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relationship without sex??

  • 18-01-2011 3:17pm
    #1
    sounding it out
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1 ✭


    I need to sound this out and i'd appreciate a different peron's opinion.

    I've been with my boyfriend for nearly a year. He is great - i love him to bits. There is no issue there at all. I am confident he loves me just as much.

    He cannot get aroused easily. When we first got together this was no issue at all and we had a healthy, active sex life. But for the last few months, there has been no proper sex. We have talked about this openly, inevitably ending up arguing about it. He assures me that its not me, its not someone else and its just his head or stress. My confidence found this hard to take at first cos i couldnt get away from it being a problem with me, but he has managed to get me back on track.

    I have asked that he see someone about this - doctor, psychologist - anyone really - but that he at least take some action, or that he start exercising more or watching his diet. He seems to want to just forget about the whole thing - which i can understand as it is a senstivie issue, and i can see how hard it is for him. But hte fact is that i have done research on it, and proposed steps to take, and he hasnt done a thing about it.

    So what am i supposed to do? I havent asked any of myfriends cos we socilise with them and i couldnt do that to him.
    Is it actually me?
    Should i be even getting involved or treat it as his issue?
    Should i be even entrertaining having a relationship with him?
    Is it as big a deal as i think it is? every other aspect of our relationship is brilliant.

    I'm mortified writting about this.


Comments

  • #2
    Ickle Magoo
    Closed Accounts Posts: 17,485 ✭✭✭✭Ickle Magoo


    How much does it bother you? You should be able to enjoy a healthy and happy sex life or at least a partner who is prepared to do their bit to ensure that you as a couple can enjoy a happy and healthy sex life. There are some that would have you believe that it's a form of sexual deviancy to consider a healthy and regular sex life as important and worth ending a relationship over - I'm not one of them, I'd view sex as important as manners and thoughtfulness and caring in a relationship and the lack thereof equally as damaging.

    I think if this is a big issue to you and the status quo a potential deal breaker you have to sit him down and spell that out. If he has developed an issue with sexual performance or confidence then he needs to work on that, he can't just brush it under the carpet and expect you to wait around indefinitely. At the very least he needs to be open and honest enough about what is going on in his head to let you both work through this together.

    All the best.


  • #3
    Bottle_of_Smoke
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 9,770 ✭✭✭Bottle_of_Smoke


    Its a major issue which can be easily fixed. You're doing everything you can to help and he's doing nothing.

    He's either hiding something or he cares more about a few minutes of embarrassment with the GP than your happiness.

    I'd start issuing warnings if I were you


  • #4
    Zen65
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,630 ✭✭✭Zen65


    sounding it out wrote: »
    He seems to want to just forget about the whole thing - which i can understand as it is a senstivie issue, and i can see how hard it is for him. But hte fact is that i have done research on it, and proposed steps to take, and he hasnt done a thing about it.

    So what am i supposed to do?

    Hi Op,

    Let's assume for a moment that he is being honest about this, and you are the best judge of that. From your research, do you have a suspicion as to what may be wrong?

    - Are there issues going back to his childhood or earlier relationship experiences?

    - Is he overweight?

    - Does he / did he drink a lot, or take drugs?
    I believe that cannabis or marijuana can have this effect even after stopping, but I'm no expert.

    - Is he in a high-stress job, or under threat of losing his job?

    - Does he take any form of regular exercise?

    If there are issues which are within his control at the heart of the problem, then frankly he needs to deal with them. All that you can do is ask him to try, and then support him. If he chooses not to deal with the problem then you have every reason to walk away and find somebody who can make you happy, but it's your choice. You may think you love him enough to put up with this, but should he not also love you enough to get help?


    Be at peace,

    Z


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