So fed up - can't seem to get relationships off the ground

LegacyUser

As the title says I can't seem to get a relationship off the ground. I'm female in my mid 30s and have never had a long term relationship. I had quite a few short term relationships ranging for a few weeks to a few months but that's it.

On the whole I happy, have some great friends and great family etc. But I feel a bit miserable the last few day after what I thought was a potential relationship looks like it's over before it's started. I don't fall for guys easily, not because of unrealistic standards or anything, but when I do fall for someone I fall quick and hard which seem to result in me getting more hurt that I should.

I'm seriously starting to wonder what is wrong with me! Am I that bad that I can't even had a proper relationship like everyone else! If I could afford it I think I would consider counselling at this point as there must something about me or how I interact with others that is holding me back. However, due to cut hours at work etc that's not possible.

I am shy and quiet deep down but have been trying to get over that for years now but it never goes away. Friends have stopped asking how my live life is etc and it's always assumed I'll be turning up to nights out alone so it's not only me who thinks I'll be eternally single - a horrible thought!

To make matter worse I don't go out that much as most friends are married etc and stay in most weekends. I've tried internet dating. There are no clubs in my area I would like to join in the hope of meeting someone.

I just don't know what to do. Any suggestions or advice?

LegacyUser

Could anyone recommend any book or suggest how I could relax more? Every time everything is ok until I realise I am falling for a guy. I think I clam up then, maybe because I afraid I'll mess things up.

Brown Eyed Girl 2011

Hi OP,

To give a bit more context, could you tell us what happened with the last potential relationship that ended before it started?

LegacyUser

Meet a guy via a dating site. Had four great dates. The first two date were over drinks, the third over dinner and the last was a gallery and drinks afterwards. The dates all lasted over 6 hours. It went from him texting every day to nothing at all. Not knowing why is bugging me. I was really starting to fall for him but am surprised how upset I am after only four dates! I'm trying not to think about him but look at the bigger picture if that makes any sense.

gerryk

So fed up wrote: »

Meet a guy via a dating site. Had four great dates. The first two date were over drinks, the third over dinner and the last was a gallery and drinks afterwards. The dates all lasted over 6 hours. It went from him texting every day to nothing at all. Not knowing why is bugging me. I was really starting to fall for him but am surprised how upset I am after only four dates! I'm trying not to think about him but look at the bigger picture if that makes any sense.

This is only half the story... what did YOU do during the relationship?

Peanut2011

So fed up wrote: »

Meet a guy via a dating site. Had four great dates. The first two date were over drinks, the third over dinner and the last was a gallery and drinks afterwards. The dates all lasted over 6 hours. It went from him texting every day to nothing at all. Not knowing why is bugging me. I was really starting to fall for him but am surprised how upset I am after only four dates! I'm trying not to think about him but look at the bigger picture if that makes any sense.

There are many reasons why things don't work out. You said you met on dating site. No problem so far. However have you considered that he might still be active on the site?

A number of treads have mentioned about the sites and how so many have loads of people just looking for a shag, not relationship. Did you consider that is all he was interested in. If he got it or did not get it within 4 dates he decided to go elsewhere.

After 4 dates I find it hard that one can fall for someone that much, however that could be the problem. Maybe they get scared if you show the feeling, even subconsciously.

I know I for one if I met a girl and she showed me signs that she is taking this too serious after 4 dates would be freaked out.

Monkey61

Peanut2011 wrote: »

After 4 dates I find it hard that one can fall for someone that much, however that could be the problem. Maybe they get scared if you show the feeling, even subconsciously.

I know I for one if I met a girl and she showed me signs that she is taking this too serious after 4 dates would be freaked out.

Ah that's a bit harsh I think. For a lot of people, 4 dates can definitely be enough to know if you are into someone. From my experience people only get freaked out too soon if they just aren't that into the other person and know that it isn't the right person for them.

With my last girlfriend, I completely freaked out when she told me that she loved me after 5 months because I thought that it was way too soon. Current girlfriend, the day after I met her I would happily have married her, she told me that she loved me after about 6 weeks and I was delighted because I felt the same.

Another case, a girl that I was into a couple of years ago totally freaked out at me for coming on too strong after a few dates, I spent ages beating myself up for putting my cards on the table too early etc and not playing it cool. She met someone not long after, practically fell in love after the first date and 2 weeks in they were naming their future children.

So I don't think it is neccessarily about seeming too into someone. It's hard to tell without more info on that last one OP. I'd hazard a guess that he met someone else, but probably just wasn't that in to you anyway.

To be honest OP it is probably just bad luck that you aren't meeting people that you click with. Are you really putting yourself out there and meeting lots of new people? Yes it is often down to luck, but you have to put the effort in as well. If you don't go out that much, where are you going to meet people?

Would your married friends casually introduce you to their single friends? Not just men, but even other women that you might want to go out on the town with, or join other activities with?

LegacyUser

gerryk wrote: »

This is only half the story... what did YOU do during the relationship?

I did my share of texting etc. I do try to meet a guy half way despite the fact that I would rather leave it up to the guy as I am quite and shy and it doesn't come naturally to me.

LegacyUser

Peanut2011 wrote: »

There are many reasons why things don't work out. You said you met on dating site. No problem so far. However have you considered that he might still be active on the site?

A number of treads have mentioned about the sites and how so many have loads of people just looking for a shag, not relationship. Did you consider that is all he was interested in. If he got it or did not get it within 4 dates he decided to go elsewhere.

After 4 dates I find it hard that one can fall for someone that much, however that could be the problem. Maybe they get scared if you show the feeling, even subconsciously.

I know I for one if I met a girl and she showed me signs that she is taking this too serious after 4 dates would be freaked out.

He wasn't just looking for sex. I meet guys like that before but he wasn't like that at all. He was a gent in fact. And no we didn't have sex. He didn't even hit at it or try it on. Like I said a gent.

I didn't show my feelings either. I knew I was mad about him but I don't tend to wear my heart on my sleeve. If anything I don't show my feeling enough.

LegacyUser

Monkey61 wrote: »

To be honest OP it is probably just bad luck that you aren't meeting people that you click with. Are you really putting yourself out there and meeting lots of new people? Yes it is often down to luck, but you have to put the effort in as well. If you don't go out that much, where are you going to meet people?

Would your married friends casually introduce you to their single friends? Not just men, but even other women that you might want to go out on the town with, or join other activities with?

I am really starting to think it's not just bad luck. I can't be that unlucky. It's obviously something about me.

I try to go out as much as I can and I really make an effort but as I said that is hard when most friends are married etc. My friends friends are mostly married/in relationships as well! I joined at dating site to try to increase my chances of meeting someone but no success yet. There is no club near me that interest me. Not living in a city poses problems ie selection of clubs, evening courses etc is very limited. There is no social life with work. I've made new single friends I socialised with in the past but they are all coupled off now as well.