Break up, phone okay?

LegacyUser

Hey,

I've been seeing this girl for close for 4 months. It's been pretty casual, normally only meeting up to go out at weekends etc.

That is primarily down to me being me. I've got some personal issues and I dont really get close to women easily. She kind of knows that (I warned her very early on) and has been very understanding.

Anyway, I need to finish the relationship. I really don't think it's going anywhere and it's not fair on her. Although I don't mean to, I'm basically stringing her along.
I would like to finish it as amicably as possible. There are two reasons for this. Firstly, she is a sweet girl and I want to hurt her as little as possible. Secondly, she is a family friend... or at least, her family are family friends.

So, there you have it. I've been struggling on how to do it, as I haven't had much practice in the last while.
Is it okay to do it by phone? It seems to be the easiest on both parties, but I could be just convincing myself of that. (i.e. for her too, isnt it easier to take the bad news over the phone?)
If we had had a more serious relationship I would certainly be doing it in person, but it has been very casual*. The only thing that makes me consider doing so is that I wish it to be amicable, and I want to do the right thing here. I just don't know what that is.

*It's been so casual that it will be awkward to do it in person. i.e. I would specifically have to arrange to meet in a fashion we normally would not, therefore she will probably guess what it's about anyway and might end up much more awkward and uncomfortable for both of us.


So, what's the advice?

shoes34

breakUp1 wrote: »

Hey,

I've been seeing this girl for close for 4 months. It's been pretty casual, normally only meeting up to go out at weekends etc.



Anyway, I need to finish the relationship. I really don't think it's going anywhere and it's not fair on her. Although I don't mean to, I'm basically stringing her along.
I would like to finish it as amicably as possible.


Is it okay to do it by phone? It seems to be the easiest on both parties, but I could be just convincing myself of that. (i.e. for her too, isnt it easier to take the bad news over the phone?)


If we had had a more serious relationship I would certainly be doing it in person, but it has been very casual*.

My advice is do not do it by phone, its been 4 months not 4 dates so it would be kinder to do it face to face especially if she is a familly friend. If you do it by phone it won't be amicable or at least that is my view.

Pebbles68

sunflower27 wrote: »

Meet her in person. If she thinks it's unusual and probably suspects, so what. Do the right thing OP. She deserves that much.

Exactly what she said

LegacyUser

Okay, I will do it in person so.

so.... em.... what would you advise. I really should do it tonight. I'm supposed to be going out this weekend with her. And if I leave that go ahead it will just make it all the harder. I have only seen her for a few hours in the last two weeks, so its the right time really. But I'm just terrible at this. I can say hurtful things without meaning to, and I'm afraid I will do just that..... sometimes I can be overly honest, and honesty is not actually what most people want. (they think they do..... but they dont)

Do I just call her and ask her to go for a drink tonight? Do I do it over a drink? When I drop her home? Or do I just say I want to meet up for a while, call over and start talking once she's in the car? Christ, I'm like a teenager..... not a clue. Due to previously mentioned personal issues, I haven't been in a relationship for 10+ years. I normally finish them well before they get to this stage, i.e. before it's really a break up.

Sephiroth_dude

Do it face to face if you can,at her place if possible.

AnonoBoy

Most people know when they get the "Can we meet, we need to talk" text that it's not going to be good. But the mature thing to do is do it face to face.

Only when it's going to be hard to see them or if it's a long distance thing would it be ok to do it by phone.

LegacyUser

I'm of the opposite opinion. I think given that you have only been casual and meeting on weekends, it's perfectly fine, and easier for both parties to do it in person. No awkward hugs goodbye or teary moments.

I'm a girl and in that situation, I'd definitely prefer to have it done over the phone.

dub_3

breakUp1 wrote: »

I haven't been in a relationship for 10+ years. I normally finish them well before they get to this stage, i.e. before it's really a break up.

I know it's not what you came on here asking,
but shouldn't you try and get some help with your personal issues.

Maybe it's time you stopped sabotaging your life.

What's the point of going out with girls if you have to dump them before you even get to know them?

curlzy

You break up with girls before you can get close to them??? Sounds like you have serious issues. That's a very lonely way to lead your life . A friend was telling me about a book called "Men who can't love" that sounds like it could help you, you should check it out, apparently though men that can't love are usually in denial so I'd be curious if you'd be willing to read it?

thefeatheredcat

It is always better in the majority of situations to do things in person, especially where break ups are concerned and where any outstanding questions or communications can be made and out of the way with there and then. I think it's more decent, anyway.

The problem with doing it over the phone by text is that she could get the text and have a million questions (especially if this is something very unexpected) but may be frustrated if it should be the case that you choose not to respond to the texts because of your own issues.

I've been dumped by text, IM, email and phone which came across cowardly and dishonest and much more hurtful. I've yet to meet a man that has the balls to be respectful and decent to have the courage and take responsibility to do it in person.

Best to meet on neutral territory but privately if possibly, so that if she gets upset that she doesn't have to feel embarrassed about it in front of others.

If it's yourself that's driving, it would be an awkward drive home for her sitting beside the man who just dumped her, so please spare her that.

Other than that, just be honest and upfront and kind.

Brown Eyed Girl 2011

breakUp1 wrote: »

Okay, I will do it in person so.

so.... em.... what would you advise. I really should do it tonight. I'm supposed to be going out this weekend with her. And if I leave that go ahead it will just make it all the harder. I have only seen her for a few hours in the last two weeks, so its the right time really. But I'm just terrible at this. I can say hurtful things without meaning to, and I'm afraid I will do just that..... sometimes I can be overly honest, and honesty is not actually what most people want. (they think they do..... but they dont)

Do I just call her and ask her to go for a drink tonight? Do I do it over a drink? When I drop her home? Or do I just say I want to meet up for a while, call over and start talking once she's in the car? Christ, I'm like a teenager..... not a clue. Due to previously mentioned personal issues, I haven't been in a relationship for 10+ years. I normally finish them well before they get to this stage, i.e. before it's really a break up.

Hi OP,

Don't do it as you drop her home, do it before then, over the drink or a coffee or whatever. Don't have her thinking everything is fine during the evening and then floor her with the bombshell on the drive home.

Try and think about what you'll say first.

PS I know it sucks being dumped, also sucks pretty badly being the person doing the dumping. So the fact that you're worrying is pretty normal.

LegacyUser

whatever you do op, give her some sort of signal in advance. a quick text, or even better call her to arrange meeting up, but do add in some kind of ''we need to talk''. as said, she'll probably guess what's coming, and it allows her to prepare for it.

an ex broke up with me in this way : we had tickets to a gig that night, and he was going to cook for me in his place before we went out. on the phone that day when i called him he said he was in tesco getting the ingredients but we'd meet in a bit. no hint. when he arrived where we were meeting in town, he had the stuff in tesco bags. no hint. i said i had picked up the tickets for the gig and he said ''oh great''. no hint. see where i'm going? it was on the way to my car when he finally did the breaking up. not nice for me. he then had the cheek to ask for a lift home!

don't be that guy!!!!

LegacyUser

dub_3 wrote: »

I know it's not what you came on here asking,
but shouldn't you try and get some help with your personal issues.

Maybe it's time you stopped sabotaging your life.

What's the point of going out with girls if you have to dump them before you even get to know them?

you're right, it's not what I came on here looking for. I just mentioned it to show it's an unusual situation for me. But appreciate you pointing me to get help.... that process is already underway.

curlzy wrote: »

You break up with girls before you can get close to them??? Sounds like you have serious issues. That's a very lonely way to lead your life . A friend was telling me about a book called "Men who can't love" that sounds like it could help you, you should check it out, apparently though men that can't love are usually in denial so I'd be curious if you'd be willing to read it?

You're both jumping to conclusions on what my issues actually are. I'm not going to get into it, but suffice to say it's not commitment-phobia.


Thanks to everyone for all the advice.

IrishEyes19

I dont think the personal issues of the OP should be called into question here to be honest. He's looking for some advice on how to break the news properly, he's already stated he's dealing with whatever issues there are.

@OP, just do it nicely thats all really, I think the way you end it affects really everything, I remember nasty breakups far more than the nice ones and those are the ones done by text or phone which are so lousy that truthfully Id never look at person again for how it was conducted. It will be uncomfortable, and awful, theres no doubt about it. Its going to hurt either way. you just have to be firm in your decision and kind, theres no going back if you truly dont want to. Dont give this girl hope either, as there might be tears. I would just be honest and say, it was fun but truthfully its not what you want right now and you wish her the best. its the kindest way.