Like someone who has a girlfriend

LegacyUser

Hi all,
I am attracted to someone who has a longterm girlfriend.
We met one night in a bar through mutual friends, he was really drunk and was making flirty jokes and had his hand around my waist. However, I reminded him he has a girlfriend and nothing happened.
We have met a number of times since and have formed a friendship.
He has not been so flirty since but occasionally still puts his hand around my waist or makes the odd joke. The last time I was on my own with him I have to admit I wanted to kiss him and I'm not so sure he would refuse. Our mutual friends say he likes me.
One night when we were drunk and on our own, there was ice on the ground.
I grabbed his arm at one point to steady myself from slipping, I then took his hand and he didn't pull away, but then I got a pang of guilt and said "Sorry, you have a girlfriend" and let go of his hand.
I keep telling myself that it's wrong to make a move on someone who is taken but I really like him and I never like anyone. However, I then think, if he doesn't cheat with me, he probably will with somebody else! I haven't been with anyone in a while, and for completely selfish reasons would like to at least kiss him at some stage!

What to do? I'm trying to be strong but it's hard, especially when you're alone with someone and drunk! (We always end up alone together as we live in the same area so he walks me home after nights out).

Brown Eyed Girl 2011

applesandoranges wrote: »

Hi all,
I am attracted to someone who has a longterm girlfriend.
We met one night in a bar through mutual friends, he was really drunk and was making flirty jokes and had his hand around my waist. However, I reminded him he has a girlfriend and nothing happened.
We have met a number of times since and have formed a friendship.
He has not been so flirty since but occasionally still puts his hand around my waist or makes the odd joke. The last time I was on my own with him I have to admit I wanted to kiss him and I'm not so sure he would refuse. Our mutual friends say he likes me.
One night when we were drunk and on our own, there was ice on the ground.
I grabbed his arm at one point to steady myself from slipping, I then took his hand and he didn't pull away, but then I got a pang of guilt and said "Sorry, you have a girlfriend" and let go of his hand.
I keep telling myself that it's wrong to make a move on someone who is taken but I really like him and I never like anyone. However, I then think, if he doesn't cheat with me, he probably will with somebody else! I haven't been with anyone in a while, and for completely selfish reasons would like to at least kiss him at some stage!

What to do? I'm trying to be strong but it's hard, especially when you're alone with someone and drunk! (We always end up alone together as we live in the same area so he walks me home after nights out).

Hi OP,

I think you already know the answer to this one...

You're treading thin ice- though you have shown restraint so far- But with flimsy justifications of "if he doesn't cheat with me, he probably will with somebody else", I really think you're entering dangerous territory.

You say you want just to kiss him at least. Where will that leave you if it happens. One of two potential scenarios;

(i) He starts cheating on his GF with you. Cue sneaking around, guilt, etc.

(ii) He realises his mistake, realises that he loves his GF, backtracks, ignores you. Cue shattered self esteem for you.

Lose/ Lose.

The third possible and very unlikely scenario is that he may leave his GF for you. Cue guilt from both of you, the constant fear that he may do the same to you at some stage. Far better that if you do get together that he has broken up with his GF out of natural causes first- ie, not cos of you!

Either way OP, you are on a hiding to nothing, no matter what way you look at it.

The mild flirting is most likely an ego boost- Just because you're in a long term relationship doesn't mean you don't want to feel that you are attractive to the opposite sex.

I think you need distance from this "friendship" as I really feel you will not emerge from this good at all. Being with him while you're drunk and the mild flirting, even if nothing happens, its teasing and torturing yourself.

As for the attempted justification of his potential cheating "if he doesn't cheat with me, he probably will with somebody else"- Even if he cheats rings around himself, do you really want to be a part of that? If hes gonna cheat, let it be his problem- Not yours.

Seriously OP, let this guy go.

I can almost certainly say it will end in tears.

Look after yourself

TheresaT

Hi OP,

this will end in tears and you can be sure they won't be his!
You're right when you say he will probably cheat with somebody, do you really want it to be you?
If he's flirting with you while he's taken he's not treating his girlfriend well and he's not treating you well.
Of course it's tempting to kiss him if you're attracted to him, girlfriend or no girlfriend.
I hope you can make the right decision for you. Good luck

I am a friend

Ah he is not worth it.... Do you want to be involved with a guy who is cheating on his gf... What will end up happening is that you will fall for the guy who will stay with his gf. You deserve more than being a bit on the side to someone who can cheat

Drodan

His has a gf therefore hands off, how is this even up for discussion. Respect him, respect his gf and respect yourself and stop deluding yourself that this could ever be ok.

He may not realise he's even flirting with you, he might just be considering you a close friend. Happened to me and a friend of mine so don't think it's bull honestly.

Stay away and move on from thinking it's possible, for everyone's sake.

albeit

op, it sounds like if he is flirting with you and he is attracted to you but somehow believes you are an easy catch, and wants to sleep with you. Sorry, but that is what it sounds like.

I've seen it so often that a girl likes a guy who's taken, and even though she know's he has a girlfriend she makes excuses for it. "But I think we could have something special", "But he likes me more than her", "But I've been feeling lonely", "But I never really like anyone", "But I really like him". You really like him? I'm sure his girlfriend probably likes him too. The girlfriend is a real person, and if he's going to cheat do not let it be with you. Do you want to be responsible in part for hurting her? Do you want to be his dirty secret? If you do get with him, he's not going to leave his girlfriend, and if you ever bump into the two of them he'll ignore you.

It's wrong, and I'd strongly advise you not to do it.

Cheap Thrills!

applesandoranges wrote: »

What to do? I'm trying to be strong but it's hard, especially when you're alone with someone and drunk! (We always end up alone together as we live in the same area so he walks me home after nights out).

Do not be alone and drunk with this guy. It's totally inappropriate. Don't put yourself in tempations way.

You don't let yourself 'end up' alone. You engineer it so you are never alone. That's what you do.

applesandoranges wrote: »

However, I then think, if he doesn't cheat with me, he probably will with somebody else!

That's just a justification you've brought in to make yourself feel better.
If he cheats with someone else, that's HIS problem not yours. You are only responsible for what you do.

Stop daydreaming. What you're planning to do is nasty and selfish.

Peanut2011

OP there are so many issues with what you have told us that I don't even know where to begin.

We met one night in a bar through mutual friends, he was really drunk and was making flirty jokes and had his hand around my waist.

Meeting in the bar trough mutual friend and making flirty jokes it's ok, does not mean anything. Him putting his hand around your waste first time you met him is a bit worrying.

We have met a number of times since and have formed a friendship.
He has not been so flirty since but occasionally still puts his hand around my waist or makes the odd joke.

When you say you met, do you mean in same circumstances or on purpose? You acknowledge he was not flirting as much since the first time, so do you take his general behaviour wrong?

I keep telling myself that it's wrong to make a move on someone who is taken but I really like him and I never like anyone. However, I then think, if he doesn't cheat with me, he probably will with somebody else! I haven't been with anyone in a while, and for completely selfish reasons would like to at least kiss him at some stage!

It is ABSOLUTELY wrong to make the move on someone in the relationship, especially as you are supposed to be his friend. What makes you so sure he would cheat? If you got him for yourself would you be ok if he cheated on you?

Bottom line is YOU need to back off and respect he is with this other girl. Also, as a friend you need to understand that too. You can say to him how you feel one day but ensure it's not after drink.

If you told him how you feel but asked him to dump his girlfriend do you think he would do it?? And don't confuse it for him telling you what you want to hear to actually doing it.

albeit

Why should you say: "Sorry, you have a girlfriend". He should apologise to you and his girlfriend. To you for making you think that you could have him, and to his girlfriend for flirting with other girls.

An easy way to stop this would be to be a bit more upfront with how you feel about him, and tell him it is unfair on both you and his girlfriend that he is flirting with you. You have not done anything wrong, so far, he has. He is a "player".

Forget about him and feel sorry for his girlfriend.

R.D. aka MR.D

I think this situation always leads to guilt in the long term even if you justify it to yourself now.

Find some one else to like. He is taken.