Emotions and Sex?!

LegacyUser

Hi all,

I'm just wondering, do men really separate sex and emotions? On Friday night I slept with a guy I work with, we're friends and I don't even know where this came from. We were both really drunk I guess. I used to have a massive crush on him when I first met him, and ended up kissing him one night -but that was two years ago and nothing has happened since. In fact, I was completely over him. I don't even fancy him... well until now! All I can do now is think about him and being with him again, although I don't think that can happen. He is getting on with his business, why is it so easy for men to separate sex and feelings, or is it? Maybe I have this wrong? Is it possible that he is thinking of me too? Or was he just using me?

LegacyUser

I'm a guy and amongst guys, we usually say "A hole's a hole.."

Putting it frankly, he was just using you.

Men absolutely do separate emotions and sex. In a situation like this, the man is just looking to get off, ejaculate, and move on.

Unless you are looking for the same (to orgasm and forget about it) avoid one night stands.

gerryk

As with any generalisation, there is some truth, but also a lot of falsehood. Men don't find it any easier to separate sex from emotion than women do... somehow that got traction as a fact and it gets thrown out there continually ever since.

Both men and women are capable of having 'just sex' and both men and women are capable of highly emotionally charged sex/love.

In this case, I think it was a 'just sex' thing for him... not that this is a bad thing either, you just need to see it for what it is.

arybvtcw0eolkf

why is it so easy for men to separate sex and feelings, or is it? Maybe I have this wrong? Is it possible that he is thinking of me too? Or was he just using me?

A lot of guys bluff about 'fvck her & forget her' (sorry for putting it so crudely). In truth, and in my experience few really do and we go through the very same emotions as the person we've just been with.

"Is it possible he's thinking of me too" - sure, why not?. And if he's not, do you really want to be with someone like that?.

He may not wish to enter into a relationship with someone at this point in time, in which case its natural to put a little distance between you both.

You could drop a little jokey/flirty line like 'so was that a one off?', then he knows your interested in more, and a relationship might develop from there.

Best of luck.

bazcam

Yes OP, I do think that a large percentage of men can have sex without emotions getting involved. They can have sex with women they have no feelings about, women they dislike or even women they hate. It can be just about the physical pleasure.

aidan24326

bazcam wrote: »

They can have sex with women they have no feelings about, women they dislike or even women they hate. It can be just about the physical pleasure.

Yes it can be without emotion, that doesn't mean it always is.

I think both sexes are capable of separating sex and emotion when it suits to do so.

Zen65

Sue82 wrote: »

I'm just wondering, do men really separate sex and emotions?

Men are generally no less emotional than women. Depending on our upbringing and our natural tendencies, we probably hide them more than women (on average).

Sometimes, men can want sex for physical satisfaction only, and thus the emotion associated with that is a selfish one. Sometimes, women can want to do exactly the same.

But these generalisations are of no help to you, unless you want to find a plausible sound-bite that allows you to write off this encounter? Perhaps what you really want to do is talk to him and see how he feels about things? Perhaps this is a situation where you really don't want to separate sex from emotion, and you really just want to explore whether there is any emotion there to allow a relationship to form?

One of you has to make the first move in asking. Why not you?


Be at peace,

Z

borderline girl

i think a lot of men (not all) find it easier to separate emotions from sex and i think some women can do this, although for me personally i can't, and thats ok, it just means we are liable to get hurt if they dont feel the same and it can get horrible and messy.

curlzy

Hey OP,

Speaking in broad general terms yes men absolutely separate sex and emotion an awful lot easier than women do. I'm not sure why this is, as I cannot imagine sleeping with someone and feeling nothing emotional for them afterwards, it really blows my mind. I've asked my boyfriend and guy friends about this and the answer is the same, men can totally have sex without emotion. I think MAYBE sex is so much more emotional for women because they're at their most vulnerable when having sex, you're allowing someone bigger and stronger than you to invade your body to put it into vulger terms. To be able to open up (pun intended) you have to feel safe with the person etc, that brings the emotion into it, whereas men aren't vulnerable and just see it as a purely physical act. Have a look at the prostitution thread in humanities to see how the genders view sex, on that thread the women are saying "couldn't do it and feel sorry for those that do (generally)", whereas the guys are saying "they've the best job ever, money for sex". I don't think guys can understand the difference for women or the vulnerability involved for women, maybe if they imagine having sex with a bigger stronger male then they could get an idea of it, but even then I don't this it's the same thing. I think it's true that in general men can much more easily seperate emotion from sex than women can. I think alot of threads on PI stem from this particular issue. Women sleep with guys, feel something afterwards and men don't. Now I don't have any training in psychology so this is only what I've witnessed, read or been told so I could be wrong and am open to correction.

Cheap Thrills!

I think it's a bit of a falsehood.

Many women have no problem separating the two, they just keep very quiet about it as Society doesn't approve of women using sex for fun.

For younger people maybe it's perhaps something they have to learn.

Some people never can and some can with ease.

If you're the type that can't then you need to understand kisses etc can very easily mean nothing whatsoever to the other person. Don't try to assign meaning to kisses/sexual acts because for some people they have none other than a pleasant way to pass the time.

It doesn't mean the person dislikes you at all, they just don't understand the amount of emotional investment you might have assigned to a kiss etc.

Hope that helps give an insight.

Sleepy

Zen65 wrote: »

Men are generally no less emotional than women. Depending on our upbringing and our natural tendencies, we probably hide them more than women (on average).

I'd go further and say that men are usually brought up to exercise more control over their emotions than women. It's gotten to the point where it's become socially acceptable for women to behave abomnibably, blame it on "hormones" or being "upset" and somehow that makes their lack of self control acceptable. In some states in the US it has quite literally gotten to the stage where a woman can kill someone and get away with it if she can claim to be menstruating!

I'm not by any means claiming that all, or even the majority of, women behave in this fashion but a significant minority do and society at large seems to allow it.

BraziliaNZ

bazcam wrote: »

Yes OP, I do think that a large percentage of men can have sex without emotions getting involved. They can have sex with women they have no feelings about, women they dislike or even women they hate. It can be just about the physical pleasure.

I don't think so. Most women I know my age have slept with a lot more people than I have or my other male friends have. They can just as easily take sex for what it is. It's a myth that only men do this.

royal blue

Some men are just in it for sex, same as some women are. Depends on the character of the person involved. From a mans point of view, I personally need to like or be attracted to a girl before i have sex with them. I wouldnt go off with any type of girl just for sex. I think it really depends on the person you are with rather than just because he is a man

bazcam

BraziliaNZ wrote: »

I don't think so. Most women I know my age have slept with a lot more people than I have or my other male friends have. They can just as easily take sex for what it is. It's a myth that only men do this.

I agree, it's definitely not only men that do this. I have known many women who have casual sex with no emotions attached. The OP only asked if we thought men were capable of doing it, and that's what I gave my opinion on.

allovertheshop

OP,
the reason that women make more of a conection to men during sex is all down to hormones. Women secrete a hormone during close contact (eg sex) with men which makes them feel a bond to the man involved. men don't secrete this hormone. that's the reason why women find it harder to have a one night stand, because while their head is telling them that it's only one night, their body is pumping hormones into the system to create a bond to the male.I'm not a doctor so don't know the exact in's and out's of the whole thing. hope this helps a bit in understanding why you've got these feelings for a guy that you have previously forgotten about

BraziliaNZ

allovertheshop wrote: »

OP,
the reason that women make more of a conection to men during sex is all down to hormones. Women secrete a hormone during close contact (eg sex) with men which makes them feel a bond to the man involved. men don't secrete this hormone. that's the reason why women find it harder to have a one night stand, because while their head is telling them that it's only one night, their body is pumping hormones into the system to create a bond to the male.I'm not a doctor so don't know the exact in's and out's of the whole thing. hope this helps a bit in understanding why you've got these feelings for a guy that you have previously forgotten about

I'm digging your pseudo science!!! What the hell are you on about? Girls I know have/have had far more one night stands than men, just because they can, and they like sex! It's as simple as that!
Don't spew this nonsense for god's sake.

allovertheshop

BraziliaNZ,

Nonsense? Just because you might not like what you hear, does not make it "fake". attached below is a quote from an article related to the topic posted by the OP-

“Oxytocin seems to have been ‘designed’ by nature to make a man and woman feel bonded after sex, so they would stay together and raise children,” she says. “Today, the physiology of men and women still plays out according to this pattern. But estrogen seems to increase the calming and bonding effects of oxytocin, while testosterone seems to mute them. That's why women tend to feel more attached after sex than men do.”

http://www.savvymiss.com/love-advice/love-relationship-advice/love-and-relationships-archive/article/oxytocin-how-a-little-known-hormone-could-be-affecting-your-relationship-4326/page-browse/1.html

LegacyUser

allovertheshop wrote: »

BraziliaNZ,

Nonsense? Just because you might not like what you hear, does not make it "fake". attached below is a quote from an article related to the topic posted by the OP-

“Oxytocin seems to have been ‘designed’ by nature to make a man and woman feel bonded after sex, so they would stay together and raise children,” she says. “Today, the physiology of men and women still plays out according to this pattern. But estrogen seems to increase the calming and bonding effects of oxytocin, while testosterone seems to mute them. That's why women tend to feel more attached after sex than men do.”

http://www.savvymiss.com/love-advice/love-relationship-advice/love-and-relationships-archive/article/oxytocin-how-a-little-known-hormone-could-be-affecting-your-relationship-4326/page-browse/1.html

Thanks for the link, I appreciate you including it. I wonder would it be something similar when a man and a woman kiss? I kissed this guy last night, I liked him, and was attracted to him. Have been thinking about him today, and wondering if he will text me or not (I didn't get his number....f*ck!!). I find it really difficult not to develop some feeling for a man after sex, almost impossible for me. Just wondering would a kiss just be a kiss, or would a man develop any slight feeling at all for the woman afterwards, like me today?