Best friend cheated

LegacyUser

I just don't know who else to tell right now. I found out some shocking news today. My best friend cheated on her boyfriend with her flatmate. To give some context, they have been together for 2 years. Plans to marry and all that. The boyfriend lives with his parents whereas she's renting (she's foreign). Last August, she moved in with a guy she knew from work. I asked if this was a good idea and she maintained that it was all platonic, she had no interest in him, etc etc. I thought no more about it.

So today she broke down and told me that she'd slept with the flatmate several times. I just looked at her and asked what on earth she was thinking and she claimed that she didn't know, it just happened. I have no idea how you get to the stage of having some guy's penis in your vagina without knowing what's going on, but she claimed that her hormones got the better of her. My initial reaction was disgust, to be honest. I asked her if she'd be fessing up to the boyfriend and she said no, that he'd leave her and she'd be alone. I told her that personally that would be the risk I'd take because I couldn't deal with the lying. She seems to think it isn't her fault or something because she got carried away and she's 'not the kind of person who cheats'. She cheated on all her ex-boyfriends! I just can't understand how anyone could be so easy on themselves. I was once in a situation where I could have cheated on my OH, and I felt so guilty and sick for even letting myself get into that situation. She's had sex with this flatmate several times and she thinks it's OK to just carry on like nothing happened.

What do I do? Am I being judgemental here? She kept begging me to forgive her and saying she's not a bad person, but in my eyes, a nice person doesn't deceive the person closest to them. Another thing is that the flatmate's girlfriend is a good friend of hers, so she's deceiving her as well. I declined an invitation to a party (where all of them will be) tonight because I just feel so disgusted by the whole thing. I really don't know if I'll be able to look at my friend the same again.

Wagon

yeah she sounds pretty crap girlfriend material. And friend material because by telling you, she got you involved with this as well.

I don't think you're being judgemental. You're calling it like you see it, which is pretty accurate. How well do you know her boyfriend? Are ye mates with him too?

Miss Fluff

There's nothing you can do really. Although I don't think she should have told you as it's involving you and that's not fair.

Either way, it's not your business really to go telling her boyfriend, that's something for her to do and to deal with....

temply

would not get into such a state over it, nothing really to do with you.

kerryman12

Hi Op

I think you are being Judgemental, but so would anybody else - so dont give that a second though.

Dont get involved in this, its not your buisness. I think she is using you to ease her guilt, which is not very nice - and not something a friend does.

Best of luck

claireeney

yeah, stay well out of this. God it's hard, Ive been there but I made the mistake of gettin involved without actually knowing I was. but even giving advice to her gets you more involved than you want/need. She's gettin rid of some of the burden on you and it's not yours to bear! It's hers and your right, she had to know what she was doing. the boyfriend must be suspicious or she's still be keeping quiet.

Tell her you dont want to hear about it and it was selfish of her to tell you in the first place.

whatsamsn

Unregistered wrote: »

What do I do? Am I being judgemental here?

You are not being judgemental.
You now know that she, who I imagine you considered to have decent qualities because she is a friend, is a total user, liar and a cheater. Which is everything you are not from what you said. You're not being judgemental. You are being disgusted by such actions.

I agree 100% that these things dont "just happen" :rolleyes: - dare I say she is a wh*re. As you say she has cheated on previous boyfriends too.

But .... you're in a catch 22 situation. If you tell her bf (and subsequently flatmates gf will probably find out) you run the risk of every party turning against you (while all you would be doing is showing deceny) ... on the flipside if you dont tell and either party finds out you knew. You are as good as scum because you could of told. This is a moral catch 22.


But for some good advice stay away from this friend of yours. If she is willing to betray someone close to her (remember partners are often closer than friends) what do you think she will inevitably do to you? ... thats just common sense. She'll eventually hurt you too. You know what she is... you dont need to wait around until she inevitably does some action against you.

Knowing that information... and if other circumstances werent involved (ie having to work together etc) I would probably tell the bf and ditch her as a friend. I wouldnt let some disgraceful person make my morals and ethics flexible.

Can you send him an anonymous email or letter and tell him that way

ABajaninCork

bluewolf wrote: »

Can you send him an anonymous email or letter and tell him that way

NO!!!!!:eek:

Wompa1

Maybe tell a friend of his? It's best to stay out of it but I feel bad for the guy and the other guys gf... They deserve to get outer and dumped

whatsamsn

I feel the same as you Wompa. Normally would suggest stay out of it. But knowing she cheated several times with this house mate, and with previous boyfriends. Shes a horrible person. Really questions your ethics.

But it has to be said that shes putting you in a terrible position OP. She only confided in you to be a shoulder to cry on - but in a conscience type of way. To feel less bad. But of course not telling the one person who counts.

If I put yourself in your shoes ... and if I didnt say anything I feel like I would be covering for her. I aint no moral crusader. Anything but. But putting me in a situation where I would feel so bad for not letting the bf know? all so she could feel a bit better? to bend my ethics/morals? just for her to do it again .. and what TELL me again? :rolleyes:

For my own piece of mind i'd let it "slip" to someone. As they say bad news travels fast. I wouldnt trust her one bit too. I'd put money down in the forseeable future op that she'll do something against you too. She betrayed a partner of 2 years as well as other ex's. You think she wouldnt destroy your friendship?

curlzy

:eek::eek:BLUERGH!!! That is just disgusting, what a nasty little wh*re indeed and the guy is just as bad. What a pair of absolute scumbags. Honestly OP, I really would tell the boyfriend and girlfriend that they are getting cheated on. I'm sure they'll shoot the messenger but I personally could not stand by and let two innocent people go about their business while this is going on behind their backs. I'm sure when they calm down they'll realise you did them a favour. Do you even want to be friends with her anymore? I know I wouldn't, she sounds like the crappiest type of human being. She takes zero responsibility for her actions, her hormones made her do it? **** off, what utter crap, she sounds like a selfish, nasty, delusional, lying, cheating...... I could go on but you get the idea. I seriously wouldn't be friends with someone like that. I really honestly would tell the boyfriend and girlfriend and just cut the friendship with the her. I don't know your circumstance but even if she were my only friend I'd rather be friendless than be involved in something like that, and knowing about it and not saying anything IS being involved. Personally I would definately tell.

neuro-praxis

Wow, can people really not reply without calling this woman a whore?

OP, if you are trying to punish your friend for what she has done then yes, you are being judgmental. However it is good and right that you find her actions upsetting.

If I were in your position, I would suggest to her that either she lets her boyfriend know what is going on, or you do. She got you involved - you didn't choose this situation and goodness knows, her boyfriend didn't.

I would also suggest that you reign in your criticisms. She knows how you feel at this point. Either you are her friend or you're not. You can be friends with someone and still disagree with their moral choices.

fungun

a once off is forgivable, but after it happened once she clearly didnt do anything to stop it happening again, which is the worst thing.
You are correct, this is horrible behavior and there is nothing wrong with you for thinking this. And I couldnt look at her in the same way again, thats for sure.

But telling him? Not sure

Logical Fallacy

She is currently engaging in fairly typical cheater behaviour, that is to say cheating, deciding she feels bad about it, telling a "friend" to make herself feel better and then excusing her behaviour.

You don't sleep with someone a few times without realising what you are doing.

She has put you in a pretty ****e situation here, if i was you i would consider more how you want to react to THAT, than the situation that got here there. It's really her job to grow up and break things off with her boyfriend, maybe even finding the decency to tell him the truth along the way.

The real question is, do you want to have a friend who is willing to put you in the situation of having to live her lie and cover her mistakes?

Wagon

neuro-praxis wrote: »

Wow, can people really not reply without calling this woman a whore?

We calls it like we see em'. We're whale biologists

If I were in your position, I would suggest to her that either she lets her boyfriend know what is going on, or you do. She got you involved - you didn't choose this situation and goodness knows, her boyfriend didn't.

Really good advice but how do you know that this bítch won't run to her boyfriend and start saying that the OP is spreading lies about her?

That's the problem here. So i'd just be pushing for telling the boyfriend straight out and leaving the rest to him. It might mean that your friendship is over with her but honestly, would that really matter? She doesnt sound like the type of person who you'd want to keep around anyway.

ziedth

A couple of things I'd consider before I told anyone.

1. What about mutual friends? Your hardly going to come out of this looking Daz white if you go right up and tell him.

2. How well do you know the BF? If you are friends with him too then in your position I'd tell him (or her).

In a big way it's not your problem and in reality nothing good is going to happen to you out of telling him. But, As someone who has been cheated on and considering your friend but you in this awful position if I were in your shoes I'd more then likely buy a blank sim card and send him a text.

It's not a brave move but it does limit the damage coming your way too. But I could understand if you wanted to forget it.

Good luck.