Parents constantly worry

highlydebased

I'm not being ungrateful or overreacting. However since I've started college last September the level of worry which my parents manifest has reached an unbearable level. I'm still living with my parents and commuting daily for financial reasons. It was only natural that the relationship I have with my parents would change regardless- I want more and more independence than they are willing to give.

It has peaked particularly this weekend when a few of my closest friends came back a week early from the holidays and we said we'd have a few drinks. I've always been drinking in these peoples houses since the start of college but I've generally tried to tell my parents as little as possible, often I've lied about who I've been with. These are all honest trustable people- I would not associate for a second with people who were not. Anyway, I informed my parents that I was going to stay over with these people. Basically they expressed sentiments of disapproval. "All those things that happen at these parties" etc, thinking we were going to be shooting up on drugs etc, or believing the sort of things that feature on Joe Duffy.. So I went and came home yesterday morning to be told they "stayed up all night worrying"

In all fairness, its gone a bit too far. I've always responded if they text me when I'm out asking if I'm alright. But putting me on guilt trips and making me feel like I shouldnt be going. I see their point of view certainly, but they can't see mine. They know I'm not stupid enough to go doing anything silly. If something did happen its not as if my friends would leave me- they've already looked after me if I've been worse for wear. I've already said to my parents that I worry about myself as it is, because I dont wanted to get robbed/raped/attacked as much as they dont want me to.

Before I've shaked off the endless barrages of questions and so on. I'm in college so I should be enjoying myself. Not having to stay home just to appease the parents. If I end up working over the summer I've said I'm going to rent a room next year- they seem to agree if I can financially do that myself then off with me.

anyway how can I best deal with this- It's caused me much upset and distress. I have many problems of my own as it is without having to deal with this.

Elle Collins

Well your parents are your parents so they are always going to worry about you, but what they are also doing here is smothering you, which you do not have to tolerate.

I have a son who's younger than you (he's got to be since you're in college and he's in leaving cert year) and if I gave him the type of crap you're talking about he'd tell me to cop onto myself! - I know he would!

tinkerbell

Regardless of you still living under your parents' roof, they cannot control what you are doing. You are doing nothing wrong, unless you were up to no good or dis-respecting them, then I'd say stop making them so worried. But you're not doing anything to cause worry.

You have to sit them down and tell them that while you appreciate their concern, the obsessive worrying is not necessary. Tell them that you are an adult and capable of making sound judgements and you are not a baby anymore. You reply to them if you are out - that can't be said for a lot of college students. What would they do if you moved out? Sure they wouldn't even see you coming home at night then. Are they gonna stay up for days on end worrying over nothing?

And do not let them guilt trip you. Tell them you are going out, you will see them later.

chicken fingers

Lets talk about your cellphone?
If they were awake all night is there any reason why they would not have called you?

Id guess that you were ignoring their calls, and perhaps if you had spent 2 mins talking to them it would have been ok.

Don´t lie to them (why DID you lie anyways?), as when they find you out they will stop trusting you. They most likely know when you lie by your face, you are their child after all.

highlydebased

chicken fingers wrote: »

Lets talk about your cellphone?
If they were awake all night is there any reason why they would not have called you?

Id guess that you were ignoring their calls, and perhaps if you had spent 2 mins talking to them it would have been ok.

Don´t lie to them (why DID you lie anyways?), as when they find you out they will stop trusting you. They most likely know when you lie by your face, you are their child after all.

Well they did not call me. I would have been reluctant to answer if I'd been drinking but I'd have gone outside to call them back. They did text saying they'd come and collect me if I decided I wanted to come home.

Lying to avoid questions endless and unnecessary questions. They will never find out, because there is no possible way that a certain night when I said I would be with X when I was really with Y could come up again in memory.

prinz

Neon-Circles wrote: »

I've generally tried to tell my parents as little as possible, often I've lied about who I've been with. These are all honest trustable people....

Act like an adult and you'll get treated like one.


Of course your parents worry, that's what parents do, but they generally ease off when you show them that you are capable of looking after yourself and in good company. You're not off to a good start if you lie to them about what you do, and who you are with. Talk about childish. Are your parents psychic? How are they supposed to know you are with "honest trustable people" when you lie about about the people you associate with? Is it any wonder they worry, they can probably spot a mile off that you are being shifty about who you are hanging around with.

Big Bag of Chips

OP, I get the lying so as to avoid questions.. I'm 33, married, with 3 children... I still lie to my mother about things I'm doing!!!

I agree that ALL parents will worry.. regardless of how old you are. It's the job of a parent, but as a previous poster mentioned they are SMOTHERING you rather than worrying about you.

Tell them that they have done a good job raising you, and you have a sensible head on your shoulders (thanks to them... bit of flattery never hurts!).

They are going to have to start letting go of you little by little.. don't let yourself be guilted though. It's THEIR decision to "stay up all night" (if they indeed did..!) you told them you wouldn't be home.

Carry on your life as a normal college student. Try to stay out of trouble and not end up in hospital or arrested! If you don't bow to them, they will eventually have to accept (although they may never like it!) that you are growing up.

But do remember it's only a few short months ago that you were in school. You may grow up quick, but parents are generally a bit slower to catch up.

highlydebased

prinz wrote: »

Act like an adult and you'll get treated like one.


Of course your parents worry, that's what parents do, but they generally ease off when you show them that you are capable of looking after yourself and in good company. You're not off to a good start if you lie to them about what you do, and who you are with. Talk about childish. Are your parents psychic? How are they supposed to know you are with "honest trustable people" when you lie about about the people you associate with? Is it any wonder they worry, they can probably spot a mile off that you are being shifty about who you are hanging around with.

I've generally done it when I have not been willing to test the limits of my patience by spending a half hour before I go out explaining who is going to be there- its over the top. I have mentioned these people before though in normal conversation as a means of somewhat subtly letting on their are not psychopaths.

Also note I never said I've lied to them about what I've been doing- that I've been honest about!

They are all honest trustable people- however I may suggest I'm being with people my parents have met before.

starlit

Op, I think you need to be somewhere what honest with your parents as to who you are with at least you don't have to tell them your where abouts all the time at least tell them where you are going out and so on. I think there is lieing and there is not telling the whole truth, you can be truthful but not tell your parents everything. You have your own personal life and you parents need to let you live it.

If its drinking and drugs or anti social things, they will be worried. Are you concerned your parents might not approve of who you hang out with? If they knew who you are with and where you are and like you say you text them when you are out. Its a good thing that you do text them and let them know you are ok. They might stop worrying once they know you are safe and well. It might be they are smoothering you and being over protective but you need to tell them how you feel and open up to them. That burden you feel of them being worried about you is best to talk to them about it, it might help all of you in the long run. At least tell them how you feel. Might be an idea to give each other space for each of you to do your own thing. You are in college now, you need a certain level of independence no matter how little or big it is. Its a matter of being able to cope and survive on your own. If its down to financial reasons for you being at home thats cool, but if you can get a job in the summer its a good thing to finance youself in that way. Its worth leaving home if you can at all even just for the summer and see how you get on. You and your parents might see things differently and work together knowing where you all stand.

Best of luck OP

Elle Collins

I think some posters are missing the point here. The OP is a young adult and should not be being put in the position where s/he feels s/he has to lie for the sake of a bit of peace in the first place.

seamus

Elle Collins wrote: »

I think some posters are missing the point here. The OP is a young adult and should not be being put in the position where s/he feels s/he has to lie for the sake of a bit of peace in the first place.

Agreed.

So he (she?) should stop lying. Start telling your parents what you're doing when they ask. "I'm going out for a few drinks". They're your parents, they will worry, and I'm assuming that you're an only child or the eldest child, so you'll have it worst than most.

They ask questions not because they want to pry or they want to control you, but because in their eyes you're still that little ten year old with the innocent eyes, who needs to be protected and looked after.

You just need to assert yourself as an adult. Tell them exactly what you're doing/have done and don't be afraid to admit it.

They can express sentiments of disapproval and try to guilt trip you all they like, but they can't stop you from doing what you want to do. Once they see that you're a confident adult and assertive about yourself, they will start to worry less.

And moving out will help immensely. Just don't give into the mind games. Crying, "up all night worrying", "please come home early", they're all subconscious control mechanisms. Do what you want to do, not what anyone else wants you to do.

prinz

Elle Collins wrote: »

I think some posters are missing the point here. The OP is a young adult and should not be being put in the position where s/he feels s/he has to lie for the sake of a bit of peace in the first place.

That's rarely the case though. In most cases where I have heard of something like this it is an over-exaggeration and the 'young adult' in question is at least partially to blame for the situation as it exists. There's more than a hint of Kevin and Perry about the OP tbh.

The OP has just started college. Perhaps the parents just want to get involved, i.e. talk about who they are making friends with, who are you going to see. This can often be mis-construed as interference /overbearing/over protective, when in fat it could just be the parents learning themselves how to deal with the OP moving on to another stage in life. If the OP lies about who they are with, is it any wonder the parents then worry?

That the OP lies to his/her parents about their "closest friends" would lead me to believe that the OP is not presenting the relationship with the parents in a fair and even-handed mature manner.

highlydebased

I should clarify this. The lying has not been a regular feature (despite me saying often in my OP, sorry!) , and it was not the case at the weekend when I became particulary irate. I've always told them generally where I'm going to do what i.e "I'm going out to X tonight". Anytime I might have said "I'm going out with X tonight", who might have been an old school friend when I was really going out with Y from college has always only been because I have not wanted to prompt many many more unnecessary questions or a break in peace. Like someone else said I shouldnt have to be compelled to lie for that reason.

highlydebased

prinz wrote: »

That's rarely the case though. In most cases where I have heard of something like this it is an over-exaggeration and the 'young adult' in question is at least partially to blame for the situation as it exists. There's more than a hint of Kevin and Perry about the OP tbh.

The OP has just started college. Perhaps the parents just want to get involved, i.e. talk about who they are making friends with, who are you going to see. This can often be mis-construed as interference /overbearing/over protective, when in fat it could just be the parents learning themselves how to deal with the OP moving on to another stage in life. If the OP lies about who they are with, is it any wonder the parents then worry?

That the OP lies to his/her parents about their "closest friends" would lead me to believe that the OP is not presenting the relationship with the parents in a fair and even-handed mature manner.

Please see my above post.

I have not lied to them about my closest friends! Because they know who they are because they are the people who are around at the weekend.

I have also mentioned in another post that I have brought up college friends in normal conversation (here http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showpost.php?p=70124895&postcount=8)- i.e telling them about someone I went to visit over Christmas, or about someone whose house got flooded, or someone who said this to a lecturer what do you think of that etc.

astra2000

Elle Collins wrote: »

I think some posters are missing the point here. The OP is a young adult and should not be being put in the position where s/he feels s/he has to lie for the sake of a bit of peace in the first place.

I understand your point, but the thing is when the ops parents find out she has been lying it only strenghtens their beliefs that she is up to no good.
Op you sound mature and more than capable of avoiding trouble. What you have done up to now hasnt worked in reassuring your parents so you need to try a new approach. I would advise you to grin and bear the interrogations before you go allow time for them, answer all their questions in a calm and open manner. Try not to lie, I know you dont want them to know all your business (and they really should not need to) rather than lie leave out informing them of things you want to keep private but be straight up about everything else. I know doing this will be extremely irritating for you, but if over time earns their trust in you it will be worth it.
If ye cant resolve this then you should look into getting your own place next year, as much as its no fun for you been interrogated, it cant be any barrell of laughs for them worrying about you, however unfounded their worries are.
Also just a word of caution that even if you do move out and get your independance you will be getting a different set of problems ie money ones, sometimes the grass is greener:)
Best of luck