Don't know how to express my feelings or act ever

LegacyUser

I don't know how to open myself up. I can't may be a better way of putting it.

I'm almost 23. I've had 1 (failed) relationship in my life and partly why it failed was because of me.

I don't know how to act with girls. The only time I can ever "pull" is when I'm wasted drunk and the girl makes the first move, or makes it abundantly clear that she wants me to move first.

With my ex, I fell into a relationship with her when I wasn't looking for one. It's how a lot of people get started I hear. Anyways even with her, I couldn't tell her how I feel.

We would be out together at a party or in her place/my place and, even though we would be alone and it was clear that she was into me, that she wanted me to make a move, I rarely did so. I was utterly terrified of rejection and I was/am quite shy. I rarely told her how beautiful she was, how much I liked her etc... I don't know why but it never occurred to me to do so. Now I regret it a lot. There were times when I just wanted to grab her and kiss her or just hold her and I stopped myself, despite an overwhelming urge to do so...I just didn't do it. I kick myself everyday over it and if I could go back in time I would change everything. I didn't do enough, in fact I didn't do anything until it was too late. She was fed up.

I hesitated, second guessed myself, let myself act stupid and I never tried 'escalating' anything really. I screwed up...I was in love with this girl and I let my own insecurities/problems destroy our relationship. Now there's no way of getting her back - she's moved on while I just sit and mope about what could have been. I'll never forget her for as long as I live I feel. She was perfect in every way.

And even when I'm not thinking of her, when I'm trying to mover on and meet new people, I feel the same problems hindering me from truly connecting with someone. I get awkward, I stumble over my words, my brain literally goes dead. I feel that I can't meet anyone for the life of me.

I look at people around me in clubs, pubs, college etc... and they have girlfriends or girls hanging out of them all the time and I can only wonder how they do it. What makes them so special? I'm a good looking guy, I'm smart, funny, easy to get on with. I'm not full of myself like so many people I know and yet I can never seem to hold the attention of anyone I like for very long. Or if I do, as mentioned above, I royally screw up in every department possible.

Peanut2011

The only thing separating you from them is your self confidence.

It sounds to me that your self-confidence is not high for what ever reason. Unfortunately until you learn to let go and be able to approach things in "nothing to lose" kinda way, it will be hard to change.

After all, if you do approach the girl and she tells you NO, what did you lose? Nothing!

If you look at it differently, look at the sales guy! Especially door to door sales. Imagine on how many doors they knock on before someone buys something!

Unfortunately this is no different! The more opportunity you create the more chance you have for a positive answer.

Wompa1

The 'dating' scene or lack of it in Ireland is pretty intimidating for a guy. At your age the only place that is really the place to meet girls is a night club. Approaching girls in other ways at that age in this country always seemed taboo when I was there. A nightclub is an awful place to hook up, I never really felt comfortable with it myself and there was many times it went no further than kissing with girls because my conscience kicked in and said this is wrong, this girl is drunk, I'm taking advantage. Of course looking back I now realise if anything she was trying to use me but of well.

Have you tried the internet...again this was taboo when I was your age but I have friends who have met girls online and it seems to becomming the new way to meet people and is no longer looked down on.

It could be a great way for you. I'm sure you could meet someone and chat with them over a few weeks before meeting. That way you would be more familiar ahead of time and she will have got to see your personality. Maybe even flirt so she knows about your intentions, make it more obvious beforehand..if the ground work is done you might feel more comfortable in yourself.

Good Luck!

LegacyUser

OP here,

Thanks for the advice. I agree that I don't have great self confidence. I don't know how to start improving it though. I seem to go through periods of high and low self confidence that switch almost daily. One day I'll be on top of the world, the next I'll hate myself again. I don't know why it's affecting me so much. In theory I shouldn't have this problem - my ex was an incredible person as well as being stupidly good looking and she liked me for who I am so I shouldn't have any problems attracting someone else yet I seem to have regressed since I met her and I feel even more clueless than before.

Regarding internet dating....I've dabbled. I've never gotten anywhere. I hate putting pictures up on my page, it's a phobia I have. I have this fear of being recognised or laughed at really. I dunno, I probably wouldn't even send a girl a photo at all.

As an experiment, I briefly set up a fake girl's dating account to see the types of messages she got/the amount - I think within 1 hour 'she' had over 500 messages from guys...I mean how is anyone supposed to compete with that? If that was my real profile, I would have just clicked delete on the vast majority of them without even reading them.

I agree with nightclubs being the "only" place to meet - to an extent. I know people who have met up in societies and stuff but the majority is done in a nightclub. I don't know what to do in a nightclub though - I see girls but it's impossible to talk to them because they're in a group together or the music is so stupidly loud it's futile to try having a conversation.

thefeatheredcat

I feel for you OP, I've been on the opposite side of a rather mirrored situation to yours where I thought lack of expression may have been an issue, as I knew this person had similar insecurities and issues as you described.

I would ask, not to encourage contact, but are you certain that she's now with someone else, for fact?

What you can do now, rather than analysing the what ifs and buts and immersing yourself into a time machine, is to learn from this and set about working on developing this area in your life (your confidence and security) so that when such positive fortune comes your way, you'll have the confidence and security to say how you feel.

Expressing feelings is a scary thing, yes, there's a risk, but if you're following instincts and have courage to do so and can put aside consequences of possible rejection and emotional issues to formulate an effective communication to express yourself, which need not be just in words, you'll have something to celebrate.

Rejection is scary too, but you have to over come allowing the possibility of rejection and negative associated feelings and emotions to paralyse you, and the only way to do that is to put yourself in that situation. Throw caution to the wind and forget about the risk of rejection and anything associated to it. Get comfortable with being able to express yourself and it will get easier.

I found myself that the more situations I put myself in where I had to express and communicate and emotion, an idea, feelings, opinions, etc the easier it got to express myself and open myself up. To the point in some cases, it can be hard for me to shut up but I no longer have a fear about expressing myself or feel the expression/communication would be rejected as more often than not, it's been validated, and even if it hasn't been outrightly accepted, it has been understood. Don't let fear hold you back. Be courageous and brave and I know that if you can come on here and make this OP, then you have the courage you're looking for already.

Express yourself, communicate any way, any how.

LegacyUser

Op again,

I'm not 100% certain she's with someone...I'd be 90% sure she is though and even if she isn't, she gets asked out so often that it's only a matter of time. I don't blame her for finding someone else, in fact I want her to find someone new. There's no going back for us though, it wasn't that it ended badly (I did mention early it was partly my fault which is perhaps an exaggeration) but that we were in an imposssible situation. There is no way we could have remained together in a relationship. We still do keep in touch and she is very important to me but she's in my life as a friend now and she won't ever be anything more again, I have to accept that.

I was thinking earlier about what you said and I agree - the only way I got her in the first place was by not caring about rejection, if she said no when I asked her out it didn't bother me at all and I was ecstatic when she said yes. I can't seem to do that again though. I see girls in college or in clubs/pubs etc.. that I would love to ask out or chat to and I can't seem to find the courage to do it at all. I literally have no idea what to do - what to say, how to act and when I am "in there" on those rare occasions, how do I go from talking/dancing to kissing her?

I don't want to be one of those guys who gob smacks girls when they're least expecting it... Is it being too forward asking her if this is "going anywhere" or not? I don't mean to be sleazy or anything but I think that asking a girl on a date in a club is a no. In Ireland, at my age anyways, you seem to have "score" first before getting a number and going on a date.

thefeatheredcat

OP,

Just want to say, while perhaps you can't go back in time, you can rebuild bridges. Don't take it for granted that they are indeed now with someone else; your ex may have admirers, just don't be so quick to assume a false assumption that's she's unavailable - speaking from my own situation it was jealous male friends who were happy to give that impression, but it was mere jealousy for my happiness and not general interest in me i.e. they couldn't have me, as I had no interest, yet neither wanted to let me have happiness by their own acts of malicious behaviour and didn't want someone else to to be with me, even the guy I liked.

I can't particularly advice on how to go from dancing to kissing, I've found it just naturally happens myself and instinct proves a useful tool. But I would say to work on your confidence and in expressing yourself first, to heal that aspect. Happiness and confidence are key. Think if you will, a dog who is unhappy and walks into a hall of mirrors, sees himself and growls and barks negatively, sees mirror images of dogs doing the same and cannot get out. Think then, another dog, but happy walks into a hall of mirrors and wags his tail, happy to see other dogs wagging their tail and gets out.

Maybe not helpful to your situation, sorry, but more food for thought?

teaspach

Hi Op,

I know exactly how you feel, and there isn't a man out there who hasn't been in your position at one point or another. Rejection is something you just have to embrace. I would suggest that you actively seek it out for a while, until you don't have any emotional attachment to it. It does feel bad initially, but not that bad, and after a while you just don't care. Everyone has the same thoughts and fears that you have. Just let it all hang out. We get a very short life, on this earth. It's literally a blink of an eye. With that in mind, just let yourself go. When you are in your 70s, you don't want to be filled with regret that you let someone slip away. Better to think that you gave it your best shot. You can't be afraid of who you are. And also, and most importantly, you are very, very young. Most people aren't fully comfortable with themselves until their 30s, and some people never manage it.

You are 23, so you are going to meet lots of new women all the time. If you find it difficult, just do something you love, and if you meet someone doing it, then at least you will have one thing in common.

Ignore the men who seem to have women hanging off them. They have been rejected a hundred times. They just don't care any more, that's what makes them attractive. Say the thing you fear the most, and just see what happens. The sky won't fall in. I guarantee it. If you really are crazy about this girl, then just tell her.. Tell her you think she is beautiful, and that you are mad about her. It may be too late, but at least she will know how you feel.

Good luck!

beks101

emotionallystunted wrote: »

What makes them so special?

Confidence, basically. That's it. You'd be surprised how an air of self-assurance can turn an average-looking guy into the most attractive man in the world.

There's two issues here from what I can see.

1. You're not over your ex
2. You've got very low self-esteem.

Both these things are your barriers to opening up around girls you fancy.

It's easy to say 'you're young, if you see a girl you like just go for it like you've nothing to lose' when the reality is if it was that easy, you wouldn't be posting here.

So why don't you start small? Instead of heading out for the night with the intention of pulling, tell yourself on any given night that you're going to talk to as many women as possible, regardless of whether or not you find them attractive. I think you need to challenge yourself on this so you can grow to see that there's nothing scary or different about talking to a woman than talking to a male friend, we're just as compelled by humour, banter and intelligent conversation as the next person. Don't overthink how you're going to get to the next level if you find the woman attractive - if the chemistry is right, you'll get the social cues you need to know what to do. Don't be pressuring yourself to jump down her throat or get a number five minutes into the conversation - body language like strong eye contact, smiling, occasional touches etc will convey exactly how you both feel about each other once you work on getting your confidence back up again.

In terms of the ex, well, that's going to take time. You can't really force her out of your head until you're ready for her to leave your thoughts, and I suspect that's not going to happen until you start meeting more women and letting them replace her in her head. Don't put her on a pedastal, it's completely self-defeating. She wasn't perfect, you broke up for a reason and she had a part to play in that just as you did.

I mean this in the least patronising way possible (I'm not that much older than you ) but you're young and have years and years ahead of you to navigate the minefield that is the world of dating...don't worry yourself stupid about it, we all have to deal with all its little head-wrecks! If you take a different approach, lighten up a little about it, stop putting pressure on yourself and decide instead to view your interactions and flirtations as social experiments and a bit of fun rather than anxiety-provoking 'tests' that you are inevitably going to fail, then your body language alone will make you more attractive to women.

And smile! Nothing more attractive than a friendly face!

Best of luck OP

LegacyUser

Op here again, thanks for all the advice... I tried to take it all on board but it's a lot to change at once...

Just a quick update...

First of all, regarding my ex - that ended because I was moving country and there was no way around it...I agree that I'm not over her to an extent. I don't think I'll ever be fully over her - she was/is my first love and all that. Maybe in a few years we will be in the same country and something might happen then but I'm not holding out any major hope of that happening. I'm doing my best to move on from her, it's difficult since we still speak every couple of weeks, I think I may have to talk to her and tell her it's difficult for me. Is that a good idea or not? I know some people think that I shouldn't be talking to her at all but we both knew this was coming and we both said we'd do our best to stay in touch. We were best friends on top of everything else and I don't want to throw it all away. It just kills me that I always feel it's easy for her to keep in touch and I'm shouldering all the pain and suffering.

I was out this weekend at a house party and I met two girls in particular. One girl I thought was absolutely gorgeous and I thought about the advice on here - nothing ventured, nothing gained sort of thing - and I started chatting with her. We got on great or so I thought - we were talking to each other for hours and had a lot in common - and I decided "feck it, I might as well go for it" and I told her I liked her. She responded by saying she was sorry she "didn't mean to give me that impression" and she "never knows when to stop in these situations". Surprisingly I think her rejection was more "awkward" for her than for me - I was completely unfazed by the whole thing. So I suppose that much is good then? What makes me wonder is, was I being too forward in telling her I like her or not? As stated before I'm no good at this stuff...

The second girl, I didn't find her particularly attractive and we barely spoke to each other throughout the night but she was really into me for some reason. I somehow ended up hooking up with her - we didn't have sex but we fooled around a bit.

My question is how does this happen all the time? Girls I am attracted to I seem to act differently around them. The girl I found to be gorgeous rejected me and the girl I wasn't hugely attracted to "threw" herself on me for want of a better word (Apologies if I sound like an ass but that's basically what happened). It's not as if I chat up girls expecting to have sex with them - thats not the case at all - but I can't seem to "win" with girls I like (with the exception of my ex and even then I don't know how I "won" her)

For tl;dr peeps - met 2 girls, 1 I liked and she didn't reciprocate the feeling; the other liked me way more than I liked her. How does this always happen?

LegacyUser

ophljasfjas wrote: »

For tl;dr peeps - met 2 girls, 1 I liked and she didn't reciprocate the feeling; the other liked me way more than I liked her. How does this always happen?

This is like the story of my life.

Eventually things will click for you. Just because you're struggling with the mutual feeling thing now doesn't mean that will last forever. Things will fall into place for you.