Peter Pan Syndrome?

LegacyUser

My friend is one of 4 brothers. He's now 32, dating a girl for the last 3 years, living with her the last 18months, she's keen to get married(something she was open about from the get go) He wasn't keen on marriage at the time, & still isn't now.
Prior to this, he dated a girl for 7 years, split up with her for same reason- didn't want to move things forward.
Things aren't looking great re the new relationship. It's reached the make or break stage re commitment. What concerns me is the attitude from his mum- she's not helping the situation by telling him he's "still young", and not to be "badgered" into marriage. It's like she never wants him to have his own, defined, life with someone else. And has no sympathy whatsoever for the girl in question; despite having a friendly relationship, as with the previous GF, she wouldn't shed a single tear if this girl broke up with her son!
Is this par for the course for mums who have only sons, no daughters?

HavingCrack

There's no rule saying that you have to get married. Every person is different. Perhaps he just doesn't believe in it or simply put is happy reamaining partners. It would be far worse for the girl in question if he married her without really wanting to, far more trouble and hurt down the road.

Let him live his life how he likes. He's been with her 3 years so it's clearly serious but perhaps he feels he doesn't need validation from the government of his relationship. Anyway, keep out of it, you'll only cause a fight if you say something.

Ickle Magoo

Is this a personal issue you require advice about, OP? If it's just a general question then one of the discussion forums would be better suited...

LegacyUser

Peter Pan Syndrome is a bit far fetched, if every man who didn't fancy a long term commitment was labeled with Peter Pan Syndrome there would be an queue the lenght of the Great Wall of China to see psychologists.

I think you could drop a hint or in jest that you wouldn't want things to end like they did with the last relationship but that's as far as you can butt in with your 2 cents IMO. Any further then I would agree with HavingCrack that you'll create an atmosphere. Not everyone has to be hitched by 32...

LegacyUser

Agree with above Having Crack.

I actually have to say, his mum is wise to say that.

my brother got married to a woman that I believe he does love but she pressured and badgered him every day to marry her, rather than letting him decide in his own pace. I recall even privately asking my brother was it some sort of private running joke between them, which I got a rather subdued muted response.
While they are somewhat happy together, I was left the impression that because they were together a certain amount of years, all their friends were getting married and had been to their weddings and folks had accepted her as future daughter in law he felt that it's what he was supposed to do and I think he just went along with whatever was expected of him, regardless whether it was what he wanted.

So that's why there's wisdom in his mum. It's not nice to know that there was no major enthusiasm or excitement from my brother getting married, more like going through the motions, but never spoke up about it.

I would say, keep yourself out of the situation. If she hasn't the patience to enjoy the relationship and is more concerned about having a wedding ring on her finger (which my sister in law certainly was) than respecting and loving her partner even if there is no wedding ring but a love and commitment without formal validation, then there's bigger issues at play here on her side, not your friend.

Beruthiel

whatshappeningtoday wrote: »

He wasn't keen on marriage at the time, & still isn't now.

And why does this bother you OP?
If he's not into marriage, then he's not into it and that's his decision.

What concerns me is the attitude from his mum- she's not helping the situation by telling him he's "still young", and not to be "badgered" into marriage.

His mother is entitled to her opinion and he'll either take that advice on board, or he won't.

bubbaloo

OP, this is none of your business. Stay out of it.
Where's the law that says he has to be married by the time he's 32?
How would you feel if someone was commenting on your relationship?
My BIL is 38 and has had a string of girlfriends - none of whom he has committed to - but just because I would not chose that life for myself, it does not give me the right to berate someone else for it.
If he's happy, leave him alone.

LegacyUser

I've no intention of meddling in their relationship, happy to be a silent sounding board!
Probably should have put this post on the discussion forum versus the personal issues one, apologies.
He is into marriage with her, just not right now. There's no financial or work obstacle, & their relationship is otherwise great, so it's a matter of him having this sudden magic lightbulb moment I guess.
I agree with the previous poster, don't think it's nice for there to be a vibe of "oh, ye're getting married, what a surprise after all these years, er, great" either. Procrastination, deliberation, due consideration- yawn, bored. There's definately a lack of enthusiasm or excitement in most weddings which have taken years& years to come to fruition, people consider them married in all but name already anyway.
And on that note, to another forum. Thank you for your posts.