too old to learn

LegacyUser

I'm a male who just turned 31 and I'm just frustrated and exasperated at the lack of female attention/ interaction in my life so far. It just pervades my thoughts more and more and the older I get, the less I think I can do about it. I have enough resolve to deal with the loneliness itself but I just get frustrated that whatever it is about me, everything I do, I have to do alone. Kind of a whingey 'why me' thing!

Tbh, I've never had a girfriend. I've had virtually no female contact for my whole life. If I'm telling the truth I'm actually a virgin too as if I hadn't enough to worry about.

Maybe you think that I might be hideous. I'm not. Maybe you think that I have some kind of bad self esteem problems, social anxieties or bad beahiours. I haven't. Maybe you think that there is some other hidden factor that I'm playing down. There really isn't. Maybe I'm a little reserved but my friends would say I'm very sociable and some would say they're baffled that I haven't been snapped up. Throughout my twenties, I had to put up with older generations refering to me as "lovely" and wishing there daughters would 'find a nice boy like you' etc. The appreciation ended there unfortunately. I have a cousin (girl) who is convinced that I'm a closet Lothario and that I'm single because I'm some kind of dark horse that doesn't want to settle down. It's nice to be appreciated but I shouldn't tell her that nothing could be further from the truth.

Aside from having less than average opportunities to meet women, in plain English I would say that girls are just not into me. I suspect it might be an identity thing. I'm kinda big and burley but in reality, I'm on the quiet and sensitive side. I've often wondered if my physical size puts people on the back-foot. I'm a very friendly person but I do think that strangers can be intimidated by my size but I don't know. Maybe I just don't work as a package? Maybe I could pull off the boozey rugby player thing but it just isn't me. Maybe I could even practise the Mr Suave, Don Juan routine to try and pull birds in clubs but that isn't me and doesn't appeal to me on any level. It sounds a bit lame but I just want to find a soul mate. My brother says my standards are too high. I tell him that standards don't come into it when you simply can't meet anyone. I'm not a coward. It just seems that whenever I meet someone I like, they're inevitably seeing someone else. It's kinda comical. I tried online dating which was horrendous. It was a case of mass rejection which just made me feel like an outsider to the human race.

I should have gone to college too maybe. If I had gone after school I think I would have given myself a greater chance of meeting similar girls. I'm fairly brainy I suppose but I kinda drifted after school and ended up in construction which isn't conducive to meeting the fairer sex normally but what's done is done I suppose. I'm not quite the life and soul of the party which is also a hindrance. God could have been better to me I suppose too but realsitically, I have below average looks which does make things harder I'm sure. Body hair and the tendency towards a pot belly doesn't quite make me think I'm a sex god. My sheer lack of experience is the greatest problem. Friends have remarked that I have a more continental personality. I'm very easy going and like nothing more than sitting back and enjoying chat and good company. Unfortunately I seem to live in a country where being a 'mad laff' appear to be the accepted currency. I will admit that I'm uncomfortable approaching strangers in bars. It would make my skin crawl to be viewed by women as one of those creepy guys who pester women in pubs. It's a personal standards thing really.

I don't know what I'm writing this for, tbh. If anyone has another spin on things or another perspective I'd love to hear it. I'm just starting to worry now and I can't help but think I'm well and truly on the path to spending my whole life alone. I've arrived at the stage where I dread having time to myself because I just begin to dwell on my situation. I can't explain why I've been this alone for this long without drawing dark conclusions. The lack of female interaction for a guy of my age just seems to be abnormal and un-natural. I've found myself asking 'what's wrong with me'.

Anyway, thanks for reading...

LegacyUser

Sounds like it is an identity thing, you haven't grown up and accepted the person or 'man' you've become, you're still trying to find yourself and be comfortable in your own skin. There's a disconnect between the physical you and the personality and of course the you inside, if you can't accept yourself then you can't be comfortable with others. The first step is to accept yourself and learn a little more of who you are, and there's no better way than to challenge yourself a little. Try joining a club or organisation that's outside your comfort zone and see how you get on. A club or organisation that also attracts women, such as a hill walking club or salsa dancing. This will enable you to converse with women outside of the pub environment, you'll be amazed how comfortable it becomes because you won't be trying to pick them up and they'll see the 'real you', who actually sounds like a really nice guy!

AnonoBoy

Have you given any thought to trying internet dating?

Beller81

Please listen to me. You are definately not to old to meet your soul mate! I know so many people who have had one disastrous relationship after another before they met the actual love of their life. Yes it took them years to meet the right person but it was all worth it in the end.
You may disagree with me but I think you are not lucky that you are inexperienced in love. Do you even realise how much hurt and pain you have been spared? You have never had to go through the emotional turmoil of a horrific break up.
I see a lot of people staying in unhappy relationships because they are terrified of being single. A male friend of mine told me straight out that he would be terrified to be back out on the dating scene again. At least you have integrity. You are not going out with a girl just to have somebody by your side.
When you meet the perfect girl you will start on a clean slate with her. You will not bring any baggage with you into the relationship. That's a big positive.
Hope this helps and hope you meet someone great soon.

Distorted

I'd look for someone you can have a good conversation with. If you can write a good post like you have above, you can undoubtedly make good conversation. Forget about chat up lines and just act normal. Ask the girl plenty of questions about herself and appear interested but not pushy.

Are you meeting that many new girls in your social circle? If not, try to broaden it. Internet dating will give you practice of going on dates, but you still need to strike up a conversation online generally. Or join a sports club, or go on a sports holiday or special interest holiday. Study in the evenings for a qualification - loads of things you can do. But you do need to make an effort. It won't just happen if you don't make it.

Don't worry about rejection. Even supermodels get rejected. Learn from it and move on. Being a gentleman and able to make conversation will get you far.

I actually know a few guys perhaps a bit like you. If you ask me, as a female, the thing they have in common is that they don't make that much effort, except with the very occasional female, and then don't make enough effort to keep her when things have to be worked at. I could of course be wrong.

LegacyUser

Hey mate

I am in the same situation as you are except im a bit further down the road! I read every word you wrote and I understand exactly how you feel. Unfortunately I have no solutions to offer except to say that if you should find a way around your problems, grab it with both hands 'cause im gonna tell you what hapens if you let it continue.

I am late 30s, male and unemployed for several yrs. I have also never been in a relationship and at this stage have no interest anymore because of the sheer overwhelming feeling of exclusion from the world of love. For anyone who has been in a relationship before, imagine the emptiness that a grown adult feels having lived half their life not knowing what intimate love is. To be denied that which is almost as necessary as air in order to survive and be healthy. I for one cannot describe it. It is just something one can feel. A distinctive sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach and an intense anger welling up through our body.

Thats only occasionally, the rest of the time you only feel the effects of being 'outside of the experience of relationships'. Things like not knowing anything about what sex is like or the company of the opposite sex even, and being alone on special occasions (birthdays,graduations,weddings etc), right down to not being able to support (talk about your own experiences) a friend after a breakup.

I've lost count of the number of friends I listened to over the yrs crying over breakups and I've never even been in love with a girl (to even know what the hell im talking about). As for sex, well the only sex i've had was that which I had to pay for! and I only did that at the age of 30 'cause I couldn't stand not knowing what it was like and i've never done that since 'cause it's cold and worthless.

Oh I've had opportunities when I was a younger man alright but I was too stupid and naive to know how to take advantage of them and now its too god dammed late!. There's no more opportunities anymore and even if there were now I'd bugger up a relationship due to my inexperience and I'm much too fragile and thin-skinned now to withstand any painfull emotional breakups. That's one of the reasons I have lost interest - fear of being hurt at this stage in life. Another reason is that I find it painful to even have hope of meeting someone now.

This is a hard one to explain, I just feel like a weight is lifted when I don't care anymore about it. And sure i've had people say (even women) why haven't you been snapped up etc. and to be honest I don't know what to say in response to them - I really don't and it's so annoying. I usually end up either running myself down or comming off as a misogynist.

OP you mentioned not having gone to college, well I can tell you now it would have made no difference 'cause once you're too shy and unsure of yourself when it comes to women, it dosen't matter what the environment is, you won't see the signals and cues you need to follow. Those same cues that guys naturally follow under normal situations. Of course there was no such thing as boards.ie PI forums or even the net when I was having problems so I couldn't get the often helpful advice you get in threads like these, when I needed it. If I could have I would be giving much better help.

So I don't really have much more to say except that I hope sharing my story has helped in some way.

I hope you find a way through OP..............don't end up a shell of a man like me.

LegacyUser

Thanks all. I do appreciate the encouragement and the comradery.

dead man walking wrote: »

For anyone who has been in a relationship before, imagine the emptiness that a grown adult feels having lived half their life not knowing what intimate love is. To be denied that which is almost as necessary as air in order to survive and be healthy...

This struck a particular chord with me. It is the feeling of being an outsider. It is the embarassment of knowing that you may be the only one your age that you know who maybe has less experience than the average adolescent these days.

dead man walking wrote: »

Hey mate

I am in the same situation as you are except im a bit further down the road! I read every word you wrote and I understand exactly how you feel. Unfortunately I have no solutions to offer except to say that if you should find a way around your problems, grab it with both hands 'cause im gonna tell you what hapens if you let it continue.

I am late 30s, male and unemployed for several yrs. I have also never been in a relationship and at this stage have no interest anymore because of the sheer overwhelming feeling of exclusion from the world of love.

Thats only occasionally, the rest of the time you only feel the effects of being 'outside of the experience of relationships'. Things like not knowing anything about what sex is like or the company of the opposite sex even, and being alone on special occasions (birthdays,graduations,weddings etc), right down to not being able to support (talk about your own experiences) a friend after a breakup.

I've lost count of the number of friends I listened to over the yrs crying over breakups and I've never even been in love with a girl (to even know what the hell im talking about). As for sex, well the only sex i've had was that which I had to pay for! and I only did that at the age of 30 'cause I couldn't stand not knowing what it was like and i've never done that since 'cause it's cold and worthless.

Oh I've had opportunities when I was a younger man alright but I was too stupid and naive to know how to take advantage of them and now its too god dammed late!. There's no more opportunities anymore and even if there were now I'd bugger up a relationship due to my inexperience and I'm much too fragile and thin-skinned now to withstand any painfull emotional breakups. That's one of the reasons I have lost interest - fear of being hurt at this stage in life. Another reason is that I find it painful to even have hope of meeting someone now.

This is a hard one to explain, I just feel like a weight is lifted when I don't care anymore about it. And sure i've had people say (even women) why haven't you been snapped up etc. and to be honest I don't know what to say in response to them - I really don't and it's so annoying. I usually end up either running myself down or comming off as a misogynist.

OP you mentioned not having gone to college, well I can tell you now it would have made no difference 'cause once you're too shy and unsure of yourself when it comes to women, it dosen't matter what the environment is, you won't see the signals and cues you need to follow. Those same cues that guys naturally follow under normal situations. Of course there was no such thing as boards.ie PI forums or even the net when I was having problems so I couldn't get the often helpful advice you get in threads like these, when I needed it. If I could have I would be giving much better help.

So I don't really have much more to say except that I hope sharing my story has helped in some way.

I hope you find a way through OP..............don't end up a shell of a man like me.

I'm sorry you feel this way too. Thanks for sharing your experience. It did help. Nil carborundum, mate.

snorlax

your only 31, your only finding your feet.

I suggest stop worrying about meeting someone and start doing things you enjoy and someone will find you!

LegacyUser

sounds like me a couple of years ago lads. seriously anti-social, never been near a woman at age 27, couldn't (still can't probably) talk to them or "chat" them up. i eventually decided to do something about it, read a thread here on boards about internet dating and signed up. Met a cool girl a few days after i signed up, fell in love and we've been living together for the past couple of years.

It really is never too late, for EITHER of you. I know you've mentioned trying internet dating and finding it a waste of time but it worked for me and it has worked for a lot of my friends. If you're going to do something like this, put some serious effort into it, read the threads in the gentlemans club and ladies lounge on internet dating, learn how it works, then stick with it, ignore the gob****es, look for people who actually seem sound and have an interesting profile.

If thats not your thing, thats cool, but don't shut yourself away waiting for good things to happen to you. Go out and make them happen.

CorkMan

Hi lads, 24 year old male here.

I have never kissed a female, bar the 1st time when I was 11. I have slept with a prostitute when I was 19 and that was all. No relationships.

The thing is I was a bit overweight when young, and was called "fatso", "mr blobby", "fatty" day in day out at school. I had a speech impediment so had no confidence to talk back. This knocked my self-esteem a lot. When I was 15 I weight 18.5 stone, thinking I was so fat, but looking back at this from my point of view now I probably wasn't.

I have been using affirmations to increase my confidence since Oct 09. I can feel my confidence increasing all the time, when I was in NY May last year I talked to a couple of girls on my hotel floor. I asked them were can I buy drink in Manhattan, they spoke Spanish and little English and I spoke little Spanish so nothing happened. But I still had the confidence to talk to a couple, need I say the word, EASILY!!! My belief system is steadily changing.

Body image and self-esteem are incredibly linked. Your body-image is the mental image you have of your body. Your beliefs such as "I am competent", "I am worthy", "I am something" etc impact your body image. Mine was distorted a lot when I had low self esteem, but now that my self-esteem is getting higher it is getting correct. I am 19.5-20 stone ATM, I am not fat but a small bit overweight, I have the shoulders of a Lennox Lewis or Mike Tyson.



You need to get your new beliefs to get into your unconscious, which makes up a big part of you. In your unconscious is where a person holds a negative opinion of themsevles, most of the time you are not even aware of it. You try to get somewhere, but your unconscious holds you back. You need to replace those old beliefs and input new proper ones.

um7y1h83ge06nx

I can really identify with these posts, it sounds like me back when I was 20/21.

Firstly I would say that a lot of the nice, well meaning comments you get from people don't really help things. Stuff like "things will work out", "if you're a nice guy you'll meet someone".

That's the truth in my opinion. If you want a job in this life, you need to put the work in, looking at job sites, writing a CV, going for interviews etc. It's the same with women. Women very rarely fall at a guy's feet, the guy has to make the effort to meet women.

The very first thing is to sort out your image of yourself and your inner confidence, how you view yourself. That was my biggest achievement when I managed it. Unfortunately I can put up links to some what I think are genuinely good resources as it's against the charter. Do a bit of googling on inner confidence and self image and it should help you though.

Once I felt good about myself I just had to force myself to approach girls. At the start you just have to "fake" confidence I think. Don't put yourself under pressure to meet the right one straight away, just meet girls and enjoy yourself.

There is always time to change thankfully.

petethebrick

snorlax wrote: »

your only 31, your only finding your feet.

I suggest stop worrying about meeting someone and start doing things you enjoy and someone will find you![/QUOTE]

I disagree, throughout the OPs post he more or less states that he has made zero effort to meet and date women. Sitting back and waiting for someone to find him has obviously not worked for him over the years. Taking up tennis or hillwalking isnt going to magically result in him having women lined up for dates.

My advice OP - get off your arse and take a more proactive approach. Stop moaning that you don't feel right approaching women in bars etc You have numerous options: Bars and social occasions are one, internet dating, live speed dating, joing clubs etc (but actually making an effort to meet women once you join these clubs). Don't be afraid to ask your friends for advice.

You'll be rejected some of the time, get over it, it happens to everyone. Stop fantasizing about meeting your soul mate. If you don't start getting some experience in dating, sex, relationships etc then it will be more difficult for you to form a relationship with your soul mate if she exists and you do find her.

I stress - don't worry about 1) rejection 2) what women think of you (if you approach them decently they'll be flattered regardless) 3) your age (just a number). Most importantly have fun, it will get easier as you go on and your confidence grows. Good luck man!

CorkMan

It's annoying what happens around your early 20's isn't it. It's like it is taking over you.