Expecting to much?

LegacyUser

Hi All,

Going unreg for this Just have a few issues and I'm not sure if I'm being unrealistic or not. I've been with my partner nearly 8 years, met him when I was 19. I fell in love quickly, took him a lot longer.

It was my first real relationship, so was mad to please, did loads for him etc. 8 years on I'm still mad to please, and still doing loads for him and feel that Im doing most of the work in the relationship. Im constantly planning our future and planning my life around him and I dont know how to stop. He doesnt seem all that interested in making plans with me, he does say that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me but then when I talk about plans etc, its like I'm doing all the work.

Hes doing everything he wants to do in life, and I have to wait until he's finished doing his stuff, before we will be able to do stuff together. Sometimes I think I'm a fool for putting all this effort into our relationship, and when I voice my concerns, he says he'll try harder to make an effort but never does.

He tells me I dont have to wait around for him for things I want to do ie travel, and that he doesnt mind if I go myself, but would prefer if he could go with me. When I suggested 2 years ago that I will wait and save and we will go this year, he said great. But its now this year and he has no money and when I mention what should we do, he has no idea. He wants me to plan it all.

Im exhausted because I spend all my time and effort thinking about things I want to do and how I will manage to do them with him in mind. I've done so many things without him, and he has without me that sometimes I think, whats the point in being together....shouldnt we want to do these things together? I miss him when I'm going to places and he's not there and it makes me angry that he isnt bothered to come to these things with me.
Am I wasting my time with this guy? We have the same fights over and over about him not putting enough effort into the relationship....

Also am I being unrealistic here, he's the only relationship I know, and how much effort I think he should put into a relationship might be completely unrealistic....what I expect from him is to know how to comfort me when I'm upset (after 8 years he still thinks leaving me alone and not talking to me the whole night and then coming up to bed and going to sleep is the best approach) surprising me with something thoughtful ie suggesting a walk in the park, coming home with one of my favs snacks, if I've had a bad day - suggesting we do something to take my mind off it, and being genuinely happy to see me and showing it (all of the above he doesnt do) Also planning things sometimes.

Can anyone shed some light on this....I dont know if I'm just expecting too much from a partner or does this kind of man exist?

Sorry for the long post

LegacyUser

It's pretty simple really; he's just not that into you.

He's not bothered.

He doesn't care about you enough to make effort.

This type of man you seek certainly does exist but only as part of a couple that are right for each other. To me, it doesn't sound like your man is interested in you enough to make any effort.

I know what I would be doing... Putting your life on hold for any man is a serious no-go. There are very few (if any) in life who are worth that.

gerryk

expectations2high wrote: »

does this kind of man exist?

Of course they do... I'm one. Sorry if that came across as flippant, but it's true. I am thoughtful... not always, but I try to be. I console my wife when she's upset, and I do things to make her happy... not perfectly, but I try.

In short, you're not being remotely unreasonable... this is what our partners do for us, and what we do for them.

LegacyUser

You could have been writing my biography there. Ex was the same, I was comprimising on absol everything (big things that should be discussed, not dictated...marriage date, kids, job, where we'd live)& he wasn't prepared to budge one iota on his "10year plan". It causes loads of arguments& you start to lose yourself in the midst of it all. OP, you MUST put yourself first. It's so scary being single after a longterm relationship. But it's far far more lonely being in a relationship where you don't count.

Neyite

expectations2high wrote: »

Am I wasting my time with this guy? We have the same fights over and over about him not putting enough effort into the relationship....

Yes, you are wasting your time. He is not putting in the effort because he does not have to - in 8 years, you have not shown him any consequences for his behaviour. When he bailed on your travel plans, did you go without him? No, you cancelled your plans instead. He does'nt need to worry that he will lose you if he puts his friends first, because you are waiting for him when he comes home to wait on him hand and foot. You are being absolutely taken for granted here, and you have tried to talk to him and got nowhere. Do you want to be writing another thread when you are 12 years together and you still cant get him to go travelling with you and its a repeat of this one.

C'mon girl, you deserve better than this, dont you?

kerryman12

Hi OP

You didnt mention in your post what age he is. I am going to assume he is a few years older, based on your post. The reason I am doind this is that I have seen this scenario a good few times down the year. At the moment my sister is in a similiar situation to this, and though it kills me I just cant talk to her about it- she kills it as soon as I bring it up in conversation.

People are different in the structure, or lack there of in there lives. To me you sound like you have, generally speaking your life planned out and are in a rush to get on with it. He sounds like the exact opposite. In many case people hate to have everything planned and layed out for them by others, or on the other hand just decide to opt out and leave the planning to others.

As to the way he treats you, well to be honest I think he needs a good kick in the ass. Problem is alot of guys dont appreciate what they have until it is gone. Dont waste you time looking for a perfect guy, he doesnt exist. The good news is that are 1000's of almost perfect guys to choose from.

You deserve to be treated better than this.

If I was to give you one piece of advise it is this; stop waiting to live you life. Go and do your travelling 6/12 months whatever. To be honest I think some time by yourself would be a good think.

LegacyUser

Hey all OP here,

Thanks all for your replies, you all make a load of sense. Just to clarify a few things, I do go travelling without him, alot, and every time I go, I keep thinking "why the heck am I in a relationship? Should he not want to be doing these things with me?". I get annoyed as I have men coming up to me, flirting, giving compliments etc and all I want is for him to be saying those things to me. I dont want anyone else, just a better him (if that makes any sense)
I see all my mates I used to travel with in new relationships, and now they are planning trips away with their partners, and are constantly planning their weekends with their new fellas. I dont want to be with my fella all the time, I love my girls weekends etc, but I would equally like a weekend being spoilt by my man.
Ive tried being on my own, loads of times, but he keeps coming back and telling me that I need to give us another chance, that Im his wife and I cant just give up. Its not like he's cheating on me and he promises to pay more attention to our relationship. And to be honest, he has got much better this past year, but now he's slipping back into his old ways and Im sick of going in circles.
I keep thinking he has so much potential, I'll just give him a chance to be better, and then sometimes I think it shouldnt be this hard. I guess I'm just confused about him, and I hate hurting him. And I couldnt stand the thought of him being with anyone else. Do you take the good with the bad? Or is this bad enough to walk away? He's not a bad guy to me, just unattentive and not great with emotions or planning.

Sorry to go on, thanks again for all your posts. I told him last night I'm going traveling with or without him, booked flights this morning for 2 weeks away with the girls and then booking my round the world travel after that. Im hoping he will take this as a wake up call to get his ass in to gear, but I wont hold my breath, either way I'm traveling and not putting my life on hold any longer!

kerryman12

hi again

Do you take the good with the bad?

well yea, you know that I am sure. no matter what relationship you are in you will always have to work at it. Sometimes it will be easy and sometimes not so easy - sometime bloody hard.

Or is this bad enough to walk away?

no one here can tell you that, and dont believe anyone who trys. Lets be honest I am just some random guy online talking crap. This is all just my opinion, and the opinion of others. I would hope that you taking some time for yourself will give you the space to decide.

From what you say, I agree he is not a bad guy - maybe thoughless and a bit too laid back. He still needs that kick in the ass though!

Best of luck

Cheap Thrills!

Stop doing everything and expecting that to make him to change.

He's not going to change. He's going to remain this way, that's who he is.

You might think the kinder and more thoughtful you are that he will suddenly have a lightbulb moment and realise what a diamond you are and start reciprocating.

He won't, that's not how it works. In fact the more you do for him the less he values it. Do you know what I mean?

I'm guessing he's really not all that into you either and you are flogging away trying to do it all.

You say when you tried to move on in the past he always talked you around, well of course he did. Your absence would have been inconvenient for him. He's a passive sort of person and would have missed you doing/organising everything.

That's the role you've established here. You are the Mammy and he is your kid. You either accept that or actually move on.

If you choose to move on you should know it's pretty difficult to scrape of a dependant type man. Be prepared for begging and manipulating to keep you around. To move on successfully you'd have to harden your heart to it though for your own good. If you can't do that then accept the relationship as it is.