Relationship Lacking Sex

um7y1h83ge06nx

Hi guys,

I've just been feeling frustrated, particularly the last few days so I thought I would write this.

I've been seeing a great girl for the last 6 months now. Everything is perfect except the amount of sex we're having. Now, she is away in college in a different city in her final year so of course that puts a strain of things and I of course have to accept that. What annoys me is that sometimes when we have the opportunity to have sex she doesn't want to.

For example we met up on Sunday night, the 16th. Due to a few different things happening, the last time we met up was the 7th and the last time we had sex was the 6th. So I was pretty eager to hopefully have sex after 1.5 weeks. However she just didn't want to, she was "tired" and had to get up early in the morning.

I was pretty frustrated by things and have been in a poor mood since. Sometimes I feel she's not that attracted to me but she mentioned the last night about going on summer holidays and other things in the future.

Now I have a pretty high sex drive, I was probably having more sex when I was single than I was in this relationship. Certainly in my previous relationship I didn't frustrated at all, things were fine in this area. But I think she is a great girl and so don't want this to drive us apart.

prinz

Marilyn Ashy Self-esteem wrote: »

What annoys me is that sometimes when we have the opportunity to have sex she doesn't want to.

..and? She's allowed not to want to, even when the 'opportunity' is there. She has valid reasons and in the long run 10 days is not a huge amount of time to go without.

What I have found is that the more pressure is on to have sex, the less some people are actually interested in it. Give her a break.

kerryman12

Hi OP

Well dont let it drive you apart, if you feel like that.

In the first case I think you need to give you GF some space right now, if she has finals coming up she has enough crap in her head. You dont want to be adding to this.
To state the obvious people have different sex drives. Maybe that is the case here, maybe not - maybe she is under a lot of pressure right now with exams. This is something you should talk to her about, tell her what you are thinking etc - but again now is not the right time.

One of the problems with long distance relationships is of course the lack of time you have together, generally this brings issues to a relationship but specifically in this case it means if you guys are to have sex then it can only happen at the weekends. This puts a lot of pressure in the air. You need to try and defuse this situation, and also realise that just because it is the weekend and becuase ye are together dosent mean you must have sex.
I have been in exactly this position for years. If you want to be with this person you need to figure out that sex is just one part of a relationship.

Finally dude, being in a relationship is not about sex on tap. I am sure you know this. Dont let the little head rule the big head and mess up a good thing.

Best of Luck

Mind44

prinz wrote: »

..and? She's allowed not to want to, even when the 'opportunity' is there. She has valid reasons and in the long run 10 days is not a huge amount of time to go without.

kerryman12 wrote: »

give you GF some space right now

just because it is the weekend and becuase ye are together dosent mean you must have sex.

If you want to be with this person you need to figure out that sex is just one part of a relationship.

Finally dude, being in a relationship is not about sex on tap

Those responses are all well and good, but OP you can't bury your head in the sand either. True, sex isn't everything. And, of course, she has every right (as do you) to not have sex whenever she wants. Those things go without saying. BUT, let me give you some advice here. Sex is clearly important to you. It might not be all that important to her. Possibly it's just the stress of her exams that's putting her off. But it's also quite possible that sex is not a big deal to her. That's fine. We're all different. But if you really do have major differences in libidos this is not a problem that will just go away. You are right to be aware of it now as potentially it could be a huge issue.

I buried my head in the sand 15 or 16 years ago with my own relationship. My husband stopped wanting sex. It's just not a big deal to him. It is to me. I suppose I thought things would rectify themselves because I loved by husband too much to let sex ruin our relationship. But guess what? Nothing changed. I'm not happy. Sure, sex isn't everything. It's not like I'm a sex addict, lol, nor or you. But yeah it gets me down, it makes me depressed and it's had a huge negative impact on my marriage.

None of this could be the case with you. It could be temporary. But do keep an eye on the situation. If she truly has a very low libido and isn't all that keen on sex, this could have a huge impact on the rest of your life and on her life too.

um7y1h83ge06nx

Thanks for the responses.

I do realise that sex is only one part of a relationship. It just annoys me that everything else is going so well and this is the only area that is lacking. I don't know about you guys but I believe that sex in a relationship creates a great emotional connection, it's not just physical.

I guess I miss not having that emotional connection as much as I like. I was a little surprised for instance that she was talking about summer holidays etc. the last night, as I was beginning to doubt if she was even attracted to me.

Now because she is in her final year and busy I have been trying to give her breathing space. I just worry that things may not improve.

prinz

Marilyn Ashy Self-esteem wrote: »

I do realise that sex is only one part of a relationship. It just annoys me that everything else is going so well and this is the only area that is lacking. I don't know about you guys but I believe that sex in a relationship creates a great emotional connection, it's not just physical..

It is. it's great, but there are times when some people just lose a bit of interest, stress at work, feeling down, feeling unfit/bad diet etc. When you see each other rarely then it creates an expectation and sex can become almost chorelike. If it annoys you that you had to go 10 days without sex I'd say you have a bit of growing up to do.

Marilyn Ashy Self-esteem wrote: »

I guess I miss not having that emotional connection as much as I like...

There are other ways to connect emotionally. Perhaps seize this opportunity to work on them? What about couples where one partner has a disability or an illness, or long distance relationships where couples might not see each other for months at a time?

Marilyn Ashy Self-esteem wrote: »

I was a little surprised for instance that she was talking about summer holidays etc. the last night, as I was beginning to doubt if she was even attracted to me..

That could be unrelated to the sex issue. There are many reasons why someone might not be in the mood besides lack of attraction. I would advise against going down that particular emotional blackmail road.

Marilyn Ashy Self-esteem wrote: »

Now because she is in her final year and busy I have been trying to give her breathing space. I just worry that things may not improve.

Maybe they won't, maybe they will, I would guess in this case they will due to the strain of her final year etc. You have to weigh up the benefits of waiting some time for her, versus leaving her.

um7y1h83ge06nx

prinz wrote: »

It is. it's great, but there are times when some people just lose a bit of interest, stress at work, feeling down, feeling unfit/bad diet etc. When you see each other rarely then it creates an expectation and sex can become almost chorelike. If it annoys you that you had to go 10 days without sex I'd say you have a bit of growing up to do.

Yeah, that can happen alright. I guess the only fear I have is surely the initial "honeymoon" spark can't be gone after just six months?

prinz wrote: »

There are other ways to connect emotionally. Perhaps seize this opportunity to work on them? What about couples where one partner has a disability or an illness, or long distance relationships where couples might not see each other for months at a time?

Yeah I see your point and I do try to work on other things. But I always maintain that if sex is ignored, a couple really are almost just like good friends rather than an actual couple.

prinz wrote: »

That could be unrelated to the sex issue. There are many reasons why someone might not be in the mood besides lack of attraction. I would advise against going down that particular emotional blackmail road.

It's genuinely not a blackmail road. After a relatively short space of time together it's not completely easy for most people to ascertain if the other person is actually attracted to them or not, at least not for me.

Ickle Magoo

Perhaps you just aren't suited sexually? Some people don't need or want sex very often, others have a much higher sex drive - you can either find someone else who shares your sex drive or accept sex with your current girlfriend is going to be slim pickings. TBH, six months in and they weren't interested in sex after not seeing each other for weeks would be a big red flag that we weren't suited.

Best of luck.

prinz

Marilyn Ashy Self-esteem wrote: »

Yeah, that can happen alright. I guess the only fear I have is surely the initial "honeymoon" spark can't be gone after just six months?..

Who says it's gone? People generally don't have a constant sex drive throughout their lives, sometimes it's up, sometimes it's down.

Marilyn Ashy Self-esteem wrote: »

Yeah I see your point and I do try to work on other things. But I always maintain that if sex is ignored, a couple really are almost just like good friends rather than an actual couple..

Sex being ignored completely is one thing. Going through a 'dry spell' because of perfectly valid reasons is another.

Marilyn Ashy Self-esteem wrote: »

It's genuinely not a blackmail road. After a relatively short space of time together it's not completely easy for most people to ascertain if the other person is actually attracted to them or not, at least not for me.

You've been together six months, which you describe that as a "relatively short period of time". You've gone without sex for less than a fortnight and it has you questioning the entire relationship....

annapolska

Was it just the one time that she's denied you?

Possible that it was her time of the month and she was just embarrassed...

It's a difficult situation with her being away as it creates an expectation of sex whenever you do see each other, and sometimes that's just a mood-killer.

If she's stressed from exams, etc, ask if there's anything you can do for her? There probably isn't, but just offering to be supportive and listening can work wonders. :pac:

Sibylla

OP perhaps she is just tired. I think you might be reading into it to much. You said she's in her final year in a different city she's most likely under a lot of pressure. Also with the majority of women just because there is an opportunity doesn't mean they always want too. If you like this girl I think you should try and support her explain your feelings and tell her you have needs. Best not to let these things escalate.

LegacyUser

OP, buy her a vibrator or bullet or something she will enjoy. Sometimes if people go a while without stimulation, they lose the horniness. This may be her case.
Choosing something she may enjoy together may help with your problem but it is not guaranteed. Worth a shot though.

um7y1h83ge06nx

annapolska wrote: »

Was it just the one time that she's denied you?

Possible that it was her time of the month and she was just embarrassed...

It's a difficult situation with her being away as it creates an expectation of sex whenever you do see each other, and sometimes that's just a mood-killer.

If she's stressed from exams, etc, ask if there's anything you can do for her? There probably isn't, but just offering to be supportive and listening can work wonders. :pac:

Thanks for the replies guys. I don't think it was her period that was the issue, her area of study is medical so I think she wouldn't be embarrassed to talk about that.

Yeah I think it's the expectation of sex when you don't see someone regularly that is the killer for me. We were out one night around Christmas and taxis were scarce so me, her and her friends decided we would all share a taxi and stop off at our different places. My place was the first stop and when it became apparent that I was getting out on my own her friend made some comments to her along the lines of "Oh, are you not staying at Super_Sonic's" and "Why at you not staying at Super_Sonic's". I guess her friend thought that seeing as we didn't see each other earlier in the Christmas that her staying at mine was a given. I just pretended not to notice the comments but it sort of made me feel bad.

I hope she is stressed and that there isn't other things like lack of attraction, or low sex drive behind this. I have helped her conduct some research and have always said I'm there to help her out.

OP perhaps she is just tired. I think you might be reading into it to much. You said she's in her final year in a different city she's most likely under a lot of pressure. Also with the majority of women just because there is an opportunity doesn't mean they always want too. If you like this girl I think you should try and support her explain your feelings and tell her you have needs. Best not to let these things escalate.

Yeah, hopefully so. I'm going to hang on and see what will happen over the summer when the stress is off.
I really like the girl and we're very well suited so I try to be as understanding as possible. It not just a case of me "getting the ride", it's more the lack of the strong emotional connection that sex in a relationship brings that I feel is lacking
Sometimes I do feel a little unwanted though.

OP, buy her a vibrator or bullet or something she will enjoy. Sometimes if people go a while without stimulation, they lose the horniness. This may be her case.
Choosing something she may enjoy together may help with your problem but it is not guaranteed. Worth a shot though.

Initially she was quite shy regarding sex and discussing sex but she has recently opened up to me a lot. For example, during foreplay I would get her to verbalise what's she likes and how her body responds to different types of stimulation, speed, pressure etc. This has really made things good for us, when things do happen.

kerryman12

I do think that mind44 made a lot of valid point. That said I think this

I'm going to hang on and see what will happen over the summer when the stress is off.
I really like the girl and we're very well suited so I try to be as understanding as possible.

is the right approach.

best of luck.

Motley Crue

You need to realise that there is more to a relationship then sex and that, sometimes, waiting a week or two between sex sessions just happens depending on schedules and what not

um7y1h83ge06nx

Of course that's true but I think when a man brings up an issue like this he is always accused of just thinking with his penis.

There is a huge emotional aspect to sex when in a relationship. It allows a couple to feel closer in every way and for people to feel wanted in a relationship. I love the great feeling of cuddling in bed with a girl I care about after sex. I feel contented and that everything is good with the world.

My fear is not really the situation now but if that situation will continue. A relationship between two people where there is little or no sex is like being friends or friends with benefits.

kerryman12

Of course that's true but I think when a man brings up an issue like this he is always accused of just thinking with his penis.

I think you are right.

There is a huge emotional aspect to sex when in a relationship. It allows a couple to feel closer in every way and for people to feel wanted in a relationship. I love the great feeling of cuddling in bed with a girl I care about after sex. I feel contented and that everything is good with the world.

I agree 100%

My fear is not really the situation now but if that situation will continue. A relationship between two people where there is little or no sex is like being friends or friends with benefits.

maybe, maybe not. Its early days to be thinking that way, I think. Give it some time.

Faith

Not wanting sex 6 months into a relationship would sound massive warning bells for me. I've been in a relationship where my partner, after about a year, seemed to stop caring about sex very much. I thought it was a phase, it would get better, but it never did. I'd speak to her about it - ask her straight out how she'd describe her sex drive. If you're not compatible on that score, trust me it will eat away at the rest of your relationship. There's no point investing another 6 months of emotions in this relationship if you're fundamentally on different pages in this regard.

curlzy

Ok OP,

My own experience of working full time and going to college part time (photography degree) was a total drop in libido, until I finished the degree. Have you ever had sex when you're really not in the mood? Like you have to be up early and sex just seems like an arduous chore? I'm guessing not, going purely on the sexist notion that as a 20ish year old male you're always up for sex (sorry, will apologise if I've offended). So you take her not wanting it to her not wanting you. In reality she probably wants nothing more than to rock your world but just doesn't have the energy or the inclination. I don't think you can diagnose someone's future libido based on a period of high stress.

You're putting alot of pressure on yourself and subconsciously you're probably letting her know. If you really like this girl forget about sex for now, she'll let you know when she wants it and just concentrate on making your time together as fun as possible, I'm sure she'd do the same for you if the roles were reversed. I bet a tenner her libido shoots up again when she's finished studying.

But if it's driving you to distraction and you're not that mad about her, maybe go back to being single for a while?

seenitall

Marilyn Ashy Self-esteem wrote: »

Initially she was quite shy regarding sex and discussing sex but she has recently opened up to me a lot. For example, during foreplay I would get her to verbalise what's she likes and how her body responds to different types of stimulation, speed, pressure etc. This has really made things good for us, when things do happen.

Look, OP, I have an idea but also I could be completely wrong about this, it is just an idea I have about your situation that springs to mind, so bear with me for a little while and then feel free to dismiss it if you don't think it applies.

I think that I have recently read more posts from you in this vein, i.e. how you got your shy g/f to open up about sex, talk about sex during foreplay, etc, and it seems that this (communication about sex) is a really important part of a relationship for you.

Now, just from my own perspective, I can't see anything wrong with it, of course; it is good to verbalise stuff and learn about how to please each other. In theory.

However, I remember being in a relationship with a guy similar to yourself in that respect; he was very eager to communicate everything sexual and sensual, and this, I am afraid, ended up being a complete turn-off for me. Talking about stuff so much meant for me that, somehow the mystery of sensuality and sexuality that makes it a buzz for me to be with someone was completly encroached upon by "let us throw a light on everything and anything between the sheets" approach - it is a pragmatic and a sound approach but I am afraid that, for me, it felt kind of... I dunno... clinical. And unromantic.

For me, the idea of a successful sexual and romantic relationship with someone is mostly about clicking with someone. It is effortless, it is not work and it doesn't feel like work - it is light and fun and lusty, and it is very much about being on the same wavelength sexually, so that any "tweaking" and verbalising that needs to be done, is done in that same spirit of fun and sharing. I did not like to be called up on my sexuality by my ex and I would not appreciate to be "got to open up", especially during foreplay.

I have to re-iterate at this point that this is only my take on talking about sexuality, I have no doubt it is influenced by my repressed upbringing, it is no doubt less sound/beneficial for a long-term relationship than your one, but there it is - feelings and attitudes are often completely irrational.

They are also often completely contradictory; I don't think that there is a person who knows me, who would dream of calling me shy, and I have no problem verbalising sexual topics in a social setting or similar, with the security of rational, contextual detachment in place, yet perhaps, if we are calling your girlfriend shy about talking to her b/f about these things, then I guess, so was/am I.

The point is I felt my ex was too intense, too intrusive and too eloquent in bed for my liking, I really ended up not enjoying having sex as much as I had used to in the first days of the relationship, and I ended up caring about the physical side of the relationship less and less, as I was seeing him more and more as a forceful and intrusive type of person. It just ceased to be enjoyable.

Again, this may not apply to your situation at all, but just in case it does in any way...

Best wishes.

um7y1h83ge06nx

Those female responses are excellent, thanks.

I think I need to pull back a bit and chill out. If I wasn't as interested in her as I am this probably wouldn't bother me!

theofficepest

<SNIP>

um7y1h83ge06nx

Thought I'd come back and give an update.

Last Thursday night we discussed this over the phone (she was meant to call over but had a presentation deadline to meet). I just had to bring it up as it was really playing on my mind.

I told her that I wasn't picking a fight or making an elaborate breaking up speech, I was just confused. So I told her pretty much was I said here, that I'm crazy about her but feel confused about the lack of intimacy.

In fairness she took things well and assured me that she would love nothing more than to spend more time with me in every way. She admitted that the stress and pressure of her final year in quite a demanding course was taking it's toll on her sex drive and general energy levels.

I told her that I was amazed sometimes that she was able to keep things going between us but hopefully in May things will calm down and we can enjoy ourselves more.

annapolska

She sounds like a cool girl, and good of you to just air your concerns with her. It's really the only way to make progress. Only a few more months and things will be back to normal. :pac: Glad it's worked out!

Joey the lips

Hi op.

You have gotten a lot of moral answers. I think a simple answer is more obvious and a little less condecending.

Men demand sex more than women. I see it all the time. I hear it all the time and i am no different. Men think nothing of a 3 min shag where this does not suit the majority of women. Men are tired, women are tired. But men will make time for a ride.

There is nothing more annoying then hearing from a women "I was shattered last night but could not sleep a wink" well either could i babe cause i was dying for me bit.....

Now the above seems crude bit i feel its reality.

You will just have to decide if you love your girl enough to wait for those times.

I think your frustration has just caused you to throw this out. I dont read you as a bad person.

Best of luck