guy is in the same boat....all I'm saying is that it doesn't automatically make us guys the a$$holes...its just past life experiences that has thrown us off course.
Dont get me wrong I absolutely love women and in general they're fantastic, but when you find someone that you think is really special etc, and they turn around and pi$$ all over you, it really has an affect.
I'm sure it's similar for women with respect to guys...

Who knows, you could be the girl to finally sort his head out...just take your time...if he hasn't been 'proper close' to a girl in a while, he might not be as experienced as you in the whole dating game...and so (like me), he might not realise how unimpressed a girl is, by doing something like cancelling a meetup and not rescheduling for example..

...and just because we dont always do/say the right thing all the time and we might piss ye girls off, it doesn't automatically mean we're players and not trustworthy and dishonest and have a string of other women after us...
You have to remember that guys don't buy magazines with articles about 'how a first date should go' or 'how long should you wait for a text before you know he's not interested' etc etc etc!

anyway...just thought I'd share this with you...take from it what you will...just something worth thinking about

...oh and Best of luck I'm sure you're a gem and I wish you all the best, whether this works out or not....sounds like you like the guy , so I have me fingers crossed for ya

right....rant over..!

Hairspray

Op your post sounds like it could be me. Also the previous poster sounds just like a guy who i saw a while ago.

Basically i was friends with a guy for 3 years. We got on like a house on fire, loads in common, we both went out with other people in the course of these 3 years. During that time i saw him get hurt very very bad . It was very upsetting to witness/hear about because no one likes to see a friend upset. It changed his opionion on women and being able to trust them.

So his realtionship ends, but his pain continues and my realtionship of 15 months also ended. It sort of clicked at some point however that we both like each other and decide to give it a go.

Intially it was about having fun, and we never did really go on dates. It was more so going back to his either at the end of the day or after a night out and getting down to buisness. He was a nice guy but i got the whole "Im not ready for a realtionship thing" quiet a bit. Looking back in hindsight neither was i.

Anyho i to like you text him first, never really knew where it was going, he didnt really have a clear answer. Made plans and never kept them, didnt ask to hang out properly, always busy.The fact we had been friends for 3 years really complicated matters too.

If a guy really likes you and is looking for a realtionship he will make the effort trust me.

I was seeing someone since then and he was different. He text me first, telling me he would love to take me out on a date. When we were out he was already planning our second and third date! He rang me first asking me how the day was etc and the word sex didnt come up once! Unfourtunatley it didnt work out in the end for my own reasons but when you meet someone who wants to actually go out with you, you can tell the difference instantly. Someone who is stringing you along is JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU.

Move on asap op.

IrishEyes19

helping_hand wrote: »

Hi OP,
I can relate to this guy alot....to be honest, it sounds alot like me and the last 'thing' I had with a girl. Allow me to try explain my situation and hopefully it'll help you understand where this guy's head is...

I hooked up one night with a female aquaintance...it developed into hanging out maybe once a week.....bottle of wine at her place type thing on a Friday night...not dating so much in public in the first couple of weeks...."Perfect" I thought... I thought this girl was great, sound, beautiful, cool, interesting etc...I just didn't see it to be longterm, that's all - The reason probably because I have been badly burned by past girls so I didn't want to commit myself at all...once bitten twice shy and all that craic - I felt it was a real shame, because this current girl ticked all my boxes, but I just had a thing in my head about girls since the last time.

Like your situation...I rarely initiated contact, but I didn't want the girl to think I was in for the long haul, but when we hung out it was fantastic...and no it wasn't all about sex..was just great chatting and having a laugh - messed up, eh! Maybe you can relate your situation to this.

Anyway..eventually...I got the 'what the hell's going on' thing from her - totally expected, because of how I was acting, and I had to say 'sorry I don't want to go out with anyone' - and that was that! what a waste eh? Guess us guys need to sort our own heads out before we go messing with others'!

If I was to say anything, I'd say give the guy a break - it's easy for other girls on here to go - " You deserve someone who will put you number one, and treat you like a princess etc" - I can see where they're coming from, but sometimes it aint that easy.
Decent normal people always get pi$$ed on by idiots...and believe it or not, that has an affect on the normal person - I know it has definitely affected my opinion of women, and maybe your guy is in the same boat....all I'm saying is that it doesn't automatically make us guys the a$$holes...its just past life experiences that has thrown us off course.
Dont get me wrong I absolutely love women and in general they're fantastic, but when you find someone that you think is really special etc, and they turn around and pi$$ all over you, it really has an affect.
I'm sure it's similar for women with respect to guys...

Who knows, you could be the girl to finally sort his head out...just take your time...if he hasn't been 'proper close' to a girl in a while, he might not be as experienced as you in the whole dating game...and so (like me), he might not realise how unimpressed a girl is, by doing something like cancelling a meetup and not rescheduling for example..

...and just because we dont always do/say the right thing all the time and we might piss ye girls off, it doesn't automatically mean we're players and not trustworthy and dishonest and have a string of other women after us...
You have to remember that guys don't buy magazines with articles about 'how a first date should go' or 'how long should you wait for a text before you know he's not interested' etc etc etc!

anyway...just thought I'd share this with you...take from it what you will...just something worth thinking about

...oh and Best of luck I'm sure you're a gem and I wish you all the best, whether this works out or not....sounds like you like the guy , so I have me fingers crossed for ya

right....rant over..!

Thats all well and good, and I totally agree Ive been with a guy like this before and he was burnt too in the past. However its best therefore to make your intentions clear in the beginning. It saves people getting hurt. Fair enough if the guy has been hurt by the past, but its not fair to then go and hurt the girl he's seeing, if a few months down the road he tells her he's not in it for the long run.

@OP, you need to take it easy now. Its only been three weeks, you're going to scare this guy away if you keep asking him. If 2 months go by and nothing happens move on, but otherwise you need a bit more time to know each other I think.

LegacyUser

hanks for replies. Think some of them have given me a reality check. Never saw the short time we've gone out as too short suppose cos my feelings for him are so strong so just thought he'd know by now too how he felt!

I've decided to take a step- if he texts me about the walk today then well and good if he doesn't I won't be texting first. I'm going to take that approach for the next or two and see what happens- if he wants me he knows where I am. Thanks for all the help!

LegacyUser

sun_sea_sand wrote: »

He text and rang about 2 o'clock fri morning, he must have been drunk-

A call at 2am = booty call. When I read this, I barely read the rest of your post. I just thought 'Game over'.

I would never stay with a man who did this to me. It shows a total lack of respect. If you want a man who shows you respect, do not stay with this guy. On the other hand, if you're just looking for a bit of fun with no strings (which seems to be what he's looking for), stay with him. It's up to YOU to figure out what you will and will not accept in a relationship. If the guy you're seeing is not on the same page as you are, drop him and find a guy who is. You're better off alone than trying to second guess this guy's motives.

aquaman

OP... 3 weeks hmmmm.. he has said it's not a relationship and you were ok with that. So it must have been a shock to him when you laid down this ultimatum so early. In fairness to him he has been honest with you and is prepared to hold off on being intimate while ye figure out whats happening..

However... there are two relevant factors to consider here:

- If he has said it is not a relationship, you have agreed that it isn't, then as far as he's concerned the arrangement is for mutual consenting sex and other company. He's not being a prick here, its what ye have agreed on pretty much.

-Secondly the fact that he's not initiating contact, breaking arrangements, generally not seeming too arsed indicates that he's not 'falling for you'.. This may be as there's just not enough spark/chemistry between the 2 of you... or perhaps as a previous poster suggested he's holding back due to bad experiences in the past, or maybe not letting himself as in his own head he's not ready for a relationship...

So if it's a relationship you want you are taking the correct course of action which is to end entirely the current 'arrangement' and begin some traditional old fashioned courting and see where that leads you.

Best of luck OP

LegacyUser

This is definitely a booty call and because you gave him sex so early in the 'relationship' (even though he told you it's not a relationship) its unlikely to ever develop further because when he calls you he expects sex, he doesn't see the need to wine you and dine you or show you off in public because by simply inviting you over at 2am, you'll give him sex without him having to make effort or alter his life in any way, the perfect ideal booty call.

Also beware that he may have another female in his life too, some of what you say there sounds rather suspicious.

LegacyUser

Thanks for replies. I've never really had a relationship before so I suppose I was nieve and stupid in sleeping with him so soon. I just wish it could be more. Could it ever be more do you think?Could things ever be more between us? Or have I been stupid?

I know I consented to sex, he never forced me he always said we could stop if I wanted, but I think in my own stupid head thought that if I had sex with him it would naturally progress to be more. He never led me on, he was honest from the start, I just have no experience of these things.