Boyfriend & family

LegacyUser

I need some objective views on this because I don't know how to fix what happened and it's all such a mess! I'm sure every detail I give here will indicate who I am, but hey...
So, deep breath:
My bf (this is a LDR) and I were together nearly 2 years last year. He had a good relationship with my family and had chats and emails with them individually outside of when he was with me. He is suffering from depression. He ended it with me by phone last year, out of the blue as far as I am concerned. I was stunned and distraught as you can imagine, and my mother in her anger at how he did it emailed him something pretty personal and angry. I hardly remember the email because I was so out of it, and I vaguely remember that she got a polite PFO in response, as he was determined to do the no-contact thing. Fair enough.

Anyway, fast forward some time later and we have made up again and dealt with the problems. He mentioned briefly on the phone that he was upset about this email she had sent. So I brought it delicately up with her. As far as she is concerned she was right to send that email considering the state I was in then and for months after the breakup. He reckons I should "make her apologise" because it's our relationship, not hers.
Now, I didn't tell him I had seen the email. I didn't hide it from him either, he just didn't bring it up except once, I tried chatting with her about it and couldn't get anywhere, I didn't know what to do, so I said nothing and thought maybe as time went on things would get a bit better and they could start getting on well again. He's been over a few times since then (and as I moved home again once my lease was up, he stays with us). They've been polite even though I think they want to tell each other exactly what they think of each other!

But at christmas it all blew up. He mentioned that email again and I said yeah I had seen it, and he lost it. He thinks I should have said something sooner and I replied that I have absolutely NO idea what to say or do about it. It was only then that he told me just how hurt he was by it. To be honest, I didn't realise. He said he was a bit upset but nothing to show just how strongly he felt about it. I "should have known" apparently but he never admits when something is wrong anyway!

I don't think she should have sent it but I can see why she did and as far as I am concerned they both think they are right and I can't "make" either of them say sorry!

Is there something obvious I am missing here? thanks

Dravokivich

tbh, i dont think your mother should have sent that e-mail. it was a personal matter between you two and a break up is very likely to result in bad feelings. your mother should have been there to support you, not attack him for you.

in regards to more recently when he found out you've seen it. i can understand why you wouldnt of wanted to bring it up as you knew it to be an upsetting topic. but if he's not talking to you about how much it affected him, i'm suprised he's expecting you to "know".

overall he clearly needs your support in regards to the content of that e-mail. and it sounds like a lot was said by your mother. if he feels you are not able to support him by addressing it with your mother for him from how he see's it, its always going to be something that hangs over ye. more so because you seem to indicate that your mother may have been right...

LittleBook

dontknowwhattodo wrote: »

I don't think she should have sent it but I can see why she did and as far as I am concerned they both think they are right and I can't "make" either of them say sorry!

Is there something obvious I am missing here? thanks

No, I think you're spot on!

Your boyfriend needs to forgive and forget just as (it seems) your mother has by accepting him back into your life and her home with no further angst.

I can't for the life of me imagine what your mother said in the e-mail that was so personal and seemingly so upsetting for him but he must take it in the context in which it was sent.

I doubt he can imagine what you went through last year but for your mother I'm sure it was vivid.

prinz

Your mother should not have sent that email, on the other hand your boyfriend needs to suck it up and stop complaining tbh.

As he says himself it's a relationship between you and him, the same reason why he felt the mother shouldn't have gotten involved in the first place is still just as valid as a reason why she should not be getting involved all over again.

astra2000

You know what I can understand what your mother did, yhea it wasnt the right thing to do but neither was him ending the relationship with you by phone. He behaved badly and he got a bad reaction because of it.
Tbh he appears to be making a drama out of this, if you have managed to forgive him and move on then why cant he? Does he care how much he hurt you at that time or is he just wrapped up in how he felt when your mother hurt his feelings?
Dont fall out with your mother over this let her know you will never accept this behaviour again. Your bf appears to be making it all about him and his feelings. I believe that if he really regretted the way he treated you and was sorry for the hurt you went through for months afterwards, the last thing he would be doing right now is making your life more difficult. He sounds selfish and wrapped up in himself.

Beruthiel

Your mother had absolutely no business involving herself in your relationship, for that, she is totally in the wrong. (I get why she did it though).
However, your b/f just needs to let it go now and move on.
Tell him that it is unfair that he is putting you in this position and if he wants an apology from your mother, let him go ask her for one himself and leave you out of it.

Big Bag of Chips

Clear proof as to why you should never involve family in relationship issues. They're not as forgiving as we are!

Both were in the wrong. Neither is going to apologise, both should just accept that, tolerate each other and move on. Possibly because of his depression, your bf IS making an issue out of it. Remind him how upset YOU were, and tell him you're done with feeling upset about it.. and you want (need) him to get over it too.

Your mam and him may never be "buddies", but then again that may be no bad thing... look what happened last time family got "too close"!

curlzy

Hey OP,

To be honest your boyfriend sounds like a 2 year old. She hurt his feelings did she? Cry me a river:rolleyes:. He was had depression and unceremoneously dumped you by phone! What kind of self obsorbed scumbag does that? I'm with your mother on this one. She had her own communications with him like other members of your family and she told him what she thought of him, it's not like she stole his email, as someone who he was in contact with she told him what she thought, I see nothing wrong in that. I know my mother would do the same if someone treated me like that. She was sticking up for you. I would tell my boyfriend that he acted like a scumbag last year and your mother felt she had the right to do something, that she's let him back into the house now even though he behaved like he did so that should be good enough for him. He sounds very self-pitying and wrapped up in himself and tbh he sounds boring, people that involved with themselves usually are. So my advise is to tell him to suck it up and grow up and accept that he deserved that email for acting like a scumbag. Don't let it damage your relationship with your mother, she sounds like a good one. Have a good think about if you actually want to be with him, are you just used to be with him? or do you see a happy, healthy future with him or a future full of his feelings and depression and arguments blah blah blah, if it's the latter then just get rid.

astra2000

curlzy wrote: »

Hey OP,

To be honest your boyfriend sounds like a 2 year old. She hurt his feelings did she? Cry me a river:rolleyes:. He was had depression and unceremoneously dumped you by phone! What kind of self obsorbed scumbag does that? I'm with your mother on this one. She had her own communications with him like other members of your family and she told him what she thought of him, it's not like she stole his email, as someone who he was in contact with she told him what she thought, I see nothing wrong in that. I know my mother would do the same if someone treated me like that. She was sticking up for you. I would tell my boyfriend that he acted like a scumbag last year and your mother felt she had the right to do something, that she's let him back into the house now even though he behaved like he did so that should be good enough for him. He sounds very self-pitying and wrapped up in himself and tbh he sounds boring, people that involved with themselves usually are. So my advise is to tell him to suck it up and grow up and accept that he deserved that email for acting like a scumbag. Don't let it damage your relationship with your mother, she sounds like a good one. Have a good think about if you actually want to be with him, are you just used to be with him? or do you see a happy, healthy future with him or a future full of his feelings and depression and arguments blah blah blah, if it's the latter then just get rid.

I agree completely. And while there has to be boundaries to all relationships, sometimes when someone treats a family member/close friend badly we need to speak up. Finishing with you over the phone was cruel after a two yr relationship, I get that he was depressed but he was with it enough at the time to be able to "compartmentalise" your mothers email and move on he should have used the same logic when he finished with you and treated you with respect.
Now I understand you have dealt with how he treated you and moved on, which is great no point getting back together with resentment bubbling away under the surface. Your bf needs to do the same, if he chooses to discuss it with your mum well and good that should be his choice, but he needs to leave you out of it, sounds like you have been through enough. Best of luck op

Fittle

I find it a bit odd that your mother and your boyfriend would have been emailing each other in the first instance (before the break-up)...I kinda don't get that, but maybe really cool mothers email their daughters boyfriends

Anyway, aside from that, I assume he didn't delete the email - ask him to forward it to you, check what the content actually IS and then you will see why he is still so insulted by her.

Having said that, if he's THAT annoyed at her, and still holding onto such anger over this email, why did he stay at your house over xmas

LegacyUser

This is crazy, for him to be harbouring a grudge over an email sent in a highly emotionally charged situation, in the heat of the moment.
Waaay over-sensitive. Maybe he's never been brought up on his behavior by his own parents? Some guys just aren't used to being spoken to plainly.
It WAS your mums' business, you would obviously have been very upset, he was considered part of the family, he couldn't see the wood for the trees& clearly didn't want to speak to you- someone had to take the bull by the horns.
Unfortunately, as a wise man once said, a parent shouldn't step inside a relationship for the sole reason that forgiveness usually comes with an intimate encounter!!

Zen65

dontknowwhattodo wrote: »

I don't think she should have sent it but I can see why she did and as far as I am concerned they both think they are right and I can't "make" either of them say sorry!

+1

Op,

It sounds as though you have a mother who watches your back and would fight off rabid dogs to protect you. While she may have shot her gun a little early, she did it for all the right reasons. You should be glad that she cares for you so much..... the PI forum is full of stories from people whose parents don't care for them.

It would be nice if she learned to wait until you asked for her help, but parental love can blind one to the etiquette of such situations.

Your BF has yet to show any such fortitude (or at least, you have not documented it in this thread). But you have chosen to accept him as your current partner and for that reason there must be a truce. There is no need for your mum to apologise; but rather your BF needs to understand that if he ever treats you badly again he will have to deal with her.

I'm not suggesting that he cannot end the relationship again in the future, but if he does she would expect him to wise up and do it in a dignified way, as should you.

In time their truce could become a friendship again, but your mother will always place loyalty to you above any friendship. This is not unusual, and he should expect no less. If you have children in the future, you could aspire to be such a caring parent. Hopefully though, you will have learned from this and be able to express support for your kids without having to "injure" anyone!!

Be at peace,

Z

PS: If this BF is waiting for an apology he may have to wait a long time. If he lasts the course with you, your mother may eventually apologise just to clear the air. In the meantime he needs to understand that in her eyes he is on probation!

LegacyUser

thanks for your posts everyone. We had a chat and we're working on it as part of some other stuff. I don't think his problem will be with me now; more just her.

We'll just have to keep them separated for a while and hope time will help. I don't need them to be best buddies but I would like to avoid a long term feud!

It sounds as though you have a mother who watches your back and would fight off rabid dogs to protect you

That's definitely my mum

As for them emailing, well it was just bits and pieces they have in common. I think the fact it's a LDR might be part of it, she wouldn't have done it with any other bf. That said, he's not just any other bf, he's amazing Funny how you really only ever get one side of it on here

anyway thanks again

eddison

Your Mother was out of order in my opinion. Please forgive if your Father is not around. Talkling hypothetically here, but imagine if your boyfriend interfered in your mothers relationship with your father, and your boyfriend sent the same email to your father because he did something wrong..
She should apologise, although I would guess that she has no will to do this.

Your Ex or Boyfriend should not be a victim of your mother, and he needs to know this. one cannot go around in life that every time someone sends you a rude email, that you become hurt, and hold it for a long time. There will always be people to upset you, and it is good practice not to let anyone affect you. Of course we are all human.

But, what is really going on here?
Was your mother rejected by a guy when she was young? does she have issues with men? Maybe he will not 'tow the line' with your mother?
On his side, did he have issues with a mother or woman who was a bully? or put him down, or belittled him? He wouldn't take kindly to what he thinks is a dominant or opinionated woman if that is true. He might mistake the protective aspect of your mother for a bully. There would be instant dislike if both things are true.

BettePorter

op was there something specifically said in the e mail that he is particularly offended by or is it just the fact she sent it at all. If he's just and still annoyed cause he got called out by your mum, then he obviously sees no harm in what he did (breaking up via phone) and then maybe that should tell you that this could happen again at any time without a thought from him.

Is he using the label of 'depression' as a carte blanche to do whatever he likes regardless of how it effects others.

Surely if you've both moved on in your relationship this should now be a moot point. I'd be more inclined to suggest you think about where this will end long term. If he's going to bring up this one aspect of a (now) resolved situation every time you have a row, you'll not be long before your making a phone call of your own !

(This is why i always stay out of friends / family relationship rows..........they can 'f**k each other off from a height but guaranteed the minute you agree with them and add your critique, they'll be loves young dream again and you'll be the worst in the world !)

OP tell him to get over it, or you'll forego his option of a phone call and text him instead !