so my dad died

LegacyUser

And I don't really know if I'm out of tune with the rest of the family... Maybe I'm behind or ahead in the bereavement process but I don't feel like I'm -grieving-. Cried my eyes out when I found him and had to ring the mother but not really since then.
Me and the older brother are taking the lead in the arrangements so maybe its just that I have something to do but I don't know, something doesn't feel right about what I'm feeling.

What your feel is perfectly normal.
I don't think the grieving starts until everything is over, and you have time to reflect on what you have lost.

Sorry for your loss.

kerryman12

People grieve in there own time and in there own way. What you are feeling is completly normal.

Sorry for your loss.

Desire to Aspire

I'm sorry for your loss.

As has already been mentioned, everybody deals with bereavement in different ways.

I hope things work out for you.

Doogieboogie

Hi OP,

as everyone else has said, it's perfectly normal. My theory is that when you've had a huge shock, your mind shuts down emotionally in order to enable you to cope - if you had to deal with the entire trauma of your loss in one fell swoop you'd fall apart, so you go into autopilot for a while, to let your brain process what's happened. It feels lousy though; I don't know how often I've berated myself and thought I was the most callous bitch because I wasn't crying every day. In fact, after the funeral, I didn't cry or even feel hugely sad for months.

I'm so sorry you've lost your Dad and that you were the one who found him, that must have been really horrible. Keep strong my friend x

Itssoeasy

Really sorry for your loss. My gran died six years ago during my first year college exams and I didn't cry very much as I had other things to think about and had it in my head that my gran would have wanted me to pass my exams. I may have appeared to my family less cut up but I didn't think about it as much.

But when my grandfather died at christmas last year, i balled my eyes out for seven days. I had nothing else on my mind so took it all in and carrying his coffin does kind of bring it home to you.

mud

Grief affects us all differently. There is no right or wrong way to grieve.

My heart goes out to you but as a previous poster has said, a shock that massive will take a while to absorb and digest.

You come across as very strong and well done for stepping up as regards the funeral arrangements. You are a credit to your family.

Coriolanus

Thanks all. Burial was today and I think he would have liked it.
Thanks for your support, it really helped the past few days.

Sod'o swords

Only saw this now sorry.

But I felt the same when my dad died. Being the only male left out of the family i suppose i thought i should feel different. Cried when i was told he was more than likely going to die, but from then on i felt i didn't go through any 'Grieving'.

I never get over my dad dying, just got around it.

Bratface

usernameisalreadyinuse wrote: »

And I don't really know if I'm out of tune with the rest of the family... Maybe I'm behind or ahead in the bereavement process but I don't feel like I'm -grieving-. Cried my eyes out when I found him and had to ring the mother but not really since then.
Me and the older brother are taking the lead in the arrangements so maybe its just that I have something to do but I don't know, something doesn't feel right about what I'm feeling.

So sorry you've lost your dad. The whole bereavement thing is uncharted territory for me too. I think it's good that you're involved in the funeral arrangements.I Lost my Dad on the 19th of January and went straight back to college two days after the funeral thinking I could work through it.I went out to see my Mam on Sunday morning. She wasn't there so I let myself in. The house was so dark and empty. I saw my dad's empty chair and I pretty much fell apart.I don't know how to deal with this. I can't concentrate on college unless I put my feelings aside. But they keep on seeping through. I'm considering deferring college till September but this will make me feel like such a failure.

Doogieboogie

Bratface wrote: »

So sorry you've lost your dad. The whole bereavement thing is uncharted territory for me too. I think it's good that you're involved in the funeral arrangements.I Lost my Dad on the 19th of January and went straight back to college two days after the funeral thinking I could work through it.I went out to see my Mam on Sunday morning. She wasn't there so I let myself in. The house was so dark and empty. I saw my dad's empty chair and I pretty much fell apart.I don't know how to deal with this. I can't concentrate on college unless I put my feelings aside. But they keep on seeping through. I'm considering deferring college till September but this will make me feel like such a failure.

Bratface, I'd like to ask you something and I want you to give it a moments proper thought.. If one of your college friends lost a parent in the middle of the term, and subsequently deferred college for a while, would you think of them as a failure? Or would you feel so, so sorry for them, and think that they were - very sensibly - allowing themselves space and time to heal a little, before resuming an already challenging course? I suspect it would be the latter.
We, the bereaved, have a terrible tendency to try to push ourselves too hard in every way. ''I must grieve quicker/better/more intensely; I must get back to work/college; I must start living my life again/having fun''. We wouldn't expect anyone else to get back to their lives or back to normality after such a tremendous loss. Losing someone so close is like having our solid foundations pulled from under us and then trying to stand upright on jelly - you can do it for a little while, but eventually, you'll topple.
The best and most useful piece of advice I was given after my husband died was this - take baby steps. You are having to adjust to a whole new way of living, you are trying to come to terms with your loss and trying to support your family through theirs and you are trying to continue to carry on your life as normal as well. It's too much. Slow down. You have had a terrible, terrible thing happen, and you are in such early stages. The numbness and detachment you are feeling is there for a reason - it helps you to cope. If the entire reality of what's happened crashed down on you in one go, it'd be too much to bear.
If you need to defer college - defer it. It does not make you a failure. It makes you a human; a person who's suffered a terrible loss and who's hurting and in pain; and a person who loved their father and misses him. Take the time to start to come to terms with what's happened. It'll take a long time. Be as kind to yourself as you would be to someone else who'd lost their father. Don't beat yourself up that you're not coping - nobody should have to cope with this.

I'm so sorry you've lost your dad; all of you. Be gentle on yourselves, you deserve at least that.

Doogs x

Bratface

Thank you so much for taking time out to reply, Doogie.I really appreciate it.I can't imagine how difficult losing your husband must be. When did this happen to you? How do you cope?
It's my Dad's birthday on Monday and I'm dreading going into college that day.My own birthday is four days after my Dad's and he always used to say that I was his birthday present. We used to celebrate our birthdays together when I was a little girl with the one birthday cake between us both.I'm still humming and hawing about college. I'm afraid that if I defer I'll be left with too much time to think. The level of work though is just too much for me at the moment. There just doesn't seem to be any compromise.

ChewChew

Nevore wrote: »

Thanks all. Burial was today and I think he would have liked it.
Thanks for your support, it really helped the past few days.

Hope you're doing ok. I know it's been a couple of weeks now, but one thing I learned was that it's always nice to get that odd little nudge that someone is thinking of you. Even just a little post like this can bring a tear to ones eye, however, I know for me personally, they bring tears and also a sense of happiness. Your Dad is an amazing man. treasure your memories and don't forget to cry, laugh and reminisce.

MsMaryMc

I am so sorry for the loss of your Dad, from a personal perspective i think the initial loss is hard but you can be ob auto pilot going through arrangements and maybe looking after other people.

It took me a few months before i git to the grieving stage becaus eI had so much else going on. I can't remember when exactly it hit but i know i used a lot of kleenex and really depended on my friends moreso than my family because i felt thay had lost too.

I wish you all the best

barbiegirl

So sorry to hear about your dad. We lost Daddy suddenly 2 years ago in June and I can tell you that of the six of us kids we've all dealt differently. I have little cries every now and again when on my own, one brother needs to be drunk to talk, one had to stick to his routine absolutely, the baby nearly quit college with panic attacks that only hit six months ago. So don't expect anything to be normal, just deal as it feels right to you.