To be or Not to Be

sput1

well that is the question?
a few years ago while in college i met a girl from near home, we got on great and found out some our friends already knew each other
anyway all going great great great, ups and downs as per any relationship but nothing serious!
until my friends relationship started to come under stress,i wasn't a go between but wasn't in a nice situation,anyway to cut a long childish story short, he kept pecking in my ear, you should watch her,you should make her stop going out on her own, you should do this you should do that...now bear in mind we were late teens/early 20s and having the craic and enjoying college! it came to the point that it made me paranoid and one night i drove her away, as they say i lost the head over nothing and blew it,i never touched her but i did break stuff and did frighten her, even then this was out of character for me, and even more so now, im not one to lose my temper and have never done anything like this before or after!
after we finished my friend tried to defn put the nails in the coffin by telling me there was rumours going around about me and her and she said this and i did that and all that crap which annoyed me and made me out to be a real looser and wimp as i did keep trying to get her back!!
i realised this to be bull**** and haven't had any contact with this friend in years! after i cut contact life became immediately easier as every move i made,weather it was getting too drunk or in bad form or what ever i did wasn't psychoanalyzed every given second of the day.
i got over the girl and got on with my life,
in our early 30s now and haven't seen each other(the girl) in years apart from the odd night out or passing in the street where it would be just a polite hi/bye situation which never ignited anything.
until lately!!
due to the economy were both back home again, and started talking again, superficially now not crazy deep stuff which apart from this thread i haven't sprouted in years either!
anyway its like theres something there, a defn attraction, we get on really well and really do have a good time in each others company, although we havent been alone for any extended period of time, normally, and even given i have friends who are exs, have meet exs and whatnot i have never had the same want or need just to ask someone out again.
if this was only the 1st time to meet!
im not lonely, im single but loving it and not really the relationship kind so i know its not a fear of loneliness or comfort in the familiar that's causing me to think about her, i am genuinely mad about her and i know she like me too but i can see shes holding back like hell as well! i havent felt as if there were butterflys going around the twist in my tummy since, well prob the 1st time we were together!
what does one do? i have always been the "go for it" outgoing kind of person until this where the handbrake is firmly on!
what do ye reckon?

Wompa1

I'd ask her out to dinner. Obviously if your not sure about a relationship take things slow and don't try to jump her bones. When she says yes which she most likely will. Apologise for your outburst say you look back on it and can't believe how childish you were, tell her you still get butterflies around her and feel a spark. Then let it takes it's own course. Not like you have anything to lose with her

sput1

no i have nothing to lose i suppose!
but i don't want to look like a crazy ex or anything like that which i prob came across as all those years ago with a little help from my friend and lord knows what was said after we did part ways!
i don't want to bring any of that up again!
but then if i was to chicken out altogether i wouldn't be on this forum.
dinner would be nice, id love just to be able to talk to her...were at the same function this weekend so maybe something will happen, i dont know yet! would much prefer for her to make the move!!!!

dub_3

If at all possible, use the function at the weekend to apologise for your behaviour in the past. Wompa1's suggestion for you to describe it as 'childish' is excellent. It allows you to distance yourself from it and show that kind of behaviour is firmly in the past.

Don't ask her out after the apology, that would completely ruin it.
Would look like you only apologised to get back into her pants.

Just go with a bit of 'how have you been' chit chat.

You say you'd prefer her to make the move, well now you've set the stage for that.

Or at the end of the night you could say 'it was nice catching up, we should go for a drink sometime'

That should be giving her enough clues about how you're thinking, and give her a bit of time to think about it before you actually ask her out.

or she might take the lead and ask herself

Good Luck

sput1

slowly and bit by bit seem to be the way forward alright!
i guess well have to see how things play out, thanks for not telling me to shut up shop anyway!

annapolska

Excellent advice from dub3. You will be able to tell by her reaction if she would be receptive if you ask her out in the future.

sput1

thanks anna
dosent stop the fear though but suppose seeing as it is a function if all goes pear shaped it can be blamed on the booze!

dub_3

Don't be afraid.

If all you're doing is apologising for the previous 'childishness', saying how nice it is to see her again, how well she's looking etc... then there's not much to go wrong there.

If she's being friendly when you talk to her, then at the end of the night,
you're not sticking your neck out much to say 'we should have a drink sometime'

You're only being friendly, not asking her on a date or anything.

The key thing is not to get drunk and make an eejit of yourself in front of her.
Or even worse ask her out when drunk.

sput1

i wont, will play by ear and see what happens, no panic anyway!!
feel like a teenager again!