Advertisement
If you have a new account but are having problems posting or verifying your account, please email us on hello@boards.ie for help. Thanks :)
Hello all! Please ensure that you are posting a new thread or question in the appropriate forum. The Feedback forum is overwhelmed with questions that are having to be moved elsewhere. If you need help to verify your account contact hello@boards.ie
Reverie of the night! Feedback/Comments most welcome
Options
-
17-01-2011 4:01am#1Hello, I have never posted any of my writings on boards before. I have read some really interesting and creative works from other boards members and it is wonderful to see peoples creative contributions. It has given me a bit of encouragement to post a piece of flash fiction on here, which I hope you will enjoy reading. I would appreciate perhaps some feedback/thoughts on it. Many thanks for reading and keep up the good work people,
Cheers,
Merlie
Reverie of Night by Merlie
Premack dozed off on the chair. It was probably one of the worst places he could have slept but what they hell. It had been a long day and work was really bothering him. He had done a 12 hour shift followed by an 18 hour one the day before. So time seemed a bit higgledy in his body clock. He had a drink of wine and was just about to order some food or something when he felt his eyes getting really heavy. You know that kind of sleepy tired when you feel it in your eyes but not the rest of you?! Well that's how he felt as he slumped in his chair. The heat of the fire didn't help at all, it seemed to beckon the fatigue in him that tormented him most of the day.
He woke up suddenly when he heard a knock on his door. He rubbed his eyes, another knock came, and he lifted himself out of the chair, stretching as he walked to the door. When he got there, and opened it. He saw no one. He was puzzled as to who was calling at such a late hour or early hour.
He let out a loud, 'HELLO, anyone there?' No response came back.
He closed the door and was a step away when another knock came. Premack opened it again as fast as he could, still in somewhat of a groggy state as the sleep fog had not lifted. Again no one was there. He stepped out further and scowered around. From what he could make out in the darkness, all the neighbours cars were parked outside as usual but there was no lights on at his neighbours house. Matty, always had his porch light left on all through the night and would automatically switch off in the morning.
Premack turned to walk back inside when he saw a dark shadow looming from the corner of his house. It was the figure of a man but he had no idea who it was that was lingering outside his house. "Excuse me, can I help you?'
No response either. The dark shadow seemed to dissipate or seemed to have moved away, as Premack could no longer see it.
"Odd' and with that Premack stepped inside his house and shut the door. He stood there expecting a knock.
But nothing came. So he went over and prodded the coal embers with the poker. He stood up and proceeded to put the light on. The switches didn't seem to work. Maybe the goddamn electricity is out! Maybe that's the reason Matty's outdoor light is not working! Figuring that it might be the case. He took the half used candle off of the fireplace and struck a match....
He turned to place it in the ashtray when he realised the ashtray was not on the table where it was always placed. He held the candle aloft and he had a quick rummage around but didn't find it anywhere. Isn't it typical not to be able to find something when you need it?! He placed the candle instead in an empty tin can he found in the kitchen. It was all he could find to put it into. Come to think of it....The room was a bit different. Things did not seem to be in their respective places. How is this possible?
He was about to sit down when there was a rap at the window! He looked around and saw the outline of a man in the moonlight. He appeared just like a silhouette. He was not opening any more doors and shouted..."What do you want?!' ....
NO reply came just another rap at the window. ..He went over to see who it was, but when he got to the window...all he could see was a black shadow of a figure...an image of a man with no features or appearance.....just a form....
Premack stood back and closed the curtains.. a cold chill seemed to stream through his veins....the rap came again and increased in tempo...
He reached for the phone ...only the line was dead....0
Comments
-
Hello, I have never posted any of my writings on boards before. I have read some really interesting and creative works from other boards members and it is wonderful to see peoples creative contributions. It has given me a bit of encouragement to post a piece of flash fiction on here, which I hope you will enjoy reading. I would appreciate perhaps some feedback/thoughts on it. Many thanks for reading and keep up the good work people,
Cheers,
Merlie
Hi Merlie,
I think it's too obvious from the outset that this is all a dream so much of the menace that could be created with the unsettling small movements is gone. If it were less clear that he had fallen asleep it might work better as a thriller.
I felt the use of 'oral English' took away from the tone of the piece as well. Starting sentences with 'so' and using unclear language like 'some food or something' and the couple of attempts by the narrator to engage directly with the reader would be OK if you were telling this story to a group of listeners but in a piece of prose it doesn't come across well.
Hope that helps and hope to see you around the forum in more feedback threads.0 -
Thank you so much Pickarooney for your reply and feedback, much appreciated. I tried not to make it obvious that it was a dream but I suppose being tired and falling asleep on the chair at the beginning plus the title, gives it away! Yes, I know its not a perfect piece but what you said has helped. I had been thinking of continuing it and taking it to some different level, perhaps 'the dream wasn't a dream after all', or something else.
Thank you again for your reply,
Cheers
Merlie 0 -
-
Advertisement