drink

LegacyUser

had a fight with my partner last night...i was out and drunk. he drinks everyother day i drink maybe once or twice a week. he has now decided that i have a problem and the i have to totally give up drink or else we're breaking up. I told him ill cut back, wont drink as much when im out but he says no i have to totally give up drink and if i dont im picking alcolhol over him. maybe i am but im willing to compromise and he's not i dont know what to do.

ElleEm

Is alcohol a problematic thing in your relationship?
Does it cause fights a lot? If he drinks every other day does it affect his life (work etc.)?
If you just so happened to have a fight while drunk, it seems like an overreaction on his part, but if drink makes you more argumentative or snappy, you may need to reassess it.
You don't give much detail in your post about how drinking effects you as a couple.
If he's giving you an ultimatum, he may see it as an issue. The impression you're giving is that drink really is not an issue, which may show a bit of control on his part.

Squiggler

Is your partner also giving up drink, or just expecting you to do so? If it is both of you giving up together it might be worth trying, especially if alcohol is causing difficulties in your relationship.

LegacyUser

op here no just me to give up the drink. there are problems in our relationship which he refuses to discuss. i cant force him to discuss then but when i get drunk i can get upset because i want to fix these problems and all the problems come to the fore front and we end up fight. i dont believe its the drink that is the problem i think its the problems themselves are building up and sometime i just burst out with anger because of them. I am going to cut back on my drinking. not drink as much when i go out. i have made that decision myself but i still think we need to sit down and have a very long talk. communication is an important part of a relationship which he doesnt want to do.

LegacyUser

Hi OP here. no my partner does not feel he needs to give up drink just me. I personally feel i dont have a problem with drink. There are problems with our relationship which he refuses to talk about because he just doesnt deal with problems that way. so sometimes when i get drunk these problems all come out resulting in a arguement. I am probably gonna cut back on my drinking but thats because i want to start saving but thats my choice and I made it a few weeks ago saturday night was my first night out since new years whereas he has been out 4 or 5 times.

Squiggler

drink... wrote: »

there are problems in our relationship which he refuses to discuss. i cant force him to discuss then but when i get drunk i can get upset because i want to fix these problems and all the problems come to the fore front and we end up fight. i dont believe its the drink that is the problem i think its the problems themselves are building up and sometime i just burst out with anger because of them.

You poor thing! It sounds like your relationship has much bigger problems than drink. Communication is really important in relationships and, while there has to be give and take, it shouldn't be one person doing all the taking while the other does all the giving.

But drink fuelled arguments won't solve anything, I'm sure you already knew that.

I don't know how long you've been together, or how committed and entangled that relationship is, but, in my experience, unresolved problems only get worse over time, not better. At the moment your frustration only comes out when you've been drinking, but giving up drinking will not rid you of the anger and frustration.

Unfortunately the only person we can change is ourself, and if changing yourself won't resolve the issues you need to ask yourself if there is something else that you can do, or whether you should continue the relationship.

LegacyUser

We are together for over 6 years. I want to sit down and discuss all our problems but he just refuses to its very frustrating. I want our relationship to work and I realise that communication is important and that drink fueled arguements are in no way benifical to either of us but I cant keep everything inside my head it drives me crazy! I just really dont know what to do. he says i have a drink problem and i really dont think i do. Its all these other problems that i cant handle.

Tar.Aldarion

Sometimes it's hard to get people to talk about such things, if there are problems you should try to discuss them, im just not sure how you can get him to talk to you. He doesnt sound like a counsellor sorta guy. Dunno, have you tried explaining its not the drink and that the relationship might end if you stop or not if he wont talk to you

Wompa1

A drink problem isn't just how often you drink. It's how the drink affects you. I made the decision last year that I wouldn't drink until October. So far sobriety has been a disaster. My friends won't accept that I don't want to drink and don't feel the need to.

Though I might try and do what you have said yourself and cut down. I talked this over recently and when I usually go out drinking since I don't really enjoy the taste or being drunk itself I get bored and tend to drink too much. Which then makes me a smart arse and extra bitter. I am staying away from it until February and then I might try the 3 pints a night.

Pebbles68

So your boyfriend won't discuss relationship issues with you and now expects you to give up drink. That's a bit one sided. Does he honestly believe that just because you stop drinking the problems in the relationship won't exist any more? In my experience the "either or" untimatum makes for an impossible relationship. He's not looking to fix the real problem but instead sweep it under the carpet. If you are not drinking you'll sit and be a quiet little girl who doesn't nag. :mad:

Sorry to be negative about your relationship but I just feel too many men try and manipulate their partners in this way. It strikes me that you don't need fixing it's the relationship that does. Is he prepared to try that before placing all the responsibility with you?
Good luck

Wompa1

Pebbles68 wrote: »

Sorry to be negative about your relationship but I just feel too many men try and manipulate their partners in this way.

I also feel to many women try to manipulate their partners...Thus the term whipped

Pebbles68

Wompa1 wrote: »

I also feel to many women try to manipulate their partners...Thus the term whipped

I'm not sure I understand the point you're making or the relevance to the OP.
The boyfriend won't try and reslove the relationship issues, the OP gets emotional after a few drinks and her frustrations spill over. Yes, drink is having an effect on her but it's not the cause of the problem. She is being made bottle up her feelings by a partner who won't talk about relationship issues. Trying to make her believe she has a drink problem is trying to manipulate her and trying to control her. I'm not saying drink is not a problem but if all was rosy with the relationship would she have anger to release.

I know we only have the OP's side of the story but she is after all the one who is on here sharing her emotions. I'm only giving my opinion based on the facts she has shared.

Wompa1

Pebbles68 wrote: »

I'm not sure I understand the point you're making or the relevance to the OP.
The boyfriend won't try and reslove the relationship issues, the OP gets emotional after a few drinks and her frustrations spill over. Yes, drink is having an effect on her but it's not the cause of the problem. She is being made bottle up her feelings by a partner who won't talk about relationship issues. Trying to make her believe she has a drink problem is trying to manipulate her and trying to control her. I'm not saying drink is not a problem but if all was rosy with the relationship would she have anger to release.

I know we only have the OP's side of the story but she is after all the one who is on here sharing her emotions. I'm only giving my opinion based on the facts she has shared.

I don't know if it's the point your trying to make but if it is I would agree that MEN are less inclined to talk things out and share their feelings.

My comment was in response to yours. You made a sweeping generalization about men manipulating their partners. I don't think that's very fair and it should have a qualifier like some rather than too many. It makes it sound like it's an issue that's wide spread and is something only men do when it's something done by both sexes

Pebbles68

Wompa1 wrote: »

I don't think that's very fair and it should have a qualifier like some rather than too many.

I take your point, I should have been more careful. But would you suspect in this case, from what we know, that's what appears to be happening?

LegacyUser

I know im not perfect and i have made alot of mistakes too and that he has reasons to be mad at me in the past for the things ive done but i have reason to be mad at him too. im not saying im perfect and he's causing the problems im saying that there are problems in our relationship as a result of both our actions. and i cant see how to fix these problems if he wont talk and as for me being sober and saying nothing about the problems that only last for a while til i get upset again and i really want to work on the issues here but i cant fix this by myself.

Wompa1

Pebbles68 wrote: »

I take your point, I should have been more careful. But would you suspect in this case, from what we know, that's what appears to be happening?

She'd know her own situation better than us. It is possible she has a drink problem which should be addressed...most likely since she is doing something about it.

The not talking thing is easily solved. You force him, don't take no for an answer. If it's too difficult and too much for you give your own ultimatum. Communication is the most important basic of a relationship. If you can't have good communication, you can't have a good relationship and maybe it's worth looking elsewhere, find someone that doesn't take you for granted

Zen65

drink.... wrote: »

I know im not perfect and i have made alot of mistakes too and that he has reasons to be mad at me in the past for the things ive done but i have reason to be mad at him too.

In all rows between couples, each side "has their reasons". Such thinking helps nobody, and will not help you.

Op, you have a choice, make of it what you will. I think you might consider agreeing to give up drink for 3 months to see how things shape up. Ask him to discuss some of the issues that you both have, either one-to-one or with the aid of a relationship counsellor. He will possibly decline at first, but demonstrate that you are serious by staying off the drink as you have promised, and see how he responds over time. If he does not agree to talk about the issues after (say) 2 months then frankly you are flogging a dead horse by staying with him.

It's your choice.


Be at peace,

Z